


The Kids from Yesterday

by ShoNoMercy



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Addiction, Drug Abuse, F/M, Recreational Drug Use
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-01
Updated: 2020-07-01
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:07:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 28
Words: 111,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25015954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShoNoMercy/pseuds/ShoNoMercy
Summary: Stevie has reached a point in her life whereby she's questioning everything.One day, she skips work on a whim and is analysing her life in her favourite coffee shop when who walks in but her high school soulmate?The one who never left her mind. The catalyst.Will she do what her heart tells her to, or her mind?Or will they both play a part in this messy love story?
Relationships: Gerard Way/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 60
Kudos: 6





	1. The Last Person I Expected to See

Have you ever heard someone say 'part of the furniture'?  
It's an interesting phrase because it manages to be both insulting and complimentary at the same time. Growing up as a teen the idea of someone describing me as such a thing made me feel queasy, like it was a poison I had to swallow and I'd happily rather be being blindly insulted than referred to in such a... permanent way.  
Well, this particular grey Monday (which only made it worse) I had been described as being 'part of the furniture', and not only that, not only that- I had been called it by my husband.  
I had smiled grimly and bit my lip to keep my tongue from flailing loose with a mind of its own like it always fucking did and I started to feel that familiar queasy feeling and the most bizarre thing happened-  
I hugged him awkwardly, walking through the mist at the entry way to my mind and pushed through the door, and it was like my soul had gone back in time, the fire and rage I had been hushing for years as I worked relentlessly and convinced myself that I was doing what I was supposed to be.  
So today, instead of being at my desk tapping away on my computer wondering when the rapture was going to happen (but dragging me down to hell where it's warm and comfortable and I won't be bothered) I was actually sat at my coffee house. Yes, mine. Mine mine mine.  
I wasn't very possessive about many things, but me and caffeine had a hot love affair in as much that no one could ever get me to look at them the way I did my steaming hot flat white. But today, I didn't feel it.  
I felt slightly awkward about not being at work (despite the fact the world wouldn't end because of it) but mostly, I still felt the fire, my eyes drifting shut as they started to wander through my mind, trying to work out how I was feeling or put even a remote gauge on it.  
I let my mind wander, knowing I wouldn't be distracted in here, not at this time, the morning rush had been and gone.  
I knew that I resented my job and the chore my life had become and deep down I knew that me and Jack weren't meant to be. He was talking kids, I was talking holidays. He was pressuring, I was retreating. It was the stuff of basic marriage 101 and I would tell that to myself every night as I suppressed the thought that was fighting to get to the front of my mind with such ferocity that I found myself wincing and gripping my mug.  
It doesn't have anything to do with him.  
Nothing.  
It has nothing to do with him, or the fact that Casey had told me she'd seen him outside the bar on the one night I decided to forgo buying pot and dancing for two hours before returning home sweaty with sticky weed and a high blood alcohol level.  
It had nothing to do with the boy who stole my heart long before Jack had laid claim to it. His raven hair, scruffy grungry look and the way his words spoke to me on another level, making me feel, like, what? Like life should be more like...that we only do this once.  
Smoking on my parents roof and wear face paint to the formal and smoking way too much weed in his basement. Or bedroom. Or both. That's probably why I smoked so much at home hiding in the shed- it was a reason to get away from my prison house and breathe, feeling the arms of time crushing my soul from the outside in.  
But anyway, he decided to leave to college and wherever the fuck else he'd been and that's the end. It's always...the end. 

"Uhh, Stevie?" I heard a surprised sounding voice above me.  
I started and tried to shake off how fucking weird I must look right now. I attempted a smile as I looked up and saw...oh, shit.  
It was actually him. I think.  
I blinked several times, looking at him like he was some sort of oasis in the desert.  
His eyebrow raised and tucked his black hair behind his ear shyly and smirked (oh yeah, it was definitely him).  
My mouth fell open but didn't manage to correct this before he laughed gently, shuffling his feet. I laughed along a moment, giving myself a chance to take him in. He was all tight jeans and black hoodie but that just made it even more...him.  
"Well, fuck. Hi" I breathed, finally coming to my senses "do you wanna.." I gestured across from me and he considered it, looking like he wanted nothing more than to say yes. But that was probably me being hopeful.  
"Well..yeah" he smiled and I seemed to notice my heart fluttering every time he did that.  
I quietly examined him as he sat down, thanking the waiter as he took his coffee from him and looked at the cup the same way I do. It made me giggle.  
He looked up at me and grinned "what?"  
Oh god, the grin was heart-thump material not just flutters.  
"You..you just look at coffee the same way I do" I said, propping my head up on my hand, elbow resting on the table.  
I saw his eyes flicker and look at me a moment before smiling a tight-lipped smile  
"It's good to see you. And uhh.." he gently touched my hand and my head nearly fell onto the table from the shock that went through me, before my heart sank as I realised just why he'd touched me. My ring.  
"Congratulations"  
All of a sudden, I felt a huge surge of emotion wash over me. I felt overwhelmed.  
First the spin out my head had been doing for I don't even know how long, the doubts about Jack and wanting nothing more than to run away from my life, and now seeing the fucking love of my life sitting in front of me congratulating me on it, it was just...too much.  
My head collapsed into my hands and I started sobbing gently, hearing the alarm bells in my head telling me to stop, don't make an idiot of myself, goddammit don't make a scene, don't talk back, don't talk at all-  
"Hey, Stevie" I heard his golden jersey voice dance into my ear, feeling his breath on my neck and arm around me like it was only yesterday we said goodbye. That made me sob even harder but I didn't feel scared.  
He was holding me so carefully but so firmly and I didn't ever want to be anywhere else.  
"Stevie..cmon, I'll pay the bill, come here" I heard him utter as he guided me out, vaguely hearing him assure Dave (my favourite barista) that I was okay.  
My focus was drifting in and out, and judging by his words he seemed to realised I was having a panic attack before it even occurred to me.  
I was too out of it to tell him where I lived, and this is why I ended up laying on an unfamiliar bed, except it was covered in black sheets and had a smell that took me right back to being in his basement bedroom where we used to hang out talking shit and drawing things that were not as half as good as we thought they were  
I, for once, didn't feel like Stevie- part of a couple and a moulded life, instead I just felt like Stevie.  
It was invigorating and making me tingle, feeling calmer as I breathed deeply, gently sitting and finding myself in a room that could only be described as... an artist's, and smelling him and seeing telltale signs of him in the room had my heart beating fasting and also had me thinking I should stop letting my mind wreak havoc on my heart, it might be the death of me.  
I was stretching when the door slowly opened and he walked in, putting a glass of water besides me and sitting next to me  
"Are you okay?" He asked, and I turned, fully expecting his eyes to be glazed with unease and a fear of emotional feelings, but..they weren't. He just looked at me the way he always used to. Just into my eyes, ready to take me at face value, not seeing me anything other than.. Stevie.  
"Yeah.." I answered, not wanting to be silent and creepy, as that was never a turn on.  
Except, I wasn't trying to turn him on.  
Yet- my head said as I shook it, my body telling me to be monogamous before I'd even dared to let myself think of being anything else.  
I hadn't had time. But I did now, my mind flashing with images of us wrapped around each other panting and sweating and- fuck. He was talking to me.  
"You don't have to tell me what's the matter"  
I nodded slowly "o-okay. Well...maybe right now I don't want to" I said, finding the conscious ability to take a drink and start sorting my head out. Except I felt like I didn't want to do that either. I felt like I wanted to lose it.  
"No worries. We can just hang out, catch up. If you want, that is, I know the rules are different when you're marr-" he raked his hand through his hair, and that movement slowed down time for a moment, watching him throw his hair back like the sassy motherfucker he always was  
"Fuck the rules" I sighed sadly as an interruption and saw his eyebrow quirk up questioningly but had no intention of indulging him "do you still smoke pot?"  
He grinned devilishly and I couldn't help but laugh, loving the feeling of being in my own moment for a change instead of one I happened to be in.  
"Then what the fuck are we waiting for?" I pushed him in the shoulder playfully  
He laughed and got off the bed, standing in the way of the exit as I walked up to him, feeling my heart rate increase as I got closer and he didn't back away.  
He looked at me with a look I couldn't decipher and said  
"Just know, I know you Stevie. And I know when you're upset. So I'm here for you..in whatever way you want me to be"  
I met his eyes in surprise, feeling my blood rush to my head and a pulse of desire flow through me, hard pushed not to shove him down on the bed and fuck him stupid right that very moment.  
But I didn't. Instead I smiled confidently and nodded "okay"  
He turned and led me to his TV room, offering me a beer which I gratefully accepted, taking the remote control off him to flick aimlessly as he skinned up on the arm of the sofa, his legs crossed and his eyes focused. I still found him attractive. Annoyingly even more so than I ever did.  
Or was that just because of the way I felt? I had no idea and I didn't know if I even wanted to have an idea.  
The TV ended up low and flickering warmly in the background as we sat facing each other, talking on his sofa. I hadn't told him all too much, but I felt that he got the sense of urgency and misery that radiated off me as 'part of the furniture' and just wanted to cheer me up.  
I enjoyed his attempt, and it even took me away from caring. About anything. The feeling was addictive and I felt it every time I looked into his eyes.  
We were a joint in, smoking on a Monday morning like everything was fine and normal, but being around him made it feel normal and that's what I fucking wanted.  
It was all I wanted.  
I was thinking this very thing as I was lost examining his lips as he spoke which possessed their memorable quirk he had for talking out of the side of his mouth which I always found attractive for some reason, telling me about a book he thought I would love when all of a sudden I touched his hand on the sofa between us and he looked at me.  
The look encouraged me because it wasn't the look it should have been with a married woman- wary and unsure. It was daring, like he was saying 'fuckin' do it'.  
So I did.  
I bit my lip as I drifted my hand into his hair and moved his face against mine, tilting it and felt him eagerly meeting my lips, kissing me like he'd been waiting to do it, sighing softly which made me shudder, sliding my tongue along his lips as he parted them and warmly and softly met my tongue, kissing me in a way I hadn't been kissed in an age.  
I ended up in his lap when I finally pulled away, finding it hard to look away from the sight of him pinned to the sofa panting, his dick hard beneath his jeans.  
"I'm...sorry?" He breathed.  
"I'm not" I replied, looking at his handsome face, still finding it hard to believe he was really there. I touched his chest gently to confirm it and he smiled affectionately at me, drifting his fingers over my hand and entwining his fingers with mine.  
"What went wrong?" He asked gently and I had to laugh or else I'd cry.  
"I lived the life I said I was never gonna" I breathed sadly and I half expected him to look confused but he didn't. Instead he looked like he remembered the exact conversation we had about it. I did too.  
As if he was reading my mind he said  
"You were wearing that punk unicorn baseball shirt I always said I hated but I loved.." he started and I felt myself well up  
"And we were in your garden tryna hot box in a tent but so your parents didn't realise so you kept spraying that fucking aerosol around" I joked and he grinned, nodding  
"And you told me that you'd never-" he started, my heart ached and I spoke along with him  
"-be a sheep"  
I let my head drop as I thought many things at once, suddenly realising I'd justified my own made up rules about life, and everyone else's, and did the very thing I told Gerard I was never gonna do. And it sucked.  
"Hey, it's okay" his soothing voice lulled me and pulled my vision upwards into his warm golden eyes, stroking his thumb across my hand and igniting tension again between us.  
"It's almost not like I'm scared, it's more like...I'm ready" I murmered and he raised an eyebrow  
"To do what?" He asked gently, surveying me with a curiosity that made me blush. And I never blushed.  
"To take back control of my life. I feel..I, y'know...I don't know how much I should be telling you" I mumbled unsurely and Gerard took a risk and slid an arm around my waist and pulled me into his lap, breathless almost at being touched like that, and by him. I shivered and he sat up and held me closer, rubbing my arms tenderly  
"Just relax. Don't worry about anything."  
I shrugged in his arms, avoiding his gaze "you might have a girlfriend or boyfriend for all I know"  
There was a silence after I said that and it was a loaded silence, as I felt his heart rate speed up and I swear I could feel his hips moving ever so slightly under my ass.  
"It wouldn't make a difference" he whispered and I paused a second, analysing what he'd just said.  
I half-chuckled as I looked at him, expecting him to be smiling or laughing.  
But he wasn't. He was being deadly serious.


	2. Carpe Diem

"You're telling me that after all this time that you still want me, regardless of the circumstance?" I asked, trying to keep my voice steady but I almost felt I was suppressing a growl, not knowing how I was going to react if I got the answer I was half expecting to leave his soft lips   
"Yeah sugar, I still want you" he breathed, not failing to notice him using the name he called me when we fucked for the first time- I'd begged him to repeat it as he thrust up into me as I was rattling on his shaking desk, my legs curled around him and my hands in his hair, completely at his mercy.   
My breathing would have been heavy but was suppressed from the weed, instead I just sighed longingly as I sat in his arms and looked down at his face, his lips parted and begging me to kiss them.   
But first I wanted to entertain myself by hearing his answer to my question.  
"How do I know that?" I murmered, finding it hard to look into his piercing eyes.  
He was silent until I did so, his lips twitching. I yelped suddenly when he shifted me in his lap and stood up so I was dangling off him, clutching to him as he carried me through to his bedroom, kicking the door shut behind us.  
My heart was pounding but I didn't feel any of the guilt as I watched him drop down on top of me, his hands ghosting over my curves as he moaned softly.  
"God, I've missed this" he sighed and I couldn't help but bite my lip and nod.  
"Me too." I spoke the truth, it was good to feel him against me again, it seeming near enough a dream to gaze into his eyes when he pulled away from kissing me gently on the cheek, seeming like he didn't want to push his boundaries despite our compromising position.  
My fingers nervously drifted up his sides and down to where his t-shirt had ridden up slightly from lying over me and brushed my fingertips along his skin.  
He shuddered delightedly and blushed. I felt I was not sure entirely why him blushing made me want to fuck him even more, but it did.  
I wanted to think but I didn't want to think. I didn't want to cheat but my god, I wanted to climb him like a tree.   
I drifted my hands upwards, pushing his shirt further up, looking at him pleadingly as he looked down at what my hands were doing.  
"You can take my shirt off.." he started and I inched them up even higher, exposing his pale skin that I just wanted to run my tongue over...again and again.  
"But-" my hands stopped and I looked up at him curiously "you gotta let me take something off"   
I giggled and nodded, shutting him up while I pulled his t-shirt up to his head, leaving him trying to yank it off his head as I pushed him down and straddled him on the bed, not wasting a second before putting my hands all over him, teasing him with my fingertips, wondering why I didn't touch him like this when we were teenagers. Before, it was all hot and bothered and.. rutting. This was something else.   
Maybe we'd both grown up, and if he was as sad as I was, he might even have fantasies of what he wanted to do to me.   
Like I did him on a quiet Sunday afternoon soaking in the bath, stewing among a mist of steam and bubbles, eyes shut and vodka in hand which came dangerously close to slipping in the tub when I imagined him doing things to me that Jack wouldn't ever consider.   
I might be naive and assume things of him, but I didn't really want to consider what he may have learned in college. For me it was always madly confusing for me when he seemed to watch the boys as well as eyeing up the girls.   
But by the way he was taking his time and being patient with me, I sensed a definite sexual maturity and it just made me want him even more.   
He bit his lip and whimpered softly as his eyes fluttered shut as I caressed him, feeling his hands come up to my waist and grip me, his thumbs firm but soothing on my hip bones, making me ache even more than I already was, pressing my hips forwards against his, feeling his knees bend as his lips parted, a breathy moan slipping out that I wanted to fucking bottle and take home.  
He surprised me by sitting suddenly, holding me loosely but surely around the waist so I was sat up against him on his lap, our faces close, realising how heavy our breathing was coming.  
"Your turn" he smiled as he pressed his lips against mine, moving his hands off my waist, sliding his palms up my back, taking my t-shirt with it, unable to stop himself from looking down as he pulled it off my head, expecting him to make a dirty remark but instead getting "you're so beautiful"  
I wasn't used to hearing things like that and almost had to fight back tears how bad it was that my own husband didn't compliment me, even in a vacuous way.  
"So...beautiful" he sighed contentedly and buried his face in my neck, kissing softly at first as I gasped and twitched in his lap, a sharp whine emitting from me as he started sucking on my skin, the tingling down below overpowering the panic from being caught. Probably because I didn't care.   
"Ah! Careful!" I gasped and he reluctantly pulled away  
"Shall I suck you somewhere less obvious?" He teased and I gasped, wrapping my arms around his neck, feeling his fingers gently start to coax my bra strap open.  
"Whatever do you mean?" I smiled innocently and he bit his lip, chuckling and finally getting a handle of the strap and popping my bra open. I felt exposed but in all good ways, crossing my arms and sliding it down, discarding it on the floor.  
He made a sound that was akin to a pleased sigh, kissing my lips, but pulling me back in to kiss me harder, relishing another chance at slipping my tongue into his mouth, my hand coming up to his cheek, pressing my naked skin against his and feeling a spark, almost like we had become a reinforced magnetic energy, attracted only to each other.   
My hips gradually started moving in time with my tongue- meaning after a few minutes I had wound him up so impactfully that his hands were on my ass, encouraging my hips as they bucked against him, not getting anywhere near enough of the friction I needed to calm the incessant yearning and throbbing I was experiencing, not being able to get the thought of him inside me out of my mind.  
He watched me as our kiss broke, moving his hips barely but surely against mine, using the fingers of the hand that wasn't on my hip on my breast, using his thumb to rub over my sensitive bud, sighing delightedly.  
"Jesus, Gerard" I moaned, starting to move my hips with more intention, feeling the urgency build and build, leaving me at a sweaty, horny crossroads.   
"What's up? Talk to me" he drawled, sucking on my ear before whispering "tell me what you want"  
"Shit gee, you know what I want" I protested plaintively, convinced in my mind that I must look like a brat and hoping that that turned him on.  
The urge to touch him was too much, the need to keep contact with him prevalent in the moment, sliding my hands down his back and into his jeans, causing a pleased groaning sound from him before doing the same to me, pressing my hips against his and feeling how hard he was beneath his deliciously tight black jeans.  
My body seemed to take over at this point as I felt myself slide a hand down the front of his jeans between us and press my fingertips against him, his breath hitching as he lost composure and took hold of me by the waist (his strength a evolutionary turn on) and flipped me over so I was lying on the bed.  
"You sure you wanna do this?" He asked me, gently undoing my jeans and holding his fingers inside the waistband waiting for me to answer, though I'm sure he wished he didn't have to ask, but he did.   
"Just, fuck- yeah, yeah I do" I gasped before I could think better, not being able to feel anything other than my desire which was the hottest it had been for a long time.  
Especially when he said "I needed your answer cos when I start with you I'm not gonna wanna stop" he glowered down at me and made me shiver, sighing as he pulled my jeans and pants off in one go, tugging them off my feet blindly as he didn't want to tear his eyes away from the journey they were making down my body, which made me feel nervous but excited, I didn't feel self conscious around him but I was expecting not to.  
"Fucking come on then" I whispered, tugging at his hair as he lingered around my lower half, smirking as he cried out gently, shaking his head free of my grip and burying his face in my heat. The sensation was euphoric and I was tingling immediately, feeling the familiar yearning as I moaned pathetically, biting my lip and gripping the sheets as he worked his tongue across me, using it in ways that Jack could do, but not with conviction. Which is something Gerard had in spades.  
He continued proving this as he pushed a finger inside me, drifting his other hand up to my chest, meeting my eyes for a moment and I nearly truly melted with the way he looked- his eyes dark and shot with arousal and wet swollen lips from where he'd been kissing me so fiercely.   
"Is that good?" He asked gently, rubbing his hand over my chest in a soothing way, moving his hand down to my stomach and pressing gently as my hips kept jumping and twitching as my head fell back on the bed  
"I'm gonna come" is all I could say in response, taking hold of his hair again, feeling him moan against my skin, sending thrilling vibrations through me, pushing me to the very edge.  
"Good" he purred in response, pushing another finger inside me and making me putty in his hands, working his hand and mouth in a way I could only describe as sinful.   
That was exactly what was going through my mind as the tension broke, sending shockwaves of intense pleasure through me, leaving me panting and moaning on the bed, eyes rolling back as he prolonged it as long as he could, noticing the signs of my body as my nerves became overworked and pulled away gently, wiping his mouth and looking up at me, moving up my body so he could lean down and kiss me.  
There was a comfortable silence before I murmered "have you got any protection?"   
He smiled and nodded, a tent in his boxers that I just wanted to unleash, watching with my lip between my teeth as he tugged them off and tugged himself off a little before sliding the condom on, looking over at me occasionally as he did so. The tension was palpable and I didn't want to wait anymore.  
I gulped as he walked towards the bed and tugged my arm encouraging me closer, gravitating towards him as if we were part of our own gravitational pull.  
All noticeable traces of uncertainty drained from our faces as we reached for each other, collapsing on the bed with hands running over each other and, in the haze of body heat, he slipped into me, my legs wrapped around his waist.  
"Stevie" he whispered in my ear and I moaned in his in return, his lips drifting over my ear and down my neck, working his hips into mine.  
It was a lethal cocktail of disbelief and the shock of having someone else's body rubbing against mine along with the blinding pleasure that he was giving me, hard pressed not to make entirely too much noise but often struggling and crying out his name as he shushed me and soothed me as he drove me closer and closer to orgasm.  
He shifted and pressed my thighs up against my chest, hitting me deeper like he knew that's what I needed, choking out broken curses.  
"I'm close" I murmered and he nodded and groaned, close himself.   
It was a matter of seconds before he made me come for the second time and a minute later I could see the tell tale signs on his face that precluded a grunt and short breathy moans as he thrust hard a few more times before gently pulling out.  
The light from the crack in the curtain bathed his pale form as he collapsed onto his side next to me, his head leaning on my shoulder as I (still half blind) lay panting besides him.  
"Stevie, I really missed you" he sighed, breaking the sudden silence after we lay there a few moments digesting what had just happened.  
I just lay there examining his handsome face and sweaty, messy black hair before eventually replying-  
"Me too"


	3. Reconnaissance

It was mid afternoon when I finally left, thanking him as I slid into the passenger's side, still aware that he made me feel nervous even though we had been so close for the majority of the day which, by the way, wasn't getting any less confusing.  
He had tried to maintain some sort of casual atmosphere but it was dissolving at the same rate as I was getting closer to my street and I didn't know whether to remark on it or not. There was an urgency in my heart to ask for his number and continue seeing him, but also the heavy weight in my chest telling me that that's not what "good" people do, and I certainly couldn't be a good person when I was sitting on the cold car seat, very aware of how wet he'd made me (and it normally wasn't that easy to open the floodgates as it was). My heart squeezed at the thought and a loud sigh had eyes on me immediately, slowing down at the end of my road.  
"Stevie.." he started softly, sounding like he knew what he was going to say, but no words came out.  
"I...could I have your number?" I asked quietly, fishing in my bag for my phone as he agreed warmly, carefully taking my phone off me and tapping in his number before looking at me and smiling and passing my phone back.  
"Thanks"  
"Stevie, I.." he started, leaning to my side of the car and kissing my cheek "it was really good to see you"  
"Thanks. Same to you" I returned, feeling every inch of my body protesting getting out of the car and leaving him again.  
I needed a distraction, however small.  
Like he'd read that very thought, he took my face in his hands and kissed me in a pleasant way, but that also screamed "please don't fucking go"  
Or maybe I was being too hopeful.  
Eventually I found it in me to slide out of the car and started walking down the damp path glistening in what must have been a downpour as we were tangled together on the bed earlier.  
I tried to regain focus on the street in front of me as I felt my mind was tripping wires, hardly able to believe that any of this day had actually occured and half expecting to wake up on my sofa in front of Jeopardy.  
There was an ache in my heart that I hadn't felt since I was a teenager, and I both loved and hated it simultaneously; a burning passion that had my stomach in knots.  
I let myself go into autopilot as I floated down the street, responding to a message from work with an even surer sense that I didn't give a damn about it.  
I felt like a new person and I was wary of how this was going to fit into my existing life, and also worrying that I might break down and ignore the light that had just shone into my pallid life. Somehow that didn't feel like an option. 

I skipped dinner with a feeble excuse and headed upstairs, not entirely sure what to do with myself. I spent an hour flicking through the television which I wasn't watching and I had music in the background which I also wasn't paying any attention to. I was scattered and had zero direction, which was something I was used to but not a fan of. I was still doing this when Jack wandered in late evening as I was staring at my phone, my head a mess.  
"You okay?" He asked, sitting besides me  
I found it hard to make eye contact but just about managed it, giving him a feeble smile  
"Yeah, I'm okay. I came home from work with a headache, you know how I get" I murmered, sitting crossed legged besides him.  
"Okay" he gave me an assuring smile and I was thinking he was being strangely attentive when he opened his mouth again.  
"Listen, uh.. I know we were supposed to watch the movie tonight, but.."  
I looked up at him, feeling slightly bad that I'd forgotten it, but the way I was feeling, forgetting about something that small was hardly surprising.  
"The games on, and Luke invited me over and I figured, cos you're not feeling well-"  
A lightbulb came on in my head  
"Sure, you do you...but uhh, would it be okay if I have a friend over?" Oh god I was so bad. Just awful. But I found myself still speaking, regardless.  
"If you text me when you're coming back I'll tidy up. Nothing rowdy like, just pizza and chill" and chill, oh dear god I said 'and chill'.  
"Sure" he felt he was the one getting the win and grinned, putting his hand on my shoulder, a rush of guilt making me shudder, but still smiling back.  
"See you" I murmered, touching the side of my phone which was sat besides me on the bed, snatching it up the moment jack left the room and went downstairs.  
I barely hesitated. I was scaring myself how easy I found it to do, opening messages and tapping-  
'Hey. Sorry I didn't message you sooner'  
I put the phone down and stared at it until it went dim, switching apps to Spotify to stream some calming music over the stereo, fumbling in the bedside drawer for the weed.  
Alt J, perfect. Relaxing melodies and ambiguously sexual lyrics.  
I felt nervous, like I'd gone back in time and was wearing my hair in a scrunchie wearing leg warmers and popping gum, waiting around the phone for a boy.  
It had been a long time since I'd felt like that and a pang of nostalgia warmed me when I remembered it was him I had done it with.  
The same situation but years later, and I felt just as flustered now as I did then. Probably more so judging by how flushed I looked in the mirror, distracting myself by brushing my hair out and humming to the music when I heard my phone buzz.  
The ounce of integrity that was left prevented me from dropping the brush and running to the phone, but it was still hard work. I breathed shakily and drifted back to the bed, picking up my phone. It was a message.  
'Hey. How's your evening?'  
He was being casual which made me feel like he was trying to play it cool. But I felt he probably wasn't. I flopped back on the bed, flustered.  
'Okay. I'm alone, thought about getting pizza, maybe I should have someone over'  
I felt like getting straight to the point while still avoiding the point at the same time, which is a level of bluntless that I was known for by...everyone I knew.  
He made me wait a minute before replying-  
'sounds cool'  
Absolute bastard. I bit my lip and changed the music to System, hoping the thrashing pace would give me some form of courage, even if it was a flimsy attempt.  
Realising I had a left joint, I snatched it up and drew harshly, huffing as I dropped ash onto my phone.  
'I don't know anyone that's free' I tried, blowing my phone clean, promptly taken aback by my phone ringing, an incoming call from him.  
"Hey" I said, drawing out my words trying to sound nonchalant.  
He cut me off, his voice business like and matter of fact.  
"Stevie"  
"G..Gerard?" I asked unsurely, dropping my joint in the ashtray  
"If you want me to come over and succeed where your husband failed then just. Fucking. Say. So."  
I gasped. I couldn't believe he had the balls to say what he just did. Part of me felt I should scold him, but my body had other ideas, tingling needily, having an urge to slide my hand down my front, but instead clenched my fist as the image of his face between my legs dripped through my synapses like honey  
"So...?" He sounded amused at my complete silence, and I nearly laughed.  
"So if I text you my address do you want to..." I trailed off  
"Eat pizza?"  
"Yeah" I smiled  
"Watch TV?"  
"Maybe"  
"Ride me like a bronco?"  
"Gerard, just get the fuck over here" I growled, hanging up and lying flushed on the bed a second before dropping my face down onto the pillow.  
I felt like I needed to wake up from a dream, but my tangible surroundings confirmed that I was going to see him for the second time that day.  
I could hardly wait.


	4. Ignis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Major smut warning. Not for the meek!

I was curled up in a ball of nerves on the sofa completely not paying attention to whatever garbage was on the TV, smoking to calm myself down and trying to teach myself how to be cool, because clearly I was incapable.  
I was barely ready when I heard a knock on the door before I felt my heartstrings pull and a hunger in the pit of my stomach. For pizza and for him.  
I opened the door and he was stood on the doorstep wearing a leather jacket and jeans and a band t-shirt, looking more dressed up than he did earlier. The thought that he may have done that for me made me hot.  
"Come in" I stepped to the side and he kicked off his shoes, looking me up and down.  
"You look cute in your huge jumper" he remarked, running his hand down the sleeve "I could fit in there with you"  
I blushed and shut the door, turning to him.  
There was the awkward moment of not knowing how to greet him, but wanting to wrap my arms around him, sidling closer to him as a hint and reaching up to kiss him on the cheek.  
He smiled down at me, touching my face with the back of his hand which is never normally something he'd do, and was a reminder that he wasn't the same person I knew. I hoped he was at least remotely, because he was the boy I loved.  
Had I changed? That hadn't even been something that I'd considered.  
"Darlin' you need to stop thinking so much" he spoke in a hushed tone, and is if he'd read my mind "you don't have to do be like that with me. How do you want to greet me, really?" He held my face and looked into my eyes, seeing that twinkle of naughtiness that I remembered so well.  
"Well.." I giggled, sliding my hands up his chest and slowly drifting them over his shoulders, easing off his jacket and leaning in close so my body was nearly touching his.  
"Okay, but you better take your jacket off first" I slid it off the rest of the way and tossed it on the end of the stair bannister, turning back to him standing there looking horny but still shy, though his eyes were peering into mine expectantly.  
"Go and sit down" I pointed into the living room, watching him walk away before drifting into the kitchen and grabbing us both a drink before returning to him and placing the drinks down. He caught my eye as I circled around to him, easing onto the sofa by sliding my thighs around his knees, having to try and shift a little before feeling his large hand on my back pulling me into him.  
"God, I want you so much" I whispered in his ear, smirking a shit eating smirk as I felt his hard on from before return, pressing into my thigh and hearing his breath hitch.  
"I want you, too" he murmered back, looking up at me submissively waiting for me to do something.  
He got his answer in the form of a kiss. A heated, almost sloppy kiss that had saliva trailing from our lips as my hands worked their way up his back and into his hair, his hands tight on my hips, body arching into mine. I had him where I wanted him, and even I almost wished what was about to happen could maybe be delayed for at least an hour.  
Unfortunately it didn't, and the bell sounded through the house and I sighed defeatedly into his mouth, feeling his reluctancy to let go of my hips as he looked up at me as I stood hot and horny, his mouth red.  
I tore my eyes away and drifted to the door, thanking the delivery person and carrying the boxes into the living room, setting them on the table and turning on the TV, smiling at him as I sat besides him, encouraging him to go crazy. Because I wasn't ordering with Jack I could actually get what I wanted for a changed and the idea of eating pineapple pizza and drinking gin- as well as doing it with this hot guy who I hoped to be bent over by- made for the added bonus.  
I was aware of the immoral nature of the circumstances, but at that point my consciousness wasn't filled with much other than him, sneaking a look at him who happened to be looking at me before smiling shyly and looking away, demolishing a slice in a way that could only be described as impressive, so with the same energy I followed suit, commenting ridiculously on some storage game show as he laughed and retorted, the same comfortable vibe between us that I enjoyed so much when we were younger. Knowing that hadn't changed just made me even more confused somehow, but I pushed it to the back of my mind.  
After we finished, I sat with my legs stretched onto the coffee table and left an arm lying between us on the sofa hoping he would take my incredibly subtle hint and maybe touch me a little bit.  
His hand drifted towards mine, his fingers gently nudging my fingers as he turned his head and gave a smile, one that always made me blush, sliding my fingers into his and moving closer.  
Our faces were inches away and I could feel his breath on my face, making me salivate, wondering which one of us was going to make the first move, thinking it was going to be me when he licked his lips slowly and I laughed, making him smirk.  
"What?" He asked innocently.  
"You're a dick." I replied simply and he pouted.  
"Oh, you're mean" he faked sounding hurt, moving his head back and sliding away. Or at least he was going to until I grabbed his arm.  
"I'm sorry" I pandered to his silliness as we were both half baked anyway "how can I make it up to you?" I purred, putting my hand on his knee and squeezing.  
"Hmmm, I wonder what you could possibly do to make it up to me" he put his hand under his chin, doing a thinking man and making me sputter and laugh, moving my hand and rolling my eyes.  
"You're so-" I started but was promptly cut off as he pushed me against the arm of the sofa and covered my body with his, looking down at me with his hair hanging in his eyes. I was expecting him to kiss me straight away, but he didn't. Instead he spoke, and I watched his lips as he said-  
"I don't take this as a joke. I know this has its complications but know that I take this- I take YOU, very seriously"  
I was at a loss for words, mouth hanging open, looking up at him feeling nothing but respect and awe for him.  
"Do you understand?" He asked gently and I made a noise in my throat and nodded.  
"Y-yes. I do" I breathed, my hand coming up to his face, reaching up slowly as he moved towards me, locking lips and kissing me gently at first, my head falling back as we eased into it and started becoming more animated, wasting not a moment more before threading my fingers through his hair (which had become one of my new favourite things to do, including tugging on it and hearing him moan into my mouth, god, it was delicious).  
He paused the kiss for a moment to catch his breath, looking into my eyes.  
"Gerard" I moaned softly "where the fuck did you even come from?"  
He smiled knowingly and brushed my hair out of my face "it doesn't matter. I'm here now."  
"Gerard, fuck.." I whimpered, holding him close, pressing my lips against his ear "fuck me"  
I felt him take a sharp intake of breath and looked at me again "you don't need to tell me to do that" he smiled "where do you want to go? This is your house I don't wanna assume.."  
The fact that he'd thought about that warmed me, his consideration showing me that he was still a good person, even if I wasn't.  
"Come with me" I moved him off me and flicked the TV off, looking behind me as I walked towards the stairs, leading him into the spare room (aka my haven) and shutting the door after him, pushing him back against the door and attaching my lips to his neck, feeling his pulse thump and his throat vibrate as he moaned, sliding his hands from my hips up my shirt, easily covering my back and pulling me hard up against him, feeling his heart pounding. I dropped to my knees and heard him sigh as I popped the button on his jeans and pressed my fingers against him as I slid the zip down, his hips twitching as I did so.  
"Fuck" he murmered, whining as I slid an arm up his stomach, drifting my fingers across his soft pale skin as I pulled his jeans and underwear down with the other, not hesitating before putting my mouth on him who was moaning wantonly as I sucked him, pressing my tongue against his hot skin, sliding a hand around his length to jack him slowly, my tongue working overtime as it swirled around his head, tasting him on my tongue, looking up to see his eyes closed and lip between his teeth, his hand hovering behind my head- obviously fighting the urge to grab my hair and fuck my mouth, which I probably wouldn't have minded.  
I gagged a little and pulled off "you can do it if you want" I said, my voice cracked from the abuse my throat was getting.  
"Do what?" He asked breathily, his hand coming down on my head but stroking my hair instead of grabbing it.  
I didn't reply and he barely noticed, reaching down to pull me to my feet, kicking his jeans off which were dangerously around his ankles before tearing my jumper off and dropping it to the ground, smirking when he realised I only had a bra on underneath. I quickly undid it and pulled it off my shoulders.  
He looked at me a moment before tugging me to the bed, pulling me down next to him and watching him as he laid me down and lay down besides me, skimming his fingers across my skin, making me whimper and twitch, looking desperately into his eyes which kept helplessly flicking to his fingers as he started to tease my nipples, rubbing and skimming until they hardened, noticing him lick his lips before leaning in and sucking my breast into his mouth, the sensation making me buzz like a live wire, tension pulsing hard and my pussy throbbing, moaning gently.  
Slowly, he drifted his other hand to my waistband and slid his thumb across the top, sneaking into my elastic waisted leggings and moving lower still until his two of his fingers were inside my panties, slipping over my heat until he found my clit, starting to stroke slow circles which had me moaning unashamedly, hips twitching.  
"Mm, you're a good girl" he whispered, his face scarlet and flushed, noticing how it had transformed, settling completely into our liason, looking like he wouldn't stop even if the house fell down around us.  
"I'm not" I protested weakly, gasping as his fingers pushed me into dangerously dirty territory, my fist balling his shirt up as I gripped it, looking up pleadingly into his piercing eyes, loving the way he made me feel like I was at his mercy.  
"A-ah" I whimpered, lip trembling as I tried to hold back jumping him immediately, but had to say "please" and hope he knew what I was trying to communicate.  
He smiled adoringly at me a moment before sliding his hand out and sliding his wet fingers into his mouth.  
"Mm sugar, you're so sweet" I stared at him in near disbelief, but it was too hot to protest. Why would I?  
"Taste me more then" I murmered and he smirked, moving to straddle my waist, eyes drifting up my stomach, unable to stop his hands from moving up to my breasts and taking them in his large hands, nibbling on his lip, holding my eye contact as he moved lower, thumbs settled on my hipbones in a way that made me feel safe and controlled, ducking down suddenly to lick a hot line up my lips, the wet muscle that was his tongue slowly and lightly starting to brush against my aching clit in a barely-there way, the dirty tickling along my skin making me moan urgently, stopping short to a heavy pant as I felt him move back a little.  
"Lie on your front for me, Stevie babe" he breathed and I complied with zero hesitation, twitching as his fingers ran along the inside of my thighs, pulling them up swiftly so my ass was in the air with my thighs open and knees apart.  
I choked loudly when I felt a sneaking suspicion as to why his breath was hot on my inner thighs, lips ghosting my pale skin, pushing back slightly towards the friction as his lips grazed the skin of my ass, hoping deep down that I was going to feel his skilled wet tongue caress the skin slowly. The minute I did, the lowest dirtiest moan erupted from my chest and I felt him stop and laugh.  
"Hmm, you never used to like this before" he remarked, rubbing his thumb over the area, my pussy tingling from how wrong it felt. But so good.  
"You never did this before" I replied simply, chest still heaving slightly from his contact.  
"But now you're pure filth and you just want my tongue in your ass, isn't that right sweetheart?" He murmered and I choked.  
Jesus Christ.  
"I guess it is" I replied, my words cut off as he delved his tongue back into the mix, making me twitch helplessly, sliding his finger down to rub across my clit as he ate me, moaning lowly still.  
"G-gerard, stop" I mumbled, feeling him release me and moving out from under him so I could pull him to me, first on top of me and then rolling him over so I straddled him, hands running down his bare chest, lips on his neck as he moaned softly, his eyes drifting shut and his hands wandering across my body.  
I moved lower and placed my hands on his thighs, shifting them up, his face darkening but also looking nervous at the same time, so I started toying with him first, rubbing my lips along his member and teasing with my tongue, sliding up to the head and dancing it across his weeping slit, feeling it slip past my lips as his hips moved up and I smirked around him, sliding my lips lower and flattening my tongue against the underside, feeling him hit my in the back of my throat. When it did, he heaved and gently tugged my head back, looking panicked that he might have hurt me.  
I smiled up at him and his face changed as he bit down on his lip, smirking faintly as I wrapped my hand around him and jacked him slowly as I sucked and tongued at him, completely lost in the motions and the low, purring sounds he was making that were making me flush. I knew how I could achieve a continuation of his sweet little sounds, and even make them louder.  
"Gerard" I looked up at him, having pulled my mouth off him.  
He gazed down at me with messy hair "yeah?" he all but moaned, stroking a palm up and down his thigh, moving lower with with every brush.  
"Do you trust me?" I asked huskily, not trying to but rasping nonetheless.  
"Mmhmm" he purred, reaching between his legs and holding me, pulling me towards him, my body pressing against his, sighing as I touched him gently but eagerly, wondering if it was at all physically possible to get even closer to him than I already was.  
"Why, what do you wanna do to me?" He smiled, running a hand down my back onto my butt, making me gasp in pleasure as he slapped me gently, his eyes gleaming as he waited for my answer.  
"That depends on what you like" I hummed, kissing him briefly "and where you like to be touched"  
"I'd do...do anything with you" He drawled, his hands in constant motional contact with my hot needy skin, shivering in anticipation in his arms.  
I smirked, sliding a hand between his legs, slipping past his balls and onto his perineum "is that okay with you?"  
"Yes" He looked nervous but it didn't cause any hesitation with his words, which encouraged me.  
I moved off the end of the bed, settling on my knees on the floor, reaching out for him to come to me, noticing him blushing as he did, letting me spread his thighs and kiss his pale skin softly, making him shudder.  
He was sat up, watching me as I licked along his length, exciting him to get a heightened reaction from him when I curled my tongue against his head, feeling his body jerk under me and a low plaintive whine sound around the room.  
"Oh, fuck" he moaned urgently, his hand immediately tugging gently on my hair, a filthy lopsided grin spreading across his flushed, handsome face, making me bite my lip.  
"Do you like that?" I teased, one hand wrapping around his cock and pumping slowly as I teased my tongue around him, rising on my knees as I sought to take him further, using my finger to add to the tension.  
Perhaps the things we were engaging in could be considered to be in bad taste, but it didn't feel like that. It felt more like we had enough of a rapport and a history and a mutual understanding that nothing felt like it was off limits. And that both scared and excited me.  
"Shit, you're killing me" he whined, brushing my hair away from my face "but I don't want you to stop"  
His moans raised in pitch and volume as I settled into the motions, still keeping a watchful eye on his responses as nothing pleased me more (or turned me on more) to watch him. His hand was in his hair and he looked liberated, but also like he was trying to stop himself from coming. And it wouldn't have bothered me if he did, I just wanted to make him feel good, that was my focus.  
This was the thought that occupied my mind as his face formed an expression which quickly changed between blissful and urgent, his lips falling open and shaking his hair back, moaning frustratedly.  
"I-I" he gasped, his hand loosening and falling back on his elbows "baby I don't want you to but you've got to stop" he rasped.  
I kissed him on the cheek as I got to my feet, taken by surprise when he pulled me up against him and pulling me down onto the bed, touching me gently wherever he could reach, the lightness of the touch making me giggle and squirm as his hands drifted across my arms and my back, fingering the ends of my hair.  
I rubbed up against him, eager to feel his skin against mine, getting so lost in the moment, whispering "fuck, you're so sexy"  
His eyes were dark and wild as they met mine, sitting up and pulling me into his lap so my legs were straddling his waist. The closeness soothed and excited me simultaneously. Seeing him up close looking fucked to hell was just a reminder for me that this was actually occurring and that I wasn't creating an elaborate play in my head to escape my mind-numbing reality.  
"I missed you" he murmered and I held his eye contact for a moment before looking away shyly. I was never very good at recieving positive feedback or news. And he knew that.  
"And I missed how shy you get when people compliment you.."  
I looked up and smiled, starting to play with his hair as he spoke, noticing his eyes fluttering from the pleasure of my gentle touch.  
"I missed you too" I whispered sincerely, tilting his head back so I could lean down and kiss him, feeling him hard under me, starting to move my hips against his, barely yet still enough to make his heart start to pound, feeling it in my chest though his, the connection between us undeniable.  
A string of saliva connecting our lips as I moved away reluctantly, our wet kiss making me buzz and throb, desperate to see, hear and feel him more, the tension palpable.  
"I've been thinking about you.." he started, his voice soft and soothing.  
"Yeah" I sighed, playing with his hair and rubbing his upper arm, giving his pale neck a glance before moving so his soft skin and throbbing pulse was sucked between my lips, his moans reverberating against them, his hands sliding to my ass and pushing me down and forwards so my legs were wrapped tightly around his naked hips, finding myself starting to buck my hips into his again, an instinctive reaction that was seeking friction and igniting tension.  
"What were you thinking about me doing?" I asked as I released his (now marked) neck skin.  
He grinned wickedly at me "I want to fuck you in so many different ways your head would be in a spin" he murmered and my entire body throbbed and tingled, growling softly and biting on his lip, making him yelp and moan breathily, looking at me like he wanted to do exactly as he had stated.  
"Are you up to the job?" I teased daringly and was answered with him raising my hips and slapping my ass with both hands, making me sob.  
"I can feel how wet you are" he teased, kissing along my jawline and jostling me playfully but sinfully in his lap "you must be pretty desperate"  
I groaned and slipped my hands between us and grasped him firmly and using my hand and the weight of my hips to pleasure him as he gasped and held my hips which were now pressed against his waist, loving the way he was looking up at me with expectancy, not seeing a trace of anything negative in his eyes, only purity...even if it was filthy pure.  
"How do you want to take me?" I purred, shifting off his lap but continuing to slide my hand along his length, his hips starting to thrust as he probably imagined in his mind slamming into me and making me whimper and curse. And I wanted it, so badly, and he looked so enticing, I just wanted to run my tongue over every inch of him.  
"Lie down" he murmered softly, trailing his hand down my body as I lay back, shivering as they drifted over my nipples and stomach, barely grazing my crotch area which only made me yearn for him intensely, desperate for him to touch me as I watched him intently, my lip sucked between my teeth and bitten in an attempted not to moan like a whore as soon as he drifted his snowy white fingertips over my aching heat, teasing me with his fingers and making me moan softly, opening my legs further for him as I saw him reach for a condom in that I'd not-so-subtly put on my bedside table.  
"God, I want you so much" I moaned, squeezing his ass as he tensed and moaned, his raven hair falling over his face as he looked down at me appraisingly sliding the condom on, turning to face me and flicking his hair out of his face.  
In that moment I had a flashback to our teen years, rolling around on the bed attached at the lips. Except this time it felt entirely different, with less fumbling and more intention, fire, lust.  
He leaned down into me, his closeness having a calming effect instead of a strangulating one, a feeling I wasn't altogether used to. I was a big fan of personal space. Usually.  
His lips drifted up my neck and I cried out softly as he sucked on my earlobe, shivering and reaching around him to run my nails gently down his back, feeling his hard on pressing into my thigh as I rutted up into him, delighted when he moved from my ear to my mouth, his tongue sliding erotically against mine, the urgency in his motions reminding me that he wanted me, and I was practically drooling over him and he was touching me like I was the most precious specimen.  
I felt him prodding at my entrance and slid my hands to his waist, looking up into his eyes as he pulled back, his lips red and short of breath, panting slightly.  
He didn't say anything, just looked at me, noticing a sly smile cross his lips as my eyes fluttered and my mouth dropped open as he pushed into me, my feet sliding down the back of his thighs, pulling him into me ever so slightly more as he filled me out, an instant spark of pleasure lighting like a flare inside me, feeling something akin to electricity as he moved his body down to kiss me, his pale chest pressing against my breasts, his lips on mine, letting his tongue dance with mine as his hair hung around our faces, his hips pressing against me and upwards, hitting me deeper as I choked out a moan and my head hit the bed, noticing him watching me intently as I opened my eyes, my back arching.  
I looked back into his eyes "fuck, Gerard, that's so good" I said hoarsely and breathlessly  
"Mm, yeah?" He sighed a satisfied sigh and looked me me almost evilly for a moment, shuddering as I anticipated what that look was supposed to signify, getting my answer as he pushed his upper body off me, settling back on his knees before- despite my weak protests- easing my calves onto his shoulders. He was big and it was intense and he knew that. He wanted to ensure he was memorable. I knew myself that he didn't need length or girth to achieve that, but I was no longer going to protest it.  
"Do you want me to stop?" He purred, slowing his hips down to a torturously slow pace, resting his thumb on my clit and starting to rub slow circles, throbs of elation starting to pulse through me.  
"Fuck, no" I gasped, reaching out but only managing to grip his lower arm which was tensed besides my hip as the other worked me intently, his thumb making me feel like I wanted to fucking scream "it's just so..." I started, but didn't have the breath to finish.  
"So...what?" He breathed, starting to quicken the pace of his hips "tell me" his eyes kept me pinned  
As our eyes connected, barely aware of our bodies entwined in the most intense way I could think of at that moment, knowing he shouldn't be inside my house, inside me. But he fucking was and fuck, I loved it.  
"It's so fucking wrong.." I started and gasped loudly, unable to refrain from crying out his name as he fucked me harder, his hand drifted from my clit to my breast, caressing me softer than I thought he would, noticing his own face faltering, his own mouth dropping open and taking huffing breaths as he still managed to focus on me.  
"Wrong?" He smiled knowingly, suddenly pulling out and easing me firmly onto my front, slipping into me from behind as he held my hips.  
"So fucking wrong" I breathed, stopping short as he took hold of my upper body and pulled me back towards him, my back pressing against his chest, my head lolling against it, my hips pulled back as his slipped against mine again and again, looking down to see how wet I was and how far into me he was pushing along with increasing blindness.  
"You know it isn't wrong. It's right. I'm meant to be here.." he breathed into my ear, making me moan breathlessly "fucking you"  
I groaned again and laughed airily "oh, shit, I don't care. I just fucking want you so bad, nn-fuck. You make me feel so good"  
He moaned then and attached his lips to my neck. The feeling of his hot mouth on my pulse made me throb, setting off a chain reaction that resulted in me crying out as I started to come hard, my hips helplessly jerking back against his  
"Mmm, that's it" he breathed against my neck as he released it  
"Gerard!" I cried out, our bodies separating for a moment as my back arched from a sensation so intense it had my head on his shoulder and my hips nearly slipping out of his grip.  
"Oh, fuck...it's okay" he whispered in my ear "fuck, just...shit" he breathed helplessly into my ear, his nonsensical cussing just making me feel more hopelessly fucked, my orgasm continuing to throb as I produced helpless whispers and moans punctuated with fucked-out groans, whimpering before looking down at him thrusting up into me, the sight making me throb even more aggressively around his cock, feeling his hand grasp my breast, lightly at first but the grip getting firmer as I heard him start to continuously gasp, hot breathy pants singing my earlobe.  
"I- I'm gonna.." he choked out, clutching my body to his as he thrust harder suddenly, hitting me deep and sweet, closing my eyes in rapture but also listening intently to his sounds, the quickening of his breath indicating-  
"STEVIE" he sobbed brokenly into my ear as he held my hips again and thrust hard a few more times before taking a deep breath, causing me to be pushed forwards as he filled his lungs, delighted to feel his hands still hot on my body, his fingers blindly trailing down my skin as he caught his breath, still fixed in the position pressed against each other, most likely stuck from sweat.  
Regardless, I was expecting us to come apart quickly but, as he now had a new habit of doing, surprised me by wrapping his arms around me and squeezing me before letting me down gently onto the bed, looking at him as I rolled over.  
He disposed of the condom, wrapping it in a tissue from the side of the bed and shoving it in his jeans pocket before sliding his boxers back on. Even though I wished he didn't.  
I started to reach for mine as he sat besides me but he playfully grinned and took my wrists, wrestling me and rolling on top of me  
"nooo, stay naked" he pouted, looking down at me again despite the fact he had just seen my naked body writhing beneath his and for some reason, he still couldn't get enough.  
"You have yours on" I commented, relenting and letting him pin me to the bed.  
He shrugged "they don't have to stay on"  
I giggled and wrapped my legs around his waist, making him fall on top of me which probably would have winded me if he wasn't as lean as he was.  
I ran my hands up and down his warm back, biting my lip "you look really good"  
He cocked an eyebrow "yeah?"  
I nodded, taking the opportunity to run my fingers through his hair "and your hair is hot"  
He groaned, half in pleasure and half from disdain as he said "people keep telling me it's too long"  
"No!" I protested, rolling us over so I was on top of him "no, I like it"  
I leaned down and kissed him softly  
"Even though I also like you with a bit of meat on you...or not, like, whatever" I laughed and he blushed suddenly  
"That's really...sweet" he whispered and I tensed realising I'd cast the net that had caught his feelings at some stage and, man, I really wanted to reel him in.  
"Oh c'mon, you know I think you're hot" I leaned down to kiss his neck as he seemed to blush redder the more I looked at him.  
He moaned softly and sighed, making me tingle and surf his wavelength of content and horny. So fucking horny.  
"You're beautiful" he murmured and I was glad I had my face buried in his neck as I was the one blushing then, deciding to suck on him again instead, almost out of habit.  
"Ohh-mm, you like doing that, don't you?" He whispered, his vocal chords vibrating as he hummed below me.  
"Mmm, remember how obsessed teenagers used to be with hickeys?" I reminisced, retreating from his neck to fold my arms across his chest and gaze down at him, resting my chin on my arms.  
He looked up, red and flustered, and I wondered if I looked the same, or if I managed to maintain any grace whatsoever, which I doubted. "Yeah. I remember giving you one and you did the worse job covering it so you fuckin' gave me one as well" he smirked and I laughed softly, that memory having been stored in the back of my mind.  
"Yeah" I smiled "I also remember the time that you'd been at that gig, y'know the one at the boat house?" I started and he nodded, but then paused and a naughty look crossed my eyes like he knew what I was going to say.  
"And I was so high from smoking all day I was literally on another plane...and I saw you on that stage singing your heart out, all sweaty and passionate and, AH fuck, I knew I just wanted you so badly it was an effort not to grab you straight after the show and shove your cock in my mouth"  
He gasped gently, clearly catching him by surprise, redder than ever and making my heart squeeze. I sensed how he wasn't used to this kind of talk, or at least, not expecting it from me, but he was giving me all the tell tale signs of arousal and I wanted to push him as far as I could. I'd eat him out if that's what it took to have him begging me to finish him off.  
The thought made me shudder and he looked almost scared, making me laugh, except it came out in a more sinister way than intended.  
"I don't think I had to move at all when you took me back to yours, you were doing all the work" he smirked suddenly  
"Yeah?" I purred, rubbing my thumb across his lip.  
"Yeah, you nearly had us on the floor trying to balance on that desk chair.." he recalled and I bit my lip "before you realised your mum was next door and not aware and I had to put your panties in your mouth so your mum didn't hear you moaning".  
I groaned this time, my nerves tingling.  
"Gerard, fuck, I'm still so horny" I breathed, looking at him pleadingly  
"What do you want me to do, baby?" He raised an eyebrow "you want me to lick you stupid?"  
I shuddered visibly and he noticed, running his hands down my back, resting on my ass before giving it a squeeze, making me whimper and sigh.  
"I-i don't care, you can do what you want to me" I whispered honestly  
"Well... there's this thing I kinda always wanted to-" he started and paused when he saw my face light up with excitement and chuckle breathily, leaning up to snatch at my lips, making me lean in, wanting more, but he pulled back.  
"Finish the sentence" I advised, raising an eyebrow.  
"Well, it involves going outside..not far" he murmered, looking like he was expecting me to say no. Why would I?  
"O-okay" I smiled, my brain urging me to ask questions but my mouth not forming the words. I didn't really want to know the answer. The way I felt, he could take me anywhere and I would happily go, my hand in his, his arms around my waist, his lips on my neck.  
"Let me find the right outfit" I beamed, noticing him staring at me unashamedly as I hopped off the bed, pulling my underwear on before pulling the drawer open (the drawer in the spare room was entirely dedicated to my old band t-shirts and other clothing I couldn't bear to part with for whatever reason) catching sight of my Dookie t-shirt and turning to show Gerard, holding it up to my chest.  
He grinned and nodded "yes, wear that!" He encouraged me, laughing as I pulled it on.  
"And a hoodie" he chipped in, pulling his own clothes on and moving towards me, noticing my bag of makeup on the bedside table "remember when you used to make me wear eyeliner?"  
"Um!" I started and put a hand on my hip, my eyebrows knitting together "I did not MAKE you do anything!" I retorted. "And it's not like you didn't like it, you were all-" I started, turning to the mirror and pouting and posing, squealing as he suddenly grabbed me round the waist, spinning me around. He set me down eventually and playfully pushed me.  
"You can put some on me if you want" he smirked.  
"More like if YOU like" I sneered, but grabbed the makeup bag nonetheless. I wasn't about to pass up this chance. He already looked hot as hell, especially with his hair all messy and smelling of sex, his lips red and bitten. I could barely resists him for a minute.  
He smiled and leaned down slightly so I could comfortably reach his eyes. I was a decent amount shorter than him but, working together, we had the end product in the shape of one very sexy looking motherfucker.  
I tried to play it cool as I gazed into his dark smudged- eyeliner hazel eyes but struggled, feeling my face heat up.  
He noticed but instead of teasing me, he took the pencil that I didn't realise was still in my hand, and threaded it between his fingers as took my face in his hand to steady it, forcing me to look at him "let me do you"  
I resisted the urge to blurt out the obvious and instead stood quiet and still as he (surprisingly well) adorned me with the same markings, those of our youth and our hearts.  
I waited until he'd finished before throwing my arms around his shoulders and kissing him hard, wrapping his arms around me to stabilize me, laughing as he regretfully pulled away after a moment, motioning with his head as he went towards the door.  
"Come on" he smiled.


	5. No Outsiders Allowed

We were in the street, it seemed familiar but not completely, like it wasn't somewhere I frequented but I knew it was there.  
The twilight was breaking and the mix of colours in the sky only added to the shroud of romance that seemed to hang over us like a veil as we drifted through the streets.  
"You hungry?" He asked, nodding to the pretzel vendor on the corner. I knew it was probably coincidence but I loved pretzels. Big time.   
I nodded urgently and grinned, pocketing the joint we'd been smoking and grinning as Gerard handed me what he must have remembered to be my favourite. If he did did things like that on many more occasions I would...well, I'd be happy, I guess.   
I was eating and walking and, whilst high, this proved mildly tricky and took my attention away from anything else until I destroyed the last of it and crumpled the bag in my hand, lowering it to throw it into the garbage can when I noticed him looking at me. Even, staring.   
I came back to reality and my hand followed through, tossing the bag and instinctively taking his hand as he had finished way before me. This was a common occurrence and yet another attribute that was probably the reason that his lips twitched in a shy smile as he squeezed my hand.  
"Where are you taking me you dark, strange man?" I giggled as he tucked me under his arm and mussing my hair, squealing and slapping him away.  
"I'm sorry, I just wanted to touch you" he huffed playfully, his eyes gleaming in the purple skylights and he appeared calm and semi-reserved as he used to be but he also had the edge, an edge that I couldn't quite make heads of tails of. It was either his teenage instincts returning as a mental response to seeing someone from that time, and especially someone as close as I once was to him (as bonds like that are hard to break), or it was a new light to him that I hadn't met properly yet, but he just seemed enveloped by a THC cloud (figuratively and literally) and he made me feel so protected and so at ease as if floating on an opioid boat to orgasm island.  
As every woman my age would probably admit, I am a feminist but it always feels so unbelievably good to have that security shroud. Especially one that was so hot I could barely take my eyes off him. How the tables had turned.   
This time, he caught me looking and twisted his lips as if he wanted to say something before gently taking my wrist to guide me across the road safely, as my attention, as always, was pretty limited. Though I did somehow feel a switch flick in my head as if a red light to a photograph, realising I'd been there before.  
I still wanted my answer despite this realisation and noticing him stopping at a path that ended in a gate with a hill beyond, and my mind started ticking to try and release the information. It wasn't happening yet, but I'd get my answer.  
"What were you going to say?" I stopped in front of him, speaking quietly as not to draw attention to us, but still unable to stop my hands from threading around his waist, pulling our hips together, staring him down, his darkened eyes making me feel like a horny teenager. Again. Pushing the thought away, I followed up my question because the silence was so long, his lips merely trembling as he purposefully paused so I would continue holding his crotch firmly against mine "and where are you taking me?"  
He relented and held my chin, tilting my head up. I loosened my grip on him, not wanting to push my luck.   
"Well, do you remember that surprisingly sturdy old treehouse that we had that we used to use in the summer.."   
Nah. It definitely couldn't still be there, it had been a reasonable length of time and I know mother nature's intent is not to preserve the abandoned, which I assumed it would have been as the younger generations found alternative past times to create their memories there instead of making dens and having adventures.   
The thought made me smile "there's absolutely no way you have access to that place I mean, it wasn't exactly in a common place-"  
"It is now. Y'know America, always building stuff" he snorted derisively, but with little malice. I sensed that there wasn't even a drop of that in him as he stood with me on the street corner holding my face.  
"So, what, did someone renovate it?" I perked up, my brain working through the possible answers as my brain had no patience, ever.   
"In a way.." he released my face and tugged me down a path that wound around a familiar lake which had been fenced off, a gate with a no entry sign slapped just yards away from our destination.   
I paused as I looked to him to lead the show, figuring he didn't bring me down here for no reason at all.   
He just winked at me (I say just, it was miles more than 'just' at this point) and gestured to me as he cleared the gate impressively effortlessly. I playfully knocked his hand away as he offered me it, scaling it myself which was probably looked far less of an effortless feat.   
He stood with his hand on his hip down the path, curling his finger to beckon me to him, and I confidently strode towards him, almost reaching him when he grinned and turned on his heel, leading me the rest of the way.  
As it came into view, I couldn't help but smile. It had the same shape and position but seemed to be fortifed in a way that looked DIY but also stable. I gazed up at it, my brain buzzing with activity.  
"Did you go in?" I asked, my eyes following him as he moved to face me.  
"Yeah. I actually went to see it, uhh..it doesn't matter. Anyway, it had been used but isn't now. It was the strangest thing like a, uh, beacon or something"   
I was experiencing such strong feelings for him as he spoke, his respect for our childhood and the fact that he had even given this any thought, when I had forgotten until now, it made me feel guilty. Guilt on top of guilt brought tears to my eyes, panicking as wet started to drip down my cheeks, not wanting him to think I was crazy or something.   
He didn't notice as he was checking the exterior, almost as if he was giving it the once over, his leg dangling down the rope ladder as I furiously dried my face and called out to him "you alright?"   
"Yep, just making sure it's presentable for milady-" he looked down, and my hopes that the dying light would cover my tears were dashed when his face fell and he almost lost his balance, grabbing the rope but still had the same look of concern on his beautiful face. I hated it when he looked like that.   
"Baby, are you okay?" He frowned, holding his arm out as if encouraging me to come.  
"Yeah" I chuckled, embarrassed, walking to the ladder "yeah, I'm fine honestly"   
The fact that he'd called me baby added to my dizziness and drew my eyes up to him whose foot was hanging over the edge before it retreated and was replaced by his face, smiling down at me.   
"It's got lights and everything" he grinned, obviously trying to cheer me up. It was working. Working really well as I surfaced into the treehouse and had to sit immediately on the opening, my eyes scanning the room in a daze.   
It was beautiful. There were fairy lights strung along the shoddy beams, alt indie flyers on the wall and a mattress, which had rose petals scattered on it.  
"G-gerard" I gasped, looking up to him who was stood shyly waiting for my response "did- did you do this?"   
He shrugged his shoulders like a little boy and bit his lip "maaaaybe"   
"Fuck, it's so pretty. So pretty like you" I finally found the spark inside me which was ironically triggered by fairy lights and a boy, like I was a teenage girl. Except he wasn't a boy, he was a man. And he was fucking doing all the right things.   
He dropped the hatch and stood across from me "do you like it?" He looked genuinely like he wanted to please me and I didn't even know what to do with that.  
"Yes" I said softly, surveying the walls and the random snack bags that were in a box in the corner. It was definitely being used, so surely it was a risk us being there, right?  
"Did someone else do.." I gestured to the snacks and ashtray that suddenly stood out to me, trying to make sense of it in my head.   
"Yeah, kinda..it's not being used now, put it that way.." he peered at me from under his hair and I stepped towards him and brushed it behind his ears, our proximity closing in.   
"So it's just you and me?" I breathed, noticing him gently slide his jacket down and shake it off, not breaking eye contact even once, making me feel almost hazy with how confident and assured he seemed, whilst still appearing aloof.   
"Yes...but first, Stevie.." he paused to take me gently where I stood and pull me against his body gently, his chin resting on my head and rocking me soothingly "you can talk to me about anything. And you can be sad, it's nothing to be ashamed of. I'll just do my best to change that"   
There was a silence as I took in his words and inwardly vowed to myself that I wouldn't forget what he just said to me, though I doubted that was a possibility let alone a worry. I stepped back, his arms reluctantly loosening around me but still not releasing me, one hand loose in my hair.  
"Thank you." I replied softly, a smile playing on my lips as I drifted to the mattress and fingered the petals gently "this..is very romantic, I really like it"   
"Well, thanks. I'm glad you like it" he came to sit besides me and passed me a beer, his ability to procure things from thin air pretty damn handy.  
We sat facing each other, our conversation and the beer both making me feel comfortable, but Gerard was also clearly a factor in my comfort, his soft murmured speech and fingers brushing my wrist, hand and fingers, wondering if he knew how that particular contact made me feel...deep down.   
"Do, like...remember to tell me if you ever think I'm getting too much, I know I can be quite forward at times" he said suddenly mid-story. I was shocked, it had never occured to me that he could have been pushing his luck because to be quite honest, the person doing that was me.   
I told him just that and he smiled sadly, squeezing my hand again, my heart starting to thump irregularly, waiting for the next time he would cause the same damage, wearing me down gradually and sweetly, eventually just ripping me apart and ruining me.   
The thought caught me off guard. I looked up at him and his sweet face and pushed him down onto the mattress, starting to mercilessly tear his clothes off, having little to no disregard for any object inanimate, a primal instinct coming over me as I considered how I could be so stupid to let him be in the same room with me that long after being so nice to me and so sweet without paying him back the way my soul urged me to, and the twitching of a different kind stirring up some filth.   
As I was thinking this, Gerard had taken to gazing at me looking nervous and shy as if waiting for bad news.  
"It's not bad news, honey" I heard myself say, ripping my hoodie off and pulling my shirt over my head and totally not missing the look on Gerard's face that read 'fuck yeah'.  
I had him naked in under a minute, my hands moving ridiculously quickly from muscle memory. My mouth had already started watering and his boxers were the only thing that stood between my hand and his warm crotch, rubbing him steadily. I wanted to tease him. I wanted to please him. I wanted to thank him the way that I knew he and I both wanted to do. Natural instincts are impossible to deny when a person makes you feel like there's hope in the world when you saw almost none.  
"Fuck, you're really not messing around" he gasped and despite his words, brought his hand over mine on his boxers and squeezed, moaning softly and looking at me with pure lust in his eyes, no dying embers but full burning flames.   
"No, I'm not" I retorted, kissing down his chest to settle my lips around his nipple, working my tongue lightly around it, getting a much more enthusiastic response than expected, his voice ringing out as he cried out, moaning frustratedly.  
"Do you like that?" I whispered in his ear, letting my tongue slide out to caress the shell of his ear and he creased like wrapping paper, his hands reaching out and curling around my waist. We were both clearly indulging in the moment, me straddling him with one hand still fondling him and the other sitting high on his chest with my fingers splayed out which rose and fell with him panting.  
"I don't think you know what you're doing to me" he sighed, lying there and letting me touch him "you really don't"   
I smirked playfully and ran my tongue from his collarbone to his ear and his head fell to the side. "Is it good?" I asked tentatively, as a part of me always expected to receive bad feedback.  
"So good"   
"I want to show you how I feel about you" I breathed in his ear, wrapping my hand around him and pumping him slowly.  
"Do it" he smiled softly "I can't get enough of you. You make me feel so much better"  
Better? His choice of words had me hesitating as I knelt on the matress next to him, tugging him but studying his face. What did he mean by that? My hand slowed and I looked down into his eyes.  
"Don't stop" he murmered pleadingly and I hesitatingly resumed my motions, suddenly starting to feel really emotional. I'd already cried once and I felt like I was ready to bust again because, as happy as I was to be in Gerard's presence, I felt that there was something amiss. But he had told me not to stop, so of course I wasn't going to. Instead maybe a distraction for us both amidst this lingering sadness that hung around us like smoke, barely seeing the lights twinkle through. I look at his face one more time and I noticed his eyes were gleaming with tears, but he was clearly trying to pretend it wasn't happening.  
"Fuck, Gerard" I sobbed softly, moving my hand and lying on top of him, stroking his cheek with my thumb and looking into his eyes searchingly "what's.." I began, but he clearly had other ideas.   
"Nothing. I..I don't want to say or do anything other than just be with you, please.."   
His voice was slightly broken and my heart just sunk to hear it. I'd heard him like this before but I knew I had a tendency of not picking up on others emotions. I surely was now.   
"O-okay, we can do whatever you want" I whispered, kissing his lips.  
"I want you.." he murmered and I nodded, heart starting to thump, knowing I wanted to take the lead, to give him what he wanted.  
He moved to get up but I pushed him down firmly. We were already naked so it only took a few motions to slide him inside me, not used to being so wet.  
"That's it" he whispered, biting his lip as he choked back a moan, whimpering as I started to move my hips against his, bracing my hands on his chest as I moved back, sitting up as I moved steadily.  
"Fuck" he whispered, bending his knees so I slid forwards onto his length, moaning louder than intended as he started to rub my g-spot, my nails dragging down his chest.   
"Shit" I cursed, crying out as the yearning increased, feeling my clit throb between my fingers as I pet it gently as per his silent command as he nudged my hand down.  
"Oh fuck, please" my legs started to tire but I had no intention of giving up. Gerard however had other ideas and silently flipped me off him and pushed my thighs up against my chest and slipped easily inside me. The first thrust hit hard and I made a noise like I'd been winded. He looked briefly at me before continuing, sliding his hands between us to rub me as he pushed my knees up and thrust into me, starting to feel like I was losing my mind.   
"Please" I whimpered again and he growled softly, holding my face to kiss me urgently as I started to cry out in his mouth, gasping for breath as he tugged on my lip with his teeth.  
"There you go" he sighed, noticing I was coming before I did, the contractions making me feel awash with bliss, my legs twitching wildly around his shoulders. I let my head fall back as I choked and moaned, enjoying the view of his twisted handsome face looking like dirt as he started humming softly, the sound building as his mouth fell open and they turned into reckless moans, slamming his hips into mine a few more times before nearly screaming my name, feeling him throb inside me before slowly coming to a stop, sighing and kissing me before falling onto his back on the matress next to me.   
I was still catching my breath as I turned to face him and stroke his hand.   
"You're amazing" he murmered, kissing me twice, pulling away reluctantly as if he didn't want to stop.   
I completely disagreed with him but I kept quiet- it wasn't often I was called amazing.   
I stayed quiet for a moment just being present, listening to him breathing as I gazed up to look at the treehouse, finding it so hard to believe I was actually there, like it was a daydream come to life.   
He broke the silence by saying my name and I turned my head to see him gazing at me, a tingling rising that made me feel adored, and I couldn't get enough. He made me feel so singular that it was hard to remember other people existed, especially with the silence that surrounded us in what was now a forgotten corner on the edge of the suburbs. And it was ours.   
I realised I hadn't responded to him and he couldn't help but smile. "Have you forgotten how to speak?" He teased, pulling gently at a strand of my hair.   
"When you fuck me like that, well, yeah"   
He started laughing and it was unexpected and made me jump which only made him laugh more "you're really the forward kind aren't you?" He grinned, and I blushed furiously.   
"I- I guess I'm just not the romantic kind" I stuttered as a response and he stroked my hair soothingly   
"I'm only joking. I know you, and if you want to be dirty fuck buddies fucking in toilets and motels-"  
"And treehouses" I interjected, making him smirk and nip at my lip.  
"And treehouses...then we can. I'm not threatened by your husband and I know for a fact that I can fuck you better than him".  
My mouth dropped open and I stared at him, surprised by his sudden change in nature, but not hating the filth coming out of his mouth.   
"Can I not?" He asked, propping his head up on his hand.   
"Do you really want to know?" I asked, mirroring his body position and staring him down.   
"Yes."  
"The truth is, when you're inside me it fucking feels like...right. You make me so wet and hit my g-spot so nice.."  
I could see his face trying to stay straight but doing an appalling job, which only made me want to push him further.   
"But sometimes it hurts and fuck, I just like that even more-"  
"Fuck, Stevie!" He laughed breathlessly, seeming slightly annoyed that I broke him.  
"What?" I asked innocently and was taken aback as I was pushed down, feeling his tongue running along my lip, seeking entrance. I kissed him hard and found myself panting again, it wasn't even something to be considered in my mind, I wanted him to touch me and kiss me and hold me and I didn't see myself changing my mind about that any time soon.   
"I think you just turned yourself on" he laughed, his face looking so attractive when it lit up like it was.   
"Let me lie on you" I smiled, half on and half off him, straddling his waist but leaning on his chest, his fingers absently running up and down my arm.  
"I don't need to turn myself on, if you're there it's safe to assume that is the reason" I said and he laughed, nodding   
"Et toi" he returned with a smirk.  
"All I know is...when I look at you, I don't see anything else" what I thought was a plain statements seemed to hold a lot of weight with Gerard, who stared at me silently.  
"Wow" he replied simply and I blushed.  
"Sorry, was that a bit...much?" I murmered, looking down.   
He caught my chin and lifted my face to his.  
"No. It was nice." He said and there was a pause as we gazed at each other for a moment before his eyes shifted to my tattoo under my collarbone, fingering it delicately, tracing the lines.   
"You're a Jedi, huh?" He smirked, referring to the fact that it was the Resistance symbol from what happened to be movies we watched together, many times as well.   
"Well, first of all- you know it, bitch. Secondly..there's a little more to it than that" I smiled sadly and let my head drop to the pillow "it's a long story"  
"Okay" he murmered, but didn't push me to finish "they look good on you, I just can't do the whole needle thing"   
"Still? I did wonder whether you'd grow out of that or whether it was a legit fear"   
"Well yes Stevie, it is legit" he said mock-sternly and I giggled.   
"You'd look hot with tattoos. You look hot with eyeliner on, that much I know"   
It was smudged now but he still managed to look effortlessly gorgeous. I don't think he even realised just how gorgeous he was.   
"Thanks" he beamed "and you...just..wow" he murmered and I blushed ferociously, feeling his hand on my ass.  
"Yeah I'm not all that, I'm not exactly a size zero.."   
He smacked my ass and I yelped, taking hold of his shoulders. He stared piercingly into my eyes.  
"I don't like skinny girls. I like curves and authenticity" he purred "you're fucking perfect"   
"I'm not-"  
"Stevie, don't you trust me?" He smiled lopsidedly and squeezed my ass again.   
"I, uh.." I had no idea why I was at a loss for words around someone I'd grown up with, but I was. Being around him now was totally different to how it used to be, and he made me nervous because I instantly coveted him to the nth degree since the moment he reappeared in my life   
"Yes" I whispered eventually. "Completely"   
"Me too" he said with a kiss.


	6. Gee

We had partly re-dressed and were doubled over a notebook that Gerard had found from a previous owner that, being baked and loose, we were finding hilarious.   
"Is that legitimately a treasure map?" I poked it and giggled "I wonder what the prize is for tracking it down"  
He shrugged and smiled "maybe one day we should find out"   
"Wouldn't it be cool if it was an actual treasure like, gold coins or straight up drug money"   
He laughed and kissed my forehead "money isn't everything."   
"I guess not. But having a storeroom full of quality art stuff would be real nice"   
He nodded "art stuff is so expensive" he looked at me intensely and I tingled, hearing him say "you're still an artist, huh?"   
We always worked together, and when we parted it became so tough for me to make anything worthwhile without feeling an aching in my heart and eventually it caused my passion to be shoved onto the back burner in lieu of a steady job and a traditional fucking boring life.   
"Well...kinda. I lost all motivation and inspiration when I, uh, lost something else, and I guess life got in the way"   
He put the book down on my lap and gazed sadly at me "what did you lose?"   
I avoided his eye contact and sighed "...well, you.."   
His face dropped like that wasn't the answer he was expecting, and he sighed too "o-oh" his head hung and I panicked slightly.  
"It's not your fault, Gerard. I could have picked it up again alone but life got in the way, honestly, I don't want to see that look on your face" I scolded gently and he relented in his gloom and kissed me on the cheek.  
"I'm still sorry. Sometimes I think I never should have left, and that I'll never make a right choice. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I stayed with you"   
Oh, God. I wasn't expecting him to say something like that, and it hit me like an eighteen wheeler.   
"Maybe you wouldn't be married. Or maybe you would...to me" he murmered and my heart constricted to the point I thought I was going to pass out.   
I opened my mouth to respond but as fate would have it, at that moment my phone started ringing. There was a panic when I realised it was Jack. Fuck.   
I couldn't miss the expression on Gerard's face as I apologetically shot him a look and picked up the phone, moving to the window (I say window, it was more of a hole).   
"Hey" I said, trying to sound as even as possible.   
"Hey, I just got in and you're AWOL, you okay?" He sounded a little drunk, which I hoped would help my case. Also I heard no suspicion in his voice which just stabbed me again with guilt.   
"Yeah, I, uh, went to Bet's place and then felt real rough and I fell asleep" I glanced sideways to see Gerard looking at his own phone, pretending he wasn't listening.   
"Well, you wanna stay there? You can call in sick tomorrow at work and come home and recuperate?" He suggested, sounding sympathetic. I hated it. I also hated the fact that he didn't know I hadn't been going to work. So many secrets.   
"Yeah, I might just do... thanks" I murmered and he wished me a goodnight and I was bracing myself to have to return his 'I love you' but it never came.   
My heart was so confused as I hung up and turned to look at Gerard. He was sat on the mattress playing the Gameboy he'd 'found' (he totally owned it and played it every night before whacking off as his roommate got laid in the same room).  
I felt such a singular way when I looked at him. I had the butterflies, sure, but I knew they could often fool a person to make mistakes and I'd made enough. Or maybe not nearly enough at all. His hair hung in his face as his fingers worked the buttons, grunting softly with annoyance every now and then. I just wanted to hold him. I wanted to hug him and press my lips all over him and make it so I could always be a shield to protect him from what seemed to be troubles in his heart. I didn't know if another troubled heart would possibly act as a fix but I didn't care one ounce.   
I loved him.  
"Gerard, I love you" I said quietly, almost sure that he wasn't going to hear me.  
I vaguely saw the screen flash as he got beaten as he paused, thinking. It wasn't long before he dropped it on the mattress and turned to me, his face a picture that I knew I was going to remember for the rest of my days.   
"Say that again" he whispered, not moving from his spot as he gazed across at me.   
"I fuckin' love you" I sobbed, the reality of the situation hitting me like a ton of breeze blocks.  
He stood and came carefully towards me, brushing his hair back as he sought to get eye contact. When he did, I felt a yearning and urgency in the pit of my stomach that I'd not felt in a long time.   
"Stevie" he whispered softly, almost taken aback by the situation but also seemingly ready for it, if his composure was anything to go by. It didnt last long as he suddenly wrapped his arms around my waist and hiked me up effortlessly, holding me to him, my feet off the ground and my entire being floating as I indulged again in his hazel eyes.  
"I'm not letting you go" he whispered, licking his lips and leaning in, his breath coming out in pants.  
"I don't want you to. Ever " I felt myself coming over emotional again, but this time I didn't even think twice about it. Especially not as he seemed to be doing the same. I tried to ease the tension by playfully saying "are you not going to say you love me back?"   
He stared hard at me before placing me on the futon and moving his body towards mine, the proximity creating a burning heat that was making me sweat.   
"If you don't know by now that I love you more than anything then I guess I'll have to try harder to show you" he breathed and I panted.  
"Gerard, oh fuck.." I whimpered, grabbing his face with both hands and crashing my lips against his, amazed by how our movements always were so fluid and fit well together like parts of the same mechanism. I felt like I could easily stay there with him forever, the world be damned.   
I moaned into his mouth, raking my fingers through his hair "I love you" I repeated, kissing him softly and repeatedly, my kisses drifting from his lips to his ear to his neck, hearing him moan unabashedly, his strong hands holding my body to his.   
There was no intention or planning involved as we just melted into one person, moving together, him on top of him to me on top of him, pushing his t-shirt up and stroking my skin.  
"U-use your nails" he whispered and I did as he asked, hearing the satisfied murmur he sounded into my ear.  
I pulled the shirt over his shoulders and threw it, pulling my own up so I could press my skin against his again, raising my arms as he yanked it off the rest of the way. From our tryst earlier, I was bra-less.   
Gerard gazed down at me and noticed my nipples hard and horny, mouthing urgently at the skin before sucking the tip gently and slowly, his hips starting to thrust into mine, our underpants the only barrier between his thick heat and my warm wetness, my love, affection and lust barely controlled.  
"I-i'm sorry, i don't want to-" he started mumbling apologetically and I put a finger on his lips, shaking my head.   
"I want you to want me. We deserve this" I breathed, my moans punctuating my statement.   
"I want you more than anything" he huffed, face red and precipitating slightly in the warmth of the room and the company "tell me what you want me to do. Anything. I'll do anything"   
My mouth dropped open slightly as I sighed breathlessly "I want....I want you to never leave me. I want you to hold me so close... impossibly close. And I want you to fucking take me in any way you want, I want to make you feel good. Not sad, good. So good"   
"I'm not sad" he breathed, starting to kiss my neck "not when I'm with you"   
"Ohh, god" I was writhing under his hands, moaning continuously, making no efforts to stop, but managing to enough to say "but we need to talk about you soon enough, baby"  
He murmered lowly as his lips sucked on my collarbone, but not enough to leave marks.  
I threaded my fingers through his hair and tilted his head back, staring into his eyes which fluttered. "I mean it, Gerard. I'm not just going to be the place you get to ignore shit. If you want to do this with me you can't hold back" I heard myself say, realising entirely that my marriage was more than in jeopardy, in fact, with every moment that I spoke to him I just fell harder.   
He stared at me for a minute, looking like he wanted to smile but something was stopping him, his lips twitching as if he was going to speak again. "Yes. Okay" he murmered, pausing again as I started to stroke his hair.  
"You, uhh, you're not the only one who's doing something technically 'immoral' here" he eventually said.   
I raised an eyebrow "I've already told you baby, it's my decision so-"  
"No, it's not that.." my head started to spin as he looked like he really didn't want to say what he was about to say. That was never good. My face must have been a picture as he looked nervous like he did when he entered the art competition in middle school and I was holding off on reacting until I'd heard what he had to say.  
"But first, will you promise me something?" He looked like he was about to cry, and I found it almost impossible to say no, which I didn't.   
"Okay" I nodded gently and examined his face.  
"Please stay here with me tonight"   
I held his hand and kissed him on the cheek "I promise"   
"I-" he was cut off almost immediately as a vibration sounded. He looked confused for a second before the colour drained from his face as he saw me look at mine, and shaking my head.   
He sighed heavily and looked at me like something bad was about to happen and answered the phone "h-hey"   
I could hear a vague voice on the other side but I couldn't hear what they were saying, but Gerard's part was more than enough to give me a gist. I sat listening with my head down, letting my eyes drift shut.  
"I know I said I'd come but something came up...I'm sorry, yeah...I know...I know...I just..." He was getting cut off a lot and looked exhausted just from the simple conversation "With a friend. Yeah, it's...a guy"   
I felt like I'd been stabbed. There was only one kind of person apart from his mother that would ask those questions and I knew full well what it was. I dared not look up as I tried to breathe slowly so I didn't burst into tears. In fact, I did my damnedest to not move at all for such a long time that it took me a moment to realise the call was finished and we were sat in eerie silence.   
"Stevie..." I heard him mumble and I really didn't want my heart to feel the way it did when he said my name- especially not after that phone call I just witnessed.   
"Yeah" I replied weakly, not even a question. Just...yeah.   
"It's not...not like it seems. I know that's a cliché" I felt his hand on my back and I shook it off.   
"How is it, then?" I murmered, my head still hanging.   
"Please look at me" he begged, his voice shaking ever so slightly.   
"Umm..in a minute" I breathed and held my face in my hand. What did I actually expect? I was married, he was gorgeous, why did I assume he wasn't attached? But that fact didn't help the jealousy that was burning in the pit of my stomach and rising.   
"She's...it's...I....fuck, Stevie, I don't even care, you're all that I'm thinking about"   
The statement warmed me, but I suddenly had a sick feeling as the possiblity entered my head. I raised my head and looked straight at him, slight deterred as he was clearly upset. But I wanted to know.   
"This...this isn't yours and...hers?" I gestured to the treehouse and already dreaded his answer.   
But it wasn't the shit one I anticipated.   
"No, fuck! No!" His handsome face twisted into passion and anger and I couldn't help but bite my lip "Stevie, I...when I got home and started living my life I couldn't stop thinking about you and I well...I gave these kids some money to give me the treehouse. I think they bought a PlayStation. It's not important, anyway, I've...I've been spending time here on my own anyway. I've been finding it so hard and she's so... controlling, I know that sounds so stupid.."  
I got to my feet and dusted myself off.   
"Is all of that true?" I asked bluntly, waiting for the answer and not knowing how I was going to react regardless.   
"Yes." He hissed so sternly and urgently that I believed him. But I wasn't going to let him off that easily.   
"I'm not some past crush rebound?" I said, before shaking my head "but I'm not a rebound cos you're still in a relationship"   
"No, you're not. And technically no, I'm not. I was convinced by a friend to date his friend because I was in a bad place and he thought I could use a distraction"   
"A distraction? So what, just constant casual sex?" I knew I sounded bitter but I couldn't help it. The thought of anyone else touching me made me feel sick, despite the glaring hypocrisy of that statement.   
I was turning away as he caught my arm and pulled me back around to face him "it's not like that. It's all one big fuckin' mistake" he sighed frustratedly, running his hand through his hair.  
"I'm sorry, I just, the thought of someone else touching you, I just- I know it's hypocritical but, ugh" I shuddered, looking up at him and hoping I didn't seem like the worst person ever.   
He looked like he was lamenting this, probably thinking the exact same thing about me. But he had the grace not to say exactly what he was thinking.   
"I'm sorry"   
But fuck that, our redeeming quality as a twosome always used to be that we were always painfully honest with each other, that's why my hair changed colour so many times and many of his shirts either went in the trash or into the trash and then straight into my PJ drawer. I didn't want to lose that quality.   
"Gerard." I said suddenly, knocking his hand off my arm and placing my hands firmly on his shoulders.  
He looked surprised and a bit scared, which made me want to laugh. Probably not the best time to laugh, might seem sinister.   
"Come on. We're adults, we should be able to talk about this honestly. We've gotten ourselves into this situation so we at least need to be on each others sides if we want to..." I started.  
"To what? Tell me what you want from me" he challenged, raising an eyebrow. His eyes had gone from sad to firey as hell, and I'm sure that mine matched his. Standing in a treehouse having a come to not-jesus moment. (Maybe for him, certainly not for me).   
"I want..." I thought a little about how to phrase it without sounding demanding or petty. "I just...I just want you, Gee" was all I could manage.   
He was quiet for a minute before saying "I won't let her call me that. Only you get to"   
Oh, god! My heart pounded and a feeling of adoration washed over me. I'm surprised I managed to call him Gerard this long without becoming too familiar.   
I couldn't help but smile. "Good. Cos you're mine, Gee"   
He stared back at me, still unsure how to proceed. "don't you kind of feel like..this is kind of meant to be?"   
I sobbed then and dropped my head, nodding "yes. I love you, you know that."   
"Oh, Stevie" he breathed, wrapping his arms around me. I rested my head on his chest, knowing deep down that we had major obstacles in our future, but also knowing that I was prepared to try and clear them. With him.   
"I better be the best in bed" I mumbled playfully into his chest and he laughed.   
"Baby, there's no competition there." He said without a doubt in his voice. "But it wouldn't hurt to like, reinforce.."   
I pulled away and shoved him in the chest, laughing "you may be a handsome god but fuck me, you're such a man" I rolled my eyes.  
He shrugged and grinned, happy that we'd seemed to have struck a balance. But it wouldn't be for long, not with the obstacles.   
But somehow, looking at him took all the worry away. Nothing else mattered.   
"Sit the fuck down" I pointed to the mattress and tugged my t-shirt over my head, my bottom half still bare bar my underpants.  
"What are you doing?" He asked with a glint in his eye.  
"I'm gonna rock your world" I winked and practically jumped on him.   
And I did.


	7. Everybody Loves Arcades

When I woke the next morning, the light from the hole window was creating a blush of soft sunlight across the treehouse and I could hear the birds singing in the tree above. I took in a deep breath and smiled to myself. I don't think I'd ever woken up as happy as this. At least not for a very long time. I turned my body on the futon to tell Gerard exactly that but was taken aback somewhat when I realised he wasn't beside me.   
I just stretched and yawned, not at all concerned about where he'd gone. I knew him so well I didn't have any doubt he'd come back to me. I just dreamed of a permanent version of that feeling.   
My bladder woke then, and I grunted, realising I had to go to the bathroom in the grass. I smiled to myself as I considered that I probably wouldn't even think about doing that for anyone else. It had the makings of a phone call to the girlfriend saying 'you'll never guess what happened on this date' but no, he was my girlfriend, and more.   
I climbed carefully down the ladder, pulling his boxer shorts on, laughing to myself wondering what he was or wasn't wearing, and how hot the image was of him standing in a queue somewhere with his beast hanging free.   
The feeling of my feet hitting the ground make me intake a huge breath, the grass between my toes feeling so lovely and authentic, the freeing sense of being with nature in a way that encouraged butterflies and bees and love. Unfortunately this romantic moment had to be ruined by me squatting and relieving myself near a bush at the back of the tree.   
As I was finishing I heard leaves rustling and hurriedly pulled my (his) boxers back up, conscious and slightly wary of these kids that Gerard had bought a treehouse from. It sounded exactly like something he'd do.   
I heard him say something to himself, revealing himself with his voice before I came around the tree and chose that moment to appear, noticing he was carrying coffee and what I hoped were pastries, watching him carefully put them down on a tree stump. He had his back to me and it amused me no end that he still hadn't clocked me. Not only that, he had moved into the brush and I didn't realise what he was doing until I heard his zip, suppressing a giggle as I heard him sigh gently- he must have been desperate.  
It made me giggle more how animated he was when he was doing near enough anything, but especially this, throwing his head back and shaking his hair out, and also seemed to be holding his breath at the same time.   
I couldn't help but shake my head as I waited for him to finish to quickly sprint up behind him and hug him from behind.  
He gasped and then laughed, the laugh turning nervous when he realised I'd probably seen his weird asphyxiation slash peeing session.   
"Is that for us?" I asked, smiling warmly as he turned in my arm, wrapping his around me and kissing my head.  
"No, it's for someone el- are you wearing my underwear?' he queried, raising an eyebrow and looking down "it's hot"   
"Yeah, I am, do you like it?" I teased, wanting him to re-establish that he in fact, did. I slid my thumbs into the waistband and pulled them out slightly, watching his eyes drift downwards and his lip disappear between his teeth. I tugged his undone jeans down his upper thighs and he grunted, his mouth dropping open and turning to see if anyone was around.  
"It's early..no one's gonna notice" I whispered in his ear and he bristled, suddenly kissing me hard. When he pulled away I added "and it's so nice out here, it's like a fucking fairytale, I want to capture the moment"   
He blushed and nodded as I rubbed my fingers along his erection.  
"Mmm, fuck" he sighed delightedly, letting himself accept the fact that I was going to suck his dick outside in the middle of suburbia where families lived. And I knew he loved it.   
"I really.." I started, sliding to my knees and reaching up to hold his hips, kissing him softly as he twitched needily "want to thank you for bringing me here" my tongue dipped into his slit, assuming I should feel repulsed as he had relieved himself a minute or two before, but I wasn't.   
"It's- AH, okay" he moaned softly "I'm just glad you like it...ooh, fuck"   
I really wasn't thinking of anything other than making him feel as good as I could with my mouth, and my hands..except maybe the lingering thought that I wanted to blow him better than his...whatever she was. Truly, however, I wanted to just hear him moan and sigh like he was. Over and over.   
I slid my hand up and down him, slowly at first, meeting my motion with my lips, saliva dripping down him as I gasped and choked slightly. His hand reached down to pull me off but I waved it away, leaning forwards on my knees and giving more, running my lips along him and rubbing him across my lips, settling into a filthy rhythm that had him bucking his hips forward and one hand tangled in his hair, noticing his eyes were squeezed shut and his mouth wide open as I glanced up, using the opportunity to run my finger along the wetness and slide it between his legs, past his balls and onto his perineum, pressing with differing tension as he cried out wantonly, actively watching me now, ah-ahing and whimpering helplessly, his free hand gripping his t-shirt which he'd lifted so he could spectate. I could sense him getting close so I delicately slid my pinkie into his tight hole, coughing as he thrust into my mouth, not even stopping to check on me this time- he was in that raptured state where anything could happen and he wouldn't know. I worked my finger as I opted to pull back and dance my tongue around his head, his cries almost becoming a potential noise disturbance. But I could have given a shit.   
"Stevie!" He gasped, squeezing my hair urgently as he grunted loudly, feeling his cock throb between my lips as he emptied crudely into my mouth, scrunching my nose slightly as I swallowed. I'd always hated the taste but for some reason the thought hadn't entered my mind until it happened. He tasted sweet like he'd eaten a bunch of pineapple before coming in my mouth.   
I sank back on my knees and looked up submissively at him as he (eyes on mine) zipped back up his jeans.   
"Fuck, that was so hot" he murmered, his scarlet face and tousled hair acting as convincing evidence.   
"Even hotter considering you bought me coffee. That's deal-maker business" I smirked, proud of the reaction I got but still craving caffeine as I always did in the morning.  
We sat on the grass as we ate and drank, my cup between my hands as I watched him eat. I was content and happy but I knew that that was about to change, and I honestly didn't want to ever have to do anything other than watch him eat ever again.   
"So.." I started.   
He looked at me and swallowed "so.." he breathed nervously like he was thinking the same thing that I was.   
"What...what are you doing today?" I opted for instead of a probing question.   
He smiled knowingly as he was well aware that wasn't the original question in my mind. "Well, it depends"   
"On what?" I asked suspiciously to his strange answer.   
"On what you're doing today"   
Oh. I hadn't thought that far ahead. Technically I had a free day as I was now on suspension from what they'd cooked up to be a mental health sickness period when really they couldn't afford to lose me.   
"I... I'm on leave at the minute" I started and I didn't miss how excited he looked, like he was rolling through all the ideas of what we could do that day, that sunny day with love in the air and the sun shining into our hearts as we grinned at each other, anticipation bubbling up inside me.   
"Whatever we do, there's something we must do first. It's not a common activity of ours so don't be alarmed" he suppressed a dirty smirk and I giggled, crawling towards him on the blanket.   
"What's that?"  
"We're gonna need to make love first" he said seriously.   
I couldn't help but laugh, knocking over my empty coffee cup "make love?"  
"Well what do you want to call it? I'll bone you, fuck you, shag you, tap that, slip you the sausage-"  
"That clears it up, thank you" I leaned towards him, my lips to his ear "you wanna do it out here? Give the neighbour kids a little biology lesson?"   
He shuddered and his eyes sparkled, looking like he wanted to say yes so badly, but didn't answer.  
I didn't say anything else, I just pushed him down onto the blanket, knocking the cups and paper bags to the side, my hand gently working his button and fly as I started suggestively tugging at them.  
His eyes looked a little wild as they darted around, seemingly after a moment placated and now just looking horny as hell.   
"Come on then" he raised his hips and I pulled his jeans off "come fuck me" he purred at me and I could have melted.   
"Oh, I will." I slipped his boxers off me and swung my leg over, arching my back as I put my face close to his, feeling his fingers starting to rub at what he could reach between my legs. So impatient. "You're not wearing a condom" I cautioned, tutting as I rubbed my hips up and down against his, his dick rubbing between my lips in such a sinful way that I just wanted to push him inside me.  
"I can last a while, I've just, yknow.. once" he breathed, hands on my ass tugging me forwards and begging me with his eyes.  
"Oh, can you now?" I sank onto him as his fingers twitched on my hips, humming lowly. "Has your girlfriend done this to you?" I probed huskily, knowing the answer.   
"You mean has she sucked me off in a middle class neighbourhood outdoors and ridden me on a blanket?" He smirked, sighing between his words "No."  
"Good" I had a thought that was a bit kinky but it felt right so I followed it though as I slipped a hand loosely around his throat.   
He looked at me daringly, not even trying to hide how much that one thing had obviously turned him up to eleven. "Fuck" he murmered, his hazel eyes no longer hazel "fuck, yeah"   
I whimpered as he slipped a hand down to my clit as I held his throat, finding a rhythm so satisfying that I was bouncing rhythmically against him, every thrust making me feel more like I wanted to die than the one before. I didn't even realise how much noise I was making and I slapped a hand over my mouth when I realised and he snarled and knocked it away.  
"Sing for me, sugar" he groaned, staring at me intensely.  
I didn't need any encouragement, I was already singing plenty, singing that was turning into breathy moans as my sight seemed to narrow and blur as the insatiable lust choked me, euphoric tingling and waves of pleasure rising from my heat up to my head and through my limbs, going momentarily limp as I collapsed on his chest, panting as he held me and cooed plaintively as his hips worked overtime chasing his own orgasm. I propped myself on my elbows so he could have better reach and was delighted to be awash with the same pleasure I'd just felt, my eyes rolling back as I whimpered and my thighs squeezed his hips.  
"Again?" He smirked "you're such a horndog" he panted and kissed me intensely as I felt his strokes becoming more erratic gradually, culminating in a guttural but glorious noise forced from his throat as he cried out, pushing me off him. He didn't even need to ask, I wrapped my hand around him and worked him quickly, kissing his neck. A few moments later he was throbbing in my hand as he shot out onto both his stomach and me.  
As we stopped and gradually re-entered the atmosphere, we lay panting for a minute listening to what seemed like a sleepy street starting to wake, but not be aware enough to hear two lovers thrashing it out near the lake. I hoped.   
I used a napkin from breakfast to wipe him down, who remained laying down and watching me, a dreamy look on his face.   
"That was amazing"   
I smiled shyly and slipped the boxers back on, moving to sit on my knees, letting him direct me this time. I wanted to do whatever, and I couldn't think of anything he'd suggest that I would veto.   
"Do you want to hang out?"   
Him saying that made me think that maybe that's partly what I was missing. I always planned things and got bummed when they didn't fit the ideal I'd sketched out in my head. Probably because I had the vivid memories of how much fun I'd had with Gerard, I'd always hoped to have the same feelings doing things with others. Even though some of them came close, none of them were the real deal. The real deal who makes things up as he goes along and shapes what are colourful adventuress in a time of bleakness. I wanted that, so I beamed at him and nodded.  
"You bet!" 

After about an hour of messing around instead of getting ready we were miraculously actually ready and wound up at Eight on the Break, which I subconsciously imagined us going as Gerard knew I loved nothing more than arcades, and that he loved nothing more than pounding their cheesesteak and beating my pinball scores. It made me smile that we were still dressed in our grungy threads and that Gerard still had a touch of eyeliner under his bottom lid, like we'd travelled back in time. We were both purposefully forgetting our responsibilities and were in a luminous happy bubble of love and ignorance.  
I reverted back to game-face Stevie which consisted of me grimacing at the screen and being extremely loud regardless of whether I won or lost. The only reason I'd never entered myself into a tournament was because Gerard begged and pleaded with me that it was NOT a good idea. For anyone.   
He was probably confirming this in his mind as we faced off on Street Fighter, kicking his ass Chun-Li style. However it did seem slightly like he was holding back a little, and I didn't have time for that shit.   
"C'mon Gee, don't go easy on me. You didn't in bed last night, ayyyoooo" I whooped and he started laughing, nudging my body with his affectionately.  
"Fine!" He cried and started button mashing, alarming me as he actually started beating me.  
"Oh, fuck me!" I protested gruffly.  
"We did that, in bed last night. Ayyyoooo!"   
I shrieked with laughter as he caught me off guard and finished me off.   
"KO, motherfucker!" He celebrated by dancing a little, shuffling his feet and giving me a poor man's version of the running man, stopping abruptly as I slapped him on the ass, harder than intended.  
He yelped and pouted before his eyes were drawn to the screen "round two!" He announced and we both turned back to the screen with intention, squaring up and preparing to win at all costs.   
It was my turn to celebrate the time, remembering the special move combo at the last second to help me wipe out Blanca like he'd gone from 16 bit to 0.   
"No!!" He cried defeatedly, despite him having another chance left.   
"You're such a drama queen" I teased, whilst clearly being smug. "Bring it"  
"Oh, it's coming alright" he said before pausing and winking at me.   
I scoffed and rolled my eyes as we contended for glory, tempted almost to stand on his foot to throw him off but decided against it, wanting to win fair and square.   
And I did. He groaned dramatically and let his head fall to the console, wailing.  
I couldn't refrain from mock-spanking him, showing him he'd been truly whooped and this cheered him instantly, giggling and pulling me towards him, the look on his face I knew matched mine of unbridled joy. It was such a original feeling and it had a similar effect on me to drugs. Looking into his eyes I didn't know if he felt the same but he definitely seemed to shine brighter than he had when we first collided at the coffee shop.   
"Right, you" he poked my nose and squeezed me "we need to find a game I can beat you at"   
I shrugged nonchalantly and smirked "good luck"   
"Oh, you're so sassy" he drawled, leading me away from his defeat.  
He did get even, but we ensured we had truly played enough games for it to be a logical and reasonable win for one of us.   
Unfortunately for me, it was him- but I couldn't have cared less, as I was just so elated from the day we'd had together. It was unplanned and definitely defined a perfect day. Lou Reed style.   
As fate would have it, that wasn't to last.   
We were sitting in the canteen splitting a greasy but glorious looking cheese steak when my phone vibrated. I checked and was greeted with a message from Jack.   
"Don't forget the reception"   
I furrowed my brow as Gerard looked away so not to pry, my brain actively working overtime to try and understand the text. Reception? What reception? As in wedding reception?  
Oh. Oh great. I, in the throes of romance had completely forgotten that real life existed had managed to push quite a sizeable engagement out of my mind. That worried me slightly and I also felt a pang of sadness knowing that being with Gerard simply couldn't last forever. Even though I would so love it to.   
I let my mind process all my emotions before I opened my mouth to speak to Gerard, not wanting to break down or cry in front of him again. "I, uhh, I've got an event tonight. Completely forgot.." I murmered, and he smiled to assure me, the look wiping off when his phone started to vibrate. I was wary because the last time that happened the news wasn't the best.   
"I'm going to the bathroom" I mouthed and he smiled apologetically as I walked away.  
I got my phone out straight away as I knew I needed to reply to that at the very least. My response came in the form of 'Sure. Be home at five' wishing I could feel as relaxed as my message made me sound. He responded with 'cool. See you later'.   
I examined myself in the mirror, looking what I considered to be a bit dishevelled but in a cool edgy king of way. I laughed into the mirror at this thought. I was grateful that there would at least be a free buffet at the event, running through my mind what I could wear even though I wanted nothing better to avoid it altogether.  
I rolled my eyes wishing life wasn't so full of obligations. I didn't know the couple all that well but Jack had ties with the Andy, the groom. I guess that kind of stuff comes with being married. I felt a pain in my stomach when that ran through my mind, knowing full well that Jack hadn't actually done anything wrong. I guess that's the bleak beauty of life, and the power of love.   
I sighed deeply as I saw Gerard with his head in hands at the table and frowned, putting my hands on his shoulders as I went to sit opposite. "Hey, what's up?"   
When he looked up at me his face was a picture. "Hey, Stevie, what's that uh, reception you're going to?" He was struggling to keep his voice even and I figured that he'd had a coughing fit choking on his drink or something.  
I shrugged "just some people my, uhh, Jack- knows"  
"Is it Andy, by any chance?" He asked, his face drained of all colour.  
"Y..yes.." I paused, starting to feel queasy "what do you know, Way?" I murmered, knowing me using his surname would resound with him, especially after my warning about honesty.   
"Yeah, I uhh, I know him, and kinda on the guest list. I completely forgot until you reminded me and then I got the call from Anna"   
I tasted something sour when he said her name, despite the fact there it was a perfectly acceptable name. For a girl who was probably more straight laced than me, and she was lacing her push up bra like I was lacing my dirty Chucks. I didn't want to feel the way I did but I couldn't stop the feeling. It was too strong.  
"I'm guessing you've already figured out there's gonna be a...situation here?" His head was in his hand, propping his chin up as he looked intently at me.  
"Well, yeah. But I can't pull the sick card because I just did it, and I made a promise.." I said before trailing off to remember other promises I'd made in the past. It ached.  
"Neither can I. I promised Andy" he watched my face in a away that almost made me feel examined and unnerved, but I concluded that it was because I was irritated that he didn't seem more shaken by it. Did I get it wrong about him, did he not care, or what?  
"Gee, forgive me for asking but why do you not seem remotely bothered that we are going to run into to each other with our respective partners at a place where you're known to show affection and and, I don't know if I can see that.."   
He twisted his lips eventually opened his mouth "I'm going to want to kill him." He said unexpectedly. "If I see him touching you I'm gonna go insane I don't care if you have a shared piece of paper" despite his words, his tone seemed mild.   
"So this doesn't bother you why??" I cried out as quietly as I could, leaning towards him on the table.  
"Because I know what's going to happen in time"   
I sighed exasperatedly "it must so be so easy for you men to like, not worry cos fuck what's going on, fuck the arguments and the pain and the heartbreak and let's just run off into the sunset" I was getting flustered and it wasn't a good look on me and I knew it.   
He looked hurt, but he didn't retaliate. "I get it, you've got more to deal with than I have-"  
"Uhh, just a bit. I've got an actual husband and you've just got some bint that your mate threw at you to suck your dick and keep you happy" I knew what I was saying was unfair but I was legitimately freaking out. I couldn't forsee how I could get through the evening without killing someone "Gerard-"  
"Stevie" he interrupted sternly and his tone was enough to make me shut up. Miraculously.   
"I love you"   
My mouth was still hanging open "what-" I started, bewildered by his choice of words "Gera-"  
"I love you, Stevie. That's all you need to know."   
His words calmed me somewhat and I was lying with my head on the table when it finally got through to me.   
"Gerard.." I choked, holding his eye contact for a moment before starting to cry. I tried to hide it as best I could but my intermittent sobbing blew my cover.   
Where Jack would be embarrassed, Gerard just took my chin in his hand, forcing me to look at him.   
"I'll be a dick to piss her off" he smiled devilishly and I couldn't help but sob-laugh. "And smoke way too much, so maybe you can come find me" he winked at me and I flushed realising how exciting that idea seemed, and for all the wrong reasons.   
"I'll wear this dress, it's low cut and black and Jack fucking hates it, says it's "too much"" I chimed in.   
"Yes. Wear that. So hard." He encouraged, and I giggled.  
"You're telling me that it wouldn't bother you me wearing that?"  
He rolled his eyes and smirked before leaning in close to me "it would bother me if you didn't."   
"Uhh" I moaned softly, amazed at how he was just handling me and us and the related mess so well. It gave me a feeling of safety among a minefield, and my blindfold was still very much intact unlike my lips, pressing against his knowing that loose lips sink relationships.   
Luckily, with Gerard, I felt like I could try to weather the storm and fend off enemy attacks. As best we could.


	8. Is This Real Life? Is This Just Fantasy?

I may have looked smoking (not through lack of effort- I had never put so much time into my appearance since I got married, and that wasn't even my own work) but I was a nervous wreck. I still hadn't left the bathroom and unveiled the dress I was choosing to wear to dear old husband, as I knew it wouldn't go down well. But at the same time, fuck that shit.   
I was half curling my hair and half applying mascara, something 'normal' girls might say is a bad choice, but seeing I was the microcosm of bad choices it's not like it was a surprise.   
As Andy and his now-wife were the alternative type, I delighted in being experimental with my makeup, having sourced on the internet and coveted this matt red eye shadow that framed my eyes like a goddamn phoenix, until even I was crushing on myself. I told myself it was empowering as it was all for me but it was glaringly obvious that I was competing with her, even though as Gerard constantly assured me- I didn't need to.   
I bypassed heels and opted for velvet Docs, because I may have wanted to look good but I hadn't had a brain transplant.  
"Stevie" I heard Jack call from downstairs and heaved a deep sigh, back to the bathroom door, looking up at the ceiling like there might be an answer written on there or a clue, or even a ladder so I could just climb out.   
"Yeah, two minutes" I called back, surprised when I heard my phone buzz loudly on the countertop. I warily picked it up, a notification from Gerard, a message that read-  
'I'll be thinking about you the whole time'   
It was a pleasant gesture but it only made me tense up more, and wonder whether Gerard felt the same. Was he texting me in his bathroom while Anna shouted to him to hurry? I wished I could call him, just hear his voice.   
"Stevie!"  
"Alright! Alright, I'm coming. God" I finally left the bathroom and swung into the spare bedroom where I'd left my bag, pausing to rifle through it and took two high strength painkillers for the headache that I swore I could feel coming, before grabbing my jacket and shrugging it on, not being able to focus on anything other than how sick I felt. Sick sick sick.   
It was made worse when Jack raised his eyebrows when he saw how I was dressed, opening his mouth and hesitating.   
"Yes?" I asked, squaring up to him with my hand on my hip.   
He paused before sighing and shaking his head "you had no other dresses to wear, huh?"   
"Did you?" I retorted before realising that sounded both ridiculous and childish.   
He rolled his eyes and moved past me "we need to get going, it's at the Crystal Ballroom so y'know, time."   
I glared at the back of him as he exited, wondering when I ever told him how to dress, but couldn't recall cos I DON'T DO THAT SHIT.   
Great, now I was both pissed and nervous, the combination we all know is an absolute winner, especially in social situations with a whole bunch of people you do know and even better- some you don't!   
My anxiety was almost acting as an opposing force and despite the faint chill I felt descending from the pills I took, I still needed to talk to him. I fished my phone out and checked it, realising I'd never messaged him back.   
'Me too. I'm wearing the dress and it's not making me feel any better'   
There was a long pause before the answer came as I counted the objects we passed in the car, and my mind drifted to him and her together, talking, sat close, kissing...  
'Hang in there.'   
I smiled faintly at that and didn't miss the glance that Jack gave as his attention momentarily wavered from the road. I looked at him and smiled faintly "Bet" I explained and he nodded, which technically wasn't a lie as I was messaging her at the same time, so wishing that I could tell her what was happening. He didn't seem completely certain and I didn't know whether to consider that positive or negative because the situation was just so fucked to begin with that I ended up feeling guilty no matter what happened.   
Sitting there next to him in the silence I very nearly blurted it out, have it be done with, stop the traffic and kick me out and I could ring Gerard to drop Anna and come and rescue me and we could run away together.   
In a perfect world. But do other people always have to get hurt?   
Unfortunately yes. They do.   
And tonight was my turn.  
Dusk was setting in as Jack parked the car and we made our way up to the entrance, hearing myself lie again saying I didn't fancy a drink but it was practically what I needed, never mind fancied. I wasn't making any sense because I was so nervous but Jack had clearly chalked it up to my anxiety that he was all too familiar with (but entirely not fond of) when I paused by the door, my heart pounding.  
He paused and gave me a knowing look and a salute "see you in there?"   
I nodded, smiling weakly and grasped my elbow with my opposing hand, breathing deeply, trying to center myself and focus on not looking insane for a hot minute.   
Unfortunately the edge wasn't quite knocked off for me and alcohol would only make me worse, which means I was going to become a human mess. Maybe if I curbed the alcohol and found another way to relax..  
I rifled through my bag a second to see if I had any Valium, but no such luck.   
As my luck would have it, I caught sight of my dealer who I was ridiculously excited to see.   
"Hey, Dan!" I called and he stopped and looked around confused a second before noticing me, clearly already off his tits himself. He excused himself from the crowd he was floating with and headed across to me, brandishing his fist which I touched with mine.  
"How's it going Stevie?" His eyes were as red as a rings of fire and it made me smile.   
"Yeah Dan, I'm okay. Actually, I'm really anxious at the moment and I dunno if you've got anything like uhh, valium?"   
He shrugged "yeah Steve, that's pretty standard stuff, but that doesn't mean I'm not concerned about what you just said" he narrowed his eyes at me.   
"Dude, I'm just surprised you're standing up" I chuckled and he nodded as if he agreed entirely with that statement.   
"Here, I've got two strong Valium left. Call it a gift. But don't do anything stupid" he raised his eyebrows to further instil his seriousness, causing me to smile in fondness as he squeezed my shoulder.   
"Thank you" I said sincerely as he smiled kindly and sought to rejoin his group (and probably source some alcohol).   
I peered at the tablet in my hand after pocketing the other in my jacket and pondered my decision. I already had stuff in my system and I knew it wasn't altogether wise to add a downer to it, but at the same time people pound alcohol like there's no tomorrow so what's the difference?   
I was just about to throw it into my mouth when I heard someone call my name. I came back to reality and looked up, seeing who else but Gerard. I still followed through as the bolt of tension that flashed through me just upon seeing him was enough to force my hand. I swallowed it dry and walked towards him, noticing he was alone and also dressed really nicely.  
He was wearing a black suit and a red tie and had pushed his hair back. He looked...wow.   
"You look amazing" he breathed, taking a step closer, making me look around for people.   
"It's okay, she's gone inside, I told her I had to speak to a special friend" he smiled sadly and bit his lip "I want to kiss you so badly. And I don't even think you know how good you look tonight"   
I shrugged like I didn't spent entirely too much time achieving the effect.   
"Even if I like you just as much in a t-shirt and my underwear" he murmered quietly and I blushed and smiled.   
"Thanks" I could feel my hands still shaking despite being face to face with him, as I knew the night was only going to get more eventful and the fact that we could speak face to face just made it harder.   
"Are you okay?" He asked gently, clearly noticing that I was under the influence of something but I could tell he wasn't sure what exactly.   
I nodded and smiled "I'm fine, Gee. Just fine"   
He stepped towards me again and groaned plaintively "we can hug, right?"   
"We can hug" I confirmed and let him take me into his arms for just a few seconds, wishing we could just stay like that or break away, join hands and walk away. But I couldn't and it hurt, so instead I said-   
"Go inside, Gee, it might look weird if we walk in together"   
He thought about this for a second before shrugging and taking my hand, pulling me towards the door.   
"Gerard!" I hissed, making him laugh and drop my hand.  
"It'll be more weird if I didn't walk in with the special friend" he smiled comfortingly at me. He glanced sideways at my the way Jack did as we pushed through the doors, but this look wasn't judgemental, it was worried.   
"Are you sure you're okay?" He asked quietly as we paused at the entrance of the ballroom.  
"I am, Gerard. I just want to be-" I started, but was promptly cut off by someone shouting his name. A familiar voice.   
Gerard turned and waved, giving a 'one moment' signal before turning back to me.  
"Go" I said, smiling and he looked at me intensely before winking and ducking into the room, hearing a different voice say his name this time. A very familiar one.   
My suspicions were confirmed and I spotted Gerard standing with a few guys. One of whom was my husband. Fuck. Fuck. And fuck.   
"Stevie" Jack waved me over and I approached, noticing Gerard's face fall so hard I thought it was going to fall off.   
Jack put his arm around me and gestured to Gerard "this is Gerard, we know each other from way back, this guy is amazing".  
"O-oh.." I began, completely freezing as Gerard stared straight at his feet. "We're...high school friends. I never knew.." I muttered, really trying to keep my cool, the Valium doing a number on me and weakening my ability to think on my feet.   
Gerard noticed and chimed in, despite looking like he wanted to die a little bit. "How come you never went by that name when I knew you?" He asked casually, but looking sheepish.   
Jack shrugged "I really wanted a nickname but it made me sound like a dork so I ditched it when I met this little lady" he smiled down at me and I returned it weakly, sneaking a glance at Gerard who was biting his lip hard and giving the most pained smile I'd ever seen.   
"Anyway, I uhh, need the bathroom all of a sudden so I'll leave you boys to it, eh?" I backed away and smiled at the other two guys they were standing with, thanking fuck they weren't somehow tied up in this as well. At this point they bloody well could be.  
I sighed frustratedly as I headed straight for the side exit onto the patio, relieved when I realised no one else had headed out yet. I knew it was rude but at this point my head was in such a mess that I couldn't pretend to be friendly to strangers as well as deal with the shit storm between my ears.   
So, Jack and Gerard knew each other. Would that prompt Gerard to end it between us? I mean, the look in his eyes when he told me loved me wasn't something I could question, but it didn't make things any easier, including how hurt Jack would be when he knew I was fucking his friend so much that I had to take UTI treatment. I shuddered at that thought and lit up a cigarette, trying to focus on just smoking for a few moments to calm down.   
"Y'alright?" Came a voice, surprising me so much I dropped ash on my dress, dusting it off and looking up.  
"Oh sorry! At least you're wearing black!"  
I managed a pathetic laugh as I looked up at a girl who seemed a similar age, as far as I could tell. She seemed vaguely familiar and I dearly hoped that she didn't expect me to remember her name.   
"You're looking fly, though" she smiled awkwardly and I couldn't help but laugh. The company of a woman was actually a relief.   
"Thank you! It took me like, two hours. I like your dress too" I replied, admiring her green dress which complimented her red hair.   
"Thanks" she smiled and I customarily offered a cigarette, helping her light up.  
There was a moment of comfortable silence before we both started talking at the same time, until she giggled and gestured for me to go first.  
"Truthfully, I don't even wanna be here" I groaned and she smiled reassuringly.  
"Girl, same. I'm a guest by proxy"  
"By proxy" I repeated, laughing. "Me too. I wish I'd bought some weed but to be fair, I'm a bit tweaked with Valium" I sighed and rested against the wall.  
"Where did you get that?" She raised an eyebrow "and do you have any more?"  
I couldn't stop myself from laughing again. This girl was funny.   
I fished in my bag and dropped it into her hand, her face lighting up. "Thanks!"   
"It's cool, I was gifted them anyway"   
"Who the fuck do you know that gifts you Valium...and can I have their number?" She smirked with a glint in her eye.  
"Well, he's my dealer so, customer loyalty" I winked and clicked my tongue.  
"Is he here?"  
I nodded.  
"What does he look like?"   
"I mean, I know this sounds stupid but he looks so much like a dealer that he may as well walk around with it written on his face." I snorted.  
"Oh my God, I know exactly who you mean" she face-palmed as if it had taken her way too long to realise. I couldn't help but laugh cos man, he really did look like a dealer.   
"It's nice to meet you, anyway" I smiled "a pleasant conversation is the best way to start an obligatory event. I'm Stevie"  
She shook my hand (adorably). "Anna"   
Hmm. Anna. What did that ring a bell in my drugged head? Was it because...oh. oh, fuck.  
"So w-who'd you come with?" I lit up another cigarette as I needed a screen if my suspicion was about to be confirmed.   
"My boyfriend...well, I think he is, he's been acting a bit distant but I kinda like him so I dunno. That was probably too much information" she laughed embarrassedly and blushed.   
Try not enough.  
"Tell me his name, I might know him" I asked from behind my smoke screen.   
"Gerard Way?"   
Oh, no.   
I must have been silent for too long as she nudged my foot with hers "do ya?"  
"Umm, yeah I do. From school, anyway" I felt so sick, I genuinely couldn't imagine how this night could get any worse. Guilt on top of guilt now, and this was a perfectly nice girl.   
I knew I wasn't.  
"Oh cool. Is he always like, a bit standoffish?" She asked curiously, playing with her hair.  
No. Not with me. Not ever. "Yeah, I guess, a bit"   
"Oh, okay. Thanks" she smiled genuinely "I'm gonna get a drink, are you coming or..?"  
"I'll catch you up" I murmered and she nodded and walked back off into the venue.   
I didn't know what to make of anything other than the overwhelming sense of how fucked up this was becoming. What had started out as an innocent meeting between two old friends had now turned into something sour. I stayed rotating nervously with my arms around me for what must have been a while, as I heard the familiar sounds of a party getting started but I couldn't move my feet, my arms or think sense. In fact, my vision was starting to narrow a little and I stumbled, catching myself against the wall. This was all getting too much and yet I knew I had to go into the party, when I'd rather set fire to it.   
I begrudgingly made my way back in, throwing my jacket on the back of a chair and spotted Jack at the bar, moving towards him through the crowd, relieved he didn't seem to be standing with Gerard.   
I tapped him on the shoulder and he turned to me "hey Stevie, do you want a drink?"   
I hesitated, fully intending to say no, but my mouth opened and I had a gin and tonic in my hand before I even realised what I'd done.  
Things started to get a little fuzzy after that, but fuzzy in a good warm way that made me feel a little more like I could dance despite probably bumping into Gerard again. My friend Bet appeared from nowhere and pulled me towards her, leaving me laughing and looking bewildered "where the fuck did you come from?" I grinned at my friend, her bleach blonde hair like a beacon in a ballroom full of moving bodies and dancing lights.   
"I just got here, glad to see you but need to tell you something" she said loud enough for me to hear but nobody else.   
"Ooh, drama" I joked, noticing her roll her eyes.  
"I'd find this funny if I didn't have to- anyway, Ste, Jack asked me if you stayed the other night"  
Even in my fluffy numbed state I still felt an ounce of panic "Did...did you cover for me?"   
"Of course. But what gives?" She raised an eyebrow.  
I paused as I tried to think of an acceptable answer and she clipped me around the ear, making me flinch.   
"Stevie! Is it something to do with a certain someone who you know and happens to be back in town and in this very room?" She challenged, hand on hip. I knew she meant business when she did that.   
I hung my head a second, unable to come up with a convincing lie without a hugely revealing silence. "Bet, I..." I started, but she cut me off.  
"Look Stevie, I know you. You're not a bad person, and I know you and Jack aren't in the best place" she held my face and searched it, probably noticing my red and misty eyes. At least she must have done with the look of concern that crossed her face. "Nobody else knows what's in your head apart from you. I trust you, and I'm here if you need me"   
I felt myself well up a little, wrapping my arms around her. She was the best friend I could have asked for and it made me feel like I had someone on my side. The only other person in that position at that point was Gerard. Gerard who watched me from the edge of the dancefloor as he stood with Anna talking to Andy.   
Bet was encouraging me, freaking out that she'd managed to convince the DJ to play 'Jump Around' as she heard the opening bars.   
I glared at her a second, unable to decide whether I wanted to throw myself around a bit and have fun or shrink away into the shadows. I concluded that I couldn't possibly say no to Bet who had legitimately started doing 'gansta arms' at me and remarking on how many people had joined the dancefloor.  
She was right. Fuck it.   
Of course we knew every word and shouted them out verbatim with a chorus of others, having vivid memories of dancing to that very song in the club when I was younger. I couldn't resist it, singing along and letting Bet pull me across the dance floor, bringing back some of our old moves as we entertained the guests on the dancefloor next to us, including Dan who looked like he was having the time of his life. Or trip, I wasn't sure and I didn't care as we literally jumped around, turning and catching sight of Gerard. I may have been under the influence but it was an unmistakeable. He looked at me with a mixture of amusement and affection and winked at me.   
God, he drove me crazy. I beckoned him over and he looked around for a second and paused before shucking his suit jacket and climbing onto the dance floor.   
I fought the urge to take him in my arms so instead I just danced with him, noticing how much he lit up as he pulled out some questionable moves that only made me love him more. I noticed the song drawing to a close and took the opportunity to, after looking around, whisper "nice moves" in his ear.   
He looked at me and laughed as the song faded out, but the look was replaced by awe as the opening to Bohemian Rhapsody started. "Oh, HELL yeah" he grinned at me, sliding his tie down and looking around laughing at how many people had also joined in the song, a beacon of beauty and connectedness on the dance floor as we all came together. It was already a thing for me and Gerard as we learnt every word to compete with each other at school and instead just fell in love with the song.   
It felt surreal that not only did we manage to end up on the dance floor together, it almost felt like we were the only ones, singing along with each other and throwing in an old dance move or two.   
I knew I should probably look around and see if anyone was watching but at the point I really couldn't have cared less. At all.   
Someone had pushed from behind as they had started going full on dance floor mode and took out nearly everyone in his path, causing Gerard to stumble and I couldn't help it as I caught his arms and balanced his body against mine, letting it linger for a moment before straightening him back up.   
He stared at me a second before smiling faintly and subtly squeezing my hand.   
After we had finished singing our hearts out, I was sweating and I didn't want to push my luck by continuosly dancing with him, so I mouthed 'bathroom' at him over the din and he nodded, gesturing as if he was going to the bar. I gave him a sly wink as we parted, hoping it wasn't for the last time that night. 

We were about halfway through the night and I had settled at a table people watching with Bet, who was openly staring at me waiting for me to look.  
"What, Bet?" I eventually laughed and she smiled slyly at me.  
"You really like that guy don't you?" She said, chin in her hand looking dreamy like she was talking about Romeo and Juliet. Little did she know, this story was far more dirty.  
I nodded silently and took a sip of gin, sighing deeply.   
"Have you...been with him? Recently?" She phrased carefully, playing with her straw but paying complete attention to me. Normally I'd accuse her of being nosey but it was big news when your best friend had maybe found (or reunited with in my case) their meant-to-be, if that's even a thing.   
I nodded again and she gasped, the sound punching me in the stomach, reminded of how vile I was.   
"I love him" I said simply, almost too quiet for her to hear. But she did, her eyes glistening in the coloured lights.   
"Aww" she replied simply. "But it's not gonna be easy.." she saw my face fall as she said that and added "but nothing worth having is ever easy to get"  
I was welling up myself, looking down at the table so was incredibly grateful when she giggled and said "I mean I have no idea why, you have weird taste"   
I laughed and flicked her "you must be fuckin' blind'" I retorted, her following my eyes as I picked him out in the room straight away "I mean, look at him." I groaned, watching him waving his hands around as he told his friend something.  
"Is that sign language?" She queried playfully and I couldn't help but burst into hysterical laughter, which only increased in decibels when she jumped, holding her hand over her heart, shocked. She managed to keep a straight face when she had me in stitches and it always had this effect on me.   
"What?" She asked innocently, starting to make random signs with her hands as he did, and I spluttered and put my head on the table, laughing into my forearms.   
She was whispering 'what?' into my ear and I just kept laughing.   
Suddenly, I felt a hand on my back and a voice "is she okay?"   
I looked up to see Bet looking stunned, gazing up at who else but Gerard, who must have seen me with my head on a table and my friend whispering in my ear and assumed.   
I looked up at him, taking a breath, my face probably red as hell "I'm okay, Gee" I said, noticing his face twitch at the nickname, but I was past caring.   
He looked relieved and glanced at Bet who was blatantly staring at him, probably trying to figure out why I loved him so dearly.   
"Hey, I'm Bet, I was just making my girl laugh" she stuck her hand out and Gerard shook it, smiling unsurely at me.  
"Nice to meet you" he finally moved his hand off my back as he knew leaving it there longer increased the chances of someone noticing.   
"She could probably use a cigarette though?" Bet nudged me as I currently wasn't speaking or reacting, just frozen in time.   
"Yeah?" He asked, looking to me.  
After a pause, I nodded and squeezed Bet's hand, unsteadily pushing my chair out and nodding for him to lead the way.  
I followed him out of the building via the way I had gone to smoke before, but followed the path around until we were out of sight of everyone.   
As we came to a stop, I was expecting him to push me against the wall and rut his crotch into my thigh or suck on my neck and run his hand up my leg. Instead he stood in front of me and touched my arm, seemingly at a loss for words. I tried to gauge by looking at him and smelling the air around us to figure out whether he was drunk or high, but smelling nothing but beer and cigarette smoke, and he seemed to have his wits about him, which was more than I could say for myself.   
I realised it had been a moment of a silence when it was broken by the beautiful man standing before me, sweaty and dark and sultry. "Stevie... I'm sorry, I thought you were crying and I worried, I don't like seeing you like that"   
"It's okay. It's been a weird night and I feel like...semi fucked right now" I admitted, running my hand though my hair.  
"Preach," he murmured "as long as you're okay". He stabilised himself with a hand against the wall and looked me up and down with a weird smile on his face.   
"Wh-what, you freak?" I laughed weakly and he snorted.  
"You look so nice. Like, really"   
I blushed furiously "well, you told me to wear it"   
My fingers slid along his tie which he had loosened and unbuttoned his collar, his delicate pale skin peeking through, the image of sucking on his pulse making my lips throb desperately.  
"Come here" he whispered, and I didn't know if he was trying to be seductive but it came off as such, his wet lips beckoning me closer until I found myself lightly pressing my body against his, looking up at him, my lips trembling as I slowly reached up, his eyes drifting shut as he leaned down to meet me, sighing as his soft lips pressed against mine, kissing me in a way that could be described as careful but indulgent, almost cautious.   
"We shouldn't" I whispered, my body telling me the exact opposite.   
"I'm not doing anything..." He murmered, gently raising a wrist above my head against the wall and pinning me to it. I didn't tell him to stop despite the risk, as the risk only made the moment even more erotic, especially as my I bucked my hips forward to rub against his dick.   
He released my wrist and held my face, leaning down, lips about to touch...  
"Gerard." I heard bluntly and we couldn't possibly have sprung apart any faster.   
I turned to see Anna with her hand on her hip, looking more irritated than angry and heartbroken.   
"Anna.." was all he managed, stepping towards her. She held up a hand and he stopped abruptly.   
"You" she pointed at me "disappointed me, but you didn't know who I was when you met me, did you?"   
I shook my head regretfully, praying she wasn't going to tell anyone.   
"But that doesn't mean that you can cheat on your husband"   
I blushed a scarlet colour and hung my head, unable to respond to that with anything at all that didn't sound like an excuse, and a weak one.   
"But.." my respect for her was quite sizeable considering the awful situation we were in. "The way you look at him just tells me everything I needed to know. You're not childhood friends, you're more than that. Anyone who looked for long enough could see that. Which is why you need to be careful, that Jack guy has connections to both of you" she warned.   
"And you-" she turned to Gerard "don't you think I realise a guy doesn't like me when he sleeps with me once- badly-" (Gerard physically winced at that) "and then avoids me like the plague ever since. I honestly thought you were gay"   
I caught myself before I snorted with laughter, because she called it and I couldn't blame her for her frustration.  
"I..." I started and she looked at me "if it helps I think you're really cool"   
Gerard looked at me incredulously and I rolled my eyes.  
"I am cool. Too cool for this shit" she nodded, decidedly, making to leave before stopping and looking at me whose face was begging her not to tell. "and I'm not going to say anything, but if you carry on like this you're gonna get caught so... start thinking" she said before looking at me first and then Gerard, who looked relieved but stressed simultaneously.  
"I hope you're happy" she said in a way that sounded genuine but I wasn't sure, and I couldn't blame her for anything she had said to us at all.  
"And if you're gonna divorce your husband, let me know. He's kinda cute" she added, almost as an afterthought before pausing and turning away, stalking off into the night.   
I was practically holding my breath, not daring to move, but I didn't need to, Gerard holding my arm and turning me into him, kissing me. I smiled against his lips and kissed him back for a moment or two before regretfully pulling away to just look at each other.   
"I'm sorry, Stevie" he sighed, running his hand through his hair.  
"Gee, we knew this wasn't going to be without its problems" I reminded him softly.  
"I know that" he returned quickly "it's you that I worry about"  
I frowned at him, confused by his statement and the interpretation my mind had garnered from it, as if I was a flight risk or a loose cannon.   
"Why are you worried about me? I started this, started...us"   
"Because I know it's going to be hard for you and...I dunno, I don't want you to change your mind about me" he admitted, staring down at his feet.  
My heart ached. That fact that he had any doubt about how much I loved him bothered me. How could I feel anything other than undying love seemed mythical and jarring.  
"You're crazy" I whispered, noticing suddenly how quiet it was where we were stood, the moon full and casting a mystic, calming glow which reflected off the damp pavements from where it had been raining, the fresh and musty smell of precipitation lingering around us.   
"Do you want to go?"   
His whole demeanor had changed, looking at me like he didn't want to waste another minute at the ballroom.   
I nodded lightly, smiling up at him, not able to think about anything other than the present moment.  
"Shit..my jacket's inside.." he murmered, looking around as if half expecting it to appear out of thin air.   
"Gee.." I caught his attention and he gazed at me "I'll text Jack, you stay another fifteen minutes and come and meet me where I tell you to"   
He looked confused for a second but eventually simply nodded, trusting every word and intention I may have.  
"Okay, baby" his lips twitched as he stared at me a few moments more before turning and gliding off towards the building, giving me Bruce Wayne vibes that I would remember when the occasion called for it.   
After tapping out a message to Jack saying I was going home and to enjoy the hotel room, I sent one to Gerard telling him where to meet me. But I bet deep down, he knew.  
It was a special place to us and we had some talking to do.


	9. That Night - Part 1

I was considering whether my choice of destination might seem a little uber-romantic, hence- not me, but he had me feeling ways that I didn't even know how to understand. With Jack it wasn't ever like this. No restaurant dates except with in laws or my parents (on the rare occasion that they were in town).  
God, I'm sure they'd want to see Gerard too. My dad had always loved him as they had music and comics in common (my mum chalked my dad's comic obsession down to a midlife crisis but I always hated that assumption) and my mum adored his social attitude, and he always knew what to say and how to bend her will to have me out longer, or to stay over like bargaining chips. Little did she know that the polite young man she gave coffee to and sat beside waited approximately fifteen minutes before he banged my brains out after they'd left, not being able to wait for anything as he told me I was tight as he panted and gripped my hips, clutching the sides of the chair I used to study, for shame.  
I smiled as I reminisced, noticing the dirtiest memories were the ones that were being displayed in my brain cinema on repeat, especially as we'd been kept apart all night, near enough.  
I couldn't help but wonder what he'd be like as a serious boyfriend. I mean, if I was ceasing a marriage to be with him, it must be implied that my intentions regarding him were serious. Or did it simply mean I didn't want to be married to Jack?   
After a cigarette, I wandered in to the restaurant I'd asked Gerard to meet me at. After getting a message that he was on his way I ordered a Pepsi to try and, I dunno, break up the alcohol a little, as well as to pound through whatever sounded the tastiest on the menu.  
I stirred my drink and let my mind wander. I knew that when I was with him I felt a way I'd only ever felt before with him, and I knew that wouldn't disappear if we were to unite, as we'd had chemistry since day one when I laughed at him walking into a wall and thinking he looked adorable when he grumbled and stalked off. It was a talent that few had, and he was one.   
The thought of dating him and revisiting the arcade and the beach and the fucking cemetery (a place we used to like to drink) made me giddy with excitement. I was struggling to find any cons as far as our relationship was concerned...but I knew I had some issues and it seemed like he might as well, and I didn't want either of us to be damaged by something that could potentially go wrong. But can't everything potentially go wrong? Do you just stop doing everything in case something fails? No. Of course you don't.   
A flash of black at the doorway caught my attention and I admired him as he walked in, catching my eye and looking around as if to say 'look where we are', smiling as he took a seat opposite me.   
"Hey" I said softly, stretching my hand out onto the table and he slid his onto it without missing a beat.  
"Hey, gorgeous" his eyes sparkled and he didn't seem inebriated, weird considering we'd been at a reception- the event that embodied drink and bad dancing and more often than not, cocaine.  
"How are you so sober?" I asked, rubbing my head to make a point, deciding to pop a painkiller, and he watched every move I made, distracted when the waitress came by to take his drink order.   
"Can I get some coffee?" He enquired and looked particularly pleased when she said yes, almost as if he was surprised.   
"Y'know, I normally wouldn't be" he stroked my hand with his thumb "I really really wouldn't. But I knew you were there and I wanted to be ready for anything that might happen...with us.."   
My body tingled and my heart thumped, feeling my face go hot. "that's...that's really sweet"   
"It's just true. Though I do think I need to explain how I know Jack" he said, eyes following the cup as the waitress put it down in front of him, looking at it like he needed it to survive or something. Maybe he was replacing alcohol with it?  
I shook the thought away and nodded "you could" I murmered and he raised an eyebrow, gently questioning.  
"Well I guess the question is- do you still want to be with me now you know you know my husband?"   
His mouth dropped open as if I asked the craziest question since time began, and I waved my hands.  
"Exactly. Then I don't care"   
He closed his mouth and looked at me adoringly "Good."   
We were quiet for a few moments as we scanned the menu and gave our orders as Gerard practically made love to his coffee.   
I needed something feel good, gluttonous, something I'd remember with a grin when I recalled as an older woman how we finally got our date at the restaurant we were meant to go to the day before he left for university, but I was so sick I couldn't get out of bed. I was so upset I cried for an age, despite his insistence that we would go there again as soon as we could, which of course never happened. Until now.  
There we were, fingers entwined looking a little worse for wear but otherwise well turned out. My hair, instead of being down and blowing in my face, I had wrapped it up with a bandana that I carried everywhere with me, because true to form, I would never be a hundred percent perfect. I didn't even know the meaning of the word.   
Me and Gerard happily scarfed down a basket of bread, our semi-inebriated minds craving carbs and stodge.   
"Stevie, this is not what I expected from this night" he chuckled, but looking more than happy about it.  
"Me neither" I smiled shyly, sipping my drink "why, are you disappointed?" I teased, but self consciously, knowing that I always wanted to please the person I was with and was permanently worried about doing the exact opposite. I felt the pressure less with him, but it was still there, hanging around in the background like a bad smell or a stain that won't completely budge no matter how many times you scrub it.   
"I couldn't be more happy. I was expecting awkwardness and drama and sure, it had parts of that but it's now-" he checked his watch "11pm and I'm finally fulfilling a promise I made to my best friend"  
My eyes glistened and the familiar prickling sting behind my eyes started, hurriedly grabbing a napkin and dabbing my eyes as the server had returned to us, Gerard kindly telling me to order whatever I thought he'd like, and that he trusted me.  
The server was a pretty young girl with a slight figure and shy, retiring aura, though I knew better than to judge people so quickly. She paused and lingered a second, drifting her fingers along the table top, and Gerard looked over at me with a questioning yet amused look on his face.   
Eventually, she spoke and her voice was soft and quiet and I almost missed it when she said.  
"What's your secret? You seem so happy?"   
It looked like it was a lot of effort for her to communicate even that, so I decided reply. At least until I realised I didn't know what to say.  
"Umm.." I started, my voice breaking and going whispery, gazing across at Gerard, who, after a beat, opened his mouth.  
"There is no secret. It's just love. If it's messy but it feels right, or it's tough but it's worth fighting for then, well, you won't need to worry about anything else, it all comes together"   
The words flowed beautifully from his lips, and even though what he said was mildly exposing, I was too taken aback to hear him say something so intense but simple.   
The young girl obviously thought the same as she nodded slowly and smiled, looking to me and back to him, looking like a light had switched on in her head somehow. Her smile grew a little before she bounced and nodded, prancing off towards the kitchen.  
"I think that girl just had a come to Jesus moment" I remarked, making him laugh adorably, looking kind of brand new for someone with a crooked tie and messy hair.  
"Seems like she knows who her Stevie is. Or her Gerard, I, you, you know what I mean" he garbled, even cuter when he couldn't get his words out.   
"So, you want to be with me, then?" I asked, skipping the pleasantries as I knew my mind wouldn't rest until I did just that.   
He opened his mouth but was interrupted as our food came, both the timing and the food impressing me, sitting there opposite Gerard practically inhaling my spaghetti, almost forgetting I'd asked him 'the' question, looking up to see him watching me again, munching on his fancy burger that just looked like a burger. He paused with his mouth full before swallowing.   
"In answer to your question that got so rudely interrupted by what is possibly one of the nicest burgers I've ever shoved in my mouth, yes" he beamed, noticing I'd finished my food. It was a telling sign for me to eat well around others because I was a famously nervous eater with a weak stomach (something I always attributed to my anxiety), but I didn't feel any of that, or even acknowledge it, just feeling kinda...right.   
"You must have been hungry" his foot nudged mine under the table.  
"Mmm yeah, I'm always hungry after, y'know dancing and drinking. Are you horny?" I said, the last statement both a question and a uttered in a hushed tone, interpreting his contact as a physical precursor to hot and sweaty sex.   
He look mildly alarmed before laughing suddenly and squeezing my hand before leaning in, following suit and feeling his breath on my face "Stevie. I'm a man. I'm literally always horny" he whispered and I laughed loudly, covering my mouth as I tried to reign it in, realising how much fun I was having with him.   
"But..." He began, brushing his thumb across the back of my hand slowly and deliciously "honestly, the only thing I'm thinking about is how much I enjoy being with you. If you take away everything else then this is just two people who are in love on a date, and maybe we should view it that way, just for tonight?" His head tilted to the side and I mirrored his action, except to the other side, smiling coyly before taking his chin lightly between my fingers and leaning forwards to kiss him, feeling him rise a little in his seat to kiss me back, clearly apathetic about anyone else's opinion, but it figured that everyone else seated that late was probably drunk or partied out anyway.   
We indulged for a few moments before sitting back down slowly, running my fingers up his arm, where he'd rolled up his sleeves which I always found very endearing (on certain people) and across his milky skin.   
"Well" I breathed "I don't know about you but that made me feel a whole lot better. Well, that and the company"   
"Me too, what started out as a nightmare actually ended a little like a dream" he smiled contentedly and pulled some bills from his wallet to cover the check, refusing to let me pay with a sly "I'm a feminist, but doesn't that mean equal? You can get the next one"  
I couldn't help but giggle, which is never normally a sound I would make, but I just felt so light and loved and joyful that I didn't suppress my emotions because they were valid and very potent. I adored him, the colour of his eyes, his quaint button nose and crooked smile. I told him so as I threw my arms around him as we stood outside lighting up, trying not to burn him as I clutched him, holding on for dear life.   
Eventually, burning sticks proved a tricky distraction so we parted but stood close, an air of tension between us despite the fact that we'd seen all of and done a lot to each other. He just excited me relentlessly, like a phase that never passed.   
"So..." He started, running a hand down my back "it's late, I'm guessing you're tired?" His face read to me as hope that I would state the opposite and of course, I did.  
"Nope. Though I do have a headache so I could do with a puff or two, if you wanna join me?" I twisted my foot shyly on the ground, glancing at a cab that pulled up and let someone out. He followed my gaze and grabbed my hand, tugging me over to the cab.  
"You free, buddy?"   
The driver nodded "where ya going?"   
We looked at each other for a moment, weighing up our options. The treehouse would be fun but the idea of a big soft sofa and TV appealed to me more. The domesticated nature of that thought sent my head spinning and Gerard, knowing he wasn't getting an answer any time soon as I twisted my lips and considered, so he pulled me into the car and gave the driver his address, looking at me and squeezing my hand "is that okay, baby?"   
God, it might be considered cheesy by some but I loved it when he called me that. It just felt so right, grinning and nodding, feeling him curl his arm around my shoulders and pull me as close as he could, seatbelts be damned.   
He may have seemed slim but he was still tall (especially in comparison to me at five foot three), and even though he was sometimes effeminate (yet another quirk of his that I adored) but he was very much a man, his hands sizing out mine by a fair amount as his fingers curled around mine, noticing we both had callouses and less-than-perfect nails from our eager application of all things creative (or in my case, as much as my limited inspiration allowed me to). His dark hair was no longer slicked back but tousled and feathered around his face and shoulders, and I allowed myself a little touch, rubbing my fingertips through his surprisingly soft locks.   
He hummed appreciatively and leaned into my touch "that's nice" he purred softly, his tone making me stir down south, shifting a little on the car seat towards him.   
"I'm kinda gross from tonight" he murmered into my ear and I shifted back a little, feeling his arm pull me back into him "what I meant was...you remember when we were covered in paint that summer, and the only way we could think to get it off.."   
"A bath?" I bristled, the idea of getting into a hot tub with the sexiest guy ever, steamy and comfortable, uhhh, yes.   
"No?" He asked, smiling down at me cheekily as we pulled up to his house and he stepped out and helped me, tipping the driver and doing his cute polite wave as he drove away.   
"Yes" I said, and he looked mildly confused until his brain caught up.   
"And I've got Mary Jane, my second favourite girl" he joked, struggling to open the door with my arms around his waist but seemingly not bothered.   
He put me on the sofa with a blunt and an ashtray as he drifted to the bathroom, hearing the familiar sound of running water. I was a little nervous so I took long drags, moaning softly at how good his gear was, the cloud spreading through my brain and hugging me on the inside.   
He cleared his throat from the doorway and I looked around, seeing the amused look on his face "it's good shit, right?"   
I nodded, feeling the blood rise to my face, suddenly itching to peel my tight dress off and just submerge. He fixed us a drink and said he'd call me when it was ready, trying to figure out in my head how I'd found a man that actually did shit like this.   
I tucked my feet under my thighs on the sofa and tried to stop my mind from wandering, deciding it would be wise to check my phone. There wasn't one message from Jack. Not one. I tensed as I knew I didn't deserve one but as far as he knew we were fine so why would he not check up on me?   
I seethed as much as the weed allowed me to, shoving my phone back in my bag.   
If Jack didn't care, that only made me feel more determined and entitled.   
Thankfully, Gerard called me at that moment and I let the angst drop around my feet as I got up and followed his voice, warmed instantly by the steamy room and the bathtub which was filled with bubbles and twinkling candles reflected in the water. He must have been planning this for some time because it was organised, and my heart could hardly take it.   
"Oh, Gerard" I breathed, reaching out to him who was stood by the sink.   
"Mm, I like it when you say my name like that" he breathed into my ear, his fingers reaching up my back to tease the zip down, bracing myself against him as he slid it down my back, the friction against my spine making me shudder uncontrollably.   
"Ohh" he murmered, clearly trying to tease me and turn me on. It was working, super effectively.   
"Fuck, Gerard" I whispered, reaching up to shakily unbutton his shirt, his tie already on the floor. I spread my fingers across his skin and he hummed, starting to push my dress down my hips, suddenly dropping with it to his knees and looking up submissively at me as he helped me step out of it, folding it and moving it off to the side, turning his attention to my underwear, giving me another sneaky look before starting to kiss softly along my pantyline, his fingers sliding under the material that sat on my hips. He was being so soft and gentle and teasing that he practically had me melting. It was only made better by the fact that he wasn't saying a damn thing, just letting his hands and lips do the talking for him.   
After a moment I opened my eyes and looked down to see that he'd stopped and paused a second before sliding them off completely and I stepped out of them, running my hands down his back as he stood, sliding them all the way into his boxers and down to his feet. He was semi-hard, but this moment felt more like intimacy than sex. Not that I would have said no.   
I pulled off my strapless bra that I wore especially for the dress, Gerard remarked calling it a 'contraption' and querying why couldn't men have things like that. I was grinning as he said this, motioning for him to go first. He hesitated.  
"You're not gonna like, push me and lock the door and leave me to drown are you?" He was adorable when he was high, he just said exactly what he was thinking and it was endless entertainment for me.   
"Damn, you sussed me out" I rolled my eyes as he lowered himself into the water, the bubbles rising with the water and covering his chest.   
"I never do this, and I have no idea why" he sighed contently, pushing his hair back, wetting it and blowing the beads of water that ran down his forehead, reaching out to me. "As much as I would love for you to stand there naked forever.."   
I manouvered around him and blew the bubbles at him as I settled on the opposing end, rubbing my legs against his "mm, this is nice" I sighed, relaxing back and carefully picking the joint up off the floor and lighting it in my mouth. "We need to smoke more or this because you say funny shit when you're high" I tittered and he laughed out loud.  
"Sure!" I was hypnotized by him inhaling, wondering how someone could make inhaling smoke look attractive, and his lithe neck as he tilted his head back to blow the smoke into the air above us, mingling with the steam to create a scene that set one of the occasions I ever remembered feeling happy and content.   
"You look happy" he pointed out, stroking my thigh with the fingers of his free hand as he went to town indulging in the potent smoke, his eyes tinted red and his body relaxing around mine.  
"I am. I finally got to got on my dream date that was postponed for way too long, and in a situation where I would have ended up miserable in a hotel bed waiting until I could leave, I'm in a fucking bath with the love of my life smoking the good stuff"   
His eyes sparkled, handing the joint back to me "love of your life?"   
I rushed to blow out the smoke to say "yes. Of course you are!"  
"No one's ever said that to me before" he murmered, looking down "I feel like I might cry"   
"Me too" I responded quietly and he looked up, expecting me to be welling up.  
"You don't look- ohh.." it occurred to him that I was referring to his first comment. "But, but you're.. "   
"I know. But he still never said it."   
"...did you?"   
I thought about this for a moment, and with the realization of how alien those words felt when I said them to Gerard that no, I'd never said that before to anyone.   
"Just you"   
"Man. I want to boyfriend you so hard, and I can't. It sucks" he whispered and I leaned forwards in the bath to gently take his chin in my hand, pressing my lips against his, feeling his tongue slide out and met it with mine, getting his hair even wetter with my soapy hands.   
"I know, Gee, I know" I was close to crying myself now. "And we will. This isn't an affair, this is...what I want"   
"Good. And I'll help you as much as I can. I just know that your part will be harder than mine so I will supply you with endless ice cream and hot water bottles".  
I laughed loudly "I'm getting a divorce, not my period, Gerard"   
He went bright red "I know. I just know you like ice cream"   
"You're such a weirdo" I giggled, shifting so I could sit in his lap, the still-warm water lilting and waving around us and the steam still drifting like a blanket above us.   
"You too" I heard him say, resting his cheek on my head.   
"You too."


	10. That Night- Part 2

There was something about the aftermath of stewing in hot water that gave me a euphoric feeling as I was curled up against Gerard on his sofa feeling like I'd melted into him, wearing one of his t-shirts and he had his boxers on and his bare arms were encasing me as we talked idly.   
"You're going to live in that tub now, aren't you? I teased, sipping the cocoa he'd made me.   
"I'm thinking about it"   
"If it wasn't the exact opposite of eco-friendly I'd live in one too" I admitted, yet another aspect of my personality that clashed with Jack's. We often had arguments about recycling and gas guzzling estate cars that he loved and I hated with a passion.   
"You're inspiring, y'know" he said, simply like stating a fact. I was unsure if he was being sincere as this wasn't something anyone had ever said to me.   
"Me?" I scoffed and let our a strangled noise as he squeezed me round the waist.  
"Yes. You."   
"You are." I replied truthfully and he scoffed this time, and I set down my now empty mug and turn around on the sofa, comfortably straddling his hips. He looked good enough to eat, and I told him just that.  
He raised an eyebrow comically "I'd be freaked out if I weren't turned on"   
I smirked and tucked his hair behind his ears, enjoying the intimate moment, as I knew they would be the ones I would remember. "Your house is very comfortable, and lived in. I love seeing your pencils and liners in random places where pencils and liners shouldn't be" I looked down at the sofa perchance there was one laying lonely besides us on the seat. But no.   
"I would've tidied but-" he began, seeing him beginning to repeat the social construct buzz term in apologizing to me for nothing.  
"Shut up" I smiled, squeezing his shoulders "I love it here. And in our treehouse"   
He grinned "yeah, that's pretty special. It's been so weird this week for me, I haven't been able to stop thinking about you" he revealed, his honesty giving me hope for the future.   
"You know all the right things to say to get into a girls pants don't you, Gee?" I teased and he rolled his eyes but couldn't stop his lips from twitching, repressing a smirk.   
"Stevie. I know you still see as us friends but I want to be more than that to you. I want to be your lover. I want you to take me seriously as I take you in a slow deep way that has you gasping.." he was using every sexy mouth related thing he could, whispering and licking his lips, nibbling at them. He could easily kill me without even touching me.   
"Fuck" I murmered, staring at his lips, transfixed as he talked. "That sounds amazing"   
"Will you let me do that?" He whispered and nuzzled into my neck, pulling my shirt up so our skin could touch, sparks jolting though me as his thumbs gently circled my nipples in a way that could be described as infuriating.   
I moaned restlessly at the way he was touching me and the skin contact coupled with the fact that this was the longest we'd been in this position or state of undress without having sex. And I liked it. It gave a feeling of closeness that I'd not felt in a long time, if ever. I must have been wet, and I knew my heart rate was high, and he knew too, but he seemed content with letting me get increasingly horny and touchy-feely.   
"Are you gonna fuck me or not?" I sighed, tilting his head to the side by his hair and kissing his neck.   
"Mmm, maybe"  
"Maybe?"  
"Why don't we go upstairs and see what happens?" He grabbed my wrist lightly as I moved to probably sprint upstairs, and turned. "Let me go first. Give me five minutes. And then knock"   
I held his gaze and found myself nodding despite being desperate, the mystique irresistible. "Okay, Gee" I reluctantly stood back and let him go, his tight butt looking bite-worthy.   
I wasn't averse to sex, it had just become such a mainstream obligatory pastime that didn't seem to hold much pleasure for me. Sure, Jack wasn't always lazy, at least not in the beginning, but I found I had also become lazy. I rarely went down on him and he rarely did me, but in general the activities were sparse, and I very clearly remember Jack saying my lack of libido was a side effect of my whirlwind depression, thus freeing himself of any of the blame. For something that used to be such a prevalent issue, it didn't appear to rear its ugly head between me and Gerard. He excited me, made me feel brave.  
I lingered near the bottom of the stairs, wondering how long five minutes actually was, wondering what he was doing. To be honest, just the bath was hugely intimate to me, so I probably couldn't even imagine what he was doing even if I tried. I just wanted to see. When I felt at least five minutes were up, I headed up the stairs, feeling strange standing at the bottom of someone's house in my underwear.   
I crept up the stairs and listened at the door, hearing music from inside. After focusing a second I smiled happily but questioningly when I heard he was playing Green Day.   
I paused another second before knocking and after a hot minute, the music turned off and I raised my eyebrows. What was he doing?   
"Okay, come in"   
I turned the handle and stepped into the room warily, looking around and seeing nothing amiss in his nerdy room apart from an acoustic guitar that was propped on the bed. I didn't want to assume it wasn't always there as our relationship had a sizeable gap. I eyed it and looked at him who blushed slightly.  
"I was waiting for the right moment to do this, and this kinda feels like it. That is, if you don't kill me again for postponing sex"   
I laughed loudly "don't be stupid, I'm always up for it, you know that" I winced at how that came across but he just pulled me to him and kissed me.  
"Me too, sugar" he whispered in my ear, and my hairs stood on end.   
"I'm cool with postponing sex but you can't be fuckin doing that" I giggled, pushing him away.   
He smirked and motioned to the bed for me to sit and I happily complied, bringing my knees up to my chin and resting my head.   
He pulled out his desk chair after moving his sketchbook that I knew I was going to look at whether I had permission or not.   
He perched on the desk chair and flipped the guitar so it was the right way up- clearly a little move to impress me, though would have been funnier had it hit him straight in the balls. Talk about postponing sex.   
My eyes drifted from his as he looked down and cleared his throat before starting to play.   
My eyes lit up as he strummed an A chord, then a D and I almost lost my shit when he played an A again, his fingers looking sure as he played. It was only my favourite song, and one I used to dub as 'ours', and I was about to say something when he started singing.   
His voice, my God. I remembered it was good but that's all. After decades of listening to iconic voices, his struck me straight away as being one of them.  
"Wherever you go, you know I'll be there.. if you go far you know I'll be there...I'll go anywhere...so I'll see you there"  
I grinned. Poprocks and Coke.  
I was taken aback slightly as he raised his voice for the hook   
"I don't care if you don't mind...I'll be there not far behind...I will dare, keep in mind...I'll be there for you"   
When I went back into my own body, I felt my mouth hanging open and snapped it shut, which made Gerard laugh halfway through a line. "Come on" he encouraged and I happily sang along. It may not have been one of Green Days romantic songs but I loved it with a passion, and he knew that, especially as I kept forcing it on him at school.   
My voice wasn't up to his par, but he didn't seem to mind. In fact, the exact opposite. It looked like this went how he wanted it to and it killed me a little how sincere he seemed when he was singing. Not to mention really endearing.   
"Oh, gee" I clutched my hands over my chest "I can't believe that just happened. I love that song" I couldn't do anything but gaze at him, holding his guitar in his underpants.  
He looked at me and then looked down, laughing "it's not the first time I've sang in my boxers" he said and I spluttered.  
"You what?"   
He rolled his eyes and placed the guitar down, kicking the chair back under the desk "I'm joking... maybe"   
There was a silence that fell around us, that I broke by holding my hand out.  
"Come here" my feelings had been shifted from what was already adoration to loved-up adoration. Nobody had ever sang for me before, not like that. I gazed up and down his body as he approached me, getting a sudden flash reminder of how much I fucking fancied the hell out of him and I was so glad he was with me and nobody else.   
He stood in front of me and threaded his fingers through my hair to tilt my head back and look down at me. A part of me wished he'd pull on it a little, and the thought made me shudder.   
"Was that a cold shiver?" He asked lightly.  
Still staring into his eyes, I shook my head a little.   
"No."  
He sighed comfortably and pushed me back onto the bed, flattening my legs by stroking down my thighs until he held my knees, starting to look predatory and dark. He pushed my knees apart and I gasped. He pulled my thighs onto his shoulders and started kissing them, the sensation sending jolts of heat through me, moaning gently.  
"You have such a beautiful voice" I whispered, twitching as he started to lick along the crotch lines, just dipping under the material.  
"Thanks. I'm working on it" he looked genuinely pleased, especially so when he drifted his thumb across the centre of my panties, creating a valley that became damp as it rubbed against my heat. Where he would normally have said something, he stayed silent and replaced his thumb with his tongue, pushing it in and up against my clit and lingering a second before pulling the panties down my hips, carelessly discarding them without taking his eyes off me, frustratingly going back to kissing my thighs, making me tremble from anticipation, gasping lightly which reverberated in the still, semi- silent very early morning. The silence added more tension to something that was already thrilling me.  
My hand drifted down my body and slipped between my legs, causing Gerard to look up bite his lip, his eyes starting to follow the the rhythm of my hand, his fingers creeping over mine which I had never actually experienced before. It was like everything he did was new and exciting and kept me on my toes.   
My eyes drifted shut but fluttered back open when he pressed against my fingers with his tongue, feeling his hot breath on my wetness. I parted my fingers and his tongue slid up onto my clit, licking and sucking tenderly, and as it was a while I had to wait before feeling his mouth on me, it felt like heaven. We still said nothing, the only sounds were of me panting and whimpering and of the sinful wet sounds his mouth was making wrapped around my pussy.  
He rose up to kiss me, his thumb moving over my throbbing clit as a finger slid into me, the intrusion making me sob, Gerard swallowing it as he slid his tongue against mine so slowly it was teasing me and adding to the tension as I pushed my hips against his hand, mentally willing to to push another finger inside me.   
He twisted his hand carefully and did exactly as I'd hoped, looking at his face which was completely in the game, like nothing other than me was a priority to him at that moment. And it made me feel precious.   
After a beat, he pushed my chest gently but firmly so I was lying down and moved back down my body to coax moans out of my throat as he sucked at me, nipping gently at my thighs every now and then and making my hips jump. I don't think I'd ever been as aroused as I was in that moment, especially after all that had happened that night that confirmed to me without a doubt that I wanted this man, this sexy, dark, intelligent and beautiful man. As I was thinking this, the tension built to breaking point as I heard a crude wet sound as he licked me, and the tension broke and so did the near-silence, gasping and moaning as my body started to throb, panting and threading my fingers through his soft hair and gripping him slightly which made him moan and vibrate against my skin, prolonging what was already the longest orgasm I'd ever had, it was to die for.   
He was clearly reading my body and could feel that I was still coming and tightening around his fingers, and had taken to watching me instead as he continued, the look on his face so intense it scared me, except in a pleasant way, anticipating how he was going to take me, knowing I'd be fine with anything he wanted. When he noticed I calmed a little, he kissed down my thighs before creeping back up my body and half-skillfully pulling my t-shirt over my head, still overwhelmed with pleasure, almost blindly watching him run his tongue across my chest, looking up at me as I gripped his shoulders.   
He paused before kissing up to my neck before sucking lightly on my earlobe, moaning unrestrainedly, my recurring throbbing in my sex made comfortable as he slid his thigh between my legs and steadily pushed my body up and down with his, kissing me deeply and wetly, starting to wonder if I ever actually stopped coming at all when he held my hips and pushed me up the bed, taking the opportunity to run my hands down his pale chest and use my toes to push his boxers down and he rid himself off them, fumbling a little which made me giggle, and suddenly he was on top of me, running a hand up my thigh. I wrapped my legs around him as a hint, one hand sliding down over his pale butt, squeezing it and feeling his erection rut against me.   
I slid a hand between us to wrap it around the base, but he pushed my thigh up against my stomach, taking my wrist and pinning it to the pillow, feeling so hot that I felt like my skin might burn his.   
Nobody had spoken for a while so I figured I'd get away with whispering "please fuck me" as he rubbed against me.   
I gasped as he slipped inside of me, my wrist still where he'd put it even after he freed me one hand working into the back of my hair and the other sliding down my side as he started slow, breathily panting as I knew it was about to get intense, more so than it already was as I knew he always sent me spiralling into breathless submission, especially when he was fucking me like he was. He was enamoured and entirely engaged, eyeing me up and biting his lip, rocking into me a little faster.   
"O-oh" I choked, my lips meeting his as he tilted my head up towards him, noticing he was sweating a little and his lips seem urgent and barely controlled, focused entirely on making love to me.   
"Oh, God" he moaned, and if that wasn't the sexiest thing I ever heard..   
"Gerard" I whimpered, pushing him over on a whim and climbing on top of him as he his the mattress, this time pinning his wrist above his head, not missing the dirty smirk he gave me. I moved down his body until he slipped back inside of me and with a combination of me pushing my hips back and him bucking his up into mine, we reached a comfortable rhythm. It felt amazing and Gerard must have concurred as his eyes were shut and his lips parted, his face screwing up slightly as he got closer to climax, mine still reverberating through me every time he thrust against my g spot.  
"I.." his eyes opened and hazily fixed on mine, his hands gripping my hips "I'm gonna.."  
I put a finger on his lip and lay down against him, still bucking against each other and sighing "it's okay"   
He made a few breathy grunting sounds before I felt him throb inside me and heard him sob softly.   
After he'd finished, it was a while before I moved off him, partly due to his arms around me, stroking my back. When we finally did, we fell asleep entwined on his bed.   
And it felt so right.


	11. Hey, You Called Me.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A short chapter, the calm before the storm.

The next day came around and I was greeted by my phone buzzing. I silently wished for only two buzzes and not for a phone call and was relieved when it stopped and the screen darkened again. I decided to ignore it initially, wanting to shy away from everything I possibly could that wasn't Gerard's bed. I was facing the window on the left hand side, turning and settling to see him very much asleep, face half-buried in his pillow with his hair fanned out. He looked so sweet and for a moment I let myself imagine that this was the present- just me and him together, untouchable.   
I took the liberty of touching his hair delicately, noting a look of almost sadness or despair. I frowned and thought maybe he could have been having a nightmare, or maybe his face just relaxed like that. That theory was quashed when he smiled suddenly and mumbled my name.   
I couldn't help it. I started crying instantly, like a tap being spun at full tilt and opening the dam. I tried my hardest to be quiet and to stop, but the ache in my heart continued and the tears just wouldn't cease, my eyes stinging and my soul vibrating desperately as thoughts of the future flashed through my mind. The future of what I would have to go through with Jack and the future of being with Gerard, both of them hitting me in very different ways, and seeing him lying there so peacefully and content made my emotions swell. Ultimately, his eyes fluttered and they opened, smiling initially upon seeing me but then frowning as he woke a little more, putting one hand on my face.  
"Hey, Stevie, what's up?" He asked gently, looking sad and sleepy.   
I shook my head helplessly and sniffled as he dried my tears. "hey, it's okay, come here" he breathed and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me into him, my face buried in his shoulder, not crying anymore but breathing heavily, Gerard placating me and mellowing me until I felt brave enough to look up and push my lips against his, his hand stroking my back tenderly.   
"Mmm, it's okay" he repeated before kissing me again.   
"I'm just a little overwhelmed I guess" I murmered, conscious of looking weak and making Gerard think that I was just going to break down all the time as I knew traditionally men didn't like women showing their emotions but, looking into his eyes, there was nothing traditional about him. He was welling up himself and sniffing a little.   
"I think we both are. Normally when I'm overwhelmed I have a fix but you...are the fix. I love you" he said evenly and I stared at him, trying to analyze the meaning of the word 'fix'. All I knew is it didn't sound healthy. But I too, was far from healthy.  
But was he right? Could we get ourselves out of our personal mire by being each other's rope?   
"It sounds like we need each other" I murmered.  
He nodded "it does. I don't know how you want to handle things with your husband but I'm with you every step of the way. And I won't get involved and like, kill him or anything"   
Considering he hadn't messaged me still, I was slightly tempted to encourage that, but instead shaking it out of my head, deciding it had no place. I needed to be adult about this, and being adult was something I always hated.   
I sighed deeply and let the pillow engulf me as I rolled onto my back. "I just can't wait until we can be together"   
"Technically, we are" he murmered, but acknowledged the look I gave him "I know. But it will happen" he said assuredly.   
"I guess I'm gonna have to be upfront with Jack. Suffer the backlash and start working on getting out"   
"You make it sound like prison" he half-joked and I looked seriously at him.  
"It is. Do you have any idea what it's like to be trapped in a house that doesn't have an ounce of you in it. Apart from the fucking spare room. I haven't been myself in years and it fucking sucks"   
"It's like caging a bird. You should only be in the open with me in the nerdiest apartment you'd ever seen" his lips played into a smile and I couldn't help but mirror it.   
"I'd love that" I sighed. "I really would"   
"Do it, then. Move here." He said, propping himself up and looking down at me, looking very sure of himself. I had no idea where that confidence had come from, but it was infectious.   
"...what?" Was all I could manage, not wanting to dismiss the idea out of hand as I knew that deep down, I would love that and it would make me happy. Though the idea of deserving happiness seemed alien to me.   
"Tell him you're divorcing him and move here" he said plainly, clearly trying to ignore the flaws in his plan. I wish I could, too, but I had no idea what was going to happen and I never really was one for planning things, even when I should be.   
"In an ideal world. But I'm going to tell him. Today. I'm going to tell him today" I said decisively, noticing Gerard's eyes light up. "And he knows who you are.."   
"I don't give a fuck. He's kind of an asshole anyway " he snarled lightly, probably thinking of all the annoying or semi-bigoted things he'd probably said either to or in the presence of my liberal Gee. The idea made me snort a little. Another thought occured to me then, and I didn't like it, but instead of pushing it down as I would with Jack, however, I knew I had to voice it to start as we meant to go on.  
"You won't stop finding me hot when the sneaking is done?"   
He raised an eyebrow "how stupid can you be?" He asked simply and I laughed.  
"A girl has to ask" I defended myself feebly, being pulled back into another kiss before he pulled away, smiling down at me and saying nothing. 

I knew that Jack had an appointment and that he'd be home after 2pm, so I headed back for that time. I wasn't sure if my mind was more occupied of what I was going to say or how he was going to react. It seemed to be both and I was getting a little panicky, I could feel my vision narrow on occasion but I shook it off. I did this, it's not like I'm an innocent bystander. I had to fix it.   
With that in mind, it didn't help me any as I started sweating a little, fanning my shirt.   
I knew it was going to be hard but it was necessary. Life had been limbo for so long that I wasn't going to waste any more time doing the opposite of what my gut and my heart were constantly chirping- relentlessly even.   
I was distracted suddenly as my phone vibrated. I slid it out, half expecting to be talking to Gerard immediately but no, it was an unknown number. I knew better from watching thrillers not to answer my phone with a withheld number right in the midst of a crisis, but I did. Like an idiot.   
"Hello?" I stopped next to a tree and leaned against it, looking around suspiciously as I answered, checking my proximity- again, as if I were in a thriller. I knew I shouldn't have let Gerard talk me into watching so many, but using the scary moments as an excuse to make him jump and/or rub his dick. He was going to start associating violence and fear with arousal. More importantly, why did that turn me on?   
"Stevie, right?" Came a female voice.  
"You called me" I retorted unsurely, still not moving from my spot next to the tree.  
"I know this is going to sound weird but I felt obligated to call you to give you some advice" the voice sounded vaguely familiar but couldn't put my finger on why.  
"Well...fire away then." I knew how to take information with a pinch of salt so I felt I was equipped to deal with whatever true or false tripe I was about to hear.   
"It's about Gerard."   
I fell silent, my brain urging myself to hang up but I couldn't do it.   
"What?" I asked, fear seeping through my voice and down the phone, no doubt.   
"You might think he's all fun and games but he has a dark side"   
My heart started thumping "are we in a movie or something? Say what you mean and mean what you say." I demanded, my mind going a thousand miles a second down the road, picking up every possible scenario I could along the way.   
"Okay, fine. He's got a lot of fucking problems and he's not the perfect boyfriend you might think he is." She said bluntly.   
"And why are you warning me? What's the end game?" I asked, trying to keep my voice even.   
There was a brief silence and I almost thought she'd gone until she said "and your husband's cheating on you. Nice marriage."  
"You- what?" I spluttered, immediately walking down the road towards my house. I needed to be going somewhere in light of this information. False or not, my feet decided it was time to move.   
"Yeah. With that girl who acts like she's the last all-american with the fake boobs"   
"Who is this?" I had an inkling to who it might be "and are you trying to sabotage me or help me?" I stopped again in the street, waiting for the answer.   
"Honestly, neither. I'm just telling you. I don't have an agenda. I mean, you did technically steal my boyfriend but still.."  
"Anna" I said, assured. "Have you got proof?"  
"Yep. You can meet me if you want, I just want to get this over with".  
I sighed. I really didn't want to do that, but part of me couldn't help but feel like it might speed up this. Not to mention I was pissed that he'd been cheating on me. What the fuck?   
"Fine. You free in an hour?" I glanced at my watch, wanting to get this done before I had to face Jack. And even though the tables had turned, had they really? He was doing to me only exactly what I was doing to him. And I didn't even know what to make of that. Did we just make the wrong decision because his parents wouldn't stop mentioning it, or because my grandmother kept saying she wanted to see me in a white dress before she died, when I could easily have worn a white dress in front of her without walking down an aisle to begin with? And that might be something I'd have to do again, I knew Gerard was Catholic, though his view on life seemed to mirror my own atheistic ones.   
On top of everything, all I could think was sure, Gerard had problems. He didn't even know what I was dealing with. Jack didn't, Bet only knew the outlines. I had integrated my habits so solidly in my life that I hadn't blinked twice at it until the moment Anna had said he had a dark side. I didn't assume the dark side meant he could be cheating on me because that just didn't fit.  
He wouldn't.   
My head was swimming, and the hour to kill before meeting Anna at the coffee shop and I really just wanted to curl up on Gerard's sofa and feel him run his fingers up my skin, dark side be damned. Maybe I liked a dark side. Maybe I wanted him to dominate me and pull my legs apart under a shower head and tease me until I begged him to stop, or even taking my anal virginity while using his fingers to- fuck. That wasn't even dark, just hot. I felt like I was downplaying it to protect the both of us, as I had a history of dealing with him at times in school, but so did he with me.   
I groaned frustratedly and called Gerard, hoping and kind of not hoping that he'd pick up.   
"Hey" he responded, sounding bright "what's up?"   
I thought he'd be more concerned considering as far as he knew I might have talked to Jack already.   
"Hey...I just wanted to check in..I kinda just wanted to hear your voice" I said quietly.  
"I'm glad to hear yours. I'll be glad when this is over because it's... it's a bit crazy"   
It was one of the first times he'd been vulnerable, and I admitted that it did surprise me seeing how he never suppressed any of his worries and woes to me when we were growing up. In fact, I used to be the calm one. Why didn't I notice that?   
"Hey, it's okay." I soothed "don't worry baby"   
He sniffed a little before sighing "I just love you so much"   
Oh, god. I didn't care if he had a dark side or fucked up shit, that's all I could think about. How much I loved him so much too.   
"It's gonna be me and you, I promise. C'mon Gee, you know it"   
"I know" he sounded a little more confident but still shaky. "So, what, when are you, yknow?"   
"I'm meeting Bet at the coffee shop in an hour, I have to give her something. And then I need to talk to Jack."   
"Okay. Keep in touch, will you?" He asked lightly and I smiled.  
"Always"  
"Bye, baby" he said, and I returned it, hanging up and sliding my phone in my pocket, after grunting when I noticed the battery was running low. Typical.   
I passed the remainder of the time in the park, trying to centre myself and just breathe, not letting any assumptions cloud my judgement and trying to ward off the sick feeling by sipping red bull, which was my answer to most problems. I dreaded the time running up to meet Anna but at the same time, I needed to know what she had to tell me.   
I wound up sitting at the exact same booth Gerard had sat with me on that fateful day, swirling my coffee and tapping my fingers on the table. I didn't even know how I was going to react when she sat opposite me. I still felt guilty.   
I found out when she came eventually, after making me wait ten minutes. She slid into the booth and shucked her jacket, noticing she'd bought a smoothie and it for some reason seemed quite strange under the circumstances.   
"So.." I started, sitting back in the seat.  
She slid her phone over to me on the table and turned if to face me. "That's a copy of Jack's messages with her" she said bluntly and sat back sipping her drink as I tried to make sense of what I was reading, which pretty much was a script of what she'd described. Despite feeling taken aback, I scanned it properly to make sure it hadn't been edited in any way. I looked up after a moment.  
"Can you send that to me?"   
She raised an eyebrow.  
"Hey, am I the real enemy here? You told me you didn't even like him" I murmered, referring to Gerard.  
She rolled her eyes and continued to look standoffish, and I huffed in annoyance.  
"Then why-"  
"Because." She spoke suddenly and I was surprised, falling silent "because the same thing happened to my brother and even if he is a fucking sad sack, I still don't want..."  
What? Him to get hurt? Me to get hurt?   
"It's damaging, is all" she summarised and sat back again, meeting my eyes for a moment.   
I stayed silent, looking down at the table.  
"I'm so-"   
"Yeah I know, yada yada" she murmered before sliding out from the booth and giving me one last look before leaving.  
Christ. I didn't even know really what to do. The underlying thought I has was worry about Gerard. I was angry as hell to boot about Jack and I practically wanted to march over there and slap the shit out of him, pissed that I ever felt bad for what I'd done.   
"We need to talk." Said my message to Jack, which was highly subdued under the circumstances. I was seething and I felt like I wanted to cry all at once, and my body genuinely felt stuck, and a shock went through me as I received his reply.  
"Okay"   
It was almost like...he knew.


	12. The Only Hope For Me Is You.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Smut warning. But I think that's a given

I was sat in the kitchen drinking a beer for courage when I heard the front door close, feeling my insides knot. I was not looking forward to this. After what felt like forever, he came though and stood across from me at the table. I nervously looked up at him, willing myself to keep the upper hand. I opened my mouth, trying not to make direct eye contact.   
It was like every moment of our relationship coming to a head and I knew it was obvious, to the both of us.   
"So, what's the problem?"   
Even his attitude and his stance were making me simmer inside. Did he not even give a fuck at all?  
"The..what's the.." I stood up and braced my hands on the table "you're fucking cheating on me!" My eyes were brimming, wishing I knew this was going to happen and not even waste my time looking at him to begin with.   
"So are you" he replied simply, and he couldn't have looked more fucking smug if he tried.   
"What?" I snapped, glowering at him from across the table, wanting to tell him how much I hated the way he dressed, the way he spoke and the way he even fucking ate. I tried to withhold the bile that I was dying to spray all over him. I felt like I hadn't seen him in a while and that was true, there's no way that wasn't glaringly obvious.  
"So fucking what, though?" I spat "I have proof that you have"   
His face twisted in a sociopathic and condescending way "do you though?"   
I raised my eyebrows "yeah! I've just seen a whole page of fucking messages between you, and it pre dated.." I stopped myself, unsure of how much to give away.   
"Predated you fucking Gerard like a thirsty bitch?" He snarled and my mouth dropped open. I knew he could be vile when he wanted to but fuck me, he was going deep.   
I stayed silent a moment, or at least until he mumbled 'thought so', slamming my hands down on the table.   
"And how the fuck do you-" I started.  
"Oh please, you've been in love with him and you've been waiting around in your head like a sad puppy hoping that one day he'd come back and rescue you from a perfectly good life that you were happy to throw away"   
I was wounded "but you fucked around before I even saw him!" I tried to ignore the intention that lay in the rest of his statement, and I already felt itself attaching to my brain. Fuck. I was so angry. "what kind of respect does that show that you have? You've hardly paid attention to me in so long, we argue on every aspect of our life and it just.. it just doesn't make sense." I tried to level myself, find a balance that wouldn't have me falling of the edge.   
"Is that really true?" He asked, staring down at me and making me feel trapped and confused by what he'd said. Of course it was.   
"If you don't think that's true, I don't know what house you've been living in" I said truthfully, finding myself getting out of the chair gripping the back of it, not wanting to be at a lower level than him. I didn't want him to take the upper hand. I was starting to hate him.  
"Well, as far as anyone knows, this relationship was fine, until you decided to screw me over for one of my friends"   
"He's not your fucking friend" I growled, knowing that at least to be true.   
"Not any more. He's just your fuck toy now" he was being spiteful and horrible and I didn't know how this could get any worse.  
"Because, Stevie, I have evidence of your deceit, and I don't think you have the same in return really.." his eyes narrowed and I paused, knowing that Anna hadn't sent me the proof yet. But he didn't know that.   
"I do" I contested gruffly and he raised an eyebrow, and I couldn't help but feel he didn't believe me.  
"Well, whatever you've supposedly got on me, I guarantee you... I've got worse"  
Flashes of panic pulsed through my head. What the fuck was he talking about?   
"Also, he's not such a catch, he's a fucking mess, but you're too in your loved-up bubble to even realise"   
I stared at him, words failing me completely as I opened my mouth, too many questions to come out at once, so instead none of them did. Where had this illusion of Gerard being a mess appeared from, and why had I heard it twice in one day?   
"The fuck?" I repeated weakly, and he could see I was losing composure.  
"I started sleeping around because you started going out all the time, smoking pot and hanging out with people, how was I supposed to know that you weren't cheating then?"   
My eyes opened wide and I slammed my hands down again, starting to fear for every breakable object in the vicinity.   
"By trusting me?! By...sticking to your goddamn vows?? Maybe if you'd voice your opinion we wouldn't be in this shitty mess to begin with!"   
"You're telling me..." He started, looking skeptical and like he needed a fucking slap "that vows aside, you wouldn't have run back to Gerard when he came back into town?"   
"What's...I didn't...Run?! I mean, what? What the fuck are you talking about?" Where had this myth come from? My frustration was running away with me and I knew it.   
"I know you, I know him. I saw the way you were with him at Dave's reception, do you think I'm blind or somethin'?" He rolled his eyes and that just made me tense even more. I really didn't want to be spoken to like this and I would have attempted to be civil but he was clearly being a child.   
"Yeah, I love him." Was all I could manage.   
He looked slightly wounded at that, by some miracle "well, he can't love you that much if he hasn't bothered to tell you-"  
"You know what?" I interrupted "shut the fuck up. It's my life"   
"No. It's our life. Or it was"  
Neither of us had moved from where we were standing and you could have sliced the tension with a paring knife.   
"How can...how can you say that? I've not felt like myself for so long, we argue about our entire future CONSTANTLY"   
"I argued cos I cared. Guess you didn't"   
I rolled my eyes and slammed the chair against the table "stop playing the victim! You cheated before I did and that's the fucking end of it. I'm not gonna paraded through town like some whore while you sit back and keep boning Amanda" I hated the view women got, but I realised that I'd given her that same view. Funny how men seem to dominate things.   
He raised an eyebrow, not responding in any way to what I'd said until he murmered "it's not Amanda"   
"Well, who-fucking ever!" I snapped "it doesn't even matter. And I might not have ready proof, but can't we just agree to-"  
"I do" he retorted and my face fell. What the hell did he mean? My phone? No, I kept it close to me, it couldn't be that...unless he'd developed some hacking skills alongside being a general cunt.   
I opened my mouth to ask, but no sound came out.   
"You shouldn't leave your laptop in that spare room" he said through gritted teeth, though he was probably trying not to smirk.   
There was only one person on earth who I liked making that face. Gerard. But still, my laptop? What did he mean? Not the..no..  
"Your webcam.." he hinted and my face fell even further.   
"You haven't" I said simply, the thought that someone had seen us making me feel...I didn't even know, but it wasn't good.   
"You fuckin' watched me?" I asked incredulously.   
He shrugged "seems like someone on earth managed to satisfy you" he spat and tears sprang to my eyes.  
"You're disgusting. I want to see it. I don't believe you" now I circled around the table, squaring up to him.  
He looked down at me "Fine. I'll send it you. But first I think you should get the fuck out"   
I couldn't help it, I shoved him in the chest and he fell back a little, but I wasn't that strong but fuck, I didn't care.   
"Don't touch my fucking stuff. I'll come for it. Not that anything in this house is mine" I stared at him for a second before running up the stairs in a blind rage, grabbing my duffle bag and throwing in my essentials. I'd already planned exactly what I needed in preparation for this moment, even though it came with far more fear, hate and panic than I thought it would. I couldn't believe he had a video of me and Gerard. God, it made me feel sick. So sick. I needed to tell him.   
My mind was trying to find that night in my head, wondering how far we'd gone and every time I remembered something we'd done, my heart dropped more.   
My mouth was on him, his on me, we went from me being under him to on top of him and fuck, from behind. My head was starting to pulse a little as if a migraine was threatening, and I grabbed the percocet out of my bag and knocked a few back, not even caring if it was too much. I took the whole stash cos fuck him, I wasn't leaving him my weed, what more could he do?   
When I felt I'd gathered enough and barely made it down the stairs considering how confused my head was, I went into the kitchen where he was still lingering like a bad smell. We joined eyes for a second, and I honestly had never hated anyone so much.  
"Wonder where you're going?" He asked hypothetically, drinking beer now and propped up against the fridge, clearly because it was a suitable vantage point for what he probably saw as my walk of shame. But I wasn't there for that, and I never would be, and deep down I knew that this was for the best, and we'd gone too far now. We had both truly fucked our relationship, except I was harbouring all of the blame.   
"I'll text you when I come for my stuff. Try not to be here because I will want to kill you" I said truthfully, not taking another look at him before grabbing my keys off the side, and pulling my jacket on.  
"I'll be wanting those when your stuff is gone" he said, referring to the keys.  
I didn't even look back "Fuck off, Jack."   
Even though the information I'd just received was haunting me, there was a load that dropped off my shoulders when I stepped into the street, normally feeling hopeless when I did so, walking into another day with no love, passion or ambition.  
But not anymore. I couldn't help a smile from spreading across my face, my knotted insides starting to uncoil gradually, pulling my phone out and called Gerard.  
"Hey Stevie what's-" he started, his warm hopeful voice making me feel sad that his emotions were about to do a complete 180 when I told him the news. I cut him off.  
"Can you come get me?" I asked, sounding a little breathless "I've just left, please gee can you.." I trailed off as I choked up and my eyes stung as I squeezed my eyes to hold back the tears.   
"Stevie baby, are you okay?" The concern in his voice was palpable and it made me feel protected, way more than I did ten minutes ago. "I'm coming now, where are you, stay there I'll come get you"   
I sat on the sidewalk and waited, trying to figure out how I was going to tell him all of this, and what his reaction might be, while trying to deal with it all myself. After a few minutes of dedicated thinking, the weightless numbing cloud that was the pills were flowing through me, killing my migraine and making me feel incredible and affecting my decision. Picturing him in my mind chewing gum or smoking like a girl and my body was warmed. I wasn't going to tell him just yet. I was going to give myself at least a few moments more of bliss before the calm came crashing down and that might have been selfish but I needed it, so badly. Maybe I'd feel better if he just ravaged me and I could completely forget what was going on, even if it was just for an hour.   
I had steadfastly decided that just as Gerard pulled up, getting to my feet and trying to avoid looking at him as I shoved my stuff in the back, getting into the front and looking over at him, who looked as if he was trying to be composed but not quite hitting the mark.   
"So?" He said unsurely, putting a hand on mine.   
"So, take me to yours, Gee" I smiled bravely, forcing the feelings down to the bottom of the barrel.  
"Really?" He asked semi- incredulously, as if he expected the news to be bad.   
I was pushed to a limbo of nearly spitting it all out right there on the side of the road but constantly being told that Gee had problems gave me pause, sighing again as my body relaxed. Not yet.  
"Yeah, cmon, let's go" I said finally, looking up at him.   
"You seem high, did you smoke before you saw him?"  
I felt the lie coming out before I even thought it "yeah"   
I panicked slightly then, I knew our relationship couldn't include lies. But I was trying to protect us both.   
He was chatting away to me the entire way to his, sounding a lot more chill than he did earlier. Maybe he'd been smoking. Wouldn't blame him.  
He kindly took my bag and kissed me on the head and I pulled him to me with one arm, pressing my body against his and leaning up to kiss him "thank you."  
As I turned to follow him into the house, I could have sworn I saw someone, but they disappeared before I had chance to blink and check again. I really hoped that I wasn't going to start imagining things out of paranoia, or worse, someone was actually watching us. I shuddered and tried to leave the thought at the doorstep, hoping it would fuck off entirely, and soon.   
I started smoking pretty quickly and Gerard disappeared and came back with coffee, by which point I was practically nearing the ceiling off three percocets and half a joint.   
I eyed him as he sat down besides me, knowing my pill addiction was only going to get worse in this testing time, and flinched when I considered what that might mean for me.   
"Thanks" I murmured, crossing my legs on the sofa, taking the hot mug into my hands and staring down at it as the darkness swirled with the milk, practically hypnotizing me. I was trying to prevent reality from setting in, and I felt like I was doing a half decent job.   
"Stevie" Gerard put his hand on my shoulder and I jolted slightly, making him raise an eyebrow in concern.   
I couldn't see the concern properly even though I knew it was there, instead, my eyes drifting up and down him, I reminded myself of how sexy he was. He wasn't even trying, just wearing jeans and a hoodie. But the way he spoke and looked at me...so what if Jack had seen us fucking. Maybe he might actually learn a thing or two about intimacy and pleasure. I covered up the dirty feeling by convincing myself I felt empowered when really I was afraid of what other people thought of me and I was so fucking sick of that that I wouldn't know where to start. Maybe I was a dirty bitch. Maybe I was a sinner and a harlot and a liar and I couldn't have cared less. I was staring at Gerard while I was thinking this and he knew I did this, but I don't think he quite knew why, what the nature of my spaced-outedness rooted from. But...I needed it. I couldn't be faced with reality on my own right now, even with Gerard, I needed fortification, I needed to be cushioned in some way from the torrent of hatred I had experienced in my own house.   
I was dandy now, and all I could think about was ripping his clothes off and making him bite me, scratch me, tear me apart.   
"Gerard-" I began, and he looked like he was expecting me to start talking about my feelings. But who ever gave a fuck about that?   
"Gerard, please.." I murmered, kneeling on the sofa and holding the scruff of his t-shirt in my hands and pulled him close "please fuck me."   
His face fell into an image of shock and arousal, seeming unsure.   
"What are you unsure about?' I pulled him onto me, sliding my hands under his hoodie and pulling it off him before trailing my fingernails down his back under his t-shirt, making him cry out, turned on enough to pull his shirt off and start sucking on his collarbone.   
"I...I don't know" he breathed "I want to make sure you're okay"   
"Oh, I will be, I will be" I placated him, sliding a hand over the stiffness in his jeans "once you destroy me" I could hardly believe the words I was using, and looking at his face, neither could he. But I was.  
I saw his eyebrow twitch and I could tell I was getting his attention. I pulled my shirt off and unclasped my bra and tossed them to the side, his eyes exploring me before returning to my eyes. I wanted to push him, rile him up. This was distracting me and that's all I needed, my phone at the bottom of my bag being entirely and hugely ignored, only caring about the two of us, and how I was relying on him to take me out of this world which might seem like a big ask, but if anyone could, he could.   
"C'mon, Gee" I purred, watching his fingers as his pale hand rubbed over me, his fingertips teasing my bud, shivering when I realised how instant the tension was when he touched me regardless of when or where.   
"You really want that?" He finally spoke and barely finished as my lips joined his, sucking on his lower lip, which always made him sigh and tense all at once, the feeling probably doing straight to his dick.   
"Yes." I said evenly, fondling him again and squeezing as he rutted into my hand "that's it" I encouraged and he made a soft grunting sound that indicated that I was getting him there. "What do you wanna do to me?" I asked breathlessly, one hand on his lower back and the other in his hair, searching his eyes for the answer, feeling like I should be shameful for the way I was being, but the feeling never followed through. My passive aggressive self-centred apathy had my heart on the loose and it wanted Gerard and it wanted him hard. I wanted to forget, but I wanted to feel. I wanted to be a puppet in the filthy play that Jack had watched, and I hoped it made him feel small. Because he was smaller, in every way. He was tiny and Gerard was a giant in my eyes and perhaps he was right inferring that I coveted him, and I bet he could see that as he watched him fuck me from behind, holding onto my hips.   
He hadn't answered the question, but he didn't need to as he lifted me and sat me on the coffee table, telling me to take my jeans off as he worked on his, pausing for a second.  
"I haven't got.."   
"Fuck, who cares, Gerard? Come in me, come on my tits I don't even care"   
His eyes fixed on mine and he fell to his knees in front of me, pushing my hips down as he ran his tongue along me, pausing to nudge at my clit, the familiar dirty feeling washing over me and focusing right down to my heat, moaning helplessly as he started fucking me on his fingers, the motion moving me back and forth as my head fell back and loud moans erupted from my chest, only making him tease me more, starting to throb and gasp. It wasn't going to be long until I came, and I didn't want it to end. But I wanted him inside me.  
I tugged urgently on his hair, and he took his mouth off me and looked up, and I took a mental snapshot. Fuck, he was giving me exactly what I wanted.   
He looked behind him as he shifted back onto the sofa, tapping his thighs as I struggled to sit up, my vision impaired.   
I obeyed him and climbed into his lap, straddling his hips and feeling his erection between my legs, grasping his hair again as he took hold of my ass, pulling me towards him and rubbing me against his dick, sucking on his neck hard enough I was in hickey territory.   
"Ah! Stevie! Are you sure you wanna?"   
I growled and sucked harder, making him groan before detaching to say "everyone's gonna know, so.."   
My haze was disturbed by that thought and it made me feel both self conscious and reckless. A combination I knew never ended well with me. I sucked a dark bruise on his delicate skin, figuring if he didn't want tattoos then I'd decorate him myself.   
When I'd finished and was admiring my work, he grunted impatiently and lifted my hips with his hands and I immediately wrapped my hand around him and helped guide it inside me, moaning helplessly as he hit me deep, biting at my neck and bouncing me in his lap. Fuck. It felt so good.   
"Is this what you wanted?" He whispered in my ear and I shivered, having to hold on to his shoulders as he fucked me fast from beneath, nodding.   
"Yes. Thank you" I whimpered and his thumbs dug into my hips, starting to moan. I loved the way he moaned, he sounded like someone had left the sound on a porno they were watching. He was both the woman and the man (depending on your preference, I know with Gerard it could easily be man and man) and he sounded so hot that I was struggling to hold on, my legs shaking a little as I started to feel the elation grip me, kissing him hard as he moaned again, but into my mouth.  
I tugged his head back by his hair and he looked up at me, his eyes red and mouth open. "Please, come in me" I sobbed as I came myself, releasing his head and biting on his shoulder try and muffle the sinful racket I was making.   
"Yeah?" He didn't sound concerned, but turned on.   
"Yeah" I squealed a little as he thrusted harder a few times before crying out loudly, feeling him throb inside me, squeezing my thighs around him.   
Fuck. That was everything I wanted it to be.   
We stayed like that for a moment before reluctantly moving. Me, especially, with the load I had on my mind. As soon as the distraction ceased then I became hyper aware again. But on the other hand, I was gazing at him and his blown pupils and content expression. And it helped.   
We curled up on the sofa, his arms around me, a strong urge to sleep covering me like a blanket. The stress of the day and the force of my emotions had left me near-dead emotionally and physically. So for now at least, I wouldn't worry.   
I'd just sleep.


	13. Two People, Two Problems

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kinky, references to non-con and addiction.

I woke a little later and discovered that Gerard had woken before me and covered me in a blanket, smiling and snuggling into it in bliss, before coming back down to earth and remembering.   
I sighed heavily, knowing that this was partly my doing and that I had to tough it out, I just didn't want to put that on someone else. Especially not Gerard. He was so sweet and precious that I didn't want to fuck him up again. Or more. I had no idea. Even though I was technically withholding information about the days events, he too was withholding information. About himself.   
Even though I felt a sense of security, I knew in life that you could only rely on yourself, as no one else is going to the grave with you. I was happy to be in a relationship where I had to care for him and he cared for me. So, in essence, a functional relationship, right? I was struggling to care about people telling me of his 'messy' ways. In the movies, the person always gets all wound up about hearsay and destroys (or nearly destroys) the relationship instead of just realising that people have needs. They need support and love. It's hardly a bizarre concept. Sure, Jack had been that for me at times but in truth, it always felt forced and obligatory, and I couldn't see how it didn't too, for him. It's not like I ever invested my all into the relationship, my issue of being a lone ranger stemming from my semi-solitary in school before I met my friends. And Gerard. Especially Gerard.   
And then, there was the whole webcam video thing. I mean, had I actually seen proof it existed? He said he'd send it me but he still hadn't. I begrudgingly fished my phone out of my duffle bag and sat bolt upright on the sofa as I saw an attachment in an email he'd sent me. I panicked and scrambled for my laptop in the bag, fishing it out in a hurry, sighing frustratedly when I realised the battery was dead. I put it down on the table in front of me and pulled the blanket to one side, looking around for any sign of Gerard, panic bubbling up and I called his name, getting to my feet and looking around the apartment, turning sharply when I heard a bang come from his room. I rushed to the door, almost skidding on the carpet as I pushed open the door.   
My eyes didn't understand initially what they were seeing, which turned out to be Gerard clutching his ankle on the floor, a strong smell of alcohol hitting me after a beat, making me reel slightly.   
"G-gerard?" I choked, dropping besides him on the floor.   
The lack of response should have been my initial indication, but instead I realised when he unsteadily turned his head to look at me. His eyes were red but he didn't seem baked. And he smelt even stronger than the room. He was drunk. Very.   
"St-stevie" he slurred, and seeing him ike that tugged at my heartstrings. "I didn't think you'd be awake yet"  
"What's...what happened, baby?" I took his face in my hand and he struggled to make eye contact, but not through lack of trying.   
"I, uhh, I tripped and hurt my ankle" he murmered, looking down at it "I didn't mean to...if I woke you...I was trying not to"   
I felt like crying. I never once considered that his drinking habits in high school would carry through to adulthood. But at the same time, who was I to talk?   
I wrapped my arms around him and fought back tears as he gently and unsteadily rested against me. There was a brief silence before he uttered "There's a video"   
My eyes dropped shut and I sighed heavily. He'd already seen it. I was anxious that he would potentially be pissed that I didn't tell him, but instead he just seemed quiet, drunk and depressed.   
"Yeah" I croaked, nuzzling my face into his hair and refusing to let him go. "I know. I'm sorry"  
"Don't..no...it's my fault" he looked up at me helplessly, looking a little queasy, retching a little, so I blindingly searched for a bin, making a mental note to buy him a new one after this was over, hoping that I wouldn't have to do this again, ignoring the sinking feeling and people repeating the words 'a mess' in the back of my mind.   
I brushed his hair back from his face as he was sick in the bin, desperately trying to not to cry. I knew he wasn't the most well adjusted of all people but it still upset me to see him like that.   
"Forget about it" I breathed, like that was even an option. "C'mon, we need to get you into bed for a while"   
I did my best to help him onto the bad, his lack of dexterity indicating his level of drunkenness. How did I not see it? He was replacing it with coffee, and with me, he told me the very same in the treehouse. I was his fix. "I'm still here" I muttered frustratedly, helping him with the pillow so he was upright enough not to choke on his own vomit.   
"What?" He asked, looking up at me, shivering.  
"Gerard, why?" I asked sadly, sitting next to him and holding his hand.   
"I..." He whimpered and broke down "I didn't want you to be upset, and there's a fucking video" he repeated, clumsily wiping his nose before letting it drop down on the bed. I struggled to look at him for a fear that I would break down myself.   
"I know. I know, Gee" I sighed deeply. "Look, I really want you to do something for me, just for me" I leaned in and held his face, struggling not to recoil from the stench of alcohol but managing not to.   
"Yeah?" He asked sadly, kissing me unsteadily and making me want to cry even more.   
"Uhh, just.." I pulled myself together, moving off the bed and pulling a blanket over him before facing him again "just sleep. Recover. Then me and you can just relax and we'll sort this out. Okay?"   
He stared at me a moment before nodding "okay".  
I waited by the door until he'd settled and slowly crept our, closing the door behind me. It was barely a moment after closing when I started sobbing, having to put my hand over my mouth to muffle the sounds as not to disturb him. I felt crushed. And I felt it despite knowing I would. I just didn't expect this. In a way I chastitsed myself for not seeing it, not knowing him enough to sense it, and on another hand I hated that people had categorised someone who clearly had a problem as being a mess.   
I sat on the top step and held my head in my hands. I could deal with each of the things that were coming at me, but I honestly felt like I couldn't deal with them all at once. It sent my brain into a spin of sheer helplessness and feeling like I might pass out, and there was no way that I was going to let Jack reduce me and Gerard to out cold and cracked. Fuck him.   
I needed something to calm me down, keep me level enough to be able to see my point of view from an outside perspective. I found Xanax in his bathroom cabinet and dipped into my pill stash again, ignoring the voice in my head that questioned the action.   
I paced a little in the living room before tucking a joint into a tin and sliding it into my jeans pocket, grabbing my hoodie and making to leave, taking his keys with me but making sure I had my phone. At this point I didn't even know entirely what I was doing, but I knew I needed to be alone for a moment. I'd been swept up so harshly by Gerard coming back into my life that it had been a while since I'd had time to take stock of how I actually felt. And that was a big factor of my issues with Jack, and I'd be damned if it was going to come between me and Gerard.   
I was on the phone to Bet as I walked down the street, noticing myself keeping an eye out for people I knew, despite the fact that I was starting to feel drowsy and placated.   
At least, I was trying to be on the phone to Bet, but had to give up after two missed calls. It didn't shock me, as we always missed each others calls but I couldn't deny that I needed it. I knew I wanted to be alone but Bet was being alone with me, like an extension of myself that knew me like a loved book, the pages thumbed through many times, especially the funny chapters where we got into some interesting predicaments.   
I smiled softly as I crossed my legs on a bench facing the lake, glad that I didn't notice anyone in the vicinity, and that there weren't many of them to begin with. I put my hood up regardless, initially smoking a little whenever it seemed clear to, but ending up just blatantly smoking on the bench. I realised this harshly when I heard a voice behind me, and a person moving to sit next to me.   
"Hey"  
I stared at them, looking unsurely down at the joint that I was stupidly still holding in my hand. It was a guy, a pleasant and highly-inked individual who was dressed like me, putting me as ease slightly.   
"Are you frozen?" He asked cautiously, gesturing to my hand suspended in mid-air.   
"No, haha I uhh, you want some?" I asked, passing it to him who raised an eyebrow surprised but took me up on my offer regardless as I stood unsteadily and brushed ash off my jacket. I looked at him as I sat back down, moving away from him a little until I knew what his intentions were.  
"Do I know you?" I asked, tucking a foot up back under my thigh, dangling my leg as I looked at him skeptically.   
"Well, you have met me, but you were a little drunk at the time. And so was I, but I remember you cos you're uhh, close to a friend of mine"   
Panic jolted through me and I slid even further down the bench, my unease obvious. He looked as if he mentally told himself off and smiled cautiously. "It's okay, I'm talking about Gerard"   
That didn't really put me any more at ease because Jack was a friend of Gerard's and that didn't end well, did it?   
"I..I'm..look, I know you're going through a tough time right now.."  
I realised he'd probably seen the video and zipped my hoodie up further, not able to back away any more without standing, but I didn't want to judge him as quickly as some people would be judging me.   
"Yeah" I mumbled.   
"But, things will get better. Gerard is...he's helped me through some shitty times and I owe him a lot, so.." I could tell he was being honest, and I'd wondered why Gerard hadn't mentioned him. I felt a guilt as I hoped I wasn't the reason why they hadn't seen each other, and thinking I would hate me too if I was him.   
"What's your name?" I asked, relaxing a little.  
"Frank. Though don't tell him you saw me, it's been a while since we've properly... y'know, talked"   
"O-okay...I will" I nodded.  
His face softened "how is he? How..are you?"   
I didn't know why he cared and I didn't want to give him information, but I couldn't help but not feel intimidated.  
"Uhh, I'm high and he's drunk. So yeah. Going well"   
He sighed and rubbed his forehead and my eyes prickled, threatening tears again for the hundredth time that day. "I know. It's okay" he smiled, but he looked concerned.  
"Look, you guys need to be together right now"   
"He's sleeping" I murmered.  
"I mean, tonight. Just go back and when he's sobered up just be together. Don't worry about food, I'll order you a pizza, I used to do it for him all the time. Okay?"   
"Okay.." I replied softly, watching as he stood up. "Do you want a ride?"   
"Umm.." I was wary, I knew better than to get in a stranger's car. But I did.   
He was quiet for most of the journey until he turned to me as we pulled into Gerard's street "it's gonna be okay"   
"I...yeah, I know" I looked up at him as he pulled up outside the house "I'd invite you in but.."  
"It's okay, I know he might panic more if he sees me, he might think something bad happened. Honestly, just go" he urged gently, brushing his dark hair back with his patterned hand, noticing how he seemed to be a lot like Gerard whilst not at the same time.  
I nodded again.  
"It's nice to meet you, Stevie"   
I flinched. Either Gerard had told him my name, or it was common in town now because, the third option- he'd seen his friend calling it out as he fucked me.   
I shuddered at this thought but managed a brief wave, watching the car leave before going through the door, feeling as if I was living a dream or something, I didn't seem to be in touch that anything that was happening, and I knew that was partly my own doing. Gerard had drunk a lot, but I was popping pills like they were candy.   
My eyes screwed up as I fended off the thought, deciding to get some water and chips incase he was dehydrated and hungry before going upstairs with the intention of fetching him, but having pause at the door before I went in, knocking briefly and quietly.   
I felt hope when I heard his voice reply, seeing him sat in bed as I opened the door.   
"Gerard" was all I managed, eyes brimming as I went up to him who held his arms out to me, looking apologetic.   
He took me in his arms, seeming a lot more sure of himself than he did, but still appearing a little worse for wear. But it's not like I wasn't.   
"I'm so sorry" he whispered "so sorry"  
I sat up and kissed him hard, hugging him. "it's okay. I get it. It's a lot"   
He looked sadly at me but didn't say anything, persuaded by my invitation to sit on the sofa with a blanket and a movie, hoping to make him feel a little better.   
He threw up in the toilet before he came down to join me, his hair wild as he sat besides me. I gently ran my fingers through it, tidying it up to its usual sexy mess.   
"Thats nice" he sighed softly "though my head is killing, have you got any painkillers?"   
My heart ached. Of course I did. And he didn't have a clue.   
"Yeah, baby, here, take this" I passed him his glass as I retrieved him one from my stash, feeling sad as I took it to him and watched him swallow it before sighing and staring down at the floor.  
"Here, let's watch a movie" I encouraged, leaving him to choose as I went to fetch some more water, shock vibrating through me as a knock went on the door.  
"Leave it" Gerard called weakly, but I couldn't help but peek through the window. It was a delivery man. Maybe he had the wrong house.  
I cracked the door and began to tell him that when he said Gerard's name and held out the pizza boxes.  
"Uhh, thanks, I uhh" I fumbled in my pocket and handed him five dollars, noticing he was pleased as I thanked him again and closed the door. Pizza. It was Frank. I had legitimately forgot that happened.   
I brushed off the concern that thought caused me as I grinned at his movie choice as I put the pizza down on the table and saw his face light up. "Thank you!"   
"It's okay" I decided to save the truth for later, as I knew we had a lot to work through and I too, didn't want to overwhelm him.   
I sat besides him again and we had as much of a pleasant couple of hours as it was probably possible to have, at that point. I felt the mood change when we started smoking, I could see him thinking and glancing at me a lot. Eventually, he spoke.  
"We could talk to the police about, y'know..the video"   
I looked down at my hands nervously "yeah, I don't wanna do that. I hope you can stand by me on that one" I had seen enough documentaries to know that this kind of shit can fuck your life up, and I didn't want it to be spread further than it already probably had.   
"Of course. I was just so freaked worrying about you, it's not fair, and I swear to God I want to fucking kill your motherfucking husband" he spat angrily.  
I just sighed "me too."   
"Look, baby, hardly anyone would have actually-" he started and I rolled my eyes.  
"C'mon, be real" I sighed and he surprised me by grabbing me and pulling me into his lap, making me listen to him.  
"You look amazing, though" he murmered.  
I blushed "that's-"  
"Not the point, I know. But baby, you do. And we look so fucking good together" I could see he was trying to placate me, but I was going to struggle with that for a while, despite the things he was saying to me.  
"You can't deny that" he tugged me closer to him, stroking my hair "and if he watched it then good. I hope he fucking got off watching me making you mine".  
I couldn't help but sigh at that, my heart thumping a little. Only he could turn me on in any situation.   
"I'm not-" I retorted.  
"You are. You're mine" he smirked naughtily, kissing me, trying to reel me in and reconnect with me, knowing we would both be beyond miserable if we didn't.   
"You think sticking your dick in me makes me yours?" I teased and he grinned "no, but doing it in three different positions does"   
I tingled. He was referencing the video.   
I appreciated him trying to change my view on it, but I already knew what his was when I'd caught him steaming on his bedroom floor, and nothing could properly take my into the fantasy whereby he didn't give a fuck. But did I want to ruin that for him? No.   
"I love you" I whispered against his lips and he squeezed me, positioning us on the sofa so I lay against him, chatting idly in safe territory with a movie running in the background, a silence falling as both of us were clearly very much in our heads.   
"This is our first domestic night" I said, not wanting the outside world to ruin our moments together.   
"Yeah, I guess it is. I have no idea what I've been doing this whole time" I felt him kiss the back of my head and I felt so much love, trying my best to forget everything for as long as possible. Avoidance was a skill of mine and I intended to exploit it until it's very end.   
"I...I'm sorry about the drinking.." he started but I turned to him and reached up to kiss him.  
"It's okay. Forget about it"   
He looked slightly unsure but said nothing and nodded instead, kissing me again. "I don't need booze when I have you".  
I felt the words inside when he said that, and I knew this relationship was going to come with its problems, and I'd literally just come out of one with problems too. But that was only thing connecting the two. I was scared and anxious and I had no idea what was gonna happen, but I didn't really care. As long as nothing came between us, we would be fine. Better than fine.   
"Jesus, Gerard" I sighed, laughing tearfully.  
"What?" He whispered, caressing my cheek.   
"You just...I just fucking love you"   
"Ah," he sighed and kissed me for longer this time, his tongue sliding against mine.   
"We're not gonna let this come between us are we?" I asked as he pulled away and stared into my eyes.  
"No."  
There he went with that conviction again. I wanted to believe him, so I knew I had to commit to that. And I wasn't going to let the fact that people had watched us put me off him. Hellfire couldn't put me off him, I'd still be rolling in his ashes like a lunatic.   
Like he read my mind, he said "maybe one day we can watch it...maybe film one on purpose?"   
I shuddered. As long as it stayed between us, that idea appealed to me greatly.   
"It might be like, therapuetic. Like, be as disgusting as possible and graphic as hell and make the other one look like little house on the prairie"  
"I don't think I could ever describe that as little house on the prairie" I retorted, turned on "I came three times, and fuck, I was so loud" I grimaced and he noticed me slipping back and kissed me again, distracting me.   
"You can be louder. I can fuck you in different ways, we could 69.." he suggested, the naughty grin on his face making me want to laugh and gasp all at once.   
"You could fuck me, I could put the camera right next to your pussy as I lick it out"   
Jesus.   
"Fuck, Gerard"   
"What?" He challenged "got any other ideas?" His arms slipped round my waist and rubbed against me, one squeezing my ass tenderly.  
"I appreciate what you're trying to do-"   
"Good. So tell me what you'd do" he purred, clearly not taking no for an answer.   
I giggled and he smirked, that wonderful smirk..it would make me do anything he wanted. "Well, you mentioned something about me fucking you"   
"Mmm, I did.." he said "do you want to put those pretty little fingers inside me?"   
I practically drooled. Yes, I did.   
"Maybe" I shivered.   
"Sounds delicious" he looked down at me, shadowing my face and feeling his breath on my face. I was riled up, excited.  
So of course, he pulled back. "We should probably go to bed soon, I've got work tomorrow"  
I laughed incredulously "since when do you sleep?"  
He nodded "that's fair. I was just trying to make you want me, I wanted to make you feel special. And horny. Mostly horny"   
I rolled my eyes "you don't need to try"   
"You wanna meet me upstairs?" He asked, rubbing my upper arms "I just want to fix the bed"   
"Why are you fixing the bed?" I laughed "it seemed like you wanted to ravish me in it a moment ago".   
"Just let me be nice" he teased and winked at me before going up the stairs.  
I smiled to myself, finding my mind drifting towards the bottle of pills in my bag. No. Forget it. I didn't need them. Did I?   
I wrestled with the thought before eventually blindly giving in and trudging up the stairs mildly annoyed with myself.  
As I approached the room the feeling disappeared. I knocked as I entered and Gerard was sat on the bed smelling faintly like mint, a smell that made my mouth water. Questionably the bed wasn't that tidy but I hardly cared, joining him on the end, perching on it and squeezing his thigh as he looked at me, fingering his neck.  
"Have I still got a mark?" He smirked and I nodded, climbing in his lap and kissing it, running my tongue along his skin and nipping at him lightly. "Frisky" he breathed and I giggled.  
"You turned me on. I refuse for people to see a video of me and sit here with you miserable. I wanna fucking own it. And I'm fucking horny"   
"That's the spirit" he growled, jostling me in his lap, and I groaned as the movement started to make me throb and shift about, feeling that I was wet already.   
I pushed him back and hurriedly yanked his jeans down, moving to gag on him immediately, hearing a loud gasp.  
"Oh, fuck" he groaned and I tingled.   
"Move your legs up" I commanded quietly and he obeyed, his feet on the mattress and his knees spread so I could reach him...all the way down.   
I delved in and slid my tongue out as my lips hit his cheeks, finding his hole immediately, looking up as he cursed loudly and bit his lip.   
"Oh fuck, that feels good" he sighed, a satisfied grin on his face "ohh, yeah"  
I pumped his cock with one hand as I used the other to hold his balls to the side, squeezing them teasingly every now and then and making him jolt.   
"You could just make me come like this" he said earnestly, and his eyes told me that was the truth "just fucking eating my asshole"   
I moaned against his skin and he shivered violently "oh don't stop" he begged, threading his fingers through my hair "just a little more baby, please" he bit his lip hard and couldn't stop his legs from raising over my shoulders, twitching in the air as my tongue worked around him, and slid in and out of him.   
"You taste amazing" I murmered and he gasped, gripping my roots all of a sudden and moving my head back, panting heavily and rubbing his thighs, looking as his erection like he was willing it to wait and not to come that very second, looking up at me dangerously "you're good at that".  
I shrugged and blushed "only cos you like it so much"   
He went red then and shrugged "I want to know what really turns you on, not some pageant answer" he was still convinced he hadn't seen that from me, and it's true, he hadn't. The very dirtiest dreams in my mind had no place in modern society.   
I still found myself saying it, though.   
"Maybe I want you to be, yknow, less than... gentle" I said unsurely and the look on his face was a picture.  
"Hmm" he murmered, considering this "well, I'm not going to deny you what you want" he said decisively and I lay back on the bed and looked submissively up at him "I wouldn't do that" he whispered, warningly.   
"Do what?" I asked innocently, batting my eyelashes at him. "Say no?"  
He raised an eyebrow and I felt we were getting into interesting territory and that I felt comfortable with it. More than comfortable, actually.  
He started undressing me, slowly at first but became slightly more urgent and frantic as he had skilfully unclasped my bra and had moved to yanking my jeans off my feet, pulling his own shirt over his head.   
I was panting in anticipation as I looked up at him, beyond excited about what he wanted to do to me.   
I got my answer pretty quickly as he separated my knees and lay between my legs, sucking on my tender breast skin, nipping at me and making me yelp unexpectedly.   
He looked up briefly and I bit my lip, letting him to know that it was okay. I didn't mind a little biting. Actually, there was a lot of things I never realised I liked as sex with Jack wasn't ever special, and I only came because I used my vibrator, always telling him it just made it stronger, when really it just made it. Full stop.  
"See, I think you've been bad" he said, and the obviousness of his choice of words didn't affect the effect it had on me, running his fingertips along my panties as I started to breath a little heavier "don't you?" He asked, taking hold of the crotch and pulling it out and letting it go again, the material snapping back between my legs, making me jump.  
"If you say so" I daringly retorted, wanting to push him to see what would happen.  
"I do...I kinda feel like baby girl needs spanking" he whispered into my ear, not giving pause before taking my arm and turning me onto my front and pulling me into his lap.  
"Jesus christ" I gasped, unable to stop myself as I felt his hand caressing me softly to begin with but building up to edging my panties down, taking me by surprise when he whipped them off and hit me once, firmly but not painfully, but it still sent a shock through my body, my pussy throbbing at how fucking dirty he made me feel.   
He did it again a little harder, a slapping sound ringing out before a breathy moan from me. The sharp sting was followed by a throbbing pleasure that more than made up for it. He hit me a few more times, watching my reaction before sliding his fingers between my cheeks, exploring with his fingers, caressing, not scratching or bruising with his touch. I wondered what he was thinking as he continued to rub his fingers between my wetness.  
"How was that?" He asked, but not stopping.   
"I like it" I tried to look back at him but he wouldn't let me. Instead, he lifted me by my upper arms so I was upright and pushed me over to the wall, turning me and telling me to put my hands against the wall as he suddenly covered my body with his from behind, sliding a hand between my legs and pressing his lips against my ear.   
"I don't care if everyone watched us have sex"   
Coincidentally at that point, neither did I.   
"You're so hot, I bet some of them jacked off to you" he continued, and I was shocked by what he was saying, but I didn't find myself disagreeing. "I say, let it go. Maybe even go further"   
Further?   
"Just go out shamelessly like nothing happened tomorrow, and just fucking own it" I was surprised by the complete 180 that was his view, and I knew alcohol was contributing to what he was saying because I wasn't stupid, I could smell vodka on his breath but he wasn't drunk. Just...confident. Pretty much the exact same way I was when I was high on pills.   
He turned me swiftly and pinned me against the wall, looking murderously into my eyes.  
I let a sly grin spread across my face "yeah. Okay" I knew I would regret it but I couldn't deny that the thought of it made my heart leap and a miss a couple of beats. I didn't want to wallow and keep us behind closed doors. I wanted to actually make the most of our relationship and I wasn't about to let anyone get in the way of that.   
"Good" he breathed before hiking me up the wall and wrapping my legs around him, holding me easily as he kissed me, nuzzling into my neck before pausing and looking up at me. "Do you want me?" He purred, looking down at my wet heat and his cock pressed between us, biting at his lip and looking flushed.  
I had barely finished nodding when it was halted with a cry, figuring the position would be intense, but not realising just how much until he began thrusting deliciously slowly and watching my body's movements, as usual struck by how erotic and sexy and rutting he was and how he knew precisely how to work me and tease me until I was entirely under his spell, feeling like if we could make love with as much conviction as we did, then we shouldn't have to hide in the shadows.   
When I thought about it, I knew I didn't give a fuck, and where some of my friends were people I didn't ever wish to compromise, I knew my true ones would have my back. I didn't need faker friends who said they associated with me but really didn't know a goddamn thing about me. Breaking up with Jack reinforced and fed that very opinion, especially considering how vile he had been, and realising that he didn't know me at all, and how the hell is life long enough to make mistakes in regard to something as big as who you want to spend the rest of your life with.   
I was singing his praises in my head as I watched his desperate sweating face fall apart in the most beautiful way, a hand bracing against the wall as he fucked me like there wasn't going to be any more opportunities to do so. I shuddered, imagining exactly how he might actually have his way with me if there genuinely wasn't another opportunity.  
"Fuck, Gerard, yes" I cried out encouragingly and he blushed hard, his large cock pushing hard up against my g-spot, gravity making it so intense I didn't know if I could take it. But I sure as hell would do it, the pleasure far too indulgent and heated to rush or stop.  
My legs were hanging helplessly around him and started to jerk a little as my head fell back against the wall, only able to cling on to him as well as I could, now not wanting him to ever stop and to stay on the pre-orgasm train that was about to arrive. Hard.   
"Stevie!" He growled, gasping as I felt his thighs tense, eager to get me off, and I was almost there...almost..  
"Fuck!!" My legs trembled again and I gasped loudly, unable to be anything even related to quiet and subtle.   
"Oh, God..." He moaned loudly, feeling me squeeze his cock with my contractions as a fucked-out smirk crept onto my face as I rode out my culmination, crying out once again and the last time, feeling him throb and empty inside me.  
A gradual silence fell which was only punctuated by our breathing, barely noticing Gerard carrying me to the bed and lay me down, gazing up at him as I felt the urge to sleep wash over me suddenly.   
He slid in besides me and took me in his arms, kissing me on the top of my head.   
"I'll be back at like, one thirty tomorrow"   
The domesticated tone that had injected itself into our conversations made me feel a little scared, but I wouldn't have changed it. None of it.   
I snuggled into his chest "okay"  
"I'll bring some lunch home" he said tiredly before kissing my head once more before settling and falling silent.   
Home. Wow. Was I ready for a new home? Or one with him? I knew I wanted to, and badly. So that's all that mattered to me, and his body curled around mine in bed with undeniable chemistry and a seemingly unbreakable bond.   
I dared not to let my heart swell with joy as I felt deep down like I was inherently ultimately unlovable, and that he would come to realise that in time. Hopefully my undying love for him would be enough to save us when he Inevitably came into connect with my dark side. Not a 'messy' dark side which so far id seen only consisted of him drinking too much at times. No, I had other demons, ones that I felt like I would reject Gerard's help when he offered it me, if ever he did, even though he clearly could relate.   
As I started to drift off to sleep, my last thought considered whether it was wise go out where I'd probably see friends and non-friends and drink out of anxiety and end up not giving a fuck and grinding with him on the dancefloor, letting loose and shedding some of the stress that had been plaguing me. And maybe if we bought drinks together he might not overtake me and get into major inebriation fueled fights with others and instead, focus his passion into filth and into me.   
It was an entirely unpredictable and risky. But being with him gave me a confidence in didn't even know I had.


	14. Light Up

I had every intention of running errands all morning and getting back the same time he did, but the only thing I had time for when I had dragged my sorry ass out of bed was a trip to the pharmacy for my anti-depressants. It was then that my phone vibrated and I was perked up a little seeing my best friend's name on the screen.  
"Hey" I greeted warmly, taking a seat on the wall so I could focus and not be distracted or hit by a vehicle.   
"Hey girl. Sorry I didn't return your calls, I've been having one of those weeks, though I'm sure you can relate" she sounded a little tired so I figured that made complete sense.  
"I'm sorry. I've been AWOL too, I guess. I've got so much I need to talk to you about"   
She sighed in a way that sounded sympathetic and murmered in agreement "yeah, a lot's gone on hasn't it?   
I realised then that we hadn't had a conversation about it at all, and I really didn't want to bring it up. "have you, uhh, seen.." I began quietly and she cut my off to save my embarrassment.  
"I didn't watch it. I felt so bad for you, I wouldn't know what to do if that happened to me"   
"Yeah. It's, uhh, really daunting, Gerard's trying his best to keep me from freaking out about it, we're going out tonight to blow off some steam, you could always come if you wanted to. .?" I didn't think Gerard would mind. She's my friend so she's good people. That's how it works, right?  
"I really would" she said after a pause "but I've got something on, but soon, definitely soon" she assured me "where you two planning on going tonight, anyway?"  
I named a local, a small and quiet place, as that was where I intended to start off, but we'd doubtlessly end up showboating at the club.  
"Have fun. And I'll speak to you soon, okay?"  
"Okay, Bet. You too, speak soon"  
When I hung up, all I could think about was Gerard showboating would probably mean he would wear one of his outfits that always made him stand out. Some days he'd looked like he'd been dragged through a hedge but when he got it right, man did he get it right.   
I almost smacked a bitch when someone started chatting him up at prom because he looked so incredible that they didn't realise he was a nerd. And he was my nerd and I didn't share.   
I knew there was a chance that he thought of me that way too, even if it was a thought I couldn't quite completely fathom, so perhaps it'd be fitting for me to wear something eye-catching too.   
I wasn't normally the world's biggest drinker but I already knew than when the time rolled around that if be pounding them and feeling up my boyfriend in the corner, watching him flash me one of his gorgeous smiles.  
I was back later than him only by a little, closing the door and wandering in to find him bent over the kitchen table, not even trying to resist the urge to smack his tight butt. He'd obviously found some personal motivation because as well as the comic books I expected him to come back with, he also had a new t-shirt that I knew was going to look hot on him just by clocking it on the kitchen table. He was going all out. I could hardly contain myself.   
As he told me about his day he pulled out another item from a bag and handed it to me. I was confused for a second, wondering whether he just wanted me to hold it or something, until he smiled warmly and told me it was a gift.   
I gave him the side eye as I carefully unwrapped the tissue paper and opened it out. It was a print of one of my favourite art prints on a t-shirt dress. I vaguely remembered telling him about it when I was high, and I was taken aback by how attentive and generous he was.   
"Gerard, wow. Thank you. I love it" I placed it down on the table and pulled him down for a kiss, curling my arms around him and squeezing him. I felt incredibly lucky.   
"See, I remember things!" He grinned and I could help but grin too.   
"I need do give you something in return"   
"Honestly, Stevie-" he started, leaning against the table "I just want you to be yourself. That's why I bought it. You love things that you won't let yourself try, and I think it's a shame because you're so amazing"   
Wow. I wasn't expecting that. It made me look at myself in an entirely different way, even if just for a few moments. I'd not felt like that in time. In fact, my fashion sense was lazy, I tend to wore the same beat-out red checked shirt and jeans, either wearing a bandana or with my hair messy and pushed back. I had some interesting clothes I bought before I married Jack, and I'd had the sense to keep them, and did wear them on occasion. Maybe Gerard was right and I needed to start embracing myself again. Maybe that would be a step towards stopping relying on painkillers, a sense of identity making me feel stronger in myself.  
"Thank you" I whispered.  
He just winked and put the food on the table which, to my delight, was nachos.   
"Damn boy, you know the way to a girl's heart" I sat down and opened a bottle of water as he ran upstairs to put the clothes in the bedroom, noticing amidst my relaxed state, I could fear the nerves shining through like a lighthouse that was there to remind me: don't get comfortable, there is always something waiting for you..  
I pushed it to the back of my mind as we demolished the nachos, his fingers rubbing mine. "You okay?" He asked casually, licking his fingers.   
I nodded "yeah, I'm good. I was wondering if you'd fancy doing something with me"   
He cocked an eyebrow and I laughed out loud "not that. For once"   
He smirked but still looked interested "what is it?"  
"Well, yknow how you were saying about art the other day, and how I needed to sorta get back into it.."  
"Yeah" his face lit up and it made me feel warm to know he cared about how I felt. It was still quite alien to me. The only other person I really felt that with was Bet and a few other friends almost, but not quite.   
"Can I draw you? Maybe you can do me, too?"   
He grinned, wiping his hands and pushing his chair back from the table "I'll do you too, babe"   
We piled all of our art kit on the living room floor, finding it amusing that of course he hadn't put them all in one place, telling me he 'didn't always know where he was gonna be when the urge hit'.  
"Prismas, nice" he grinned, opening the tin of coloured pencils carefully "and not been used anywhere near enough"  
I rolled my eyes "I know, I know"   
"Are you gonna draw me like one of your french girls?" I giggled.  
"Maybe" he smiled "do you wanna go first?"  
I hesitated but nodded. I felt comfortable drawing around him, I always had.   
"Okay, look beautiful" I directed and he scoffed and rolled his eyes.  
"Well, duh" he thought for a second "why don't you draw me drawing you?"   
Hmm. That could work.  
"Okay then, I'll sit opposite" I shuffled around until I was happy with the angle and looked at my pencil nervously before looking up at Gerard. He smiled comfortingly and winked at me and it was enough to make me look down again and start drawing, eyes drifting back and forth from him, who was sat with his legs crossed and his pad balanced on his knee, making larger and more surer pencil strokes than I was, and I realised how out of practice I really was. But I felt the familiar twinge in my heart that I felt as I started drawing properly, like I'd kind of come home, in a way.   
When I started, I was a little unsure, rubbing out a lot of what I was doing, until suddenly Gerard's hand dropped onto the eraser and moved it away behind him, giving me a cheeky glance but saying nothing. It turned me on and motivated me even more to prove to him that I still had it, I could still draw as well as him, if not better.   
I smirked and continued drawing, rejoicing inside as the marks on the page started to resemble the handsome fella sat opposite, and my hand moved quicker and my eyes flickered back and forth between him and the page, and he had a knowing look on his smug face. I wanted to kiss it off but, more importantly, I wanted to finish the drawing.   
He finished before me and stretched his legs out after putting his pad face down on the floor, his legs open around me as I sat crossed legged and hunched over the paper.  
I touched his leg as my hand moved down the page and he made s soft, pleased sound that made me tingle. I was also excited to complete a drawing for the first time in entirely too long, ignoring Gerard's semi-erect dick pressing against his sweatpants as I moved to put mine too, fave down on the floor, adjacent to his.   
"Thank you" was the first thing I said, putting my hands on his thighs and squeezing.   
"Seeing you drawing is so nostalgic. It kinda made me feel like I was gonna cry' he admitted and I will admit that I was slightly taken aback by that confession.   
"Yeah?' I asked softly, looking up at him as he flicked his hair out of his eyes and gazed at me.  
"Yeah. Now let me see your drawing" he grinned bashfully at how deep the conversation was. I wanted to lighten it a little, but not lose it. Never lose it.   
"No, I'm the boss and I wanna see yours first" I pleaded, despite being 'the boss'.  
He relented pretty quickly, picking up his pad and handing it to me face down, quickly flipping it and pulling it into my lap. Wow.  
He had a quick-draw style but captured me pretty perfectly, making me look like a comic book character. It was brilliant.  
"Oh, Gee, this is fantastic" I beamed at him, making a show of hugging the sketchpad, making him chuckle and blush a little.   
"Thanks" he said simply, looking at me a little like I was going to disappear at any moment. I had no intention of doing so.   
"C'mon, your turn" he urged with a smile, passing my pad over a little hesitantly, hoping he wouldn't be all fake praise and pity. After all, our whole intention as a couple consisted of honesty. At least, it was going to be. It was strange being married to someone else but still trying to commit fully to someone else, despite every fibre of your being telling you to.   
I watched him closely as he turned the pad and felt my heart skip a beat as he grinned "you've still got it" he said simply.   
"Thanks, Gee" I felt myself welling up a little, a feeling I never garnered from anything Jack ever did.   
"Well done baby, you don't need to doubt yourself the way you do" he held my chin as he leaned in, kissing me as he carefully put my pad next to his, running a hand down my back. "You shouldn't stop. Keep going"   
I looked at him confused for a second before realising he was referring to drawing.   
"O-oh, okay. I will" I smiled and yelped as he pulled my thighs around him and pulled me against him, not kissing me, just holding me to him. "Hmm" I hummed, resting my head on his shoulders, wrapping my arms around him.   
We held each other for a few moments with the odd hair touch and caress, unable to stop myself from kissing him again, tilting his chin up and watching his eyes drift shut as I kissed him softly, relenting every time he tried to deepen it, making him pant in frustration. I giggled and took my lips from his. "Yum" I murmered and he laughed breathlessly.  
"I almost feel like.." he started lowly and I stopped to listen "that we shouldn't have sex until after tonight"  
I felt myself smirk, despite asking him what he meant, as I could tell why he suggested that. We'd be all over each other, temptations insatiable, even more so when factored in to a dark room with judging eyes and alcohol and hazy happiness and gin. Lots of gin.   
As a reply to my query he simply said "Maybe we should make a scene"   
I tingled and blushed "like what?' I asked, my tone making it obvious that I wanted him to tell me the dirty details imprinted on his dirty mind.   
"We'll both be drunk...horny... angry. Unashamed" his tone was soft and sultry and it was making me start to ache.   
"I'll kiss you hard on the dancefloor, until you can't keep your hands off me"   
I sighed "when can I ever?"  
"And we're not gonna give a fuck about what anyone else thinks. Are we?" He challenged me, moving my chin so our eyes connected.   
I shook my head immediately "No. We're not".  
"Good".

Getting ready to go out with Gerard was a hoot, and a much needed one at that, smoking a little weed and listen to him chatting away to me on the bed as I curled my hair in front of the mirror on his bedroom floor, a can of half drunk beer sat next to me. I had made a considerable effort with my makeup as I felt that if we were going to do this, I had to look good.   
I opted for a dark winged eye and red lipstick, which would further highlight my impression on Gerard. In fact, I was so much distracted by finishing my hair and setting my make up with hair spray like I used to at school, (laughing at the thought) that I hadn't seen Gerard since he was wet with a towel wrapped around him, so turned around to look and faltering slightly as my mouth started to water. He looked casual but smart at the same time, tight fitting black jeans with a black t-shirt, his wet hair pushed back and drying in a messy, sexy way that I enjoyed endlessly.  
"What?" He asked, raising an eyebrow, shaking me out of my horny thought bubble.  
"Nothin'" I replied casually, getting up and turning my irons off and shoving my makeup back in its home, not wanting to clutter his house already with my woman items like in the cliché movies.   
He wouldn't have given a fuck anyway. I finished my beer as I sat next to him on the bed, just in a t-shirt and underwear as I never got changed until the last minute.   
He gave me the side eye and I giggled, feeling the alcohol start to work its questionable magic, sliding my hand up his leg "what?"  
"I don't know if I'm going to be able to wait until the end of the night to have you" he said evenly and honestly, putting his hand on mine and squeezing it and moving it further up his thigh, his dick twitching barely visible beneath the denim that stretched sinfully over him.   
"Then don't wait" I murmered pleadingly, moving my hand from under his and squeezing his mound, making him twitch and moan, his cheeks flushing and gently moving my hand away.  
"I don't care if you beg me, I'm not fucking you. Not yet" he nipped me on the neck but rang his tongue along it as I yelped, gulping and flustered, pushing him away.   
"I don't fucking beg for anything" I snapped, standing and facing him. "Alright?"  
He looked slightly unsure of my intentions but still looked incredibly turned on.   
"But you will.." I started, letting my fingers drift up from the hem of his t-shirt that I was wearing, uncovering my lace panties, my pale stomach and eventually my push up bra (go hard or go home), his eyes watching me intently.  
I was about to let go before he reached out and stopped me, holding the hem above my breasts and leaning in to kiss along my chest, my breathing starting to become heavy, unsure whether to not to stop him, but resolving not to as his lips drifted down my stomach and rapidly approached my panties, gasping, his hands releasing the shirt and sliding his hands down onto my ass, pulling my hips against his face as he kissed along my navel, fingers clumsily fumbling with the elastic on my sensitive skin, my knees starting to turn to jelly, starting to internally beg him to push my pants down and eat me just as he decided to stop, leaving me stepping back a little, stunned and speechless, trying to catch my breath.  
He looked flustered himself as his eyes met mine as he reluctantly got off his knees and kissed me on the cheek.  
"Sorry. Got carried away"   
"You teasing bastard" I whispered in his ear and he shuddered this time, biting his lip.  
"We should go soon, now you're all riled up" he teased, and I felt at ease that we were going to a quieter bar before going to the venue where we would likely see a lot of people that we knew. I was scared but I knew that wasn't going to stop me from following though. I'd been torn apart by Jack and embarrassed and I wanted to turn up, show them I didn't give a fuck and fucking grind on him whenever physically possible.   
The butterflies in my stomach prevented me from eating, so I knew I was going to get drunk quickly, mentally telling myself to eat before I started pounding shots at the club. But I didn't often take my own advice on much anything.   
He slid his leather jacket on and watched me fix the shirt he'd bought me into a dress with the use of a belt and some ingenious tucking, looking at the mirror and figuring it was short sexy but not short slutty. I asked Gerard what he thought and he told me I looked gorgeous and that I could wear a trash bag and it'd be just dandy, making me roll my eyes and laugh.  
"Listen ah, uh, friend gave me something that might help us enjoy tonight a little more.."   
Where an alarm would normally have gone off, I only heard 'yes please' in my head, knowing exactly what he was referring to.   
We'd done coke before but casually on a night out, just like this. I chose not to be worried that he had some in his house but who was I to judge re using illegal drugs?   
"Okay. But we should eat something" I was nervous and he could tell. Due to my social anxiety I was always a little scared before heading out, this was nothing new, and I did feel that but at the same time I felt buzzed, pissed with Jack and embarrassed to the point of being apathetic about the sex video, ready for nearly anything. After eating.   
We picked up a burger on the way to the bar, noticing him making sure that I was okay, his hand not drifting far from mine unless necessity called for it.   
When we sat down with a beer I was more than ready for it, craving it since necking the warm one at Gee's place, the cold fizz running down my throat.   
He looked vaguely alarmed as I pounded through half of my drink, already starting to feel a little tipsy. He caught up with me quickly and after chatting about his job, I found myself asking him to the bar again, knowing that we were going to end up a mess, but not wanting to stop it. On top of that, he'd left me fizzing inside after touching me the way he did and not following through, and didn't want to wait, holding on until he put the drinks down before grabbing his jacket collar and pulling him against me, kissing him hard. I felt him hum surprise into my mouth but reciprocate quickly, shifting his chair towards mine and gently stroking my hair as our lips eventually parted, content as hell until I clocked a mutual friend, Greg, walk in with someone I didn't know.   
"Oh, shit" I murmered and Gerard looked around, not sure what was wrong with me but clearly thinking along the same lines.  
He noticed eventually and gave him a nod, his hand sliding over mine.  
"Gee, don't-" I started, but he gave me a look that quietened me down. I knew we needed to present at some point, it was just awkward. Hence the alcohol.   
Greg came over after sending his friend to the bar and I tried not to shrink into my chair as he approached us.  
"Hey" he said, and I couldn't trace any bad intention or judgement in his voice, but I was halfway drunk already.   
"So, is this a thing now?" He asked with a smirk, leaning against the wall next to us.  
"Yeah" I didn't want to make Gerard say it as, after all, I was the technically married one.   
"Interesting. It does kind of make sense though. I never kinda understood you and whatshisface.. and you-" he turned to Gerard.  
"Well, I just thought you'd be single forever"  
Gerard rolled his eyes but started laughing regardless, and I felt a sense of relief wash over me.   
"Yeah, it didn't make sense, but...this does" I gestured to us both and Greg grinned, clearly on the way to wasted himself.   
"Awww, ain't that nice? Me and Denise just split actually, so I'm on the market. Watch out ladies!" He joked, acknowledging his friends return and drinking a quarter of his pint in ten seconds.   
"Yeah, watch out ladies" Gerard said sarcastically and Greg slapped him on the arm, making him jump and me splutter into my drink.   
"Alright, you kids have fun. Don't get into trouble" he pointed at us both before heading off upstairs.   
I sighed deeply when he'd gone and Gerard grinned "see, that wasn't so bad"   
"I guess not. But it is just Greg.."  
"It's a start"   
I nodded and smiled, accepting his cheers, clinking my glass against his.   
"It's a start" I echoed, admiring how handsome he looked, but knowing when he got a little sweaty and messy that I would be close to coming undone, especially if we were dancing in the dark.  
"What are you thinking about?" He asked with a glint in his eye, nudging my foot under the table.  
"Did you have to tease me before we left?" I pouted, giving his foot a soft kick to punctuate my statement.  
He shrugged "didn't hear you complaining" he was opening up a little and the anxiety I knew he had was melting away at the same rate that mine was, noticing I was constantly touching him as we spoke, just wanted to kiss his stupidly good looking face off.  
"I'm complaining now"   
"Tough"   
"I need a cigarette" I huffed, getting to my feet "I'm taking my drink out"  
"Hey, wait!" He called after me, grabbing his jacket and following me outside.  
I looked up at him as I lit my cigarette, and passing him the pack, feeling strangely intimate as I struck the lighter and he leaned down, pushing his hair back so he didn't set it on fire.   
We were sat on the picnic table at the back of the beer garden so I took the opportunity to slide my arm around his waist, feeling his head rest on mine a moment before finishing his cigarette. I felt a lump in his pocket and looked up at him. "What's-" I started, but he pulled me close.  
"Shhh"  
Ah. "Can we have some?" I asked, my voice dropping low, fingering his pocket still, fishing it out when he nodded and smiled down at me. We had a few bumps off his keys, and I was hit with the sensation straight away, shuddering as an urgency pumped through my veins.  
"Shit" he laughed breathily, wiping his nose with the back of his hand before resting it high on my thigh and squeezing.  
"You can fuck off if you think you're turning me into a horny mess out here" I sneered but kind of hoping he would.   
"Turn you?" He asked incredulously and I growled and slapped him on the arm.   
"Having said that, not fucking before we left was a huge mistake" he followed up, his hand shifting up my thigh and under my dress, letting his thumb drift over the front of my panties- and lace ones, just to excite him more.  
I barely but surely moved my legs so he had a better reach and groaned softly. "I like it when you say fucked. Makes me feel like a whore"   
He raised an eyebrow, but didn't move his hand or cease its actions, his eyes staring into mine for a moment before he kissed me again, his tongue sliding against mine, his thumb so soft and subtle on my skin it made me want to die a little. At least it did until he whispered into my ear to sit down on the bench, off the table. Vaguely alarmed, I shuffled my dress down and we both sat, realising why immediately as I looked up to see my friends Alex and Jamie, who by their own admission thought jack was an asshole. In fact, we hadn't talked in a while because he got into a heated argument with Jamie who called him a prick and was promptly kicked out, followed closely by Alex.   
I was thinking how much they'd be loving it, enthralled by the drama, as the girls always seemed to (hence why apart from Bet I didn't make a thing of hanging with other girls). They confirmed my thought as they sat opposite us without waiting for an invitation, which made Gerard smile and subtly roll his eyes.   
"So, it's true!" Jamie beamed.  
I simply let my mouth drop open, at a loss for words. Alex helped the silence by slamming her drink down dramatically on the table.   
"I didn't think it was you at first.." she started, and a deep blush burned from my scalp down to my chest, flinching as Gerard's hand went back onto my thigh, as if comforting me.  
Jamie looked horrified and smacked Alex in the arm "The fuck, Alex?"  
Alex looked apologetic and squeezed my hand, clearly inebriated or well on the way to being so. I couldn't help but smile, and I was also really wanting to ask her more on the subject.  
"It's okay" I laughed casually, and then a surprised sigh escaped my lips with a warning look from Gerard, who had provoked the sound by sliding his sinful little fingertips back where they were and stroking me the same way as he was before.   
"Sorry," I giggled, pretending to cough, not realising that they were both too under the influence to notice nuances and subtleties. Which is what I was hoping this was going to remain.  
"I don't mean anything bad, girl" Alex continued "that's punk, right? Making a sex tape with this guy you used to love like, and that asshole husband of yours-" she started laughing and I didn't know whether to laugh too or just give in to the excitement of what she was implying and Gerard's ceaseless fingers under the table as he looked highly amused, but still a little embarrassed for himself "I bet he felt like-" she held her fingers inches apart and I looked down at the table, muttering 'I bet'  
Jamie smirked then "I think I'm the only fucker that hasn't watched you two do the nasty"   
"You're missing out" Gerard said, clear as day and my pussy throbbed, his words shocking me, and clearly impressing Jamie.   
"Confident" she laughed, pointing at him.  
He thought about this a second as he started to reduce me to a quivering mess.   
He shrugged "I just go by Stevie's reactions, don't I?" He looked dangerously at me, a smirk playing on his lips as his fingers petted my wetness, rubbing deliciously.  
I looked from him, barely containing myself, to Jamie, and I quickly nodded before moaning a little, starting to fan my face.  
"Sneeze" I explained, when really my whole body was suddenly set alight with pleasure, my hips shifting on the bench, holding my face in my hand a second as I gasped. Fuck, coming in public seemed so kinky that it just made my orgasm three times stronger, wishing he'd push me onto the table and fuck me hard in front of my friends so they too, could see the reaction.   
"Ex... excuse me" I smiled shyly and neither of them had noticed.   
"Only creeps do what he did. Fuck him" Jamie said, taking a drink "you know I never liked him anyway. Maybe...maybe we can hang out, not that you're not around him"  
I looked at her and considered that she was actually a sweet girl, and I did have memories of her making efforts with me in the past. Maybe. Did I need another girlfriend as well as Bet?  
"Well, sure" it was at least wise to build an army on my side so Jack didn't completely take me down immediately. I was gonna fight and I knew I wouldn't but if I did see him tonight I knew exactly how to make him jealous.   
"Cool" she sat back and Alex waved "me too"   
I nodded again "sounds good"   
We had a chat for a while about our friends and the general life situation, and I found it relaxed me a great deal, especially when Gerard came back to me with my fourth beer, staring up admiringly at him as he slid in next to me.   
"Awww" Alex blurted suddenly and we all looked at her in surprise, hard pressed not to laugh, Jamie not even trying.   
"What?"   
"The way they look at each other" she sighed, seeming warm and cold all at once, admitting to herself that she was jealous.  
Gerard actually blushed then, which is something normally I was doing, not vice versa.   
She was suddenly interrupted by her phone ringing and apologized as she picked it up, hearing her vaguely discuss meeting someone somewhere, I wasn't really paying attention as now, my hand was on Gerard's knee, squeezing it lightly every now and then, watching his face twitch out of the corner of my eye and enjoying it.   
We were snapped out of our intimidate little moment by Alex putting her hand on my arm, saying something about leaving and to call her sometime. The one thing that got my attention however, was Alex looking right at Gerard and saying-  
"Mazel tov" with a dirty wink at me before turning to disappear back inside the bar.   
I felt him gasp a little as he became harder, sliding my hand onto it and rubbing, making him moan unashamedly, a panic on my face, looking around subtly. One person smoking looked at us briefly but then turned to go back inside.   
"Jesus, Stevie. You're gonna make me cream my pants in public" he rested his head on his arm, slightly scarlet from embarrassment, the sight, for me, just so precious that I leaned towards him and kissed him softly on the cheek.  
"Y'know what, I just might" I winked at him and he groaned, rolling his face onto the table, lighting up a cigarette as I laughed watching him.  
So far we'd had a successful night, and we were having so much fun and I was drunk enough to hopefully let my guard down enough to take down Jack but not let it ruin my night. That is, unless me and Gerard gave into our instincts and ended up in a hotel room shaking the headboard, but out taste for drugs and alcohol were nipping at our heels, drinking and smoking like the world was about to end. I was all over him and he was all over me, and it was the messiest and most amazing night as far, drunk as in comfortable and relaxed rather than queasy and nervous and high as in I felt like I could take on the world, rather than be afraid of it.  
After finishing our drink we decided to go to the club and I noticed that there were a few people about, and my slight paranoia from the drugs made me feel as if they were looking at us.  
"Gee.." I started, stopping unstably on the street corner, clutching his hand and pulling him towards me. My sight was hazy and slightly slow, but I could tell that he was tickled too, only not as much as me as he clearly had a higher tolerance, stabilizing me and looking down at me affectionately.  
"What's up?"   
I looked up at him and tried to focus "I feel like...everyone's looking at us. Are they?"  
He laughed a little before looking around.   
"I can't really tell. And I don't really care. Do you care?" He asked, holding me at arms length and stroking a section of hair that laid down my chest.  
I paused and thought about it for a moment. "I really don't" I murmered, my hands sliding up his chest and under his jacket, touching his soft, lean body through his t-shirt.   
"Prove it, then" he slurred slightly, puckering up teasingly and biting his lip "you know you want me"  
Even inebriated, his words were having a major effect on me.   
He opened his mouth (to say something slutty no doubt), and I chose that moment to pull him to me and tenderly kissing him, noticing that he was drawing it out to make it more intense, despite his boner I felt tucked into his waistband as he held my hips, feeling him press against me gently again and again and again.   
And that was then I had my first negative action from someone. I heard a jeer initially and pulled away from Gerard to see Jack's friend Danny, who was with another friend who I wasn't familiar with. I was blurred and blinded as I felt Gerard grip me as a warning as I heard him say-  
"Classy, Stevie! You're really making yourself look better"   
The feeling of looking at his stupid smug face I do admit, made me want to take a swing at him. But did he deserve my time or attention? No. I felt Gerard's eyes burning into me made a split second decision (if you can call it that) that materialised in my swayed mind as giving him the middle finger, seeing his face turn to confusion as he clearly wasn't expecting that.  
"Off you fuck, Danny" I sneered "I was doing something worthwhile before you opened your mouth" I turned back to Gee who looked hot and bothered proud all at once, gratefully reciprocating when I put my lips back on his, indulging as I heard Danny say some smart ass crap before walking off.  
I still however, didn't want to stop kissing Gerard.   
"That was hot" he smirked and I rolled my eyes.   
"Where do we go from here?"   
"Time to dance" he purred, squeezing my ass quickly before taking my hand and walking with me down the road.


	15. Our Chemical Romance

Our hearts were pounding as we closed in on our destination, nervously eyeing up people stood outside for evidence that someone I knew was there, waiting in the shadows to test me, and I was nowhere within the boundaries of eligiblity. My only hope was that they too, were also nonsensical and intelligible.   
I knew his heart was thumping as he held me tightly from behind as we both smoked a cigarette prior to entering the fray.  
"How ready are you for this?" He asked, resting his chin on my head  
"Well..." I took a drag "I know I'm ready for another drink, so I'm just going to answer that craving and ignore everything else"  
He squeezed me with his free arm, moving his face down slightly so he could whisper in my ear.  
"Good girl.." he purred and I snuggled into his body as much as I could, jutting my hips slightly back, humming contentedly. "And fuck, I want to put my hands all over you"   
I giggled, breaking away from him long enough to dispose of the butt, drawn back to him as if magnetised.  
I stopped and put my hands on his chest, laughing "I'm drunk enough to blow you out here" I said honestly.  
He smirked dangerously "oh baby don't tempt me" he bit his lip and trailed after me, figuring the sooner we cut to the chase the sooner we could start enjoying ourselves. My body was tingling all over, still so needy from the quick, teasing and urgent clit massage he gave me sitting directly opposite two other people, my mind still trying to hold on to the fact that that was reality, getting slightly breathless, wondering what else he might do to me in public, and I was totally down with drawing out the answers to that same question.   
We checked out coats and emerged semi confidently into the main room, me scanning the room half-heartedly and Gerard not having eyes for anyone except me and the guy behind the bar, happily buying my G&T and getting himself a beer, sipping it as we looked at each other trying to decipher which songs were playing in which room. We both looked excitedly at each other as we heard promise in each room. In the first room we danced a little, but it was mainly pulling silly moves out and giggling and shouting to each other over the music.   
I truly felt like I had unpinned the abominable stress cloak that had been weighing me for years. I didn't feel the panic, the frustration, the resentment. Not at all. I felt positive for the future and at that very moment dancing with Gee I realised what love is.   
So, being drunk and high and completely in love, of course I was replaying every moment in my head that I actually had danced with him before, and the daydreams of doing so, and really making it my own moment, feeling his hands on my waist and he spun me around and tilted me back, kissing me hard. In the blur of bodies and movements and an influencial haze, I was just lost in time with him. He had started sweating a little and was clearly in a good mood, smiling at me and embracing me, holding me, letting me know each time he wanted to kiss me by looking down at my face before looking down at my lips. I found it so attractive the way he expressed his intent, and it was more direct and less ambiguous than the shit that Jack gave me. His lips were red from having mine pressed against them, including on his cheek and a little on his neck. His black t-shirt was sticking to him a little and my hair was getting wet as my neck sweat from the heat of the room and all the bodies in it, once again not bothering to check if I knew who any of them were, as I didn't care.  
After a song we had been dancing to had finished, and an underwhelming choice followed it, we decided to go outside and smoke. I was aware that I might see people heading out, but I wasn't in the moment enough go prevent anything like that.  
We sat in the corner after weaving though other smokers and couples kissing, which I knew would leave us in plain sight if the group stood in front of us moved, so we quickly and hopefully subtly did a lazy and indulging line on a ledge behind the seat, my blood feeling as if it was super charged as it pumped around my body.   
"I'm having a really good fucking night" he said sentimentally, stroking my arm "I'm so glad you're back in my life. I really am"   
My heart squeezed, warmed endlessly by what he was expressing.  
"I love you" I laughed breathlessly and he laughed along with me. "I don't care about anything else "   
"Come here" he murmered, leaning in as I met him halfway, following with a sweet, romantic yet arousing tongue kiss.  
As the moment was glorious, of course it had to be interrupted. It was halted by my hearing the shrill noise of my best friend drunk, a sound I knew better than most other sounds.   
Gerard looked miffed I'd broken the kiss, but his eyes also drifted to where mine fell, seeing her drunkenly explaining something to a mutual friend, more hers than mine.   
I looked to Gerard "she just, uhh, told me she wasn't going out tonight"   
He looked a little confused before shrugging a little, leaning towards me so I could hear him "it's probably nothing".  
He was probably right, and I really didn't feel like greeting her, even though I kind of knew that I had to. It didn't take long for her to turn and clock me, he face turning into one of sheer surprise, mouth dropping open before she said something to her friends and walking towards us, gesturing in surprise.  
"Hey Stevie, didn't expect to see you here, how are you?" She pulled me into a hug but it was awkward, concluding she'd had too much booze.   
"Good. You change your mind about going out?" I asked, but not in a warning tone because I wasn't that bothered, especially not when the love of my life was sprawled provocatively on the bench, drawing from his cigarette. I blinked and my eyes drifted back to Bet, who's answer I didn't even listen to.   
"So babe, have a good night. I won't be here for long so don't look for me" she smiled before glancing down at Gerard who (I turned to see) had an almost-fake smile on his face, getting up to fist bump her.  
"We'll see you" he said "enjoy your night".  
He took me via the bar, looking at me in a way that I couldn't decipher. He didn't carry anything on though, asking me where I'd like to go. We stood in the stairwell whilst thinking, wasting time by pushing Gerard up against the wall and sliding my hands round his waist.   
"Man, I am drunk" I laughed, but felt so free with it. It was one of my few positive drunken experiences.  
"Me too" he groaned, laughing a little "and I'm so high on you"  
I was about to look up and grin when we heard footsteps, not initially alarmed until I looked up and saw Jack. Fucking Jack.   
We all stopped a minute, but I felt Gerard tense hard, seeing his fists clench out of the corner of my eye. We weren't sure who was going to break the silence but of course it had to be Jack.  
"This looks healthy" he commented condescendingly, and I had to stop myself from wanting to deck him immediately.  
"What the fuck do you want?" I was surprised to hear Gerard respond first, feeling the hate radiating off him.   
"Nothing, just figured that the drunk and the addict are proving everyone right"   
My eyes narrowed "what the fuck-" I started, but felt myself being moved to the side as I got a flash of Gerard while he moved swiftly towards him, and I saw a definite fear in Jack's eye as he had stupidly decided to come for us when the stairwell was clear.   
Gerard pushed him against wall, taller than him so able to glower down over him, noticing his hand flexing, and I could imagine that he was fighting putting it around his throat, and not in the kinky and hot way he did with me sometimes.   
I didnt protest but I did approach them, wanting to ensure that Gerard didn't do anything that might lead to him being taken away from me.   
Jack was mustering his bravest look for someone who was in a compromising position, and i knew how pathetic he really was, and figuring that if karma was a thing, that he know what if was like to be laid out. And not in the good way.   
"Where the fuck do you get off sharing that video?" He challenged, managing to keep his voice below a shout, though looking like he wanted to scream in his face.   
"You have no proof of that" was his comeback.  
Gerard was standing in front of Jack but he wasn't laying hands on him, but keeping him from moving anywhere. I couldn't deny that it was making me feel dirty, a mess of my own life culminating in a stand off before me. I'd done most of this, I should be the one standing off with him.   
"Gee..he's not worth it" I murmered, and he glanced back but clearly wasn't done.   
"Did you watch it at least? Did you see what actual pleasure looks like?" He had seemingly morphed into a huge jealous, seething monster, and it scared me but turned me on simultaneously.  
Jack just rolled his eyes, and this just spurred him on.  
"Did you see how hard I made her cum? And how many times? And that's not even the best sex we've had. That was just a fucking warm up"  
I couldn't see his face but the intensity in his voice was enough to give me an idea of what it might look like. However, Jack couldn't hide the jealousy on his face, but still said nothing. Funny how he had a lot to say to me but nothing at all to the bigger guy who had him against the wall.   
"You're not gonna get a reaction out of me" he said what he thought was stoically, but missed the mark by miles.   
"I'll get one if I fucking knock you out" Gerard slammed his fist against the wall next to Jack's head and my heart jumped a little. Shit. Funnily enough, Jack flinched and I snorted, which seemed to bring Gerard out of his haze of rage, making him take a pause.   
"Stay away from my girl." He said finally, backing away as people started to come up the stairs.   
He scoffed this time "you don't know her very well if you think she appreciates you saying you own her"   
For a drunken person, that statement was quite direct and took me entirely by surprise. After thinking for a moment of what the answer to it truly was, I pushed Gerard to the side and took his place in front of Jack, watching the people that had come up the stairs leave onto the smoking deck.   
I looked at him and that enough was ample justification to vomit.   
"You wouldn't know. You've never felt love."   
I knew what I was saying was true.   
He rolled his eyes "and I'm guessing this shit storm is true love" he gestured between us both and I raised an eyebrow.   
"Let's hope it is, because he might need your support soon" he pushed past me this time and I turned to watch him.  
I didn't know what to say to that, and clearly neither did Gerard who had come straight to my side, looking down at me confused.   
He started to leave but stopped as he went to push through the door "oh, videos can be edited by the way. I hope you like it rough"   
Gerard's face fell and he went straight after him, pushing through the door after him.  
Alarmed and sickened, I went after them both, but people had moved across to come back inside and I couldn't see either of them.   
"Gee!" I shouted, my voice shrill and a little panicked, catching the attention of the people in front of me, not even realising one of them was Bet until she took my arm and pulled me to the side.   
I wasn't upset, but she could see I was shaken. "What's going on?"   
"I uhh.." I was about to spill every sordid detail, but something inside me made me stop myself from doing so. "I'm fine, Gerard just came out for a cigarette and he left the lighter" I lied on my feet, pulling my clipper out of my pocket.   
She clearly didn't believe a word of it, and I didn't know why. But she didn't. And I wasn't about to change my mind and spill. There was enough confusion occuring, and I didn't want to go flapping my lips before I'd had a chance to think. I realised I must be sobering up so I quickly put on a few affectations to make it seem as if I was steaming, stumbling and grabbing her arm.   
"Sorry, it's been a messy night, been a while since we've been out, yknow what it's like" I drawled and she rolled her eyes, smiling a little "I do know what that's like. It must be kinda crazy what with your first night out with your new bae"   
I smiled. I had her onside now. I didn't want her to know about the drama that may or may not be occurring with Gerard as I didn't want to burden her and, to be completely honest, I didn't want to tarnish it's appearance any more than it had been already. Plus, I was a bit pissed with her for lying to me about going out in the first place. Why would she lie?   
I shook my head. That could all wait til later. For now, I needed to find Gerard.   
I broke away from Bet after a beat and followed his footsteps, ending up in the main room with them nowhere in sight. I saw a few people I knew, but they were both friends with me and Jack and, well, I wasn't really going to know who's side they were on. I could be told that friends don't take sides but everyone knows deep down that that's a sad myth. The only exemption to the rule was true bonds or money, and I knew at least the only one of his male friends I liked was the sexy dark one who looked like he just walked out my wet dream and into my life. He was surer of himself than he once was, I never once felt uneasy around him, except when I was sat on his sofa wondering how long I'd have to wait until I could wrap my mouth around his cock. He may have picked up some bad habits, but why are people so ready to judge them and talk about them behind their backs, gossiping instead of communicating and maybe even helping. Why was that very idea so far removed from the way we act as a society? I knew the answer because I'd just lived it.   
Hate is so easy to feed and people crave being able to churn out the venom that creates a wall between 'them' and 'us'. It occurs in every day life just as it occurs in every day politics. But I was on the flip side of this, and in the most intense way, feeling the one thing that makes you turn hate away at the door, one thing and one thing only filling your heart and your mind. True love.   
Clearly we were experiencing a bit of a chemical romance at the present, but a part of me rejoiced in that. I had to lie and sneak out to have fun like so many others do to break away from their monotonous existence, or even to brighten up a perfectly good one. Unfortunately this involved drugs and alcohol and I knew I had my own problems, but the way I felt for him, I just didn't have time to even think about anything else. That's why I had to find him, I wasn't concerned that he couldn't handle himself, and I certainly wasn't concerned about how Jack came out of this. As I searched the rooms and headed for the back exit I thought about what Jack had said about ownership, and was inherently disappointed that he'd choose my feminism to attack me with. He knew how strongly I felt about it and, even worse, I told him once when I was drunk that I didn't feel like I could be one around him and he just laughed in my face. That was one of the moments I knew it wasn't going to last, and him saying it now just really reminded me why I got the fuck away from him. The thought made me smile slightly which dropped when I heard a noise from outside. I waited a moment and listened, not wanting to interject myself right in the middle of a situation. I knew better.   
After a moment or two, it went quiet and I gingerly opened the door, shocked and happy to see Gerard on the other side, lighting up a joint I snuck into his wallet that he'd obviously just discovered.   
He smiled broadly when he saw me, motioning for me to shut the door behind me, feeling a strange sensation deep inside me when I saw that he had bloody knuckles.  
"Shit, baby, are you okay?" I breathed, nodding as I moved so I was standing close to him but not touching him, not wanting to hurt him. I took the joint off him carefully, noticing his hair was a little messy and he still had my lip stick on his lips and neck.   
The new marks were the knuckles and a split lip.   
He noticed me looking and looked sheepish "that was technically my fault" he blushed.  
"Fuck me Gerard Way-" I started, not realising there was someone behind me also smoking weed out the back "I just want to see those bruised lips on my pussy" I moved close to him and he blushed even deeper, his eyes darting around a little. I ignored it, whispering in his ear "and I'm so fucking wet".   
He heaved a little, clearly a breath he'd been holding in for quite some time, nodding "yeah, yeah I can do that.." he took hold of my hand and tugged me back towards the door, suppressing a smile when I saw the guy who was stood well within earshot, groaning as he pulled me inside.  
"I didn't know-" I started, but was interrupted but Gerard kissing me passionately, despite what would have been throbbing pain in his lip, but he had just smoked a whole joint. He tasted slightly metallic but otherwise of weed and this general sweetness he always had. I loved every second.   
"It was so sexy" he huffed. "Listen, Stevie, I know a guard here and he's gonna give me the heads up if I need to get out of here.. but I just thought you might want to have one more dance before I take you home..if you want that?" He looked down at me, the only person I knew who looked hotter after partying than before. He looked so tasty and handsome that my heart pounded every time I laid eyes on him. And he wanted to dance with me, at the busiest time, bodies heaving and sweating with low lights and hopefully a good song..   
Mmm, yeah. That's what I wanted.   
I followed him into the main room, excusing himself briefly and coming back pretty quickly with a shot and a pleased smirk on his face "I requested something"   
I downed my shot and grinned as he led me onto the floor, giggling when I heard the opening bars of The Kinks.   
"Do I?" I asked cheekily, running my hands up his chest.  
"Do what?" He grinned, turning me away from him and sliding his hands down my stomach and thighs, moving his hips with mine, the motion and moment so perfect that it almost seemed too good to be true.   
I tilted my head back and looked up at him, loving the feeling of his hands all over me  
"Get you going?" I purred and he sucked on my neck before moving his lips to my ear "oh yeah" he said with intention. "so much. Do I?"   
I turned back into him, sliding my hands down to his ass and seeing some girls looking but my god, I couldn't have cared less as I caressed his lips with mine, my tongue sliding along his bottom lip, meeting his warm tongue as he kissed me, feeling him trying to keep it controlled but starting to fail.   
"Ba..baby" he held my face and looked at me. "Do you want to go?"  
Yes. Yes. And yes.


	16. F*ck Everyone Else

I made no attempt to find Bet, knowing it would take ages to find each other and I was ready to go, like, now. Plus, she had her friend, whoever she was with. I made a mental note to ask her about them as I slid into a cab next to Gerard, feeling the best I'd probably ever felt after a night out. I'd already knocked back some painkillers to stop the eventual likely hangover, as I'd had enough that night to remember the next day. But by far the most potent thing in my bloody was lust. The night was everything I wanted to be, despite Gerard's bloody hand and split lip, which too, had me feeling some type of way.   
He didn't try to hide the fact he was staring at me, his head resting against the back of the seat.  
I looked pointedly at him and he bit his lip and put his hand on mine, pulling me closer.   
"Mm" I murmered, nuzzling into his neck "what did you do to him?" I let him know with my voice that I didn't approve, but that my curiosity was getting the best of me.  
He smirked down at me and I raised an eyebrow.   
"Oh, don't get me wrong- I don't care. I just want to know"   
We both laughed, and I gently held his hand and rubbed my thumb over the damaged skin to gauge how broken the skin was and he hissed lighting. "I hit him. I.. had to, it just happened" his mouth hung open like he was going to follow up the statement. Maybe with the cause of him taking the swing, maybe what he did afterwards, anything. But I could feel he didn't want to waste time talking about him, and truly, neither did I.   
I gently placed a finger over his lips as we pulled up to his place, advising him quietly to go clean up while I settled with the driver, giving him a tip and taking a moment to straighten myself out and also gauge how drunk I was, concluding that I was relatively inebriated, but in a happy and comfortable way. I hoped he felt the same and I went into his place, closing the door being me and locking it with the key he'd left in the door.  
It was strange how I wasn't sure exactly how to describe the feeling of walking into the house as we shared it now, and I could see my stuff as I looked around the living room, picking up a joint before walking to the kitchen to drink a pint of water, feeling surprisingly awake and starting to feel a little nervous, as we both knew what we craved and had been chasing all night. I wanted to feel his hands on me again, this time pulling my clothes off and running his lips over my skin. I shuddered and hugged myself. It was chilly in the kitchen after I'd been smoking out the door, so I took a few deep breaths before shouting up the stairs.  
"Gee, are you okay up there?" I chirped, hoping he wasn't in pain or asleep. I'd kill him if he was asleep.   
"Baby, I'm just fine. A little lonely.."  
He didn't need to say that twice. I sprinted up the stairs and gently opened the bedroom door, taken aback by the low lights and the candles he'd lit. The room looked moody and mysterious, and the sexy guy who was sprawled in the middle off it waiting for me, well, it was just perfect.  
I made my way over towards him, who rolled onto his back as I climbed onto the bed, my hands pushing up his shirt and pulling it over his head, settling down onto his body before starting to run my tongue along his collarbones, up his neck. He mewled like a kitten, stroking my hair.   
My fingers played gently with his nipples and he moaned softly, arching his back a little.  
I suddenly felt his hands on my ass, edging my panties down far enough to teach around and tease me with his fingers in return, except his tips were playing across my wet heat, and I felt myself sweating now, not sure if I felt I had time for the airs and graces. I just wanted him to touch me, and I wanted to touch him.   
I paused a second as I straddled him, one hand on his bare chest, looking down at him, my hair hanging around my face.  
"Gerard.." I sighed and and looked up at me submissively. "I fucking want you.."   
He grinned, pushing my shirt up from my thighs, pulling it over my head after I fumbled to get the belt off, shaking my hair back.   
"I want you too" he had me flipped and pinned under him and I felt like the proximity was burning my skin.   
"Tonight was amazing" he whispered in my ear before kissing my neck and sucking, nibbling. My breath was caught in my chest, moaning gentle sounds. "Cat got your tongue?" He teased, but his eyes were dark. I couldn't find any words, so I said nothing.  
"Thought so.."  
He pushed my back into the sheets and within seconds I wasn't silent anymore, desperate moans gasping from my lips as he licked his tongue up me two, three times before starting to push his finger in, which, after how much I'd been teased and thinking of these moments, throbbed like I was going to come straight away.   
"Fuck, you sound so hot" he half- laughed as I pushed his hand away.   
"I want.." I started, and he looked at me expectantly in between me yanking his t-shirt off like 'this shit is in the way' "take these off" I murmered, undoing his belt, rubbing the side of my hand against his hard cock as I did so, and he was making noises this time. "Wh...what do you wanna do?" He looked excited, and the thought that I could have that effect on someone only made me worse, pulling on his jeans frustratedly as he helped me as much as he could, his hands grappling with my bra at the same time. It wasn't long before we were both naked and entwined, skin to skin feeling better than anything ever ought to.   
"Well, there's a particular number-" I started before breaking off and squealing as he rolled us over and helped me move, grabbing my hips as soon as he could and pulling me back onto his face. I didn't even have the chance to touch him before I was moaning loudly. He stopped a second and my face went red.   
"Eager, aren't you?"   
"Shut up, Gerard"   
Eventually my blindness passed from him literally pulling my hips into his face, breathless when I realised we hadn't actually done this before, and realising how much we'd fallen together down a dark whole whereby nothing was off limits. The thought of it gave me chills and made me feel sick for a second when my inebriated brain questioned if we could be being filmed. I hated Jack for doing that to me.   
Hated him. But Gerard was doing an excellent job distracting me, and I realised I'd been selfish for at least two minutes before sinking my lips around him, focused only on the hazy and fuzzy way that my head felt and making him feel good, which he seemed already to as he did disgusting things to me. And I loved it.   
"Fuck" I heard him mutter as my hand slid up to meet my lips, able to take him completely but needing a little help as he was so well endowed.   
We settled into a rhythm, comfortably indulging in making each other feel good, the stillness of the night punctuated with breathy sighs and the odd loud moan as his tongue slid higher every now and then, or my fingers slid down, exploring him, blissfully ignoring the world around us until I broke the silence, moaning around him as he brought me to orgasm, it was hardly surprising considering I was halfway there going in, but the way he was touching me was just driving me insane. It lasted a while, and he didn't stop for as long as it took until I gradually came to my senses, murmuring "you really need to.."   
Before I knew it, we were joined at the lips again, him on top of me now, scratching my nails lightly down his back, whining softly as he nuzzled into my neck before sucking hard, distracting me a second as my hips jumped and he slid into me.  
"AH-OH fuck!" I cried out loudly as I felt an urgency deep inside for him to do it again.  
"Too much?" He panted, looking down at me, his dark eyes sinful and piercing, dangerous almost.   
"No!" I gasped, scratching him harder, the other hand gripping his roots.  
"Fuck!" He cried, biting his lip and looking down at me in a way that made me feel both in trepidation and great excitement.   
"Too much?" I asked with a cheeky smile.  
"Fuck, Stevie" he moaned, starting to kiss me hard and biting at my lip, his fingers pinching slightly at my nipple, which actually felt better than it did hurt.   
My hand drifted over his ass and I lingered a second before slapping him, making him thrust harder into me, pulling my thigh up around his back, the angle making me groan loudly, the feeling so intense, throbbing and cursing.   
As he was fucking me hard he paused a moment to press his lips against my ear, sliding his tongue into me, making me squirm and giggle, stopping abruptly when he murmered "fuck me".  
I pushed him off me, moving to straddle his hips but going no further straight away, his impatience making him thrust upwards.  
"If you want me to fuck you..then stay still or you're not getting shit" I hissed harshly and he nodded obediently and rested back on his elbows, watching closely as I positioned my hips so I could sink down into him, choking slightly, soothed by his sweet, dirty face staring up at me.   
"Oh, god" I sighed, leaning my body down towards his, moving my hips rhythmically until I found a movement that made me feel like I could just fucking die of pleasure on his pale chest. The movement clearly suited him, his eyes fluttering shut, starting to make his delicious moans reverberate through the thick, musky air.   
His eyes opened after a beat and he thread both of his hands through my hair, kissing me messily "Fuck, Stevie, I'm...fuck..." He panted, biting his lip.  
"Come on" I whispered back, arching my back as it almost became too much for my legs to handle as eventually, (regretfully) I felt him throb inside me, his body stiffening as he cried out my name, holding my body close to his, desperately.   
Something akin to silence eventually descended but we evidently didn't have any intention of moving.   
"Shit" he murmered after a while, looking up at me.   
"You lazy bottom" I joked, panting still from exertion.   
"I don't even care, you made me feel so good" he was flustered still, so clearly I must have done a number on him.   
I blushed "me too. I love you, you sexy beast" I joked to distract from his flattery.  
"I'll never stop" he sighed gently, stroking my hair.   
"Fucking me?" I joked crudely and he rolled his eyes with a smile.  
"Loving you."   
Wow. He was the only person to leave me speechless. And I liked silence.   
And I loved him. 

About twenty minutes after our mind-numbing tryst, we were on the couch smoking and watching TV, eating chips. We had rested together a moment after sex but became restless and wound up downstairs. I was guessing it was probably the mix of cocaine and weed, which always tended to wake me up rather than put me to sleep. Gerard was obviously the same, which made me feel less singular about my sleep problems as I would be more than happy to stay up all night talking to him, fooling around, smoking and eating shit. More than happy.   
"I thought I hurt you for a second" he said shyly as we curled up in front of what was his movie choice, and it was The Watchmen, something I could live with.   
I went bright red "no, uhh, it was just really deep...you're big"   
"O-oh" he stammered, but was clearly suppressing what I could imagine as a satisfied smirk "do you think it would hurt too much to do...yknow..that"   
I laughed at how inquisitive he was being, enjoying the fact that he was willing to ask me such blunt questions and actually want the answers. I had a few things to ask him, so the justification pleased me greatly.   
"Do what, Gerard?" I played innocent, planning to infuriate him, for fun.   
He shook his head "you're a teasing little bitch"   
I mock-gasped and he couldn't help but laugh. "Gerard, I'll do anything once. Well, within reason. But sex, with you? Yeah I'll do anything" I said genuinely. I had never felt like I wanted to do such insane things to someone, tolerating either the half-assed way my husband fucked me from behind, or wanting to be far away from the person I'd done it with as soon as it was over. The only person ever from my past that I enjoyed and actually climaxed with was Gerard. The connection was so strong and the urge was so evident and omnipresent when we were together, it was hard to deny the passion I felt any time I was around him, always finding my eyes wandering, or my mind as I admired him and how beautiful he was.  
"I don't want you to think that's all I'm interested in-" he started, nervously tucking his hair behind his ear, and even that was a turn on.   
"You don't need to do that" I held his face in both hands. "Seriously, I feel the same, it's like something switches on any time I'm around you"   
"Me too. It's like I'm addicted to you"   
His choice of words was interesting but at that moment it only made him more appealing, like we were meant to be or something. "And I'm a freak, so.."  
"A freak, huh?" I felt equal parts hopeful and wary.   
"Well...not really.. but kinda. I guess I imagined us doing certain stuff. Is that weird?"   
"You think about me?" I looked across at him and he looked down.  
"Yeah. Even in college, I'd think about you"  
My vision blurred slightly as panicked about exploring his life at college, but not really caring at the moment. I was more focused on what he was insinuating.   
"That's hot" I sneaked him a kiss and he accepted it warmly, tucking me under his arm and holding me close to him.   
"But you know what I imagined the hardest?" He said, his voice sounding as if he was about to say something stupid.  
"Watch The Empire Strikes Back"   
I looked at him slowly. There was nothing stupid about that.  
"Yes. Yes, Gee. I want that"   
He grinned "awesome. We better watch it tomorrow, do you feel like cuddling up and seeing if we get some sleep?"   
I nodded. That sounded really good.   
We went up to the bed and pulled up the covers as I settled next to him, head on his chest and his arm around my shoulders. It was a very domestic position, and the day we had just had was anything but. But lying next to him, I was happy. When I feel asleep, I was smiling.

Sundays, in my religion, were for relaxing, and I was delighted to see that Gerard agreed, finding him with his feet up on the coffee table in front of the TV when I finally dragged myself into the shower. It was late morning, but I hadn't spent my whole day in bed so I was thankful of that.   
"What you watchin', cutie?" I asked as I passed him to go to the kitchen.  
"Coffee's in here" he waved me over.  
Making me coffee might seem normal to the average person, but it's not something I was used to. That's why I greeted him by mounting him, kissing his face warmly.   
"I take it you've not got a hangover, then" he jostled me in his lap and I shrieked, steadying myself by putting a hand on the couch next to him.  
"I do feel a bit shit, I'm not gonna lie. I went hard" I groaned. "Maybe we should get some really good food.."  
"Maybe, but right now I feel sick and I've got a headache" he pouted "you don't happen to have any painkillers for me? I don't keep them in the house? I'll buy the food later" he said, as if he needed to do something back for the favour of looking after him.  
"It's fine" I kissed him softly, not wanting to strain him or make him feel queasy.  
"Thank you. When I don't feel sick anymore I'll show you how thankful" he winked at me as I went to get him as requested, stroking his hair on return, having also popped a few pills myself, for my headache. I either seemed to have headaches a lot or just treated myself as if I did.   
"Thank you" he smiled gratefully as he tilted his head back and swallowed them with his coffee, settling down besides him.  
We binge-watched shows and ate any snacks we could find in the house, smoking casually, Gerard healing gradually, the first step was when he was hit with a wave of warm fuzzy bliss, noticing him physically start to relax, resting his head in my lap as I stroked his hair lovingly. I felt the same, and our warm cozy bubble was unimpregnable, except for when Gerard ran to throw up in the sink and I could hear him furiously brushing his teeth upstairs and splashing water, watching him as he came back to sit next to me, looking a little more alive.  
"Would you kiss someone who's just been sick?" He raised an eyebrow, smirking.  
"I heard the angry teeth brushing" I laughed, putting a hand on his chest as I turned to face him, the other sliding to the back of his neck.   
"I don't feel rough anymore. I feel good" he gazed at me, making me shudder as he stroked my hair.   
"Good" I replied weakly, having a major weakness for people touching my hair. "I remember you used to get horny when you were hungover" I started, giggling but stopping abruptly when he tilted my chin down to open my mouth and putting his straight onto mine, kissing me deeply and intensely. He tasted sweet with an overwhelming taste of mint, which was even yummier. I pulled away a moment, looking at his handsome face, dampened by the pills and the weed, only making him seem softer and more pliable, wondering if he was going to try something. I pre-empted his movements and shifted straight into his lap, feeling his arms encase me and pull me against him, meeting my lips again, working back into the rhythm of kissing that we had moments ago. It felt a little heated, but consistently so, not knowing whether he was going to fuck me or touch, deciding that I was going to make him feel good as not only did he benefit from it, as watching him writhing in pleasure made me want to come, and I could slide a hand between my legs if I sucked his dick kneeling on the floor, him on the sofa.  
He noticed I'd slowed down and pulled away and opening his mouth to say something, releasing only a slight whine as I slid off his lap and onto the floor, running my hands up his thighs before scratching my nails lightly down them, against the fabric of his sweatpants.   
He whined softly and bit his lip "you don't have to.." he said softly, so softly almost as if he didn't want me to hear him, so instead of responding I tucked my fingers under the waistband and he lifted slightly as I pulled them down around his calves, not wearing any underwear, his dick popping out and taking it in my hand.  
"Fuck, I love the way you touch me" he sighed as he watched me start to run my tongue along his sensitive skin slowly and teasingly, gently twisting my fist as I started to pump him slowly, gradually sliding it up to meet my lips, something that had him moaning like a whore, the sound going straight to my heat, as I knew it would.   
I went for broke and pushed his balls aside and pulling his hips against my face as I prodded my tongue gently onto his hole, reducing him to a squirming mess, his fingers lazily fanning through my hair, the contact making my scalp tingle, and the rest of me. I started gently touching myself as I started to suck on him again, hoping he didn't mind that it was lazy, wet and sloppy.  
He seemed love it, in fact, his eyes shut and biting hard on his lip, making little murmurs and curses. It seemed a little surreal hearing his noises and my wet sounds with the TV murmuring in the background, but there was also something really erotic about it, to me. I pulled my lips sloppily away from his swollen head and dropped my hand from my heat.   
"Gee, I.."   
His eyes opened and took a second to focus, his thumb swiping the saliva from my lips "do you want me to do something to you?" He asked softly, probably as relaxed as I'd ever seen him, except asleep.   
"No, I kinda just... Can I.." I murmered, dazed myself in the smoke-filled room, getting to my feet.  
He noticed my pants were around my thighs and smirked a dirty smirk, reaching out to slip his hand between my legs and rub me gently "you're so wet" he teased "have you been playing with yourself?"   
I nodded, letting him push them down my thighs, kicking them off after grabbing the condom I'd stashed in the pocket, tearing it open and throwing the wrapper and sitting next to him.  
"You gonna put it on for me? That'd be hot" he purred, his dick twitching as he spoke.   
"I could always...not put it on" I breathed "I do use contraceptive pills"   
He just looked at me, the idea of me riding him bareback not clouding his judgement "it's your body, whatever you want baby" he starting rubbing my nipple though my thin t-shirt, which was enough to have me drop the condom on the table and climb into his lap, him between my thighs, feeling his cock rub against my wetness, hypnotized as he gently rocked my hips back and forth, his hot length sliding along between my lips and to my clit, making me moan louder than I intended.   
"Mm, you feel good" he breathed, looking down at what he was doing to me and looking sickeningly pleased, the thought making me shudder and lift up and holding his cock as I sank into it, wasting no time before rocking again, again with Gerard's hand's encouragement. He was so big it was intense and I couldn't bounce up and down on him straight away, I always wished I could take him quicker, and I worried that other girls could or had. I did feel negative about this, however, only until he moaned loudly and slid his hand up my t-shirt "fuck, you're so tight, I always feel like I'm hurting you"   
Shit. That didn't hurt my feelings, either.   
"You're- you're not. You feel so good" I sucked on his neck as my hips continued to work against him, choking out a cry as he started to thrust back creating a deep and constant rhythm that had me in the grips of possible explosion, the white heat and urgent craving eating at me as I moved faster, encouraged by Gerard and paid so close attention to me that he had almost become a part of me, also making an equal amount of lusty and broken sounds as I was, alarm bells starting to ring right before started to come hard, crying out and gasping, grabbing his shoulders as he noticed me go semi-limp and semi-stiff all at once as my hips spasmed under his hands, the look on his face a dark one that made my skin crawl, but in a good way.   
"Ohh, that's it, mmm, yeah" he breathed, enjoying watching me come so much that he started to pant, suddenly taking control and thrusting into me, holding on to him for dear life, squealing slightly as he thrust hard a few more times, his cock throbbing inside my pussy and coating me inside with his hot cum, both hands on my back, suddenly pulling me against him as he came to a stop, cradling me almost as the relative silence fell around us again, apart from the movie we had running, which happened to be a part with a romantic song. The odds.  
We sat attached to each other for a few moments before I started to feel a wet leaking feeling between my legs, looking down and shifting uncomfortably.  
"Sorry" he murmered and I giggled and climbed off him carefully, excusing myself and disappearing to the bathroom.   
The rest of the day went in a relatively slow and easy way, cuddling, snacks and Star Wars. So of course something had to happen. Something had to fuck up.   
This time, it came in the form of a picture on Gerard's phone, sent from an unknown number.   
He gazed over his phone at me as I'd happily drifted in from the kitchen with two more coffees, looking so much like he was holding off, or straight up just didn't want to tell me.   
"Gerard.." I sighed "just show me" I held my hand out as I sat besides him, sure enough that anything it could be would no longer hurt me. Not since a bunch of people watched me have sex. I shuddered as I remembered this, making it live as far in the back of mind as it possibly could be.   
I was sure. Until I saw the picture. I don't know where the location was for sure, it looked a little like the club last night but I couldn't be positive. To be honest, that fact seemed to pale in comparison to the people kissing in the picture.  
It was Bet. And Jack.


	17. Fall Apart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A short chapter. BSM- I'm sorry to do this to you!!

I didn't know how I was going to react until I started doing just that, initial response being sitting there unmoving, feeling Gerard's hand on mine and vaguely seeing his lips moving but I couldn't hear.  
How the fuck could she do this to me? She always said she hated him. And she was my best friend and confidant, which now felt betrayed as I knew there was a possibility that he may know things about me that I really didn't want him to, and perhaps things that could make our divorce even harder and messier than it was probably going to be. But all of that was just eclipsed by, again, why? If she liked him why didn't she just tell me. Actually, strike that, what the fuck was she doing liking him in the first place? That's not what you do to friends.   
I knew I was in no position to go quoting moral codes, but friends is a bond that is more sure than any other, including to a partner. At least, that's what I always believed. Until now.  
I could see that Gerard was getting worried by my lack of response, so much so that he got on his knees on the floor in front of me and took both of my hands, looking up at me unsurely, his big hazel eyes full of concern.  
I opened my mouth to speak but no words came out. At least my vision had started to readjust, looking back at him, feeling myself start to well up.   
He looked sadly at me and raised on his knees, holding my face and kissing me gently, obviously unsure of what to do or say. I hadn't any idea either. I was in total shock. I felt my hand grabbing for my phone before I even realised I was doing it, but Gerard surprised me by knocking my hand away. Even though he clearly meant well, I just saw red.   
"What the fuck, Gerard?" I snapped, pushing his arm away and snatching up my phone.  
"Stevie, what are you doing?" He asked, tugging hopelessly on my arm.  
"I'm going to fucking call her, that's what I'm gonna do" I got off the couch away from the obstruction but only lasted a few seconds before starting to cry, dropping the phone on the floor.   
Gerard's arms were around me before I knew what was happening, and my body decided to give in, crying against his chest as he held me close.   
"I'm...I'm so sorry" he whispered in my ear, but it was little consolation.   
"She's been my best friend. For so long. She knows... everything about me. More than Jack" I shuddered out, my brain trying to comprehend the information and figure out how to deal with it appropriately. But appropriately was never a method of mine, and Gee must have known that, otherwise he wouldn't try and keep me from my phone or hug me so tight I couldn't move.  
He didn't respond, just took in a breath.   
Eventually he let me go, but the rage was far from gone. I needed to speak to her. I felt exposed. Again. I was sick to death of it.   
He eventually let me pick my phone up when I seemed calmer, and sat me down next to him on the couch.   
"What are you going to say?" He asked quietly.  
"I'm going to ask her to meet me. I want to hear the truth from her"   
He looked mildly alarmed, and his raised eyebrow made bile rise into my throat.  
"Look, it's not like you fucking know, is it? I don't even know if you have a best friend, you don't tell me shit" I could hear what I was saying, and a part of me wished the words back as soon as they'd come out, but I couldn't. I didn't have ample control.  
The hurt look on his face made me feel sick, so obviously my mouth decided to quash it by carrying on "well, there's a lot I don't know about you. There are whole years of your life I don't have a fucking clue about"  
He opened his mouth, but shut it again.  
"Well??" I asked, exasperated.  
"Look,you're just targeting me because you feel angry, I'm not.."  
"Maybe at first, but now I'm just pissed that everyone knows every goddamn thing about me, to how I fucking shave, but I don't know shit about anyone else. You're a mystery, Bet's a fucking slut, and Jack can fucking die for all I care" I had been booted into overtime running my mouth, and I couldn't seem to stop.  
He dropped his head. "We all have secrets" he murmered, and it was hands down the worst possible thing he could have said at that moment.   
It felt like the walls fell down around me, and I couldn't conjour them back up.   
He looked scared, almost as if he accurately read the look on my face, and probably because he'd made the same one a few times.   
"I...I dunno if I can be around ANYONE right now.." I put my head in my hands. "My whole life just fucked up so much this year"  
There was a silence, and an uneasy one.  
"Hey" Gerard said sternly and I looked up at him, something that would usually turn me on, was just grating on me like a bastard.   
"What?"   
"How can you say that?" He murmered, looking hurt.  
"I don't...it's not...Gerard, I'm sorry, but you've literally just popped back up in my life and I don't.." I was short of breath and feeling faint, and also like I wanted to get out.  
"You don't what?" He challenged, but his voice was weak, as if it was going to crack.  
"I..I don't know. Fuck, I've been carrying on a long time like nothings wrong Gerard, but it is. I'm scared of the way I approach life and of what I could do to myself. Like, right now I don't even know what to do"  
"It's okay, I understand.." he started, taking a step towards me.  
"Yeah, you do. And that's also the problem"  
I knew if we went into this, it was going to be the hard way. I couldn't ignore our addictions and our troubles as if it was just going to fix itself. We'd both been labelled a mess and I couldn't argue with it. And talk about kicking me when I'm down, my best friend with my fucking ex. I didn't know who to go to, but I knew if I stayed with Gerard I was going to use and he was going to let me, and I would drink and fuck myself up until I couldn't even get off the sofa. I'd done it a million times before, I knew I couldn't tamper with it, I was hopeless against it, it was a disease that occupied every cell in my body and I just felt sick. So sick.   
He was just staring at me and I couldn't bear it, I didn't want to hurt him but I needed to think about myself. And I didn't want to drag him down with me. This wasn't his problem. I didn't want to burden him with it all.  
"Gerard. I love you" I said, stepping towards him, but this time he backed off.  
"What are you about to say?" He asked, gulping and looking as if he was welling up. "I can get better, I know I can. I'll stop drinking"  
He knew. "I can't...I can't risk it. Gerard, I love you but I can't risk it"   
I was sobbing now, holding my face in my hands, feeling touched in the head for telling the best thing that's ever happened to me that I needed to be away from him.  
"Please.." he sobbed, and my heart just tore in two. I didn't ever want to hear him sound like that again. I couldn't take it. Any of it. The video, my best friends betrayal and my constant battle with the addiction that had taken over my life. I couldn't go to my parents and I couldn't stay at Gerard's. Not for now, anyway.   
He sat on the couch staring at the wall as I went to shove things in a bag, trying to ignore the heartache that had dominated my entire being. I was in so much pain I knew no amount of oxy would ever fix it. Nothing would. But I didn't want to break anyone.   
"Where are you going?" He asked from the couch without turning around, sounding like he'd had the life drained out of him.   
"I'll..I'll be safe, Gerard. I'll probably get a hotel"  
He didn't respond, and I felt another sob rising in my chest, fighting the urge to go up behind him and just wrap my arms around him. But I knew I wouldn't let go. And I needed to.   
"I love you so, so much" I murmered, and that was the last thing I said before I left, my heart in shreds, sobbing uncontrollably as I blindly called a cab company, trying to sound legible through my grief.   
I didn't even feel like I was living as I checked into a hotel on the other side of town, genuinely feeling like I wanted to go straight out the window as I made my way into the room, recognising that this was straight up the worst I'd ever felt. I was scared of what I might do as the urgency was blind and tattooed on my being, my hands clenching and unclenching as I threw myself face first onto the bed.  
What did I just do? He was the love of my life and I just walked out of his house.  
I had the sudden urge to call him, but kept my arm anchored under the pillow.  
I hadn't thought this through. There were no distractions apart from the TV and the minibar.  
After attempting to watch some garbage on TV, my head was ticking over even louder, so loud I felt as if it might deafen me if it continued, suddenly getting the urge to swallow half my pill stash and just float in limbo on the bed for as long as humanly possible. The urge took over and I was sat with them in my hand, properly looking at what I was doing to myself, but the urge to follow through and throw them down my throat impossible to ignore.  
Ten pills and three miniatures later, I was left feeling numb and slightly scared. If something did happen to me, no one was going to know where I was. I checked in under a fake name to stop people following me, and I was starting to regret that slightly.  
Time became empty as I stared up at the ceiling, having absolutely no idea where I was going from here. I only knew that I didn't want to move from this room.   
I could feel my phone buzz but felt too physically exhausted to pick it up. My overwhelming emotions and the pain from my hurt, alongside the pills and the alcohol had left me non-responsive to even myself.  
I stared at the screen in the dark, feeling as if I moved an inch then the game would be over.   
I tried my hardest to push everything to the back of my mind but I knew that when I woke up in the morning that there was going to be pure unfiltered anguish running through my veins, and it almost made me cry to think about it. And to think about how Gerard must be feeling, praying to no-one that he wouldn't take it too hard and start pounding the booze. Or, was I a fool and he didn't really love me, I was just a happy circumstance that appeared at the right time. He was gorgeous and giving, he wouldn't have any problem finding another girl if he only tried. But they wouldn't know him like I do. And I knew him so well. He really was my everything. I choked a sob back before giving up and silently letting the tears stream down my face, a waterfall of misery drowning me in my island bed.   
I had no idea what I was going to do. At all. I just knew some of it was going to have to be on my own, and I trusted myself even less than I trusted Bet right now. I didn't even know where to start with that. How long had it been? How long had she lied? Was she seeing him at the wedding reception as she consoled me at the table. Did she tell Jack herself? The worries circulated my mind like a whirlwind, leaving me in a dreadful mindset.   
After a while, my thoughts started to make no reasonable sense which I knew was a precursor to falling asleep, feeling glad for the first time that evening.   
I was glad to sleep.


	18. So Many Feelings

When I woke, I was so disoriented.   
I had no idea what the time was, but I knew it was at least morning due to the light streaming through the cracks in the curtains. And they hurt to even look towards, let alone at.  
I sighed heavily, aware of a pounding in my temples which warned me of an oncoming migraine, scrambling in my bag for my sunglasses, remembering faintly that I predicted this might happen as I was stuff my items into my bag before I left in a haste.  
When I was stressed and under pressure, it was like a switch flicked in my brain which caused a reaction that consisted of my brain going into meltdown in the most painful way possible. I also had them often after abusing pills heavily for a prolonged period, and that was exactly the position I was in.  
In a way, I was glad of it, and I had absolutely never been glad to have a migraine, but at least it meant there would be no place in my mind for any other focus, and in a way I felt like I deserved it. I was just an unholy mess that was narrowly avoiding a trip to rehab.   
I had a wet flannel on my head as I writhed on the bed, the pain singing my synapses and leaving me squirming in agony. I had to take pills to battle the pain, and the poetic justice was that painkillers didn't work half as well on me due to my extremely high tolerance.   
I couldn't even reach for my phone, let alone look at it. I decided after a beat that it was going to be ignored for as long as it was ignored, and that was the way it was going to be. To add insult to injury though, I knew I couldn't smoke weed in the room, and that was the one thing that gave me even a remote chance of not passing out due to the pain, knowing that I would end up doing, using my wits to find a loophole. Except my wits were wildly out of reach as the only thing that I could think was of how much pain I was in, a white blindness blanketing my brain.  
It took a while to get to that stage whereby the blanket was being slowly lifted and, what must have been at least four hours later, I was smoking in the en suite with the shower spraying heat and creating condensations that dampened the smell of the marijuana. My brain was truly a no-mans land at this point, no information showing, no thoughts occuring and no signs of life.  
I flopped down on the bed and my eyes flickered a little, but I knew I was still in too much pain to sleep yet.   
I surrounded myself with the plaintive low white noise from a movie on the TV and curled up in a foetal position in the middle of the bed, the flannel still sticking wetly to my forehead as if it had become at one with me. A thought occured to me then how much easier it would be to date a flannel than a human being, but really I was just avoiding thinking about Gerard at all costs, my heart taking a stabbing pain any time I thought of anything Gerard adjacent, feeling my eyes well up again.  
I knew I had conversations to have and decisions to make, but I knew that I had to let myself recover first, and the migraine was a way of telling me exactly that, to slow down and recharge. I necked as much water as I could, thankful the bathroom water was drinkable. I knew I needed to eat to soak up all the crap inside me, but I didn't have the forethought to buy anything at all, and I certainly wasn't taking Gerard's stuff before just ghosting him so viciously.   
My heart hurt again as I thought about him. I'd give anything to be in his arms again, but I knew that put me in a dangerous position.  
The irony of it all was that it took Gerard for me to realise that I myself was important, as he continuously reminded me. I didn't love him less because of all this, it only made me love him more. God. I loved him so much it was tearing up my insides, and I'd only ever felt that sensation once before and that was when he left me the first time.   
Being that deep with someone terrified me as, in a way. I'd gotten used to the domestic life where everyone is expected to hate each other, the normality of a world I thought had passed.  
See, on top of the drama that was my unfolding life and being an addict, I had always had a close connection with the earth and with community and with people, and every news story I read, ever passing comment people made, every political belief intended to corrupt the very nature of humankind...I just couldn't. When we were growing up, we played outside and inside too, but we got out there and did things, and I could feel myself being sucked away from that as if at warp speed, as my depression left me completely defenseless against my emotions. I was just an empty shell at this point. No job, no house, no car no partner.  
I was just me. And now stuck in a hotel room on the brink of my own existence looking down.  
I pondered this a while as I ate my takeaway danish, needing nothing more than eating complete carb-filled crap whilst sprawled on a bed, none of the guilt of responsibility on my shoulders. Apart from Gerard.  
I wanted to and didn't want to speak to him in equal measures, as it would mean I would get to speak to him, but he also might try and coax me back, and I wasn't ready. That, and I couldn't trust myself not to give in to his voice. I was also a bit shaken by something that he said, and I hadn't had the chance to process it yet, as barrages of other wild fears came first.   
"Everybody has secrets"   
What did that mean? Nothing about his personal life was secretive, we knew that much. So what did he mean? I shook my head and rolled my eyes, wondering how I ended up judging him, when I was the one who fucked up in the first place. But at the same time, his drinking was excessive. I didn't mention it much just because I enjoyed his company and didn't want to pull the rug out on us so early, especially when I'd left someone to be with him. I knew it was a risk all along, and I was now reaping the fallout. He wasn't always drunk, but there was a tugging on my heartstrings that asked "why do you need to?" when I was around him, but at the same time, why did I need to? I didn't, and I couldn't stop.  
Addiction is a potentially fatal disease and I wasn't about to risk either of us. In a way I wanted to protect him more than I did myself, I wouldn't be that much of a loss but Gerard, he was singular. He was sensitive, thoughtful, inherently caring, an amazing kisser, lover and best friend.  
Oh, there I went again crying. Except this time it wasn't looking like I was going to stop at all. So I didn't. I sat on the bed with my head in my hands crying so hard I almost gave myself hiccups from sobbing so helplessly. Oh God. This wasn't how this was supposed to go. But there wasn't a plan, an idea, a rule book.  
My mind was stewing phosphorus bile, searching through it to try and find the light, to try and find myself, as I knew I was still in there, even though I couldn't remember the last time I was sober. I still had a fair few pills left, and I knew there was absolutely no chance that I could throw them away. I just couldn't. The only way would be to take them all, and even my tolerance probably wasn't high enough for how many I had.   
If a camera was watching me, it would have just seen me move around constantly, pacing, shifting along the bed. I couldn't stay still and I didn't know if I could even stay in the room, my headache starting to reside gradually which gave me a certain euphoric free feeling that urged to me.to act in some way.  
Suddenly, an idea occured to me. I could go to the tree house. That way I could be near him without being with him. I wouldn't stay there, I'd just go for a bit, smoke some weed and leave.  
After I officially convinced myself I was going to do just that, I found myself in a cab on the way to the suburbs, watching the lit windows containing happy families and the american ideal. It made me sad knowing that I was so far away from that. Not an ideal, I didn't follow that way, but just love. Being with someone just you and them, safe happy and content.   
The street was near silent as I dragged myself out the cab, forking over the cash and a tip.   
"You alright, miss?" The driver looked across out the window at me, making me realise I must look a complete state.  
"I'm okay. Thank you" I gave him a weak smile and turned in the direction of the tree, zipping up my jacket. I approached the gate, and suddenly stopped in my tracks.   
The lights were on inside. Maybe he'd left them on...or maybe he was there. Shit. I didn't think about the possibility. Panicking slightly, I approached quietly, hearing something but not sure exactly what.   
I stood at the bottom of the steps nervously, knowing that my climbing up it might alert him or whoever was in there. Was it his voice? I couldn't really hear any speech, more noises. I slowly ascended as quietly as I could, being high helping me to over-concentrate on my movements.  
Suddenly I stopped when I heard a sob and a voice that sounded unmistakably like Gerard's.   
"I don't know how!"   
My eyes widened when I heard how upset and shaken he sounded, and a bolt of guilt ran through me like a sickening tide. I felt even worse when I heard the second voice.  
"You might not right now, but you will Gerard, you will"   
I stood stock still, which isn't the easiest thing to do on a rope ladder, but I couldn't think of that whilst listening so intently. What was going on? Who was he talking to?  
An intense jealousy washed over me that I tried to push down, holding out hope that he wouldn't mess up our rehabilitation and in turn, myself. But did he deserve better? I wasn't sure about anything, but I knew the voice was male.   
I heard Gerard crying and my insides clenched. He sounded drunk, and he probably was, I was buzzed from necking the last of my pills and from the mind-numbing migraine but I also felt sickly for it, like my body knew it shouldn't be in there or dealing with the agony it did. His probably felt the same.   
I slowly climbed up, luck being the hatch was open and peering inside, my eyes adjusted to the twinkling of fairy lights and my nose the smell of alcohol. I saw several bottles on the floor before my eyes worked up to the futon where I saw Gerard, sitting with his head in his hands. He was with someone else. A guy. He had dark hair and tattooes and...fuck. It was Frank.   
Confusion rippled through me, trying to make sense of the situation. It seemed they were friends, despite Gerard not making it seem that way or even mentioning him at all, but I remembered the time on the bench. He did look concerned so it wasn't completely alien of an idea that he might console him if he was on the edge.   
He was sat close to him, looking concerned and a little flustered, feeling a flush of jealousy when I saw Gerard's hand on his knee.   
Gerard's face rose then, and I ducked slightly, but he hadn't seen me. He looked intoxicated and it hurt me to see it. He opened his mouth and said "I don't know what to do, Frank. I love her so much"   
My heart was hurting real bad by this point, barely hanging on to the unsteady ladder, but clinging on to see what he was going to say, or do.  
My heart jumped into my throat as I saw, mid-consolation that Frank was interrupted by Gerard grabbing his face and kissing him.  
Fuck. Tears sprang to my eyes. What was he doing? No, don't do this. Please. I was gasping shallowly as I watched Frank push him back firmly after a few moments of being attached at the lips.  
"You don't want me. We've been through this before, Gerard"   
What? I didn't understand. I didn't know if I wanted to. The only thing I knew was that I wanted to go, to get back to my hobbit hole, away from every other bastard in this world.  
I couldn't help the sob that slipped from my throat via my heart, and they both looked up, right at me. I saw blind panic and half stumbled half jumped down the ladder, hitting the ground unsteadily as I heard Gerard's voice.  
"Stevie!!"   
I couldn't look back. I didn't know how to. My brain was so fucked that the only thing it was now wired to do was get the fuck out of there. He called my name until I had cleared the gate and high-tailed it out of there, not realising how far I had run in tears until I reached the bridge, grabbing the hard steel as an attempt to steady myself, my breathing coming hard and fast. I didn't want to stop, to call a cab. No, I just wanted to run, run back to the hotel.   
Stupidity was thick in my blood as I ran half of the way before collapsing in tears against a wall. I was shocked when I heard a voice behind me, swiping at my eyes with my sleeve as I turned. It was a cop car.   
"Do you want a ride home, miss?" The officer looked blue but well meaning, and I have no idea what he made of me but he was clearly just concerned. "Where are you staying?"   
"Uhh, the hotel the uhh, premier"   
He nodded "okay. I think you need a ride cos it's not safe at this time for young ladies like you"   
His formality and traditional way of speaking nearly rolled my eyes, but I was just grateful to have the option, as I knew he was right, I shouldn't be doing what I was. Any of it, but I wasn't about to ruin this young innocent cop with my fucked up life.  
He kept looking at me with concern as I attempted to keep it together in the passenger seat, him insisting that I don't sit in the back like a perp. His words.  
When we got the the hotel, he turned to me and just said "please look after yourself".  
There was a pause and I eventually nodded, smiling a little "I will."  
He nodded back and my faith in humanity was hanging in a very strange balance as I dragged my sorry ass back to my room, actually starting to feel at home there, another thing I knew couldn't be a good sign. But I hardly had time to even acknowledge that, my brain was just full of the repeating image of Gerard kissing that guy. I know, he pushed him off but.. none of it made sense. All I knew is that at least I was furious that he had once again lied to me about something, as this guy Frank was clearly in his life in some way or another, and I hadn't ever heard anything apart from from the horses mouth itself. He seemed like such a decent guy when I met him, I had no idea that there was anything ever romantic between the two of them. Was he gay and didn't want to tell me? That thought scared me, as I knew I would never find anyone else like him. Ever. He was a mess, sure. But he was the most beautiful creature I'd ever met. At least, until he kissed someone else.   
I lay on my bed, my mind and heart both racing, concluding that I needed something to calm my nerves, remembering my side stash of valium, taking two with the flat soda I had left on the side, shuddering at the awful taste, but feeling it was a necessity.   
I let them work as I lay facing the ceiling, hearing my phone buzz repeatedly, ignoring it as hard as I could. I just couldn't. I was in a state and I didn't want to risk making it worse. I felt bad enough to do something stupid and I knew that I couldn't risk it.  
Even for the love of my life.  
I knew I was going to have to look at my phone and acknowledge at least someone at some point, but I didn't know when that was going to be. My anxiety rose ten fold every time it vibrated, which quickly resulted in me blindly avoiding the messages and notifications as I held down the power button, feeling an odd relief when the screen blacked out, breathing heavily and leaning against the head of the bed, my mind once again in a whirlwind, except it was more of a sandstorm, as I couldn't see through anything to properly make out sequences and shapes in my mind.  
Various ideas started to piece together clumsily in my mind, gone just as quick as they arrived into my head... Maybe Frank was his ex, or worse, he was still seeing him. In that case, why would he be focused on me? I heard him say "I love her".  
I had been balancing the options of soldiering through or just packing it in completely, the pieces of the puzzle being forced together rather than placed delicately. There was nothing delicate about this situation, and I didn't know what to do.  
Again.  
It started to feel like I was never going to leave this room, my sick pay at work covering my cost of living a hermit life across town from anyone I knew and as far as I knew, no one knew I was there.  
I felt so low and empty I couldn't help but start to wonder if it would be easier for everyone involved if I just...wasn't.   
Lying on my front on the bed with the pillow over my head, that was the last thought I had before I drifted off into what would be a fitful sleep. Full of nightmares that were no worse than my current life.


	19. Coming Clean

Two more days passed and by this point, I was starting to feel like I was in a mental experiment, my thoughts tracked and my motions monitored. I knew it was bullshit, but these thoughts had come from a place that I'd never been before- in withdrawal.  
I was living in my own personal hell at that point, but had still decided that sticking it out in the room and go almost cold turkey was better than facing my reality. Despite not being used, the battery on my phone had died after I had to turn it on in case I needed to grab it quick in an emergency. That now was no longer an option, and it did scare me, I can't say that isn't true.   
But like I say, my mind was entirely occupied by the number that coming off the pills was doing to my body. The first day I threw up a lot (so much that I turned my phone back on out of concern) and just aching so badly, sleep entirely out of the question. The second day hardly seemed like the second day due to not sleeping a wink, and my head was pounding and I was still being sick, except now my heart was pounding for no reason, and I was getting to the point where my bad feelings about anyone has disappeared as I lay drenched in sweat, wishing Gerard was okay, at least he had someone by his side. I knew I could really do with that, except they would most definitely be subject to my anger and frustration at feeling like the living dead.   
My phone lay next to me, quiet as the dead before making a noise that cut through the TV's static hum and near enough deafened me. Out of shock that the battery wasn't actually dead, I picked it up, nearly sobbing as my vision swam as I tried to focus on the screen. All I knew is that it was Gerard's name on the screen. That much I could make out. That and the battery flashing in the corner. It's almost like despite being drained, this one call had to make it through to me. I clumsily pressed the call button and shakily held it to my ear.  
"Stevie?" It was Gerard. He sounded so worried that I started to cry. "Stevie, oh baby, it's okay. Look, listen to me. Are you listening?" His voice was urgent and surprisingly not slurred or affected at all. At least, as much as my foggy brain could make out. I remembered about the battery and croaked "my batteries nearly dead...no charger"   
I heard him sob then. "Stevie, you sound..look, baby, tell me where you are. Please. Please tell me" he was begging and unashamed. He wanted an answer.   
"I don't feel good" I vaguely heard myself say, having a sudden urge to throw up, managing to choke out "premier" before I had to lean over the side of the bed and throw up in a waste basket for that very purpose. I gasped and wiped at my lips, the vomit just bile with no contents. I hadn't eaten or drank anything in at least 14 hours, the previous contents long gone.   
I scrambled back onto the bed to grab my phone, but it had blacked out. I groaned and fingered it frustratedly, eventually giving up with a whine, panting suddenly as my heart rate rose again, but my eyes started to flutter. Fuck. What was happening...? 

I came around to the room spinning and two figures in my room, one dark and one light.   
I heard muffled speech and the light move around a little before eventually disappearing. I didn't know what to make of what was happening or whether to be concerned that I was in danger, because I was so groggy, barely able to shift myself so I was hunched against the headboard, trying my hardest to adjust my eyes despite the pounding in my head which was way worse than it was before I fell asleep, or passed out. I didn't even know anymore. But I knew that the black figure at least now was a man, and he was approaching the bed.  
I curled up as tight as my aching stomach would let me, unable to really do anything as I felt a depression on the bed close but not too close to me. He was speaking, so I forced myself to focus.  
"...Stevie...are you... pills.... hospital"  
"No!" I managed, my voice sounding foreign coming out of my mouth, starting to come around to the fact it was Gerard that I was talking to. And I knew that I didn't want to go to the hospital. At all. I didn't need it, I could do it alone. But now he was there, I couldn't help the love I felt for him, despite the fact that I could barely even see him...though slowly my eyes started to adjust. First they saw his feathery hair, pushed back and wet. It must have been raining...then they saw his eyes, and they were looking right at mine. They looked so desperate and so sad, suddenly turning as the light figure appeared back in the doorway. He asked Gerard if he needed an ambulance, and I took it upon myself to say unsteadily but hopefully believably "I don't need it. Honestly. I'm good" looking entirely not good. Gerard nodded at him and he nodded back, telling him to contact the front desk if he needed anything. Gerard got up and followed him out of the room a few moments before coming back inside, closing the door behind him.  
"Stevie. I've been so worried." He knelt next to the bed and looked up at me with his handsome face, which was also a little pallid, I noticed that he looked a little like he felt like I did.   
"You don't look good either" I sighed, moving to lie down so I could rest my head near him without cramping my already aching muscles and upset stomach.   
"Yeah. I know." He just smiled slightly, reaching out to touch my hair. "Listen, I'm so sorry about-"  
"Don't." I heard myself say and he stopped with his mouth open, closing it quickly.  
"I don't want to talk about that right now. I just..." I sniffed before starting to cry "I missed you" was all I could manage, and his face just looked like he was going to start crying himself.   
"I'm here. I'm here, Stevie" he rested his hand on mine, slightly taken aback by how cold it was, the warmth of his almost like he was transferring humanity into me, healing me if only slightly. God, I was glad to see him.   
As I started to better focus on his features, a warmth spread through me again, god he was so beautiful. "Can..can you." I sniffed.  
"What? What do you want? Water, food, anything?" He asked earnestly, entirely getting ready to go literally anywhere I asked him to.   
"Can you just...hold me?" It's what my heart desired the most, I didn't want or need anything else. I knew I would need water eventually but at that moment he was simply all I wanted.   
I watched him unzip his hoodie before feeling it cover me, not even realised I'd been laying there in a camisole like some kind of idiot. It was the first thing that made me smile in a long time, and this was despite the war that was still ongoing inside my brain.   
Soon I felt him lay behind me, his body heat radiating into me as he lifted the hoodie so he could press his chest against my back, almost possessively, curling his arm around me and resting his cheek against my hair.  
I felt slightly gross, and I told him this in case he was repelled my my unwashed hair.   
"Shh, it's fine" he consoled me, kissing my head to punctuate his intention.  
"Oh, Gerard.." I started, tears leaking from my eyes "I've had the worst week"  
"I know baby, I know" he whispered soothingly, like he knew what I needed. "Me too" he choked, clearly crying himself.  
"I'm so sorry, Gerard" the dam had been busted and I was weeping openly, doing my best to turn into him, feeling him gently and patiently helping me as he wiped at his eyes.   
"Come here, that's it" he murmered, pulling the cover over us and holding me firmly but not tightly against him, his lips kissing along my forehead, wetting my skin as his tears had rolled onto his lips, his hair wet too. I pushed it back gently and looked up at him.  
"I'm...withdrawing, you've probably.." I murmered and he smiled kindly.  
"I know. And I know how hard it is. I've...gone two days"   
I looked up, surprised "Gerard, really?"  
He might have cheated on me, but I would never wish anything bad on him. I don't feel like I ever could.   
"Yeah. I feel like shit, too. But I needed to...needed to be with you" he said falteringly.  
"Thank you..for coming. How did you find me?"   
"You said premier. I worked it out from there. Did you really have to use a fake name?" He looked a little upset when he said that, realising that it would seem like I was trying to cut him off. Which I guess at the time, I was. But, everyone.   
"I'm sorry." I said quietly, and he just kissed my face.   
"Nothing to be sorry for. Will you let me be with you...at least for a little bit?" He asked gently as if he didn't want to push his luck.   
"Yes" I answered instantly and he smiled, his cheeks wet again "Good. Cos I'm not going anywhere." 

Agony was still the adjective I would use for how I felt, but at least now it wasn't so lonely and I didn't feel like I had been removed from reality. At least I hoped. My heart skipped a beat as I looked around, I couldn't see him anywhere.   
Shit. I'd imagined him. It didn't happen, it was all some kind of fucked up withdrawal dream. Shit. "Shit!" I cursed loudly, starting to cry helplessly for the millionth time that day, surprised I hadn't been drained of moisture.   
The moment of panic and fear was quashed nearly immediately as Gerard ran into the room, just in his boxer shorts, causing me to blush and look shyly away, both because I was embarrassed and his state of undress, and because I seem crazy.   
"What happened?" He asked, sitting next to me. My journey out of the symptoms was rocky, but I could make sense of what he was saying a lot better, as well as focus and center myself, which was a first. I turned slowly to him before realising, nope, still sick, running to the bathroom to throw up in the toilet, face still wet from tears. I cleaned myself up after vomiting loudly, only choking more when I tried to keep quiet.  
I turned unsteadily to see him in the doorway, looking at me sadly, coming to kneel beside me, stroking my back gently.   
"It's fucking hard, isn't it?" He asked quietly and I nodded gently.   
"Yeah." I agreed solemnly, letting him help me up and take me into the bedroom, laying me down against the pillows. I couldn't help but feel the attraction but felt uneasy breaching the subject of seeing him kiss someone else.   
He still hadn't put his shirt on, and he looked a little pasty as he drank half a bottle of water in one go. "I've got time off work. I'm not leaving here until we're both fixed. Or you leave me here, which I really hope you don't do."   
I gazed at him, feeling as gleeful as my body would let me about what he had said, smiling despite myself.   
"And I think you want me to stay" he pushed, looking slightly nervous, as if I even had it in me to properly react to anything.   
"You know I do" I murmered. "But we need to talk about it at some point"   
He looked down then, gulping as if that was the last thing he wanted to do.  
"Did you sleep with him?"  
He looked right at me then, looking slightly hurt. "No. No, I didn't."   
"Okay" I believed him, he didn't seem to be deceiving me. And it was what I wanted to hear, so I wasn't about to question it. "Then you can stay. But only because I don't trust myself to be alone...right now"   
"That's all I ask. I won't try anything, I won't drink, I'm clean, we're gonna get you clean and we can get back together." He said it as if it was a surety, and I wished that I shared his belief.  
"We've both made a good start and Gerard.." I turned to him and held his hands, trying not to look down at his body "we can't fuck that up. We just can't."  
He looked right into my eyes, a tear rolling from one silently down his cheek "I know."  
I couldn't help it, then. I carefully spread my fingers through his hair and he looked at me, eyes looking down at my lips. I had to. I wanted to, so much. So I did. I pulled him to me and kissed him slowly, our lips softened by the tears that had trailed down onto them, the emotions in both of us drawing straight to where we were connected, not knowing how much passion could be interpreted through a kiss until that moment, feeling him sob gently, making my hand tighten on his back, touching him in a breathless consolation, breaking the kiss for long enough for Gerard to say-  
"I love you so much"  
I sobbed and put my face in his neck, being pulled into his lap as he held me like a baby, hearing him sniff quietly every now and then. It was an intense moment, but it made even one loose thread weave back through its path, creating my first and only connection to reality in the best part of three days. It was a relief.   
He held me like that as dusk settled around us, feeling him breathing underneath me as we lay in the light of the TV, one of his arms now hooked possessively around my waist.  
"Are you awake?"I asked quietly, not wanting to disturb him if he wasn't.   
"Yeah. Just feeling sick, trying not to think about it" he admitted, kissing my shoulder.  
"We could eat if you think it would help" I said, mindful of my own uneasy stomach, truly on edge, the worst it had ever felt.   
"Maybe.. I knew it was bad cos I've done it before but fuck, withdrawal is a bastard" he said to the ceiling, looking drained but at least moderately relaxed even though he felt like hell, just as I did. "But I'm so happy I'm here with you"   
"Me too" I sighed gently "it helps having someone around who knows exactly what I'm going through. Even if it's complicated"  
There was a pause, and I looked up at Gerard who was looking down at me sadly.  
"Complicated?"   
"Well...yeah.." I didn't have the energy to launch into an explanation, I just hoped he knew what I was getting at.   
"Okay...but, you kissed me. I guess that doesn't mean we're fine.." his voice was low and shaky, and I could tell he was hypersensitive just like I was, and I had no intention of making him feel any worse.   
"Yes we kissed. It was so good. And I love you. That's all we have for now, so let's not jeopardize that" it took me a long time to say that, and Gerard was smiling lovingly at me, his fingers threading through my hair and playing with it in a way that made me shiver.   
"I won't, but can I at least kiss you again? Please?" He awkwardly himself to the side and I lay my head down, gazing up at him, understanding him entirely in that moment despite the unknown.   
He lowered his face onto mine, pecking at my lips gently a few times before looking at me. "More?'" he requested breathlessly, and I felt an excitement, even dulled by my mental state it was noticeable.   
I nodded, catching my breath as he ran his tongue along my lip, delving in with a mind of its own as it danced against mine, the kiss definitely considered and an active engagement, his hands pushing my hair back from my (probably sweaty) face.   
We were both definitely indulging in the kiss, ignoring how we probably tasted, because everything about him tasted sweet to me, I hoped I did to him. We engaged this way for a long moment before we had to regrettably return to taking air into our lungs, parting our lips and laying our heads back down on the pillow. His dark hair fanned out around him, and his normally piercing eyes were a little muddier than usual, but the beautiful soul that lay behind them was still very much present.   
I didn't rationally know what to make of what had happened, and I just knew I was so lucky not to be alone, laying my head on his chest and listening to him breath and feel his heart beat in his chest.   
"So. Frank." I said eventually, and his eyes closed, an expression that I read as 'do I have to' on his face. But he must have known it was coming.  
"I...I know." He said, looking defeated and slightly nauseated. "It's...he's...well, we had a thing at College.."   
I knew something had happened in his college years that intersected our relationship. I wasn't angry, it was only natural for him to do that, and I did it too, that's just life.   
"Okay.." I murmered, waiting for him to continue "I...I still loved you, I just, I started drinking a lot and taking shit I shouldn't, and Frank was actually there for me at the time. It just..went a bit further. But I never...I never stopped loving you"  
I just stared at him, not sure of how to process the information, my brain still not able to do so at its best. "You don't...have to say that. I don't expect you to have like, waited around like.."  
Tears slipped from his eyes, and it gave me pause.  
"I know. You told me so yourself, and in a way I was kind of...mad that...you didn't tell me to wait. To never cheat on you, to pledge myself to you."  
I was stunned "you...what?"  
"Because I just loved you so much. Then I heard you'd gotten with Jack, who was obviously my friend at the time, and...god, it hurt"  
I couldn't help it. I started sobbing then, ugly crying as I felt him pull me to him, stroking my hair and kissing me.  
"I never loved him. Ever. I don't know what the fuck I was thinking." I whispered through sobs.  
"Never?" He asked, sounding a little surprised.  
"Never. It was my-" I started.  
"Parents, I know" he murmered into my hair "you were always so fearless and badass but I don't think you realised how much they held you back"  
He was right. Entirely. That, and we'd had a little weed and I was feeling alleviated enough from my symptoms to feel mildly euphoric. I pushed him back slightly and started to kiss him feverishly, feeling him stiffen in surprise before melting into me, indulging in a heated kiss.  
"So what, you and Frank are.." I wanted to clear up their relationship before letting myself fall straight back in with him.  
"Well, estranged friends I guess. We did have a fling yeah, but...I kissed him cos I was really drunk.." he looked sheepish and ashamed, and I loved him enough to be able to smile and touch his cheek.   
"He's someone you want to keep around"   
He looked genuinely taken aback when I said that "why?"  
"I can just tell he cares a lot about you" I murmered "as long as he isn't trying to steal you from me.." I said softly.  
"No, he's not. He pushed me away, he was pissed at what I did, I'd be surprised if he's even still talking to me."  
I could tell by the look in his eye that he regretted his actions, and that he did in fact, care about Frank.   
"Do you find him attractive still, then?" I asked and he arched an eyebrow, looking as if he was sure I'd posed him a trick question.  
"That's a yes" I confirmed with a smile. "Why don't you call him?"   
Now he looked really confused, and I was surprised about where I was going, but surely enough I was going there. We were showered and relaxed and high, and I was starting to feel horny. Some strange part of my brain that hated how suppressed I was sexually because of being married to Jack, and the jealousy that Gerard got to experiment in college made me want to do that myself. I didn't know if I was pushing it, or if Gerard even knew what I was getting at.  
"What..what do you mean?" He looked like he had an idea, but not a fully realised one.   
"I'm asking... if you want to call him... here" I said slowly, hoping my intonation was a give away.  
"Are you being serious?" He sounded innocent but his eyes looked dark.  
I shrugged "Would he do it?"  
His face changed completely then, realising exactly. "Well...he told me you were hot. And he has an ex that looks just like you"  
I paused "wait, a girl or a guy?"  
"Do you really think I'm going to compare you to a man?" He laughed, noticing his hand twitch, his phone on the chair next to the bed.   
I ignored him, and just said-   
"Your move".


	20. Ménage à Trois

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not for the faint of heart.

It took us a while to commit to the idea, but after I confided in him about never being able to experiment and try new things, he looked like he was warning up to the idea, at the very least wanting to ravish me, watching me as I brushed my hair out, glancing at his phone occasionally and looking nervous.  
"Did you top or bottom?" I asked what I hoped was casually but probably wasn't.  
He just blushed and scratched his head, clearly nervous about giving me the answer.  
"So shy. Not like you" I smiled slyly, getting the feeling that I knew what the answer was.  
"Well...guess and I'll tell you if you're right." He murmered, avoiding eye contact. He was going to have to warm up more than this if we were going to do what we sought to.  
"I'm always climbing on top of you so I'm guessing bottom" I said, and he didn't answer, just turned a dark shade of pink and tousled his hair.  
I giggled "I thought so"  
He turned to me finally, and pulled me close to him on the bed, an arm around my shoulder. "We better give him some weed if you're planning on jumping him"  
"He might not if you're the one taking it"  
He looked down at me, his face unreadable, but of all things wasn't anger or confusion. I think he saw it as a way of permanently repairing things between us, and I had the confidence that Gerard loved me, so instead of punishing him for kissing Frank the usual way, I had my own dirty way. Like I often did.  
"Are you really wanting to watch me get fucked?" He asked bluntly, clearly not wanting to beat around the proverbial bush.  
I shrugged "Whatever happens, happens."  
"You're the one in control..." He started, gently sliding a hand around my neck, forcing me to look at him. "But I want you to know, this doesn't change how I feel about Frank. He's a friend, that's all."  
I ignored the tears prickling behind my eyes, but covered it by nodding and looking down as he released me. "I know."  
"Good." He said, still looking a little unsure.  
"In fact.." I started, and he turned to look, startled a little "I'm gonna be pissed if you DON'T touch each other. It'll be disrespectful. To me"  
He couldn't stop himself from laughing a little, and it was a wonderful sound, my own lips twitching.  
"Okay!" He said playfully, nudging me in the shoulder before pausing "does that mean I'm going to watch him touch you?"  
I shrugged "I watched him touch you" I know if was backwards, but it proved my point well enough. "Does he know..?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.  
"That you want a threesome? Yes." When he put it so bluntly it brought reality racing towards me like a speeding train. I'd never done anything like that and yeah, of course I'd thought about it before. Not specifically with the two of them, but in a more general way. Trying to specify in my head who I imagined doing it with, it would probably rub off to be Gerard and Frank anyhow, both attractive guys with sensitivity and a caring nature. My stomach lurched nervously all of a sudden and Gerard noticed, hesitating before pulling me flush against him, my thighs around his hips as he started kissing me heatedly, distracting me entirely from my train of thought.  
As if evidence towards him not being a bottom, he pinned me down on the bed and started gently kissing my throat.  
I was breathless already with no idea how I was going to hold composure with two people kissing me..and maybe in different places. I shuddered, listening to him tell me it was going to be okay, when I got the feeling that he was actually thinking it was going to be more than okay.  
I was mid-kiss with Gerard, my t-shirt being pushed up my stomach when a knock on the door made us both start, Gerard looking at me for a moment before getting off the bed.  
"You okay?" He asked gently, and I nodded shortly, eager to agree before I changed my mind.  
I wasn't ready at all when Gerard opened the door, murmuring a little before guiding Frank into the room, who looked a little like he'd been having some fun already that night. That bode well for me, me and Gerard might be sober (bar being stoned) but that didn't mean he had to be. He smiled at me as he spotted me on the bed, trying to look natural and not at all weird or awkward which, for me, was a task.  
"Hey. Nice to see you again" he ran his hand through his hair before taking his jacket off and throwing it onto a chair.  
"Guys" Gerard got our attention from by the door "I'm just going to get something, be right back"  
I looked at him with mild alarm in my eyes, but Gerard just gave me an encouraging look and went, closing the door gently behind him.  
I was half expecting to not fancy Frank, just out of sheer dumb luck, but he was cute, and he had something Gerard didn't. Tattoos.  
"Look, I'm really sorry about what happened in the tree house, it wasn't-" he started, sitting down near me but not too close to me on the bed. "-meant to happen, and I understand why you want to get even. Kinda."  
I twisted my lips "well, I'm, I mean, we're withdrawing, there's literally no pleasure apart from a joint, and I can't sleep with him with this unresolved. It feels..wrong."  
"Sounds pretty reasonable to me" he murmered, and I turned to look at him. "So, kiss me then" he teased, crawling a little closer to me.  
My heart started pounding and my pussy tingled, trepidation radiating through my brain. "So, you're like...up for this?" I asked unsurely.  
"I've been drinking..don't tell Gerard" he raised an eyebrow "but it will definitely help, so.." he got on his knees and pulled me up against him, the sensation of being handled by someone other than Gerard alien and bizarre. But also kind of naughty- the good kind.  
He looked at me with a glint in his eye before leaning in to kiss me.  
It felt so different, he kissed entirely differently to the way Gerard kissed me, bypassing formalities and swiping at my lip with his tongue, relenting and allowing him to kiss me, a little stunned initially, hardly believing what was going to happen, but didn't feel ready to tackle it just yet, as I was now half turned on and half freaked out.  
The bewildered part was shrinking rapidly, and I knew not only I could do this, but I was going to fucking enjoy it. I felt like the living dead and this was the first time in an age that I wasn't poisoned outside in, able to see through the minds eye that had been so misty and impenetrable for so long.  
We hadn't been kissing long, but it was long enough for Gerard to come back, hearing him say something faintly as I pulled away from Frank, almost feeling guilty. I moved from Frank, looking urgently at Gerard.  
He looked a little flustered, and I, nor he, knew whether it was the good kind or not.  
"S-sorry?" I murmered and his features changed, smiling at me lovingly, kicking his shoes off and approaching me, surprising me by getting on the bed and kissing me himself, the comparison between their kisses wide and incomparable. Gerard really did make me feel like no-one else could.  
He eased me back onto the bed, his hands running down my sides, pulling away after a few moments to look down at me "you kissed Frank, we're even now" he smirked.  
"Technically, he kissed me.." I started and Gerard just rolled his eyes, putting a finger on my lips and gently climbing off me, after running his hand down me one more time.  
I watched him as he raised his eyebrows at Frank who laughed and closed in on Gerard, holding his face a second before looking down at me "you know we're only doing this for you, right?"  
Stunned and horny, I could only nod, mentally willing them to just kiss already. The first one I'd seen between them wasn't consensual, and I felt a little sick that it excited me to watch them. They looked picture perfect poster boys for alternative gay porn and I couldn't shake the thought from my head.  
Frank smiled at my response and looked back at Gerard, hardly giving him warning before kissing him, noticing he kissed him like he kissed me, immediate tongues.  
Gerard pulled back a little "I can tell you've been drinking" he narrowed his eyes in judgement.  
"Just shut up, Gerard" Frank snapped, which was more of a breathy sigh, tilting his chin down so he could kiss him deeper, sweeping Gerard's hair out of their faces so I could see them.  
I did feel jealous, but only a little. I was mostly lost in the moment, and I couldn't deny that it was turning me on.  
I was turned up further as I nearly started as Frank placed his free hand on my knee, squeezing gently, a pleasant feeling, before drifting it up my thigh, a sigh escaping my lips as he trailed it teasingly between my legs, twitching in response, wishing I wasn't wearing leggings. There was a pause in sound as my eyes drifted shut, before I heard Gerard groan lightly, looking up to see his eyes follow Frank's hand, pausing before whispering in Frank's ear who bit his lip and looked straight at me, making me tingle.  
Soon enough Gerard had moved behind me, his hands drifting down my body before tugging my shirt higher, his hands encasing my bare breasts, thumbs circling my nipples as I moaned, arching my back with my head falling onto Gerard's lap, who, after ridding me of the shirt entirely, started massaging my scalp. It may sound unusual, but fuck me , it felt amazing.  
Frank slid my leggings down by the waistband, pulling them off my feet as my eyes explored his tattoos. He suited them and his dark hair made him look sexy, his face more handsome than my mind probably gave him credit for.  
Our eyes met again, feeling slightly exposed as he settled between my legs "I think you should take something off" I murmered and he was about to take his shirt off when Gerard beat him to the punch, pushing him back down between my legs after he tossed it onto the floor.  
Franks eyes flickered from my panties up to my eyes, and then Gerard's. "Is she always so wet?" He teased, his hair now a sexy mess that I was now willing to see from the top as he licked me stupid.  
"Yeah" Gerard murmered "she's fucking tight, too".  
I nearly moaned, hardly believing he'd just said that. And that I liked it.  
Frank rubbed his thumb over me, my hips twitching in response, feeling dirty that Gerard was watching.  
"You better do a good job" Gerard teased, threading his hand through Frank's hair and tugging, making him moan gently.  
"Don't worry, I'll take care of your girl" he retorted and my stomach lurched, gasping as he pulled my panties down and spread my thighs, his fingers drifting up and down them, almost making me want to beg.  
Frank stuck his fingers in his mouth for a moment before thinking and reaching up behind me for Gerard to suck on them, hearing the crude noise, hoping I would hear it more than once.  
He teased the wetness on his fingers down my skin from my collarbone to my pelvis, pausing before wiggling them onto my heat, finding and start to rub my clit.  
I panted harshly and Gerard stroked my hair, seeing his face appear above me as my head shifted in his lap as I grabbed the sheets, the sensation coupled with the scenario making me feel like I was going to pass out.  
"Relax, baby" Gerard whispered, my mouth falling open as Frank relied solely on his tongue, flicking it in the exact right position that had me squirming, a weight appearing on my hips as Frank lay his tattooed arm across me.  
He stopped suddenly and started pressing messy kisses to my thighs, biting me slightly to distract me as he slid a finger inside of me, making me catch my breath. He shook his hair back and looked up at me, his lips wet, running his tongue along them, but my eye line was drawn to Gerard's hand as it slid down my body and rested on my navel, but stopping and just leaving his hand there.  
"Gerard" I choked out, and I saw Frank's eye flick up to him, smirking.  
Feeling a little embarrassed didn't last long, moaning loudly as he slid his fingers onto my clit and started rubbing me tenderly and with Frank fingering me (which he was pretty good at) and Gerard's hot fingertips, I felt myself starting to spiral, my breathing getting heavier as I watched them both pleasure me, wondering how I got so lucky.  
"F-fuck" I gasped "I'm..I'm gonna...fuck.."  
Frank suddenly hitched my thighs up and started eating my ass in the most teasing way possible, and Gerard's fingers slid inside me, the skin of his hand rubbing against me, the friction setting me slight. I was going to come, I knew that. What I didn't know was how hard, struggling not to scream as I grabbed the sheets again and tried to control my body as it twitched almost violently, hearing both boys panting too, which only made me come harder, lasting far longer than it normally did.  
"You still coming, baby?" Gerard whispered, gently brushing my hair out my face as his hand continued its motions as I nodded, only slowing down and eventually stopping as I slumped against him, humming as the vibrations still pulsed through me.  
"It's been a while since I've done that" Frank commented lightly as he moved to sit on his knees.  
"It was good" I murmured, not wanting to push it "I guess you're more used to doing stuff with guys, right?"  
"Lately, yeah kinda. Why, did you want a show?" He cocked an eyebrow.  
I shrugged, letting him pull me up as Gerard wrapped his arms around my waist from behind, kissing my neck.  
"Well, what do you want to see?" Gerard asked quietly, making me shudder.  
"Yeah, tell us your gay fantasy. You must have one, you're a woman, you're always writing fanfic and shit like that" Frank laughed, and I rolled my eyes.  
"I do not-" I started, before thinking better of it "kiss" I instructed, laying beside them, telling them to lay beside me. The answer to the question who was the bottom was answered when Frank pushed Gerard down onto the bed, bringing his knee over his waist so he straddled him, his knee right next to me, running my hand up it and fingered his button, but he smirked down at me and pushed my hand away.  
"Patience, you horny girl" Frank commented, making me blush. "Are you sure you want to watch me kiss your boyfriend?" He gave me a last out, but I just nodded. Of course I did...  
He nodded back before trailing his fingers across Gerard's bare torso, his milky skin practically an invitation to bruise it with kisses. I wondered if Frank was thinking the same thing as he leaned down, shifting his hips back against Gerard's as he slid down so he was lying on top of him, kissing his neck as his hand brushed his hair aside. He wasn't kissing him instantly full on like he did me, which made me think that they were actually putting on a show for me. And I didn't mind that one bit. No, he was kissing him softly, noticing that Gerard initially looked a little apprehensive, so I stroked his hair as a signal for him to relax. Just like he told me to.  
Soon after I could see their tongues sliding against each other, and they seemed to fit well together, I could see there was an attraction there. It didn't bother me, you can't help who your body responds to, and theirs were responding, their erections prominent, kneeling beside Frank and undoing his pants from behind, lifting his hips so I could do so, his tight black boxers making me want to bite his ass, so I did just that, biting my lip as he let out a strangled moan into Gerard's mouth, one that increased in volume as I slid my hand down the front of his boxers, finding a sizeable cock concealed, his hips near enough grinding into my hand as I felt him up, wrapping my fingers around him as my other hand whipped his boxers down, making him fall back onto Gerard as I pulled them off his knees, his hips rising again as he sought more of my touch.  
I wrapped my hand around him again and started to jack him, encouraged by Gerard's half-moaned words as he noticed what I was doing, his hands sliding to his own bottom half, ridding it hurriedly of clothing as Frank backed against my chest, moaning and babbling nonsense, one hand around his throat holding him against me, enjoying having the power. Gerard was gawping, but he didn't have time for that, I had plans for him.  
"Gee.." I purred, his eyes hard pressed to shift from what he was seeing- his best friend and his girlfriend in flagrante. But despite all that, he was keen.  
"I want you to put your mouth around that" I jerked Frank's cock in Gerard's direction, seeing zero hesitation as he crawled over to us, kneeling and squatting so he could slide his mouth around Frank's impressive girth, but only after giving me a look so dirty it needing censoring. I noticed both that he was gagging, and also that I was so turned on, I was losing light.  
It was hypnotizing to watch him, his tongue working him lightly, intersected with teasing and deep intense movements, realising how insanely horny it made me to watch him suck a dick and if made me even more aroused when he looked up and right at me, not changing anything else other than his eyeline, meeting mine, looking as innocent as possible, which just hurt in the best fucking way.  
I held his chin, feeling his saliva drip from his lips from around the thick cock he had in his mouth, still staring straight at me, Frank's eyes shut in rapture. I moved my hand onto his dick as Gerard pulled back to tease his tongue along the head, starting to slide my fist up and down to meet Gerard's lips, Frank moaning lowly, his hips twitching. After a moment, Gerard popped his mouth off, not even wiping it before kissing me hard, the wetness of his lips and mouth making me lose my mind. He gently pushed me towards Frank, pulling my hair back from my face, taking the hint and sinking my own lips around him, Frank's eyes opening as he could obviously tell the difference. He bit his lip as he looked at me.  
I was surprised I had the mental capacity to suck someone's dick, or the gag allowance, considering I was throwing up earlier the same day, but the weed had just softened me and focused me synonymously, and Frank was getting some of my best work, partially to make Gerard jealous, slowly running my tongue along his slit again and again, making him moan whispery moans and thrust against my lips, his forehead glistening with sweat. I fell into a comfortable and clearly pleasing rhythm, hearing him start to moan gutturally, his eyes opening and hazily fixing on me.  
"If.." he started, pausing to gasp as I hollowed my cheeks around him "if you don't stop, I'm gonna.."  
I reluctantly stopped, feeling Gerard pull me into him, kissing my neck from behind and caressing me teasingly.  
Frank had moved from under me and was rooting around in his pants pockets, watching him with a raised eyebrow, wondering if he was looking for condoms, when I literally heard Gerard make a sound like he'd been winded, groaning as Frank held up an elastic looking black contraption, not immediately realising what it was.  
"Gerard, this is for you" Frank smirked as he joined us, and I moved to get a good look at whatever was going to happen.  
"Fuck, Frank, do you have to.." he couldn't protest for too long, as Frank pulled him hard against him and shut him up by kissing him hard.  
"What.." I murmered and Frank grinned devilishly at me.  
"Well, I'm gonna assume you want to have a go on your boyfriend, here. After I'm done with him...no?"  
Gerard glared at me but I just opened my mouth "yeah..I guess...what is it?"  
Frank smirked and answered my question by slipping it over Gerard's entire package, tightening it as Gee grunted in dismay.  
"It's a little something that means this one isn't gonna cum, no matter what we do to him" he winked at me and I blushed, suddenly having my brain filled with highly indecent images, and my fingers twitching with these thoughts in mind.  
"Yeah, I thought you might like that" he laughed, pushing Gerard roughly down on the bed and pulling me to join him on the floor, Gerard blushing harder than I'd ever seen him blush as Frank parted his thighs, jacking him a little before gesturing for me to take over. I barely hesitated before I continued the same rhythm and heat I'd had going on Frank, knowing it would drive Gerard crazy.  
I was right, he moaned frustratedly and arched his back, only making me want to fuck him up even more.  
I swallowed him down as I noticed Frank wetting one of his fingers, an alien thrill vibrating harshly though me. Fuck, was this really going to happen?  
That question was answered as Frank's hand disappeared between his legs, pausing before looking up at Gerard.  
"I don't think he's quite ready..maybe needs a little more lubrication?" Frank asked before kissing me, hinting with his tongue what he wanted me to do, pushing Gerard's thighs up higher as he grunted again, giving me access to his ass. I tingled as Frank encouragingly nodded at me, waiting for me. I took one last look at Gerard who was staring down at me with an insatiable lustful look on his face, but unable to speak.  
I smiled gently at him before settling between his legs, my tongue teasingly running around the puckered skin, his hips jerking hard, moaning softly.  
Frank took told of his dick and wiped his lips over the head "he's enjoying that" he threaded his fingers through my hair as he started sucking lazily on him, enough to make him start to make louder noises. He sounded fucking filthy, and I was living for it, Frank easing my head closer to his ass as my tongue flicked and teased.  
"AH, FUCK!" Gerard cried out suddenly as if he was going to come, but never did, instead just groaning loudly and start to pant harshly.  
"I think that's your cue" I murmered at Frank as he released my hair, and he smirked darkly at me, taking the condom I passed him from the bedside table.  
"You sure you want me to do this?"  
I nodded. I really did. I wanted to watch.  
I slid back, and nodded for Frank to continue, watching him work a finger inside his ass, watching Gerard's eyes roll back in his head, biting hard on his lip.  
I worked my way towards him, laying beside him on the bed, gazing at him as he lay with his mouth open, cursing.  
"Are you okay?" I asked gently, brushing his hair out of his face "you don't have to-"  
"It's fine. It just hurts at first" he tried to look at me but he kept looking away and blushing as he moaned and choked as Frank worked a second finger inside of him.  
"Look at me" I urged, and Gerard looked right up at me.  
"It just feels so strange you watching me.."  
He gulped.  
"I want you to enjoy it, I don't care if you have fun, that's what's supposed to happen".  
He looked at me again, nodding slightly.  
"I'd enjoy it more with this cock ring off" he protested, and I lay a hand on his chest.  
"That's not going to happen. Not just yet"  
He groaned and yelped as Frank obviously found a sweet spot, hearing Gerard's breath shudder, his breathing short and quick.  
"This time, I'm gonna watch you" I professed, and knelt behind Gerard, resting his head on my knees as Frank eyed him up as he rolled on the condom, and I realised shit was getting real.  
"Are you ready for me?" Frank asked, resting his hands high on Gerard's thighs and stroking his thumbs up and down the soft skin where it creased, noticing Gerard shake nervously.  
He slowly nodded and let himself be kissed by Frank, his head jumping off my lap as Frank slowly inserted himself into his warm inviting hole. I noticed that Frank was watchful and sensitive to Gerard's reactions and the realisation that that stemmed from them sleeping together previously made a jealousy wash over me. But I knew it would only add to my arousal, which was through the roof already.  
Frank had pushed in a little more, and I was delighted to see Gerard's legs in the air like a desperate whore, feeling his head sinking into my lap as his back arched.  
Frank started to rock his hips into Gerard's, most of the way in and frustrating him but jacking his cock which was still trapped and unable to come, which only made him make more lusty frustrated sounds.  
It was like being in a dream a little, concluding that other people did this, it's not wrong or sick...it was just hot. Really hot. I could easily have watched Frank thrust his tattooed hips.in to Gerard's all night, or as long as he lasted, listening to more of his sweet moans and breathless grunts..but Frank had other ideas, moving as if in a thick smoke as I felt him press another condom into my hand, feeling myself reject it, murmuring "I don't need it" as I took Frank's place in front of Gerard on the bed.  
I fell gently to my knees and took Gerard's hands which were laying limp on his thighs as he attempted to recover his senses. When he saw it was me, he smiled softly and let me pull him up, kissing him on the cheek "take that off" I referred to his black elastic crotch fortress, and he sighed, relieved, sliding it off and panting, clearly regaining his arousal, and the fiercest kind he had- the kind only for me.  
"Come here" he breathed, pulling me onto the bed.  
"Ah, I'm going to do this" I cautioned and pushed him back, straddling his hips, looking down at him. He was a true picture, sweat matting his hair against his forehead, a sheen of sweat also gleaming on his pale chest. I knew we'd just shared someone else but I felt nothing other than my purest love for him.  
The last thing I remembered from that night was working my hips and taking him repeatedly as my vision almost blacked out, the most intense of emotions clouding and enhancing my orgasm..  
And it was a good last memory...one to remember and one for the books. But I couldn't celebrate. I was too much in love.


	21. I Love You So Much I Don't Know What To Do With Myself.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another smut warning! You love it, really.

Waking up was interesting, to say the least. Being a woman, I was the first one to come round from a deep sleep, glancing around to see Gerard asleep, looking like a dark angel, and like butter wouldn't melt.   
Of course I knew that wasn't true...as next to him, top to toe, was Frank, sleeping with his arm over his face.   
I felt a little proud, but I felt the urge to feel shame, and I straight up couldn't be bothered to face that feeling, the only thought flashing in my mind being "at least this wasn't recorded".   
I made my way to the bathroom and noticed I was slowly picking up, the sickness dying down a little and my head actually feeling clear for a change (or at least as clear as it could be). I looked at myself in the mirror, starting to actually recognise myself again. The urge to pop pills was like a tyrant ruling my brain, but I had none so I simply had to shut the door on it, even if the foot in the door stopped the slam.   
I showered quickly, afraid someone might wake up and wander in to piss, and if it was Frank..well it might be weird. I wasn't sure at all how we were going to communicate after this. I only knew I didn't regret it.  
Both boys were still sound asleep as I threw Gerard's hoodie on and his boxers and pulled my shoes on, rifling around for my cigarettes before making my way to the door, distracted by a whisper, making me turn around.  
"Stevie.." it was Frank. I blushed immediately, but tried to keep my cool.  
"You going for a cigarette?"  
I nodded, asking him along before I knew how to respond, waiting for him to yank his clothes on after he carefully climbed over Gerard, who had barely stirred.  
I smiled as Frank followed me out the door, pocketing the key card as we made our way to the lift.  
"So.." Frank murmered, resting against the wall of the elevator. "You okay?"  
I suddenly had the urge to start laughing, and barely controlled it, giggling a little.  
It must have been contagious, as his serious face broke and he started snickering, too.  
"I mean...that was something." I replied, leading Frank out of the lift and the front door, sitting on the wall outside before sharing my cigs, lighting us up. I definitely felt more comfortable around him, but that was to be expected after rutting all night.   
"I...I did it because I thought it might help. I have a lot of love for Gerard.."  
I raised an eyebrow and looked at him.  
"Not like that.. he's just... We're best friends, and getting older you realise who you want in your life. And you... Well, I can see why he likes you so much.." it was clearly hard for him to say what he was saying, so I had no intention of interrupting him. He'd clearly been as close to Gerard as I had, and I had no place discrediting that.   
"Yeah?" I asked, trying not to look any particular way, I didn't want to lead the conversation, I wanted to hear from him.   
"Initially, I hated you a little bit when you disappeared but...I get why." He met my eyes and I tried not to look away, getting a little overwhelmed.   
"I, uhh, have issues. And I was scared for myself." I answered honestly.  
"I get it. Gee can be a slave to his problems, and I can see how that wasn't going to mix well. Most people can't stick him at all, but you're not like that. I can tell...you care."   
I nodded "I fucking love him" I sighed.   
"I believe you. I, uhh, want to tell you something.." he shifted on the wall, and after a lull, I offered him another cigarette which he gratefully accepted.  
"Okay Frank" I smiled "go for it". The smile was a blatant cover for my anxiety of what he was potentially about to tell me.   
"Well, I met Gerard at college. He was a bit of a party animal, drinking, taking whatever he could get his hands on.. well, I met him in the library and saw a totally different side to him, and he's special, y'know, and we're both musicians, so we became friends. Yeah, we had sex-"  
To that, I winced slightly, despite trying my hardest not to.  
"-but he would never commit to me."  
"What..do you mean?" I asked falteringly.  
"Well.. it took him a while to tell me, but when he did, he didn't stop talking about it, he was tied to it, sometimes I think he got fucked up to forget about it"  
Oh God, what was it? What had happened to him? "What, Frank?" I asked, a slight urgency to my voice.  
He paused and looked at me "You."  
I was shocked. The thought had never entered my head. I was so taken aback that tears prickled at my eyes. I couldn't quite believe it.  
"Are you just saying this-"  
"No." He interrupted and I fell silent.   
"No.. he loves you, always has. He would always tell me stories about you."  
"Why didn't he reach out to me?" I asked, wounded slightly.  
"He was scared. Especially near the end when he'd heard you were engaged. He refused to come back home for that reason alone, he went to work in LA for a while, even stopped talking to me. It sucked." He admitted, looking down.  
"I...I didn't know any of this!" I was close to tears again, no idea what to do with the information he'd just given me.   
"I know. None of this is your fault. Maybe marrying that jerk-off was a mistake.."  
"You think?" I laughed gently, putting my head in my free hand, ash dropping onto the floor.  
"When he finally came back, he couldn't help himself but to restore your treehouse. He spent a lot of time there as far as I know, started drinking again, and when you fell back into his arms he was still stuck in that place."   
Of course he was. Just like I was. It was a chemical romance from the start.   
"And then all that shit went off with the video and Bet, and yeah, well, I think it hit you both too hard"   
"I've not even spoken to her. She doesn't know I know. I'm struggling to care at the moment" I admitted lowly. "I just want Gerard."   
He smiled faintly, nudging me in the shoulder "I know. I think what you're both doing is probably the only sensible thing Gerard's ever done. And that gives me hope."   
A short silence followed before I started crying, dropping my cigarette entirely and bringing my hands up to my face, tears streaming, but silently. Frank noticed and tucked me under his arm, noticing it felt normal for him to do that after doing everything else to me.   
"It's gonna be okay, Stevie. But I do ask for one thing."   
I breathed in deeply and brushed my wet hair back from my face, looking up at him as he dropped his arm and turned to face me.  
"Yeah, what is it?" I asked gently, starting to calm down a little. My heart ached, and there was so much I wanted to talk to Gerard about. So much, and it wouldn't be so without Frank, so I owed him. That, and I had a new found affection for him and his honesty.   
"Please don't cut me out" he asked, looking shy, biting on his lip, the ring clinking against his teeth.  
"No" I replied instantly, throwing my arms around him "of course not. It won't be weird, look, I'm hugging you, and it's not weird is it?"   
He laughed as we pulled away "No, it's not weird. And I do like you, and I trust you with Gerard, you guys are going in a positive direction so, like.. keep it going." I noticed he'd teared up a little and it full on yanked on my heart strings. "Do you wanna come back up?" I asked, noticing I was out of cigarettes.  
"No, I'm gonna go now. There's something else I need to do" he said, before stopping and blushing "damn, that sounded bad."  
I laughed loudly, rubbing his arm "Stay in touch. We'll see you soon. And uhh, thanks.."   
He smiled genuinely at me and nodded, getting up from the wall and turning back to give me a wave after giving me his best.   
Watching him walk away was quite surreal, as if it proved that the night had happened, and I honestly wouldn't change it. Though I knew I had to work with Gerard and I couldn't think of anything I wanted to do more. I was really ready to commit to him.   
I was deep in thought all the way back up the stairs after snaffling two coffees for us from the foyer, knowing he'd be eternally grateful.   
Upon entering the room, I noticed the bed was empty, but I could hear sounds from the bathroom. I put the drinks down next to the bed and shook the sheets out, laying them neat and trying not to think what a blue light would show up on it, smirking at the thought. I sat on the bed and turned the TV on, finding a cartoon to watch as I waited for Gee. He came out soon enough, and caught my eye as he shuffled into the room.  
"Hey, baby" I smiled, and he smiled back, a relief flooding through me that he didn't feel awkward or weird or anything else negative.  
"Hey. I uhh, noticed Frank's gone?"   
"Yeah, we had a cigarette and he left. Told me to say bye" I motioned for him to sit besides me and handed him the coffee, excitement on his face.  
"Thank you! So, is everything okay? I know last night was quite somethin'" he murmered, looking up at me through his lashes, his hair sticking up despite definitely having looked in a mirror already. I had to run my fingers through it, and he tilted his head into the contact, moaning softly.  
"It's all fine" I said honestly, kissing his neck. There was a pause before Gerard drained his coffee and put the mug on the side, turning to face me, prompting me to do the same, my hands gathered into his lap covered by his. His eyes were so full of emotion that I figured that we were all going to cry today.   
"Stevie.." he started, squeezing my hands lightly "I don't want any more diversions, any more detours. I've never felt about anyone...the way I feel about you. And I really want to do this with you."  
Abashed, I quietly said "do what?'  
"Everything. Anything. All of it." He answered, getting a little heated, but in the best possible way, getting onto his knees. "Will you let me do that?"   
The emotions from my talk with Frank were still very raw and very present, and Gerard just pushed me right over the edge, sobbing softly despite repressing it.   
Straight away he had me in his lap, holding me close to his chest, starting to cry freer and harder, his hand drifting down my hair, soothing me. He didn't say anything, he just comforted me. I felt almost lost in mind when I thought about how much I loved him, and how lucky I felt to be with him. I hoped he felt the same about me, but judging by the way he was with me, I assumed so.   
Even during the tryst with Frank, I could still see the glances, and the care and the attention. It wasn't lost on me, I could tell he was devoted to me even though there was another person involved, and one he used to be with. I had no idea why he liked me so much, that he thought about me at college.  
"Why didn't you just tell me?" I sobbed into his chest.  
"Hey, what do you mean?" He asked softly, pulling back just enough so he could see my face looking up from his chest, eyes peering into his, and if felt so easy, and so right.   
"In college, why didn't you tell me you still liked me? It could have changed everything." I sighed, blinking the tears away.  
"Ohh.." he hummed in realisation "well...I..I didn't want to mess with your head, or stop you from doing anything you would otherwise have done.."  
"I wouldn't have cared. I love you, nothing would change that" I said, feeling like it was the truth.  
"I know you loved me, but.. I was fucking trouble, I drank so much and there's no way I was putting that on you." His beautiful face looked soft and settled, but I could see the emotion behind his eyes.   
I understood what he was saying. And really all that mattered was that we were together now. It was exciting, almost like we'd started again as, in a way, we had.   
"So!" I chirped, my spirits high, straddling his hips and massaging his scalp, something he took great delight in. "When are you gonna take me home?"   
He beamed up at me "Whenever you're ready, baby. It will be so good to have you with me."  
I didn't see what good sitting around watching cartoons was going to do, when we could be curled up on his sofa again. Smoking weed.   
Regardless, there was a little emotion in leaving the room, just as I felt that I had come a long way whilst being there, even if my bank account had taken a huge a hit. It was worth it. Sometimes spending money on yourself is the best thing you can possibly do.  
It seemed that Gerard also agreed that the best thing to do was spend money on me, as I was greeted with gifts he'd bought me, and thinking about it, he must have bought them when he was unsure what was happening between us, and that alone nearly had me in tears again. We'd gotten takeout and a joint and Star Wars and it was genuine bliss.  
He'd bought me arty gifts, lots of pencils and pens and really good quality. It made me want to squeeze him, and we were in deep conversation about what projects I could undertake while off work, giving me references and ideas about comic book styles and storyboarding, so much to the point that I was starting to think I might actually like to work with him.  
I kept that quiet initially, as I knew getting into business with someone you're also romantically tied to can often lead to arguments. It wasn't only that. That night I could tell he was acting a little different, and I was curious as to why, considering things seemed to be going well.   
I got my answer when he disappeared to the bathroom upstairs and came back with his guitar. I was grinning before he even reached me, which only made him blush, looking as if he might change his mind.  
"Gee, are you gonna sing to me?" I asked hopefully, and he chuckled nervously and sat down, putting the guitar next to him and gesturing for me to join him. I climbed into his lap, enjoying his body warmth, sliding my hands under his t-shirt to warm them.   
"I love you" he murmered quietly, his large hands on my back, his fingertips making me shiver, like they always did.   
"I love you too. What's your song about?"   
"You." He said quietly, and I already knew this was going to wound me one way or the other. And that I couldn't wait to hear it.  
I didn't even say anything else, I just looked pleadingly at him and he gave me an okay, sitting on the sofa as he sat opposite me on the coffee table, opening his mouth before closing it again, prompting me to questioningly raise an eyebrow.  
"I'm not like, the best guitar player." He looked down, his hair falling over his eyes.   
I didn't know if he was doing it on purpose but he was killing me. I just adored him.   
"I don't care. I really don't" I grinned, excited beyond belief, the love running through my veins making me feel euphoric. I didn't even need my pills, though I wanted them.   
He started to sing, his voice like velvet, softer than it was when he sang Green Day to me that time. My heart started to clench as the lyrics hit me right between the ears.  
"If I could be with you tonight, I would sing you to sleep, never let them take the light behind your eyes"  
Oh my God. He must have written it when we were apart. He wrote a fucking song. For me. I didn't feel worthy, hearing him sing.  
"One day, I'll lose this fight  
As we fade in the dark  
Just remember  
You will always burn as bright".  
It was a fight. It was a war, and we both knew it, and we weren't going to lose, but we were definitely on the losing team in the game when we were apart. I understood completely and the way he'd arranged the lyrics had me crying uncontrollably, my hands over my face, not having any idea what I could even say to him for writing such a beautiful song for me. Fuck. I loved him so much it hurt, like hell and in the best way.   
He didn't look up at me until he was on the last line, softly repeating "the light behind your eyes".  
I was blown away. When he finished it was like every other noise was unimportant and unnecessary. I only ever wanted to hear him sing to me. Just that.   
His eyes filled with emotion as he saw I'd been crying, nervously placing his guitar against the wall, his shirt moving up at he stretched to reach and I was on him before he even knew what was happening, climbing him on the table, line of sight joining for a moment as we looked each other in pure adoration.   
I kissed him hard but slow, his shirt already on the floor, mine joining it, feeling his hands on my bra strap and releasing it before lifting and nearly throwing me onto the sofa, straddling me and kissing me fiercely, biting at my lip and fondling my breasts. I loved it when he did that and he knew it, sliding a hand down the front of my pants, rubbing against my heat, panting harshly as I grabbed his butt, pulling him against me, raking my fingers through his hair.  
This didn't feel normal, like the kinky shit we often did or giving it a bit of a roughness, no, this was totally different. It felt more like a union than two people doing things to each other. It was heated but it was passionate, slower paced, and Gerard's sighs and soft moans and 'I love you's just took it to a place where we had never been, not properly, and God, it was to die for.   
We'd fallen off the sofa and pushed the table back blindingly, bodies entangled as we tried to get rid of out clothes as soon as humanly possible, throwing them any which way. I just wanted to kiss him so I did, hot and relentless, tongues dancing with each other, and the most tantalising dance ever known. My hands were all over him and his on me as we just got lost further and further down the pit, not pausing for anything, except when I had to to follow him to kiss me from head to toe, coming back up and lingering on my thighs and kissing and sucking at my heat, my eyes rolling back and fingering his hair, realising that the effect of him licking me out was actually far stronger than it had been initially. I'd never felt that strongly about someone while having sex with them and I was starting to understand that that's what love is. What life is. It didn't even feel like sex- for the first time I actually understood the term 'making love', except instead of making it we reinterpreted it in a tactile way, touching as much of each other as we possibly could, and not only with our fingers but with our lips and tongue and even teeth, just melting into each other. Even the fact that we were on the carpet and undeniably getting friction burns, it didn't slow us down.  
I was in charge in an unspoken way, rolling on top of him and teasing his nipples with my tongue, knowing how much he liked it.   
What surprised me was the noise he was making, he wasn't moaning loudly but he was moaning constantly, ranging from a dull hum to a prolonged groan, and it was making me so wet. Last night I heard him make a lot of noise too, but this felt entirely different. He was looking at me with half closed eyes, biting at his lip as he took hold of my ass and rubbed me up against him, spreading his thighs so he could thread his legs over mine, the skin contact just incredible.   
"You ...you make me feel so good" I whispered in his ear and he growled lowly, trailing his fingers down my back.  
"I feel so good I might die" he murmered back and my mouth dropped open slightly before promptly rekindling my arousal to a higher heat, pulling him up by his forearms so he sat, balanced by one arm as I pulled his head forwards by his hair to kiss him hard, one hand on his hip, my thumb rubbing the skin gently which I often did when I was trying to get lucky with him.  
From the physical cue, he held my lower back as I sunk down onto him, whimpering slightly as he hit me deep as I was on top, but quickly distracted by the roaring pleasure that followed it, radiating up both of our bodies and making us more one person than two. It was the most passionate sex we'd ever had, and I couldn't stop hearing the lyrics he had sang to me go round in my mind, only making me want to buck harder against him, everything else a blur. In the background I could hear a phone vibrating but I couldn't have given a fuck, and neither could he, who was encouraging me to shift against him in his lap, moaning again and making me tingle. Fuck, anything could have happened and we wouldn't have known. Anything.   
"Gerard!" I choked out as I came, and despite having sex less than 24 hours before, it was even stronger than I thought it would be, and it left me winded and panting as if I'd run down the block.   
"Baby" he moaned, covering my neck in kisses as his hips twitched wildly, thrusting further into me as he came with a gasp, shuddering and delicious.   
I near enough collapsed after we'd regretfully parted, not even dressing, just lying with him on the carpet, breathing shallowly and trying to catch our breath.  
"That was...amazing. Fuck,." I breathed, still not being able to move. Clearly neither was he, his hair in his face which had turned scarlet from exertion, looking up at the ceiling.  
"Yeah" he murmered, and the tone set off an alarm in my head, though I figured there would be a fair few of those after all that we'd been through.   
"Are you okay?" I rolled onto my front so I could lie against him and see his face next to mine.   
He looked right at me and smiled "I'm not used to being this happy" he said simply before seeing a tear fall from his eye.   
I laughed "God, me neither! Me neither, Gerard. I love you so much I don't think I could tell you enough times".  
"You don't even need to say it, it's written all over your face" he murmered, and I was surprised.  
"It is?" I whispered, a look of deep concern and affection crossing my features.  
"Yep" he sighed, biting his lip slightly.  
"It's not gonna change. It's only gonna get stronger Gerard, y'know.." I rested my head on his chest and gazed up at him.  
"I know. Fuck. Stevie, thank you for-" he started.  
"You don't need to thank me. I do everything I do for a reason and I never thought for a second that we were meant to be apart. That's why it hurt me so much.."   
He looked sadly up at me "you made a really hard choice. And it paid off. Even if I didn't realise that at the time."   
"Nothing is more important to me than both of our wellbeing. I'm gonna take care of you when you're sick..." I smiled and he blushed a little "I'm going to make you have a bath with me and get way too handsy.."  
He smirked "that one sounds good."  
"And I'll marry you and keep you beside me.." I trailed off, realising what I had just insinuated and buried my face in his chest.  
"Marry me?" He asked softly, starting to stroke my hair.  
"Well..maybe. I didn't mean to.."  
"I'd love that" he murmered, and I looked up at him.  
"Really?"  
"Yeah!" He said, looking entirely sure "but if you marry me, you'll have to bury me. Or carry me to the end" he laughed softly and I rolled my eyes.  
"So morbid, Gerard" I pecked his lips and settled back against him. It was the most relaxed and happy I had felt since the day I learned about Bet. Now it just seemed like a distant memory. "And Frank told me the real story about the treehouse. I can't even talk about that 'cos I'll cry, though.."  
My phone vibrating broke the silence and Gerard looked at me "it did that a few times..you might wanna check it babe"   
I tingled at his use of babe and yanked some clothes on, throwing him his so he could dress, reluctantly picking my phone up off the side. There were four missed calls. From Bet.   
"It's Bet.."  
"What the fuck does she want?" He said dismissively "to fuck up my relationship again?"  
"Gerard!" I was taken aback but also kind of proud that he was willing to speak his mind.  
"I don't know, I don't really care. She's probably realised now that the jig is up, and wants to verbally abuse me or something I don't know." I stared at the screen, looking at the missed calls log, trying to ignore the string of Gerard's under it from when he was trying to track me down.   
A message came through. "Stevie, please talk to me."   
I sighed deeply and put my phone back down. I wasn't ready. At all.   
"She wants to talk to me. But I don't think I can." I said, watching as he circled around to me and held me from behind.  
"This one is down to you. I'll support you whatever" he whispered and I smiled.   
"Thanks."   
I continued to ignore my phone for the entire day, despite being disturbed that it had been going off constantly and then all of a sudden it stopped. I looked at the clock and vaguely realised it when was Jack finished work, feeling sour at the thought of her betraying me with the world's biggest asshole.   
We were drinking coffee and eating chips when Gerard confronted me about it.  
"This is bothering you, I can tell" he said, not taking his eyes off the TV screen "I'm being honest"   
I sighed and snuggled into his side and kissed his neck, whining at him to look down at me.  
He relented with a smirk, holding my cheeks between his fingers and squishing my face "Maybe you should hear her out."   
I sighed inwardly. I was really hoping he wasn't going to say that. 

"I can't believe you actually talked me into a bath just to avoid-" Gerard started, sinking in to the hot water opposite me, being eaten alive by the mass of bubbles I'd thrown in there, getting a last good look of his dick before he sat down, my mouth watering slightly.   
He noticed and rolled his eyes "take a picture, it'll last longer".  
"Oh, I'll be taking pictures alright" I purred, sliding my foot over his package, teasing him.  
He tossed his head back and sighed, biting his lip "you're such a fucking tease" he grinned.  
"It's only because I always want you..." I started, my hand sliding up his thigh, cupping his balls as I leaned forward to kiss him, pressing my finger against his hole. "between my legs."  
He moaned frustratedly and huffed, red faced and with a definite boner. "Stevie, stop" he was half laughing, which only made me giggle.  
"Yes I know. I will." I lathered up the soap and rubbed it over my chest, Gerard watching every move I was making.  
"In fact.."   
Oh God, what?  
"I'm withholding sex until you do" he smirked, adamant and sure this was going to work. I snorted and he narrowed his eyes at me. "What!"  
"Baby, you know you can't resist me.." my hand was on his knee, squeezing gently.  
"You're wrong." He raised an eyebrow, challenging me. "I can. I'll just watch The Watchmen-"  
"You can't use the TV as a distraction!" I protested and his mouth fell open.  
"Why!"   
"Because.. it still wouldn't work" I bit my lip and he flushed scarlet, his hand on my knee now, relaxing back.  
"Fuck, this is actually really good, I forget how good" he sighed contentedly.  
"Changing the subject" I grumbled and he shot me an affectionate look.  
"Would you rather talk about the threesome we had last night, then?" He teased, and I stood my ground.  
"If you want."  
He just laughed "I wanna take you to dinner soon" he mused, still gazing at me.  
"I'd like that." I smiled "I want to take you to Florence." I said, without properly thinking of what I was saying.  
"Italy? Really?" He definitely looked interested, I could see his brain ticking over behind his eyes.   
"Yeah...would you come with me? As like a celebration of our sobriety journey, and of like, us.."   
"Yes. That sounds amazing.." he said without hesitation, and I opened my mouth before he continued "but-"  
Oh no.  
"You're going to have to talk to your friend first. We did mine, now we'll do yours." He said decided before realising how bad it sounded as I started to laugh hysterically.  
"I, I didn't mean-" he stuttered.  
"Oh, Gerard, you're gonna have to let it go, it happened, we can talk about it, it's all cool" I reassured, but not without giggling still.  
"It was really hot watching you get fucked, I'm not gonna lie." He said bluntly and my mouth fell open.  
"Yeah? Same with you, it was like you were doing it for me and I didn't know how messy it was going to be, and fuck, you looked hot.." my mind started to stray and he noticed, squeezing my knee to bring me back into the room.  
"My mind was racing a million miles an hour, but it felt..good. To be honest, I enjoyed playing it up to get a reaction from you, but I only really wanted to touch you.."   
Wow. I wasn't expecting him to say that, or to enjoy it so much. So of course I had to say something stupid.  
"You sure you're withholding sex?"   
He narrowed his eyes at me and said nothing, relaxing back with a faint smile on his face. Fine. 

When we finally got out it was late so I was hoping I could avoid talking to Bet, but my phone ringing again as I pulled on my sweats, biting the bullet after a look from Gerard, and picking it up.  
"Hey.." I started, and I could hear that she was crying.   
"Stevie. Thanks for answering." She gasped.  
"Yeah. I wasn't gonna. What's...what do you want?" I decided to bypass the crying and stick to business.   
"I know you know.." she started sadly.  
"That you're boning the devil incarnate? Yes. How long for, that I don't." I had no idea how I was being so calm, the hotel helped me more than I perhaps realised. Especially when she was the reason I was there in the first place.   
"Look, I can't talk for long, I just said I came for a cigarette..look, Stevie, I need to see you. Can I see you?" She didn't sound as if she was going to fuck me over or spite me, but who knew?  
"Uhh.. I..." I was stuck for words, and I could see Gerard looking at me out of the corner of his eye, just with a general concern for me, and he must have been able to tell by my voice that I myself was concerned.   
"Look, I know you're with Gerard, I'm glad you're happy..look, I'll ring you tomorrow, will you pick up?"  
I paused for a moment. Would I? "Y.. yeah" I murmered.  
"Thank you. Stevie...I'm sorry."  
I didn't know what to say to that. There was a pause and then I hung up, slowly wandering back to Gerard on the couch, sitting directly in his lap and laying my head on his chest.  
"Mm, baby, well done" he breathed into my hair, sniffing it. "What's happening?"   
"I...I really don't know. She doesn't sound good. I'm going to speak to her in the morning, maybe we'll have to hold off on Florence for a bit."  
He laughed gently, turning me in his lap so I was laying sideways on him, my feet hanging over the arm of the sofa, his arm around my back, cradling me to him. "That's okay, we have the rest of our lives."   
I felt so warm and content, protected. He made me so happy and I knew we were stronger due to the numerous storms we had to weather. The domestic nature of our relationship was finally calming me, now that I let it seep through the net I'd thrown between us to protect myself. I did the same with Jack, except there was no breaking that one. I never really trusted him and I certainly didn't rely on him for anything.   
"I want to draw you.." Gerard was saying as I'd checked out and back in again.  
"Okay!" I chirped, grinning "what sort of arty pose do you want me in?" I joked, kissing the shell of his ear.   
"Naked." He smirked slyly up at me and I nibbled on my lip.  
"Really?" I rubbed my arm "well, uhh..sure. when did you want-"  
"Now." He grinned, his cheeky face making me want to squeeze it. Or fuck it. Either one.   
"N-now?" I faltered, my heart thumping a little.  
"Don't be shy...all you need to do is take that bathrobe off...and lay down on the bed...for your daddy.." he added, almost as an afterthought, but it made me feel a way I wasn't expecting.  
"You kinky motherfucker."   
He just grinned devilishly as I climbed off his lap "okay...daddy" I managed to make myself say "let's go."  
He made me feel confident, praising me and remarking on how I looked, saying things that I wasn't used to hearing as I slipped the robe off and lay on the bed. "How do you want me, daddy?" I purred, playing on his previous choice of words.  
"I said that as a joke and now you're making me hard." He remarked, and I glanced down as he sat on the edge of the bed, balancing his sketchbook on his knee.   
"Mmm, do you want me to stop?" I asked quietly as he instructed me to have one leg bent so he could see my 'tidy little pussy', which I swear made me wet as the words left his lips.  
"You didn't say no.." I murmered, sliding my hand between my legs.  
He groaned and bit his lip "I'm avoiding it cos if you keep saying it I'm going to fuck you." He said honestly, wishing he would.  
"How about I touch myself until you're finished..and then we'll see where we're at?"  
He stared at me, and I too was surprised at my over confidence. "Fine."   
It was definitely hard for him to concentrate, just as it was for me as being watched pleasuring myself wasn't something I was used to. It felt dirty and filthy and vile. All the best things.   
"Does that feel good, baby?" He whispered as he drew, glancing at my eyes as I nodded.  
"Yes, daddy."  
"Fuck, Stevie.." he laughed quietly, biting at his lip again, hesitating before going back to his drawing, lasting only a couple more minutes of me breathing heavily and sighing softly before he, defeated, dropped the pad on the floor next to the bed and started crawling towards me.  
"You're going over my knee, baby girl." He snarled, knocking my hand away and manhandling me until I was over his knee, my ass front and centre and feeling completely exposed and helpless.   
"What have I done?" I asked innocently, trying to look back, but hearing Gerard order me not to.   
I cried out as he slapped my ass swiftly, a swift slice of pain through my nerves before a tingling euphoric pleasure replaced it. Fuck, it felt so fucking good.  
"Huh, do you like that?"   
"Fuck, yeah I do" I gasped "do it again."  
I caught a glance of his drawing as he had me hanging over him. It was good. Really good. "Ah!" I yelped as he slapped me a little harder, obviously trying for a reaction, which I couldn't keep in. He spanked me a few more times before sliding his fingers between my legs, rubbing and stroking and making me whimper.   
"You called me a lazy bottom and I am intent at changing that perception.."   
Oh shit. Yes please. I grinned as he flipped me onto my back and starting fucking licking me. Licking me from my ankle up my thigh, along my heat and up my breastbone, looking at me like he was going to destroy me. "Fuck, baby.." I sighed and he bit my lip, the feeling going straight to my pussy, thrusting my hips up to rub against his jeans, desperate for any contact he could give me.   
"Just one second.." he looked down at me with an excited and naughty look on his face, running to scavenge in his drawers for a red tie, staring at him with wide eyes as he started to tie my wrists to the bedposts.  
"Oh, fuck. I'm scared.." I whimpered, set on pushing him as far as I could.   
"Good. Cos I'm gonna take what I want from you and you're gonna fuckin' like it." He put his knee between my thighs, shifting it up further to rub against me, and he lost me to moaning wantonly.  
"Touch me, fuck, please touch me" I moaned, pushing him to the edge, a darkness coming over his face, sucking hard on my stomach skin, yelping as he sucked a dark bruise onto the pale canvas, unable to do anything about it. "Marking me?" I teased and he snarled, taking my chin roughly in his hand.  
"You're fucking mine." He practically growled, squeezing my face.  
I didn't know teasing him would result in this effect, but I certainly knew we were going to have many repeat performances.  
"Who kisses you better?" He purred, putting his face close to mine and running his tongue along my lips which were pursed by the way he was holding my face.  
"You. " I breathed, not hesitating for a second.  
"Mmhmm, good." He rasped, caressing my breast, teasing the nipple between his fingers, pinching me a little, making me yelp.  
"Who eats you better?" He drifted down my body and wriggled his tongue over my wet heat.  
"Oh, you.." I sighed as he pulled my thighs over his shoulders, kissing my clit intermittently as he smirked up at me, biting his lip.   
"Tell me why" he pressed, idly sliding a finger into me, driving me crazy that he was still fucking dressed.  
"Take some clothes off, I want to see your body" I breathed.  
"Tell me why, first. Is it my tongue? Do I tease you just right?" I could feel his warm breath on my wetness and it drove me insane, pulling at my wrists. I could only whine and whimper, and he relished this reaction. "Do I hit you inside at...just the right spot?" He was still smirking, his face falling in arousal as I cried out, not ready for the assault on my g-spot that Gerard had undertaken, hard and almost painfully pleasurable, pulling at the tie around my wrists out of habit.   
"Fuck, it's everything!" I whined "please, Gerard..take some clothes off.."   
"Fine. I'll get naked.."   
He climbed off the end of the bed and stood directly in front of me, my head propped up on a pillow. What was he going to do?  
He drifted his hands up and down his shirt before hitching it up around his delicious pale stomach, my eyes fixed on the bare skin, suppressing a grin as he started to move his hips slightly, making me chuckle in disbelief. I couldn't believe my luck.  
"Can you handle it?" He teased, and my mouth watered like a broken hose.   
"Fuckin' give me a show...daddy.." I purred and he smirked again, this face becoming my all time favourite thing.  
He pulled his shirt off, still dancing for me slowly, catching my eye and holding my gaze before I noticed he had slid a hand over his erection in his jeans.   
"I bet you loved watching me get fucked, didn't you?"   
I bit my lip and nodded. Why lie?  
"Mmhmm, I thought so.."   
He was undoing his pants so slowly I thought I was going to scream, watching him eventually snake his hips as he slid the tight jeans over them, realising now that this might be why he put them on in the first place, making a mental note that he was a dirty whore.  
"Mmf, fuck.." he sighed as he closed his hand over the large hard mound in his boxers. "Looking at you all laid out for me like that...it makes me so hard.."  
"Get it out." I whispered, knowing he'd heard me.  
He slid his boxers down, thinking for a moment before spitting in his hand, fondling himself a little before starting to jack his cock, looking directly into my eyes.  
Fuck. He was driving me insane!   
"Baby, you look so hot.." I told him and watched him smirk again at me.   
"It...it just feels so good.." he moaned, the pitch of his voice going right through me, setting me alight, stroking his cock slowly, taking his time.  
"I bet...ohh, can't you come closer?" I bit my lip, trying to get a better look.  
"Yeah..yeah I can do that.." he sighed, stopping touching himself long enough to straddle my hips, positioning himself so every time his hand made a slow downstroke, his hand brushed against the top of my wet pussy, gasping and trying to buck my hips to seek friction, but also to watch him, everything he was doing was so tantalising I was encased by the hot filthy bubble he'd surrounded us with.   
"Who's got the biggest dick?" He looked down at me through hooded eyes.  
"Oh, baby, you.. c'mon baby, please.."I choked, becoming overwhelmed.   
"What do you want? Tell me exactly what you want and I might just give it to you."  
He stared down at me and I shuddered.  
"Fuck me." I demanded, trying to pull forwards to touch him, but failing.   
"Yeah?' he asked softly, his thumb drifting up and down the slit of his cock. "The thing is though...I'm so horny I just want to fucking destroy your pussy."  
I gasped and his eyebrow quirked, as if wondering if he'd gone too far.  
"What the fuck are you waiting for?" I growled decidedly and I saw the familiar 'I want to fuck' look on his face.   
He was sliding his dick into me as soon as he'd parted my thighs around his, not hesitating before starting to thrust hard, a strangled noise regurgitating from my throat.  
"Too hard?" He asked, licking his thumb and idly flicking at my nipple.  
"There's no too hard." I choked honestly "don't stop, I'm so fuckin' turned on" I sobbed, gasping again as he thrust harder, effortlessly hitching my ankles to his shoulder, bracing myself as I knew how big he was and how intense it was going to feel.  
But it didn't. It just felt really really fucking good. Sweating and red-faced, Gerard freed my wrists.  
My hand soon found its way down my body, rubbing at my clit as he fucked me hard and fast, loud helpless moans ripping from my throat, not being able to be quiet. At all.   
The other hand was scratching down his back as he cried out.  
"Fuck, Stevie, STEVIE" he sobbed loudly, but I was too fucked to respond, my eyes rolling back as he fucked me through a hard, pulsing orgasm that left me immobile, whining plaintively as it continued to throb as his skin slapped loudly and crudely against mine.   
He had me pinned for an impressive length of time before starting to moan louder, detaching his lips from my neck as he panted harshly.   
"Ahh shit, yeah. Yes, fuck, FUCK!" he almost shouted as he eventually came hard, feeling him throbbing inside me, my moans mingling with his as we panted, trying to catch our breath but still in the throes of pleasure.   
I pulled him next to me on the bed, watching him collapse "that was insane."  
I couldn't move for a moment, and my brain poked me with the thought that even though we'd both slipped a little in our journey out of the hell hole (as it was far harder than we'd ever realised it would be) but also that we were having sex a lot, and it was becoming a constant and fulfilling replacement. That, and I had the feeling that what he just did to me could potentially be the tip of a very well-oiled iceberg, and that he wasn't going to stop until I was buried to the hilt.   
"You're fucking filth, you know that?" I shot at him, and he looked a little shocked, before he broke into a shy smile.   
"Was it too much?" He asked gently, biting his lip.  
That little fucker. He knew full well it wasn't too much and that I'd soon be begging for more.   
"How much more of that have you got in you?" I raised an eyebrow, my face still scarlet and burning.  
He just shrugged lightly before leaning in to whisper in my ear "So much."   
I shivered and pushed him down, climbing on top of him.  
I wasn't done with him tonight, and I would deal with Bet when I had time.   
This was all about me.


	22. Tell Me.

I woke up feeling sore and satisfied...but mostly satisfied, turning my head to see Gerard fast asleep, hardly believing it was the same person who took me so roughly and so fucking deliciously the night before.  
I smirked when I thought how kinky he was, and when I realised he'd made me the same way. Not only that, it's known in the early days of relationships people are said to fuck all the time, but I didn't see this passing.   
Not at all..  
"Hey, baby" he mumbled as he reluctantly woke, his face soft and sleepy. He was adorable.   
"Hey" I pecked him on the lips and started to pull away but he grunted in dismay and pulled me back, smushing his lips against mine, holding me tight.  
"Don't go" he whined softly and I chuckled, cuddling up against him. He was so kind and genuine and well-meaning that I had a thought that if anyone ever hurt him, I was going to end them.   
"I'll make us a coffee, baby." I kissed his head and he hummed appreciatively.  
"Yes please"  
I was smiling to myself, mostly thinking about what we did last night and knowing I was never going to forget it. It truly was amazing-  
My phone vibrated violently on the kitchen table, creating what sounded like an echo, unless another phone as vibrating in another room. I shook the strange thought from my head and reluctantly picked up the phone.   
"Hi, Bet " I said tiredly, not knowing a time I ever felt this way when speaking to her. It was just hard. Too hard, almost.   
"Hey." Her voice sounded calmer than it did yesterday but still had a nervous edge to it.   
"I uhh, thanks for picking up.."   
"What do you want?" I asked abruptly, feeling the familiar sickening feeling I had when I thought of her stabbing me in the back.   
"Could I please... please see you tonight?" Her voice was timid, as if she knew what my response would be.  
"And why the hell would I do that?"   
"I know. I don't blame you either but...but you deserve an explanation. Can we like, bite the bullet?"  
"You can bite it all you like" I sneered. I couldn't help myself.   
"Can I come over?"  
"Over? You know I'm staying with Gerard, no?" I asked in disbelief.  
"Yeah...I won't get in the way. I promise."   
I hesitated, really not warming to the idea of this at all. I fell silent and stayed silent until she prompted me to respond.  
"I'll think about it. I gotta go."   
"Okay. Text me." She said quietly before I hesitated and hung up after a beat.   
Gerard had dragged himself out of bed and had thrown some clothes on, coming in to the kitchen, leaning against the table and raising an eyebrow. "Everything okay?"  
"Uhhh...yeah. It's fine." I said falteringly and he didn't look convinced. "I think I need to see Bet tonight. Would here be okay? By all means say no, this is your place.." I could barely string a sentence together.  
"It's fine, baby. Frank actually asked to meet me tonight, would that be okay?" I explored his features for the meaning behind meeting Frank, and I couldn't argue as I knew I trusted him.   
"Yeah. Just, look after yourself. I've had enough drama lately and I want you to be safe."   
He smiled lovingly and kissed my head "I will. You don't need to worry."   
Except I did. But we'll get to that. 

We'd spent the day together, went to the supermarket and ended up in the bookshop, following him around as he got excited and pulled me to the comic book store.  
I grinned to myself. Of course he still liked comics.  
I found myself gazing down at him as I was propped up on the side of the wall as he was on his knees looking through the comics, mumbling to himself like someone who had lost their shit. I giggled at that, but he didn't look up, he was too far gone.   
I got entirely distracted by a V For Vendetta graphic novel, actually ignoring him when he tried to get my attention. Suddenly his hand came down on the top of the book and lowered it, smiling fondly at me.   
"C'mon, you can read that at home."  
"What-" I started, faltering as he took the book from me, carrying it to the counter.  
"Aww, thank you so much" I gushed as he paid, the cashier smiling at him.  
"Is this her?"  
Gerard went bright pink and stuttered a little, giving me the feeling that his comic book mate probably shouldn't have said that.  
I just shook it off and curled my arm round Gerard's waist. "Yeah. I'm Stevie. Nice to meet you." I stuck my hand out, because I had a habit of doing just that for the majority of my adult life.   
"Same, Gerard talks a lot about you.." his friend continued, brushing her dark hair over her shoulder.   
"Yeah?" I asked, feeling a little nervous.  
"Yeah." She looked right at Gerard "I know now that his reason for not dating me is real, at least."  
Woah! I winced, and Gerard legitimately looked like he was going to pass out or just run off. But he didn't.   
I didn't know what to say to that, except feeling proud that he didn't sleep with this girl because of me. And to be honest, I wouldn't kick her out of bed.   
"Heh. Yeah. She is.." I could tell he was stuck for words as he shoved the change back in his pocket, looking at his friend.   
"You can go." She smirked and he breathed a sigh of relief, sliding his hand into mine and nearly pulling me out of the store.   
"B-bye!" I shot back to her as he bundled me out the door, stopping out of sight a few shops down, him looking at me, completely unsure how I'd taken it.  
He got his answer when I started laughing hysterically, his eyebrow raising and looking offended.  
"My god, Gee. It's a miracle you ever got laid like, for real!" I jabbed playfully and he flushed again and played with his hair.  
"I didn't like her that way." He said bluntly and for some reason, I believed him. "If it was a guy it might be a different story.."  
I gawped at him and he grinned devilishly, clearly wanting to give me some sass back. "I've sucked more dick than David Cassidy."  
Bewildered, I started laughing again. "why the fuck... David Cassidy?!"   
He shrugged "I have."   
I was still breathless from laughing, and turned on by the image of him with his mouth around someone's dick, having a flashback to the night with Frank, tingling from head to toe as I thought about it.   
"You're picturing it, aren't you?" He accused and I just laughed and shrugged.  
"I mean. Yeah." 

We got some food before heading back, content with how nice the day had been, completely ignoring the nagging in my brain that I had to see Bet later. And I really didn't know how I was gonna deal, especially when time flew by and I found myself drinking coffee as Gerard was getting ready to leave, motioning for my to put my mug down before leaning into me and kissing me.   
"If you need me at any point, call me. Tell me when she's gone. I love you."   
I nodded and smiled weakly "I love you too, Gee. Say hi to Frank."   
"I will, baby. Don't let the bitch beat you down, you're doing good." He sighed, touching my hair, pulling the strands between his fingers.   
"I won't. I got this." I said (what I hoped was) confidently.   
"My good girl." he murmered, sending a shudder through me. Did he really have to turn me on EVERY chance he got? Bastard.   
I indulged in two more kisses before practically pushing him out the door because I knew if I didn't, Bet would see things she...well, she's probably already seen before.   
I was smoking while I waited, sitting on the arm of the sofa, waiting for her message. I hadn't smoked beforehand so quickly became higher than intended, especially with the gorilla glue being a new batch. Fuck me.   
Eventually her messaged flashed up and I heard a quiet knock on the door, my stomach feeling uneasy despite the dutch courage my brain was swimming in.   
I let her in, but found her extremely hard to look at. I glanced and saw she was wearing a red jacket, apart from that...no.  
I shut the door behind her and put the ashtray on the kitchen table, motioning for her to sit as I sucked in the thick smoky stickiness, sighing and slumping in my chair, finally looking at her. I did a double take. She had a shiner. Proper black eye.  
Looks like I wasn't the only person she'd pissed off recently.   
"What the fuck happened?" I supplied, a million questions, and that was the one that came out.   
She just looked at me, which sent an irrigating sting through me.  
"Well??" I demanded, still avoiding eye contact.   
"It's not important." She said bluntly, swatting the topic away. "I came to apologise."  
"Never mind a fuckin' apology, I want an explanation. How long were you.. sleeping with him?" I got out through gritted teeth.   
She hesitated, and every second that passed just made me hate her more and more.   
"You know what, I don't care. I don't love him, I certainly don't love you, and sex with Gerard is better than anything else."  
"Sex isn't the most important-" she started, but I cut her off, slamming my hands on the table and getting to my feet.   
"Oh!! Well, you could've told me earlier?!" I exploded and she looked regretful that she ever said what she did. But I wasn't done.  
"Before everyone saw us fucking and made out to be a demon whore, while you were doing the SAME FUCKING THING."   
She flinched and I rolled my eyes.   
"You've got nothing for me? Nothing?? Because you're a fucking idiot. Jack is a piece of shit. So I guess you deserve each other."   
She fell silent, her mouth closed and eyes on the table.   
"Bet!" I shouted, and she jerked and looked up.   
Her mouth opened again, but then closed.  
"Why the fuck are you here?" I was just confused now. She had nothing to say. No apology that she'd previously referred to. Instead she just sat there looking sicker and sicker, suddenly looking up at me.   
That look. I'd seen it before. Something was wrong. Really wrong.   
"Bet, what's going on?" I asked, my voice dropping and my face most definitely displaying unbridled fear.   
"I...fuck, I can't do this." She sighed, her lip quivering.  
"Do what?" I put my hand on her shoulder and she about jumped out of her skin. I had to keep her calm. I was scared. And she knew it.   
"Bet, please..what's happening?"  
She shuddered before looking down "I was only supposed to be a distraction.." she murmered, and my brain went into hyper drive.   
A distraction? Why? From who, Gerard?  
Oh shit, Gerard.   
"Bet!" I held her shoulders and looked at her squarely in the face. "Is Gerard in trouble?'  
A tear slipped from her eye before she nodded shortly.  
Oh no. Oh fuck. Fuck, no.   
My body went into shock almost, the idea of losing Gerard far more terrifying than that of losing myself.   
"Where is he?" I demanded, wondering how Frank was connected, my brain making wild and assuming connections as I started to feel like my heart was constricting.   
"Where?" I asked shortly as I grabbed my jacket and my phone, grabbing the keys off the side, feeling in luck when I saw the car in the drive, figuring Frank must have picked him up or something.   
"Your..his house."   
"Get in." I pointed at the car door and slammed the door shut behind her, climbing into the drivers seat and putting the key in the ignition, not hearing a word from Bet.   
I didn't say anything the whole way there as my brain had overrun and I was deaf to anything that wasn't fizzing through my synapses. Probably not the best time to drive but I didn't care. I was speeding to boot, and I even had a plan for I'd do if I got pulled over, which I'd decided wasn't happening.   
I didn't know what to expect and I'd given up on trying to draw any information out of Bet. Mostly because she didn't actually seem to know much. She didn't seem like herself at all, it was disturbing and unnerving. She had kept me for a long time without saying anything and I cursed myself for not spotting its oddness sooner than I did. I hoped beyond hope that my timing wouldn't be detrimental to Gerard   
I was definitely speeding when I rounded the corner to my old prison, pulling up and braking abruptly, Bet slamming back against the chair at the physical motion. I looked at her briefly before jumping out of the car and throwing the door shut, almost tripping over myself in my haste to get to the door, my eyes widening when I saw three people on the grass outside, one bent over or kneeling with another man standing next to him, and a third one near the door. As I got closer, my eyes started to adjust to the dark, and my ears woke up.  
"You're gonna fucking stay there."  
Frank. Frank was on the ground, and the man had a switchblade in his hand. Shit. Shit.   
Now they were all looking at me. There was a brief silence before I heard what sounded like glass breaking, all three of them looking towards the front door. I took my chance and ran into the house, shoving past someone I vaguely recognized who ran after me into the house. In the living room, I looked around quickly, keeping on my toes and away from anyone. The kitchen. Got to be.  
My eyes saw what was going on before my brain did as I skidded around the corner and before I was dragged to the ground.   
Gerard was on the ground, his face covered in blood, his body bent and almost lifeless   
I gasped and tried to crawl towards him despite being held by the elbows. In the blur, I looked up as a rage filled me.   
Jack. He was glaring down at me, spite and hatred in his eyes, almost making me shiver.   
It was like we were frozen in time, until things started to happen gradually.   
The first thing I heard was police sirens and shouting outside before the sound of footsteps running and subsequently being released from behind and left on the floor, stumbling to my knees as Frank suddenly ran straight past me as Jack was about to make a choice of what to do, and ran straight into him, knocking him on the floor.  
Frank was throwing the most aggravated punches I'd ever seen, pinning his arms down with his knees. I just stared in shock as I heard the door bang and quickly being surrounded by police, watching helplessly as they dragged Frank off Jack, my hearing tuning in and out, hearing him scream "you motherfucker" over and over again, his lips make the shapes in slow motion as he said it once more, tears muddying his eyes. He was dragged to his feet and his upper body pushed hard against the kitchen table and he gave up, panting and groaning. He didn't appear to have any physical injuries but Gerard...I couldn't tell. I just saw white as I felt I was going to black out.  
My eyes filled with tears as they bundled us both into an ambulance, and dragging Frank to the police car, not responding to or acknowledging anything that was being said.   
I just...couldn't.


	23. My Boys

I was a ghost of myself sitting on a gurney being looked over by the doctor, only being able to think of Gerard, staring blankly at the curtains that surrounded me.   
I had minor defence surface wounds, and wouldn't tell the doctor anything about what had happened. I didn't want to press charges until I knew how Gerard was, knowing that if he was dead, I would soon be talking.  
But I wasn't stupid.   
"I need to see my boyfriend." I told the nurse, who finished cleaning a graze wound on my arm, looking down at me, smiling.  
"It will happen. Don't worry."   
"I need to know if he's okay...do you not have someone?" I asked, my voice strained but raised slightly, trying to appeal to her for whatever she could possibly do for me.   
She hesitated before pulling the curtain round further, sitting next to me, explaining "I need a break, they've kept me on my feet all day.. and yes, I have a girlfriend."  
"Wouldn't you want to know if she was okay if you saw her on the floor bleeding and then...then.." I broke down in sobs and I felt her hand on mine.   
"I'd tear the hospital apart...despite knowing I would find out when it was time."  
I looked hopelessly at her "My ex husband beat him shitless in my old kitchen. There were other guys with a knife. I have reason to be worried.."   
She looked mildly alarmed. "Really? Why didn't you tell the police officer that?" She got to her feet, looking concerned.  
"I'm not stupid, I can't talk before I know he's safe." I explained, hoping she would understand.   
"Look, I uhh, I need to go fetch something, I forgot. But don't discharge yourself just yet, I need to go through one more thing with you. Also, out of curiosity, what does your man look like? His name?" She adjusted my paperwork slightly as I replied with as much detail as possible. She must have made it look as if I wasn't done with and not to discharge me, and gestured onto the bed. "Try and relax. I'll be back."   
I shuffled back and gazed at her confused, but nodded regardless. "Yeah. I will.."  
It was a relief to lie down, my head hurt like hell and I was experiencing a sickness, but of the mind- an ache. I needed to know about Gerard. If she didn't come back soon enough, I'd just go after him myself. In the huge hospital. Fuck. It wouldn't stop me.   
Time passed and I became increasingly antsy, wishing I could have my phone, wanting to check out almost just to get to it, but I knew Frank wouldn't have his right now. He was probably in a jail cell.  
I felt a love for him even harder, a familial kind of love after seeing how fiercely he protects his friends. He was awesome.   
I didn't know how sure I was that Jack was capable of murder... My mind said not very, but the scene I was confronted with last night was something completely out of the ordinary for him. He seemed to have morphed into a beast, and I didn't recognise him when I looked into his eyes. In theory that meant he was capable of anything. This included giving Bet a fake bruise so she could stall me with bullshit while Frank and Gerard went to talk to Jack.   
Why wouldn't Gerard tell me that? I sighed in a huff, realising that if he had reason to, he would most likely do something like that without telling me. Asking him not to would he like asking him to stop loving me. I admired that about him, but it also put him at risk.   
Just as I was about to climb out of the window or something, the nurse came back, tugging the curtain back, looking right at me. I looked right back at her.   
"He's okay."  
I breathed a huge sigh of relief and collapsed back on the gurney, my hand coming to my head. Oh, thank fuck. Thank fuck.   
"He looks like he'll be up for release real soon, he was beaten pretty severely but not enough to keep him longer. So you'll have to look after him." She came closer and her voice dropped "and think again about telling the police. Please."   
I sat up and nodded gently "I promise I will." Think about it, that was. I wasn't making any snap decisions, not without having seen Gerard. I got up and suddenly realised that as my worry for Gerard cleared, I realised how absolutely shit I felt.   
The nurse gripped my shoulder "you need to take it easy."   
I smiled weakly and patted her on the arm.  
"Thank you. You didn't need to do that, and I bet you don't get paid anywhere near enough.."  
She just shrugged. "Made me feel better. Now go." She said, giving me directions to where Gerard would soon be discharged and smiled at me warmly but with a sadness as I went to leave.  
I settled down in the waiting room with a coffee from a machine, but it still tasted like the best thing ever. Not only that, I had my phone back. Except now, I was almost too scared to check it. After draining my cup and working up courage, I slid it out and looked at it, noticing no messages from Frank, but several from Bet. I ignored them and shoved my phone back in my pocket, looking up to see Gerard in the doorway looking worse for wear, signing something and exchanging words with someone before turning in to look for the door. He didn't see me straight away, and I took the opportunity to try and read his eyes, concluding that he looked as worried as I must have done when I didn't know how he was.   
I didn't seek to extend that any longer for him, standing awkwardly, raising my hand.  
His face flooded with relief and he made his way over to me, throwing his arms as round me as well as he could, kissing my head.  
"Gerard. It's okay. You're okay." I murmered softly as he sobbed a little, desperate for him to be okay. More than okay.  
But he wasn't. He was covered in bruises and had a black eye, busted lip and a limp, explaining that he'd twisted his ankle falling down, prompting me to go to his side and hold him round the waist.  
He looked fondly at me and we left the hospital as quickly as we could, giving Gerard my phone, asking him to keep an eye out for calls from Frank, hoping he'd be out on bond sometime soon, or just released.   
"What do we do about the car?" I asked Gerard in the cab, who was looking worn out.   
"I don't know, baby. We can get it if you want. Do you think it's a risk?" He spoke quietly so not to alert the driver and get left on the side of the road.   
We decided to pull up down the street and I would go and check (despite Gerard insisting he go, with me firmly disagreeing), and casing the house, it seemed quiet. I cautiously took a picture of the car in relation to the house and gave it the once over quickly, worried that my brain had actually considered that it could be tampered with. I didn't know what Jack was capable of anymore.   
When I was satisfied that it was safe, I ran back to the line of sight of the cab and waved Gerard out, watching him pay the driver with cash I'd given him before making his way towards me, the pain that he was in making me feel more than sorry for him.   
I helped him into the car and carefully started the car, trying not to make it look obvious that I was being extra suspicious, not wanting to put either of us at risk again any time soon.  
Gerard looked as if he was going to cry the whole way back, but I could also tell that they'd dosed him up on painkillers, as the look in his eyes was all too familiar to me, and be didnt have the tolerance that I did. It took me back to the early days when only one tablet would fuck me up, lying in ecstasy as my body floated.   
I shook my head to shake the feeling and instead felt the pain of a hiding headache, hearing Gerard mention smoking.   
I couldn't think of anything better, putting myself out to sit him down and bring down a change of clothes and a blanket, instead picking up his skelton onesie. It would be easy to dress him in that, and it might make him feel more cozy and content. I wasn't going to grill him for answers as I knew he would tell me in time, and I almost didn't want to face any of it for a few hours and just focus on my baby getting better. And me.   
I slid down his stained jeans and underwear, drifting my hands to the fuzzy material as I slipped the foot holes over his toes, gently pulling it up as he awkwardly attempted to remove his t-shirt, stopping him and taking over, gasping faintly as I saw a map of purple bruises across his chest and what looked like finger marks on his neck.   
"Gerard." I sighed sadly, feeling a hatred for Jack I hadn't before "what happened?"  
He carefully moved his hair back from his beaten face and opened his mouth to reply, just as my phone started ringing on the table, snatching it up immediately. Frank. Thank fuck.  
"Frank, are you okay?" I asked, sitting besides Gerard so he could hear him through the phone.  
"How are you? And Gerard, what.." his voice sounded cracked and confused and it sent a spike of sadness through my spine.   
"He's fine." I placated, and Gerard welled up at the sound of a sob breaking through his voice.  
"Thank fuck. Thank fuck. And you? Yeah?"  
"Yeah." I breathed softly, looking down.  
"Are you being released or..?"   
"Yeah. I didn't tell them anything and they don't know fuck all else, so."  
I sighed in relief. "I didn't either. At all."   
I scorned the cops, wishing they could have read the signs for themselves, otherwise there wouldn't be vigilantes in every fucking city.   
"I'll come pick you up. I got the car back."   
"Thanks Stevie." He said sincerely "Will Gerard be okay on his own?"   
I opened my mouth and Gerard just nodded.  
"Uhh, he says so." I replied.  
"Oh yeah... no, that's right." He murmered and Gerard looked beyond sheepish.   
What? I didn't have time for this.  
"Look, I'm coming, you're welcome to stay if you wanna get any of your stuff on the way."   
There was a pause "Are you sure?"  
"Yes. Right, I'm on my way. Don't get into any more trouble." I half joked, before exchanging goodbyes.   
"You're explaining something to me later." I stared down at him. "Please, message or call me if anything happens. Anything."   
He nodded sincerely, reaching for me as I snatched up my coat.   
"I love you." He said, and I felt warm despite being freezing inside.   
I gently stroked the side of his face "I love you too."   
I didn't waste any time getting to Frank, motioning for him to get in as I slowed at the entrance, watching him awkwardly hop into the car, looking worse for wear, but not as badly as Gerard.   
"Frank, what happened?" I asked, keeping my eyes on the road.   
"We were stupid. And outnumbered. And unarmed." He sighed. "We should have told you, I got a threatening message and told Gerard and well, I couldn't stop him from going. So I was either leaving him or going with him." He pulled his hood up and sighed.   
"Well, I got blindsided too. Bet came over with this bullshit excuse and a fake black eye and talked fuckin' shit until I realised something was wrong.."   
"You were like a bat out of hell, Stevie. You were amazing." He said quietly and I looked at him briefly.   
"I didn't have a choice. I even brought Bet with me. Fuck knows where she ran off to."   
He didn't know what to say to that, so he didn't.   
We quickly pulled up to his place and I waited in the car as he shoved stuff into a bag, feeling as delighted as I could to see he had a decent stash.   
"To say thank you." He smirked as he shoved it in his pocket, zipping it up and doing a terrible job of masking the smell. I didn't care one inch.   
"That's the way to do it!" I laughed for the first time in what felt like an age, feeling more settled as we made our way back to Gerard.   
I guided Frank in, making sure the car wasn't in plain sight, hoping Bet hadn't told Jack where we were living. Gerard was curled up on the sofa smoking and shivering a little, locking the door and putting the heat on as Frank dropped his bag.  
"I'll take it up. Talk to Gerard." I whispered, making my way up the stairs, lingering for long enough to see Frank kneel down in front of him and watched Gerard hug him.   
I had no idea what fresh hell set all of this off, and I didn't have any intention of reading Bet's messages, knowing it was going to be either second hand threats or complete bullshit. All I knew is, I was fucking angry. Mostly sober and fucking pissed as hell, wanting nothing more than to waste Jack entirely for even touching Gerard. And Bet..I didnt and couldn't even breach the subject in my mind. I wanted to check out COMPLETELY, and I didn't want to rely on the pills. I rummaged in the kitchen cupboard and found our bong, rinsing it and carrying it into the living room, both boys looking at me hopefully.  
"Good plan?" I asked gently.  
"Yes." They both replied instantly, making me chuckle slightly and get a ghost of a smile from them both.  
"I'll get the comforter, Frank, you set this up. I'll order pizza and we can fucking stay here and look after each other. Cos after what just happened I don't want to let either of you out of my sights."  
Gerard looked more than guilty, and Frank did too.   
"Fair." He smiled, taking his stash out of his pocket.   
I didn't let them out of my sight at all for the remainder of the day, ending with me curled up against Gee watching Frank play The Walking Dead, thinking that it seemed much safer around the undead.   
I knew I had to fix this in some way, but at the same time, I had an urge to disappear.   
But not on my own this time. 

We were relaxing in the smoke-filled room we had holed up in, high as fuck with music playing in the background when I decided to tackle the subject.  
"What...what should we do?" I asked, and Gerard looked down at me, eyes bloodshot.   
"I want to fucking kill him." Frank murmered from his space on the armchair.  
"Don't we all." I sighed. "I need to know what the message said and who it was from." I looked at Frank and he shifted slightly, looking at Gerard. "Look at me." I demanded softly. "And tell me."   
Frank hesitated, but not for long. "Jack texted me. He's...got something on me. Though, not really now." He said shortly.   
"What does he have?" I asked gently, not wanting to scare him off from telling me the truth.   
"He said he was going to blame me for beating Bet. And that I had to go and talk to him, take Gerard or he'd report me, and she'd back it up. He sent me a picture of her."  
My eyebrows raised, confused. "B-but, her black eye wasn't real, they must have realised that pretty quickly, so why.."   
Gerard sighed lightly and I felt scared suddenly.  
"Guys. Tell me what's going on." I looked between them, determined to get my answer.  
"I don't know if it was fake, Stevie." Gerard murmered.   
I was bewildered. What? What the fuck?  
"So who...who beat her then?!" I was so confused, being ridiculously high the only thing keeping me stuck in my seat under Gerard's arm.   
I didn't wait for the answer, pulling my phone out from where I'd hidden it between the sofa cushions, going straight to the messages from Bet.   
Gerard was looking over my shoulder as I started to read.   
'Stevie, I'm sorry' came through in different variations of language at least five times, scrolling down to see the message at the bottom.   
'You were right about everything'.  
What did that mean? Was he looking at her phone, was she being purposefully ambiguous?   
"What does that mean?" I whispered, my eyes brimming with tears.   
"I don't know, Stevie. But I know that we need to be safe." He took my face in his hand, tilting it upwards. "But I feel like our options are...leave for a bit and wait for the dust to settle, or.."  
"I can't leave until I know Bet is safe.." I murmered.   
"Then we gotta think about this." Frank chimed in, and I looked to him.  
"Yeah. I guess we...I do. You don't need to get mixed up in this shit, I feel so awful what happened to you both. Maybe I should deal with this alone, like.." I started, but Gerard and Frank basically echoed-  
"We're not going anywhere." 

As I lay in bed with Gerard, I got as close as possible without hurting him, noticing he was still tender and in pain, giving him a pill, feeling his breathing slow as he held me, his head propped up on the pillows looking down at me.   
"Is this too much?" I asked gently.  
"What do you mean?" He furrowed his brows, looking sleepy and exhausted.   
"Dealing with...all of this shit." I summarised, not wanting to use too many words for fear of breaking down. I couldn't keep losing my shit, I felt the tension and I knew this was far from over.   
"I'd do anything for you." He looked down and stared at me. "I'd kill for you."   
My mouth opened, the reality of what he'd just said sinking in.   
"Me too."   
Soon after, he drifted off to sleep, but I found myself struggling to do the same. I stroked his face and watched him sleeping for a few moments before slipping out from under the covers, deciding I needed some water and padding downstairs barefoot, finding it easy to navigate Gerard's place with the lights off, counting the steps. Suddenly I heard a sound and froze. I could hear noises...but I wasn't sure what they stemmed from. I stopped on the steps and listened a little harder, blushing as I heard Frank moaning gently on the couch.   
"Fuck!" I heard him sigh and decided I couldn't pretend anymore, approaching the back of the sofa, hearing him gasp when he realised someone was there, the lamp flicking on, noticing he'd not bothered to stuff himself back into his pants first. Talk about caught with your dick out.   
"Shit, Stevie! We're all on edge you can't be creeping up on me like that!" He hissed, his dark eyes lust blown and his hair a mess.  
"I'm so sorry, Frank " I murmered apologetically. "I didn't want to...like, make you think I was just stood there listening to you..and you don't seem that bothered considering your dick's still out.." I laughed gently.   
His eyes darkened and narrowed at me. "How thankful are you for me and Gerard? But for arguments sake, me?" He asked suddenly, noticing his hand was still stroking his dick, and that there was a half-drunk bottle of rum on the table that he'd obviously hidden from Gerard.   
"What are you asking?" I raised an eyebrow at him, my brain still suspended in a cannabis haze.   
"I'm just saying...if you turned the light off it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world if you wanted to thank me...like, a one off.."  
I cursed my body for responding to his low drawling tone and hooded eyes, licking at my lips in nervousness.   
"Frank, you're not trying to cause trouble are you? Between me and Gerard?"  
He looked directly into my eyes. "No."  
I hesitated and paused before slowly reaching for the lamp, clicking it off and heading Frank sigh breathily.   
I was grateful. And this was slightly sick, but for some reason in my head it seemed like a good idea. I had no bad intentions and neither did he. I decided I wasn't going to swallow him down. I wouldn't go that far. But I did reach over his shoulder as I stood behind him, feeling in the dark before feeling something and hearing his breath hitch.  
"You keep quiet." I instructed lowly, hearing him moan softly.   
"O-okay. I won't say a word."   
As well as I could in the dark, with my face buried in his shoulder, I tugged him slowly, changing speed up constantly until he was panting harshly. I could practically count down in my mind when he was going to come, getting it almost to the second as he grunted harshly, and I felt a hot liquid cover my hand. I paused with my hand on him and he breathed a shuddering breath.   
"Th-thanks."   
"Don't mention it."  
I quickly shuffled back upstairs, washing my hands before climbing back into bed with Gerard. I wasn't sure what I'd just done, but it didn't feel wrong...I didn't know how it felt, except I knew it wouldn't affect anything. A one off. I just hoped he didn't ask Gerard for the same thing.  
If we were going to work together then living together might become problematic if anything were to happen between us. Except I knew their bond was strong and so was ours. I guess I trusted them both, but I loved Gerard so fiercely it hurt to think about.The circumstances surrounding our messy lives had rendered most things nonsensical.  
I really wanted for that to be over. I just wanted to be with Gerard. No violence, no depression, no confusion.   
I was filled with dread as I knew we had a task ahead of us, but I had never been more determined to fight.


	24. Do You Understand?

Gerard could tell I was a little off the next morning, and the fresh emotions of what had happened were still circling around my brain and stomach simultaneously, leaving me feeling sick and guilty.  
Frank had seen me and blushed before excusing himself to the shower- and very quickly, I might add. He must have known I was going to tell Gerard. How could I not?   
"Baby, what's up?" He purred into my ear, putting his arm around me and stroking the bare skin, irritatingly turning me on.   
I didn't deserve it and I couldn't hide it from him, I knew that much. I didn't however know that I was going to start crying, overwhelmed by all the things that had happened that were weighing me down like a ton of bricks.   
I looked up nervously at him, and his face dropped, raising an eyebrow in question.   
"Stevie, are you okay? Did something happen?"   
How did he know? Did he have a sexual sense? Like spider man but dirty? I pushed the random thought to the back of my mind.  
"I, uhh.." I started, rubbing at my eyes to dry them hastily, feeling guilty for letting myself rest my head against his chest. I didn't deserve it. "Last night.. something kind of well, happened, and..I can't.." I looked back up, knowing I had to look him in the eye.   
Looking again, I noticed his eyes were holding an expression that I wasn't expecting. Almost like he knew was I was about to say. "Gerard, what?" I asked, my voice hoarse from crying.   
"Look.." he lifted my chin up and looked into my eyes, almost seeming a little..not mad, but intense. "I know. I ran into Frank in the bathroom at an ungodly hour."   
Oh shit. I felt like I was in trouble. And I didn't know what kind.   
"I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to.." I started, almost expecting him to cut me off, and when he didn't, I carried on, noticing him listening to my explanation. "I don't know what the fuck I was thinking. That's really it." I was being honest. I didn't know.   
He smiled sadly and unexpectedly kissed my lips softly, making me feel warm. And confused. "I know things have been weird recently. And that the line between the three of us has been crossed and maybe became a little...blurred of late. So I'm not going to guilt trip you. You've done too much for me."  
I sighed, received. "Really? Thank you, I promise it won't happen again." And I meant it, the only slap Frank was getting from me again was around the face. Then Gerard said something that really made me come alive, a twisted sexual buzz going through me as he said "I made him jerk me off to get even, so.."   
My mouth fell open, and was too shocked to realise he was watching my face closely, clearly trying to read me. I blushed and stammered as he let go of my chin and moving back a little. "Did you?" I eventually said.  
"No, but I can see that that excited you." He said, sending me into another nervous stammer as he fucking smirked at me again. He was too much. And not nearly enough.   
"I didn't say it did!" I protested weakly, rubbing my hand against the furry material on his chest, feeling his heart beat. It was fairly quick. Maybe he liked the idea, too.   
"Maybe you do." I poked the bear, not expecting him to push me back against the arm of the sofa, leaning over me, one knee adjacent to my hip, and I could only look up at him, the atmosphere palpable.   
"Maybe he should. Maybe I'll even make him suck it, just for fuckin' pushing it. I don't share." He practically snarled, nipping at my neck and making me gasp.   
"Gerard, fuck." I sighed, trying not to pant shamelessly, despite being alight.   
"And you're gonna tell him what to do." He stared down at me, not sure if he was even blinking or not. Did I want that?   
Maybe I did. Was that bad? "What do you say?"   
I opened my mouth, but nothing came out, and Gerard looked amused. "Your lack of response is all the answer I need."   
"I... It was your idea!"   
"Mmm, it was. Because I think I need to really put the stamp on this. Because you and me are meant to be together. Nobody else gets a look in. Understand?"   
Fuck, he was really saying this. I expected to feel threatened but instead I felt protected, as the light shined on just how much Gerard loved me and wanted to keep me to himself. I didn't want to share him, either. When our bodies move together, it feels so right that I would never want to tamper with such a beautiful dance. And I didn't normally think soppy shit like this, but I was really starting to believe in true love as, truth be told, I'd never experienced it properly with anyone else apart from Gerard.  
That thought took hold of me, and I took hold of his hair, watching his face darken.  
"I fucking love you so much." I murmered, his eyes welling up a little. "I want to be yours. And I'm a feminist, so. That's big."  
He laughed tearfully and paused a moment before recapturing my lips in a passionate kiss, feeling his hips pressing against mine.   
"I stand by what I said." He defiantly said as he reluctantly stopped kissing me. "Call it a last hurrah before your body.." he paused as he slid his hand over my breast and squeezed, a gasp falling from my lips "is all mine. And mine is yours."   
I nodded, almost in a daze, a haze of love and lust. Knowing it was about to get X rated, I was feeling less unsure and more turned on, not remembering the last time Frank had tongued Gerard's slit very well, and not minding an ounce that I was about to have a refresher. A dirty one.   
He pulled himself off me and stared me down as I stayed pinned down where he'd left me, watching every move he made.   
He said nothing more, just turned and drifted up the stairs where I could hear Frank moving around, the shower running sound ceasing. Oh god. Was Gerard going to bring him down all wet and slippery...or was that all me? I hugged my knees as I waited anxiously for what Frank's reaction was going to be. Unless he already knew. Gerard didn't mess around.   
My heart pounded as I heard footsteps on the stairs, not wanting to turn around and bristling when I realised it was two pairs.   
Fuuuck. I was going to move when I heard Gerard say "Stay right there. Good girl." And froze, my cheeks flushing.   
He sat down next to me and motioned for Frank to sit opposite him on the coffee table.   
He glanced nervously at me and half smiled, clearly still feeling strange about what he'd asked me to do. But did he know what Gerard had in store for him?   
"So, Frank.." he started, looking him up and down. His hair was half wet, but he'd pulled clothes on. "I was talking to Stevie about your little misadventure last night."  
Frank looked away from Gerard, shifting on the table. "I'm sorry, I don't know what I was thinking-" Frank started, looking awfully cute when nervous, peering out from under his bangs, nervously sweeping them away with his fingers and looking up at Gerard.   
"And I said I'll forgive it.."   
Frank raised an eyebrow, knowing there was going to be more as he'd trailed off, and he knew how possessive and twisted his friend could be, and surprised me by saying "And what, Gerard?" He got to his knees on the floor in front of him, and looked up at him submissively. "Knowing how depraved you are, you definitely have some sort of punishment planned."   
I was taken aback. I didn't realise Gerard was as kinky as Frank was making out, and my heart raced, thinking what we could do together alone in a candle lit room.   
Gerard smirked down at him, leaning forwards and taking his chin just like he did mine, but it wasn't with the same intention.   
I was hypnotized watching Frank look up at Gerard with his big brown eyes, understanding why I was attracted to Frank, but why it couldn't be official. The dark and mysterious man holding his face was, because he wasn't just an attractive guy, he was a singular beauty, and he had a personality like none other. He looked down at Frank and (quite painfully) lowly uttered "I know you want me, but you know you can't have me.."   
My mouth dropped open, noticing Frank looked embarrassed but also like he needed to hear it.   
"But that doesn't mean that you can touch my girlfriend."   
"I-I-" Frank started, about to apologise profusely.  
"It's okay, I understand. But I hope you know that means that I can get even."  
There was a silence as Frank simply looked at him. He broke it after a few moments, murmuring "What are you gonna make me do?"   
"You're going to suck my dick." Gerard said bluntly, and I couldn't help but gasp a little. He was so forward. He slipped his fingers from Frank's chin to his cheeks and squeezed, puckering his lips. "And Stevie is gonna tell me exactly what she wants you to do...do you understand?"   
Frank gulped, his chest heaving, nodding uncertainly.   
Gerard freed his face and looked at me as he sat back, starting to unbutton his onesie. "That alright with you, sugar?"   
I just nodded. It's all I could do.  
Gerard stood and tugged the sleeves off, pushing it down until it was hanging around his waist, sitting back down and opening his legs where Frank was sat, reclining and sighing, already hard.   
"Get it out" I heard myself say, my voice sounding alien in the near-silent house.   
Gerard smirked at me and moaned gently as Frank eased the zip lower, releasing Gerard's dick and looking up at him as he curled his hand around it, his eyes drifting to me. It felt so strange to have this interaction, but I didn't want to pass this up. So I guess I was going to tell him what to do.  
I nudged Frank's hand away and took his dick in my own, telling Frank to stick out his tongue, sliding it up and down against Gerard's slit, watching the pre-cum stain his tongue. Gerard sighed breathily and looked at me almost surprised, but more proud.   
I was holding his hair away from his face as he (as per my request) was sucking wetly on the head of his dick, making sounds that made my toes curl. Gerard had taken to reclining, his lip between his teeth.   
"Deeper.." I instructed, watching as Frank sank his lips around the wet skin, hearing him gag slightly as Gerard hit the back of his throat.   
"Fuck..Frank.." Gerard said falteringly, sighing in pleasure. He grunted as Frank tried to pull off so he could reply, and grabbed his hair "did I say you could stop?"   
I throbbed violently. This was so hot. I didn't know if it was sick or weird or any other similar mark of disdain, as I had none.   
"Run your tongue up and down it." I said softly as I knelt besides Frank, watching the saliva drip from his lips more than satisfying after the stunt he pulled the night before. He looked so wasted, gagging and bloodshot eyes and smeared eyeliner, it was a sight to remember, I knew that much.   
His tongue teased him until he was panting, feeling the internal urge to push for more.   
"Suck his balls" I said bravely, Gerard looking impressed as well as wrecked. He was clearly enjoying getting his revenge, his hips rising as little 'ah ah ah's fell from his bitten lips. His teeth bit harder as Frank obeyed my command, sucking Gerard's tight hanging skin into his mouth, no doubt using his tongue to tease. Gerard loved being teased.   
I couldn't help but hold his dick and angle it away from Frank as I rested my head on the his pale thighs, which were getting a little thicker as we ate our cravings in our attempted sobriety, and I loved it. I just wanted to push them apart and feel them with my fingertips, slide my tongue between them and make him moan.   
"Fuck, that's nice.." he sighed dreamily, a grin playing in his lips as I grabbed Frank by his hair and pulled his mouth off Gerard, looking at me with spit all over his face like a whore. I couldn't help but the think that the saliva could be put to good use.   
I hesitated a moment and Gerard caught me, gazing down at me, his reactions softened by the pleasure he was receiving. "What, you dirty dirty girl?" He smiled with one side of his mouth, a trait that always made me want to jump his bones for being the most adorable thing alive.  
"Just tell me." He demanded, pulling Frank up on his knees. "What do you want to see?" He kissed Frank roughly and he tried to kiss him again but Gerard stopped him, putting a finger on his lips. "I think she wants you to eat my ass but won't admit it"  
How the fuck did he read my mind so consistently? It was infuriating but endearing all at once.   
"Fine, yes. I do." I whispered before capturing Gerard's lips in a hot kiss, breaking away to whisper in his ear that I wanted him on his knees, and his eyes flashed.   
Frank continued to be quiet and submissive, and I knew that he was doing this because of his guilt, but also his attraction to Gerard and the awareness that he wasn't going to be able to touch him like this perhaps ever again. That, and the image I had in my mind was something I wanted to surely play out, as awful as that may seem.   
Gerard stood and looked down at his onesie, which had gone from hiked around his thighs to pooled around his feet, looking dismissively at it before clinging onto his knees on the sofa facing the arm of the sofa, excited for what was about to happen.   
Frank looked up at me and spoke for the first time in s while, and it made me start.  
"Do you wanna see me eat his tight little hole?" He drawled, seemingly drunk in the circumstances.   
"Get your face in there and shut up." I said warningly, tingling all over as I watched Frank gently ease his cheeks apart, drinking in the sight before he eased his head closer, expecting him to start to fuck him with his tongue, instead opting for spitting crudely on his tight pucker, hearing a drawn out moan from Gerard, watching Frank tease his tongue around him (infuriatingly so, I imagine), before circling around to crouch where Gerard's head was suspended above the arm of the sofa, pleased to see his face twitch in pleasure, breathing heavily.  
"Stevie.." he groaned, and I groaned back, pushing his hair away that hung in his pretty, desperate face. I brushed his hair back with my fingers and tilted my face to kiss him, only lips, his trembling beneath mine. The look on his face and the breathy moans accompanied by Frank's wet noises was obscene, but I wanted to hear more.   
"Touch him." I said to Frank and he broke contact to look at me, lips shining. He wrapped an arm round Gerard's waist and started to tug on him steadily, using his other hands to part his cheeks again, running his tongue around and poking in and out of Gerard's hole, his moans getting louder.   
"Stevie.." Gerard whispered urgently after a long moment, and I held his face.  
"What, baby?" I asked lowly, enjoying the sight of him entirely too much.   
"I don't wanna come." He admitted, his eyes magnetised to mine.   
"No?" I asked quietly, motioning to Frank to to his hand off, noticing his eyes were lust blown as he let go of Gerard completely, sitting back in a daze as Gerard flopped down onto the sofa.   
"Because.." he started, trying to catch his breath, shooting a glance at Frank. "I'm not done yet."   
Frank looked mildly alarmed, and my heart started to pound. He had the upper hand here, what was he going to do?   
"I'm going to make it clear who you belong to." He said as an answer, Frank's eyes widening as he wiped crudely at his lips with his sleeve, moving back to let Gerard sit, not bothering to pull his onesie up.   
"How..how are you going to do that?" I practically whispered, my heart feeling like it was in my throat. He swept his hair back and got to his feet, guiding me to sit where he was, but pushed me sideways so my head was on Frank's lap, looking up at him nervously. His look was impossible to discern.   
"I'm going to lay my claim to you...right here on the couch." He purred down at me as he leaned in to pull my shirt from the bottom, my hands coming up on instinct to cover my breasts, but Gerard shooed them away.   
"Uh-uh. You're going to lie there naked and take what I give you, and Frank is gonna watch. Isn't that right, Frankie?" He looked hard up at him, daring him to say no.   
"Fine." Frank muttered, eyes flicking to me once more before they were distracted by Gerard's hands pulling at my loose pants, revealing my commando state beneath.   
He was close to me, his body heat singing my skin and filling me with a dirty urge, a need to touch him. I knew exactly what he was doing and I half wished I didn't enjoy the idea so much. I was annoyed at Frank for talking to me the way he did, guilt tripping a girl he knew full well found him attractive, and I wanted him to see Gerard fuck me. And he was going to fuck me. More often than not, I ended up bouncing in his lap as he panted and sucked on my shoulder to encourage me by moaning into my ear, but this time I could tell he had an agenda and it entirely involved taking me hard and probably making me scream. And he knew just how to do that. Frank knew that better than most. Even when he was just lazily spreading my lips with his fingers and slowly sucking on my clit in front of the TV, he still had me crying out. And he made me sob even when he fucked me missionary, moving his hips in a way I could only describe as sinful, gasping in pleasure as he pressed his soft skin against my clit as his dick pumped in and out of me, considering every movement he made.   
He hadn't put a condom on, and was straddling me, working his hands over every inch of me, pinching at my nipples and stroking down my stomach.   
"I need you both to understand.." he looked at both of us in turn "what the situation is." He paused, but we wouldn't say a word; he had us hypnotized with the way he was moving and speaking and staring us down. He helped me part my thighs so they were around his hips and started idly rubbing at my clit with his thumb, feeling like a string being plucked on a guitar that hadn't been played in an age.   
"See, I know me and you have..had relations.." he aimed at Frank "and that you have with Stevie, too. But you see, that doesn't mean that you can touch her. Do you get it, Frank?" His voice was even and low, not a hint of aggression to it but unnerving nonetheless.   
"I said did you get it, Frank?" He repeated when he received no response, and I heard Frank mutter an agreement, taken aback and at a loss for words. "Because you might be a good fuck, but nobody can fuck her like I can."   
I gasped loudly as he slid his cock into me without warning, hearing Frank make a similar noise when he noticed what I was reacting to. Gerard started to fuck me hard and fast, and I had to stop a smug grin covering my face, already feeling such intensity from the way he was taking me, and the strange situation we had found ourselves in. Especially the being watched part.   
"Though I understand." Gerard murmered haltering as he looked down at me who was open-mouthed, smirking. "Cos she's so fucking tight and wet. It's like fucking an eighteen year old."  
I moaned loudly, not able to believe that he'd actually just said what he did. I know he was taking it too far on purpose and so far, I had no complaints.   
"And her tits are just perfect, fuck.." Gerard leaned down to take one in his mouth, sucking noisily on my nipple as I looked up to see Frank bright red, but bearing no resistance. "And even though I'm fuckin' big, she can even take it when I hike her pretty little ankles up on my shoulders." He demonstrated and my head fell back, the intensity (almost painfully so, but not quite) of what he was doing knotting my insides.  
I helplessly cried out his name and he looked pityingly down at me, swiping his thumb across my lips, pouting playfully.  
"Aww, what's wrong?"  
I couldn't answer, only gasp, the searing pleasure fizzing through me.   
He continued "I hope you can take it baby, cos I had something a little more planned for you. But if you can't take it, well.." he trailed off, never ceasing the motion of thrusting mercilessly into me, our skin slapping together and my breasts heaving, still very aware that I was lying on Frank while being fucked by his best friend. Not only that, I was now in anticipation for what he was planning. Could I take it? He was so big and I hadn't had any practice. I just knew I wanted to try.   
"I can." I managed to say convincingly.  
"Can? Or want to, because you like being watched, slut?" He glowered at me, biting at his lip as he obviously felt the same sensation.   
I whimpered, reaching out to touch his skin, almost pleadingly, not saying a word against what he'd just said to me. I didn't dare.   
He soon had his hand in my hair and pulled me up to kiss him roughly before dropping my head into Frank's lap again, not being able to stop myself from looking at him, silent but somehow suspended in Gerard's bent fantasy.   
He pulled out and moved back, telling me to "get on my knees", buzzing with embarrassment as I knew my head would be right in frank's lap. He'd obviously planned this, and my stomach turned, feeling more than exposed as Gerard climbed back on the sofa behind me, taking my hips in his large rough hands, biting gently at my ass, starting to pant harshly as he started focusing on my ass with his tongue, clearly intending to have his dick in it, lubing me up. His tongue worked me tortuously, hearing him spit on me, my eyes rolling back. Fuck. He was gonna do it.   
I tensed initially when he started to push his first finger in, making a strangled sound to the alien sensation. I found that it almost made my pussy throb harder than being teased there, and I didn't know why but when I thought of him fucking his dick into me, it almost made me groan in excitement.   
A sound akin to this left my lips as he had to stop just as he was pushing in a second finger, whining slightly.  
"Just relax.." It was Frank's voice. "He'll be gentle."   
Jesus christ, that just wound me up even more. I was gasping harshly as his second digit sunk down to the knuckle, the feelings harsh and thrilling, moaning disgustingly loudly as he pressed his fingers against my g-spot, even hearing Frank sigh.   
"Good girl." Gerard praised, rubbing a thumb over my clit and making me sob hard. "It might hurt at first but... I'll take care of you." He murmered down to me, not bothering to use a condom as he pressed the blunt end of his dick against my entrance, feeling as if I wanted to stop it due to blind fear, but allowing myself to give it a chance. After all, this is what he did to Frank, and if Frank can take it, I'm going to.   
"You okay?"   
I just nodded, trying to relax as I felt an increasing tension, closing my eyes and attempting to bypass the discomfort, eventually managing to and starting to feel a hot desire, one that was amplified by being bent over Frank and called a slut, and I was completely into it. I couldn't argue.  
"Fuck, Gerard!" I cried out urgently.  
"You're so...so tight, fuck" he cursed in response, giving it me a little harder as he knew I could take it, vaguely noticing Frank look impressed. That just made me feel sicker and hornier, crying out as Gerard pulled my upper body back towards his, pressing his lips against my ear.  
"You're all mine, do you understand?"   
"Y..yes Gerard. Please. Just don't stop, fuck, I'm gonna come." I managed to get out, Frank unable to stop himself from watching.   
"Okay. Come on then, sugar. Let Frank watch me come inside you, hear you moan.." he slipped a hand over my clit and started rubbing relentlessly, the crescendo building so high it had to fall.  
And it fell hard. I sobbed uncontrollably, my body being taken into the grips of a fierce orgasm, being blinded to my surroundings and only able to hear Gerard cursing and grunting, being able to tell how close he was. But he didn't like to until I'd finished, he wasn't selfish. He couldn't stop this one, hearing a surprise in his voice as he cried out, sounding like a porn star and sweating like one too.  
My body moved with his as he breathed harshly as he started to come down, his hands still around my waist, blindly looking up at Frank. Frank looked right back at him.  
"Now do you understand, Frank?" He asked breathlessly but daring him to say no.   
"Yes Gerard. I understand."   
We were still under the spell of him and it took a while to wear off, Frank looking exhausted leaning back against the sofa checking his phone as I pulled my clothes back on, not wanting Gerard to ever stop touching me.   
I didn't have a complete run down of what had just happened in my head, but sitting wasn't as comfortable for a while, I knew that. Things had been such a mess for so long that the lines had blurred and accidents made, even among friends. Gerard's way of dealing with it could be seen as sick or bent, but to be quite honest, I loved it. And I know I shouldn't appreciate the way he claimed ownership to me but really, I saw him as mine, too.   
All I could think of was what we could do and where we could go, and how brilliant we would be together.   
But we had some shit to sort out first.


	25. Looking Back

We'd heard through a friend that one of Gerard and Jack's mutual friends were having a party, and me and Frank were weighing up the options of what to do, Gerard at work. I was going to report to him at lunch and take him some food. I just wanted to see him, really. I missed him when he wasn't around.  
"Who do you think Seth is more likely to side with?" I asked Frank as I kicked off my shoes after returning from an errand, unable to get the topic out of my head. I was worried about Bet, and me and Jack had unfinished business, that much I knew.  
"I really don't know. Depends on what shit's been spread and who to." He responded from the couch where he was tuning his guitar. I couldn't help but think the guys should jam, I truly wanted to hear Gerard's beautiful singing voice again. The first two times had been so special, I just wanted more, like a drug.  
"I just think we need to get this shit sorted. At what cost I don't know, but I don't know if it's a good idea to let Gerard go near him. He might kill him."  
"Shame." Frank snorted in response and I gave him a look as I sat down in the armchair, not really wanting to perpetuate violence, but also really wanting to at the same time. But I wanted to do it. I wanted to face the bastard that I once thought I was supposed to be with, and remind him how wrong that perception is. I wanted to fuck him up even more than Gerard did, especially as I had a suspicion that Jack was being violent to Bet. And I knew that having it confirmed would be like lighting the fuse to a dynamite. Hopefully not one that would kill him, I found myself thinking, and I really should have been concerned by how little it bothered me to think it.  
"I just don't hope he doesn't find out about my gig on Saturday. I was gonna have Gerard sing, but it makes me kinda nervous.."  
I stopped and stared at him "Gerard's gonna sing?" My heart filled with hope and he smiled slightly. "His voice is amazing."  
"Yeah, he's always been a good singer, but never let himself perform much. And if this were to go wrong, it'd scare him off for life."  
"How come?" I asked nervously, wondering why Gerard hadn't mentioned it to me yet.  
He shrugged "Dunno. He's never really given me a straight answer."  
I pondered this for a moment before realising I was supposed to be meeting Gerard for lunch, saying goodbye to Frank. He waved and smiled, relieved we could be around each other in at least a relatively normal way, as I did rely on him as a friend despite his initial contact with me being via Gerard.  
As I made my way to meet Gerard at the coffee shop that coincidentally I first bumped into him at, I was feeling a renewed love for him as I recalled when we rekindled whatever it was we were. I thought that as time went by that I would feel less excitement when I saw him, but every look he gave me, any innuendo or sly compliment- even down to the way he spoke, the way he said my name. It all summed up to a love that was unrivalled.  
I was thinking the same thing as I sat down, being impressed that I'd gotten there before him. It sounds stupid, but whenever he came in anywhere, the butterflies just went crazy. He had literally just claimed ownership of me and I was still seeing him as if I was a lovestruck teenage girl. As I waited I wondered what Gerard thought about us, or if he did. 

Gerard's POV  
It's probably stupid, I bet she doesn't even think about stuff that happened in the past and maybe I'm a loser for chasing her around, but my god, I really fucking love her. I remember one day she came back to my parents house at lunch, as we just decided to bunk off the afternoon at school, figuring that we'd already got into enough trouble that this couldn't possibly affect us. That's how we used to think back then.  
I wish we could think like that now. 

"Hey, are you coming or what?" Stevie grinned at me, seeming more than keen to get the hell out of school. A part of me wished it was because she wanted to spend time with me, maybe kiss me a little bit..  
We'd kissed before, and it had gotten almost out of control the last time we used tongues, I found myself desperate to touch her but had to hold back because I didn't want to seem like I was coming on too hard. At the same time, I was getting uncontrollable urges to go further. I had an idea of what to do, I'd watched some cheesy porn as I wanted to please her if she ever asked me to do anything to her, but I didn't want to disappoint her, not at all. She was my best friend and the fact that we had found a romantic connection excited me.  
I couldn't lie.  
I watched her sweep back her messy blonde hair as she came back towards me, taking my hand. Woah. That felt weird.  
"You okay?" She asked, her dark eyes peering into mine and making my stomach lurch.  
"Y-yeah, I'm fine." I said, less confidently than I'd hoped.  
She stopped me as we got to the top of the basement steps, hoping I'd cleaned my room enough that she didn't think I was too dirty to touch. Unless she wanted that.  
"Gee, you're acting weird." She raised her eyebrow, getting closer than she probably needed to. "You know the agreement. Spill it."  
Fuck, I knew she was gonna do this. We didn't keep secrets, we weren't allowed. The punishment was usually pretty dire and, over time we'd realised we got on better when we were upfront. But did I really just want to say "I want to take your virginity."?  
Probably not.  
I felt myself flush and ushered Stevie down the stairs promising her a response, watching her shed her jacket and kick off her baseball boots. She always made herself comfortable, which made it even harder for me to resist her.  
She stared up at me as I nervously stood in front of my bed that she'd climbed onto, asking where my stash was, almost as if she'd forgotten that she'd asked me to spill my guts to her.  
She looked at me out of the corner of her eye as she searched and said "Yeah, you're still gonna tell me."  
I sighed and grabbed my weed tin, throwing it to her as I sat on the bed next to her as she lit up, muttering something about being glad it was Friday. Her eyes were red as she faced me and took my hand, squeezing it and entirely surprising me.  
"I didn't think you were going to be this weird about it." She half laughed, and I was confused. What did she mean? I challenged her and she laughed gently and paused before putting the joint in the ashtray and climbing towards me on all fours. Shit. It'd be wrong if I DIDN'T kiss her.  
She smiled shyly as she climbed in my lap, pressing her lips against mine softly before moving back to check my expression.  
"I think I want to.. go further with you, Gerard." She murmered, and my heart started to pound. Fuck. Remember the training.  
"Yeah? Well, whatever you're comfortable with." I wanted her to control whatever it was we were going to do, I had no clue how to orchestrate something like this. But I knew I wanted it. I'd been thinking about sliding her pants down from under her skirt and tasting her more than once, and I would be lying if I said that if I let my animal instincts take over that I'd be fucking her stupid, but I knew better.  
"Cos I know you're holding back." She challenged, disappointing me by moving back, sitting with her legs still open around my waist, trying not to look between her legs. If she was wet, it was going to be hard work not to slide my finger inside her.  
"I...I have to. I'm a guy." I answered, figuring she'd rather hear the truth as she kept asking me to give it.  
"I want to hear what you actually want to do to me." She looked at me from under her lashes, clearly not holding back.  
"I.." I hesitated, looking at her face for guidance and seeing nothing but expectation.  
"I've felt your erection when you dry fuck me with your tongue in my mouth. Don't you think I know where this is going?"  
My eyes widened, equal amounts surprised and turned on. Guess I wasn't as subtle as I was trying to be.  
"So tell me, or I'll tell you." She smiled sweetly and took to smoking again, clearly waiting for an answer one way or another.  
"Yeah, I do..I mean, I have thought about touching you..where I haven't before."  
She was blushing now, forgetting her joint was lit and watching ash fall onto her t-shirt.  
"Yeah? What else?" Her voice had dropped and gone straight to my dick, feeling it twitch.  
"And I want to taste you.. I bet you taste good." I heard the words leaving my mouth with no clue what pushed the words out. But she seemed to be enjoying what I was saying. And it's not like it was a lie.  
"Yeah, I'd...I'd like that.." she whispered, looking up at me with a renewed expression. She was horny and she wanted me. I wasn't about to pass that up.  
"O-okay. Let me kiss you first. I've been wanting to all day."  
"Yeah, okay. Come here.."  
I found myself straddling her waist, noticing she liked being under me. I leaned down into her body, feeling how warm she was. I knew how to kiss at least, she always seemed content with that. I kissed her softly a little before licking her lip playfully, hoping she'll grant me entrance. When she does, I meet her tongue and notice she is as as hungry for it as I am, and then I start to lose control. But this time, I made myself wait, kissing her for as long as she wanted, waiting for her to pause and sigh against my lips.  
"Maybe you should...take my skirt off?" She suggested, and I buzzed. She wanted to do this like, right now. Fuck. Talk about learn on the job.  
I did as she asked, letting my fingers brush her skin, getting more confident every time she gasped gently or moaned softly. If she was going to make more noises than that, I would love it. I'd slid it down and off before I let myself look at her, the soft cotton clinging to her pussy, a damp patch right in the centre. I rubbed my thumb over it and felt her stiffen, looking up in caution, but noticing it was positive. She urged me on with a look, and I gently pressed my lips against the material, mouthing at it, my lips catching on it, teasing my tongue out to rub up and down it. She was getting louder and I had never been so turned on, ready to do whatever she asked of me.  
"I- AH, should maybe touch you first-" she started, seeming a little embarrassed about how much she was enjoying my tongue on her.  
"Shh. Relax." I breathed from my space between her legs. "I want to do this."  
I put my fingers in the elastic of her waistband, tugging them down, my mouth going dry. That was the last thing I needed.  
I was so busy trying to create moisture in my mouth, that I hadn't noticed how perfect she looked. She was wet as hell, and her pussy just begged me to lick it.  
"I'm serious.." I continued, catching her eye. "I want to eat you, make you squirm."  
She gasped and jolted, unsure initially if I'd said the right thing. "Fuck, it's hot when you talk like that."  
I smirked at her, realising I was going to learn a lot about what she liked and how to exploit it to hopefully not become the world's worst lay.  
"And the smirk. You know it turns me on."  
I smirked again, touching her thighs and enjoying watching her writhe. I focused my attention back on the target, not even thinking twice before starting to stroke her wet heat with my tongue, noticing she tasted good. I searched for her clit as she moaned breathlessly, feeling her hand in my hair. God, I liked that. I started to tongue her more urgently, using my fingers to part the skin and explore her, finding the spot I'm sure she was hoping I would find before wrapping my lips around it, almost yelping as her hand tightened in my hair. I came up for air, asking "how's that?"  
She just nodded urgently, pushing my head back down. I guess it was good.. Now, what came after this? And how far did she want to go? Did I just stick my finger in her without asking?  
She must have noticed my hesitation, biting her lip as she gazed down at me, her cheeks pink. "You can..y'know, use your fingers. But maybe one first.."  
I noted the advice and also her sudden shyness, which struck me as endearing as it clearly meant that there was unadulterated filth going on behind those eyes.  
I murmered a yeah in agreement, already experimenting with teasing my finger over her clit, which is something she responded super positively to, but I knew what she wanted me to do, and there was a certain trepidation about both treating her well, and do a good job of it on top of that. My confidence rose with every thready breathy moan that rose from her lips, enough so that I started pushing a finger inside her, heading small sounds of pain, immediately looking up at her, stilling my hand.  
"It's okay Gerard. It's going to happen at some point, and I want it to be you."  
I gazed at her, feeling quite touched by what she'd just said.  
"Or, if it helps...stick your finger in me and go to town until you make it or break it."  
She always had a way with words.  
"Because watching you between my legs is making me want to fuck you, and I can't do that until..AH, Gerard, fuck!" She had gone bright red and her mouth was hanging open. I'd pushed my finger all the way in and something had broken. And we both knew what that meant.  
"Are you okay?" I asked soothingly, or at least what I hoped was.  
"Fuck, yeah, I'm okay.." she was peering at ms from under her lashes, and it was tough not to ram my cock into her right then. She'd not seen it properly, and could feel differently when she does. "Use another finger." She advised me, and I noticed the strain on her face, but she said nothing. At least, not straight away. When she did start talking, her voice was husky and fucked-out, looking like an angel with her thighs pushed up and her feet near my shoulders.  
"I don't know what I'm taking yet, I want a closer look.." she gently pushed me off her, having had her fill for the moment, and looking curious and excited about seeing my dick. I was worried because women stereotypically talk about stuff like that, and I didn't really want anyone else but Stevie knowing what it looked like. Somehow, I trusted that she wouldn't do that, and that this really was just between me and her.  
It definitely felt that way as she didn't hesitate to pull my shirt off and to slide a hand up my leg, finding my dick pretty quickly. I swallowed my pride as she made me raise my hips so she could slide off my boxers, looking away as I heard a noise. Some kind of exhale and huff coming from where my cock stood hard against my stomach, noticing the tip was wet, wishing upon wishes that she would lap it up like a kitten. Fuck, there come the weird thoughts when your brain is in super sexual mode.  
She narrowed her eyes at me before doing exactly what I'd pictured her doing, shuddering harshly.  
"Are you okay?"  
I realised I'd fallen into an awkward silence and that that was never the aim with something like this...right?  
"Yeah, yeah I'm..I'm good." I mumbled, touching her hair gently, noticing she still had her hand around me. Please move it. Not away...up and down. Whatever. God.  
"You don't have anything to be ashamed of." She said bluntly. "don't tell me you've not jerked off and thought 'hey, my dick's pretty big'?"  
I laughed out loud, appreciating her efforts to chill me out. That only made me feel dirty proud, though. Maybe if she liked it, she would never sleep with anyone else? Is that how it works?  
"Stop thinking so much." She whispered, making me look at her by carefully holding my face. Fuck. She'd only ever done that before when we were making out.  
I tried to take her advice, eyes drifting to her t-shirt, wondering if she was gonna take it off for me. Like she was reading my mind, she said "you can take it off, y'know."  
I did, but slowly. I didn't want her to think I was too eager, despite being exactly that. I'd touched her outside of her t-shirt, and glimpsed her changing once, but I'd never been able to touch them properly. I knew she was self conscious about the fact she didn't think they were big enough, but little did she know that all I heard when she was talking was "I don't care, let me shove my face between them."  
I decided to start playing it cool, noticing the silence falling around us and feeling a push from inside that encouraged me. Her bra was delicate and feminine, which wasn't exactly what I expected of her, tomboyish but sexy at the same time. It reminded me of her womanhood and gave me a renewed energy, taking her in my arms and wrestling with her bra strap, cursing myself as it took me a few tries. I realised she was leaning into me, pulling at my shirt and feeling our skin touch, a crazy and intense electricity spiking through me. Fuck.  
"Gerard, I still want to.. y'know.." she said against my lips, surprising me by wrapping her hand around me as soon as she'd rid me of my t-shirt, moaning softly as I freed her breasts and started to caress them, not wanting to be too rough.  
"Where did you get your moves?" Stevie purred against my ear as she sought to get closer, wondering if she had experience and didn't let on, or whether she was just really into what we were doing. "Of course you're not going to tell me.." she smirked as I just stared in silence, looking at her body. She was pale and curvy and beautiful. I wanted nothing more than to just go to town on her, bruise her skin with kisses and suck on her pulse, maybe even fuck her..  
She pushed me down so she could rest in my lap, her face the closest it had ever been to my dick, not being able to avoid looking nervous at all.  
"You're worrying now." I protested, and managed to coax a smile from her. "Just do what feels right." I supplied, and I figured it was pretty good advice, considering I'd heard her say more filthy things and flirt with me a little more, lingering touches and reporting to me that she was horny, because she wanted me to sate the lust. And I was more than happy to oblige.  
My thoughts were interrupted by feeling a warm and wet feeling on my over-sensitive cock. I looked down and my eyes widened. Fuck. She was really doing it. And fuck, it felt so good. Too good almost. I couldn't help but choke a little, trying not to scare her off or come in her mouth after ten seconds and put her off me forever.  
I sighed happily, extremely turned on by the image alone of her head bobbing in my lap, and shot with ecstasy as I felt the almost painfully urgent pleasure make me throb between her lips. She looked hotter sucking my dick in person than in my fantasies.  
As I lay back for her to suck me and yeah, it was a little inexperienced, I didn't have much basis for comparison, and I knew the only thing that mattered was that she was willing to try with me. To learn, explore, enjoy. I was glad of this as I knew I was going to have some shortcomings, terrified of when she'd asked me to fuck her, so intensely turned on that I felt that if I slipped it into her tight, warm..fuck..  
"Wow, you're really enjoying this." Stevie's voice broke my train of thought, making my hips shake as she licked me slowly, looking as if she had something to say.  
"I, I am, you're making me feel so good.." I said truthfully, and watched her pretty face inevitably flush. She didn't like recieving compliments and never knew how to handle them, which only made me give them more.  
"I.. I was wondering," she started as she sat besides me, sneaking glances at my naked body and resisting the urge to cover myself. She probably felt exactly the same, and she shouldn't.  
"Yeah, what were you wonderin'?" I asked after kissing her lips softly.  
"Mmm..I was wondering if you wanted to like...y'know, break me in."  
I spluttered but I wasn't actually surprised by that, she had the tendency to be crude and blunt to distract from romantic moments. It almost made me love her more.  
Shit. Do I love her? I didn't know. I did know that I felt comfortable enough to jump in that far, but I knew I wanted to give her what was asking for. More and more by the second, in fact.  
"Lie down with me." I slid down and pulled her against me, one hand resting on her stomach and my face buried in her neck.  
"Mm Gerard, I didn't know you were gonna make me feel this good.."  
I was startled a moment, considering the idea that it was a surprise coming from me, and I guess that was exactly right. Yeah I was a little chubby, yeah maybe I wore my clothes bigger than I needed to, but I knew who I was, and I felt so lucky that Stevie seemed to find me endlessly attractive, her hands touching me as much as they possibly could, watching her enjoy exploring my body.  
I straddled her and leaned down, kissing her insistently, loving that there was so much left unsaid, and it felt right, almost as if I had to use the emotions to power myself through sex with Stevie, and I had every intention of doing that.  
I kissed her neck a little more as I noticed how much she seemed to like it, sighing breathily, even saying my name which only made me kiss her more feverishly, working down her chest to suck on her nipple, her entire body rising into me. I noted that she enjoyed that, and even used the fingers of my other hand to tease her even more, watching her pale body writhe. God, it was irresistible.  
"Didn't you want me to-" she started, looking into my eyes as I stopped.  
"No..I feel like..I'm ready. Are you? Ready, I mean?" I couldn't help it, it just felt right. If she said no, then that was okay too.  
To my utmost pleasure, she blushed and nodded. "I think you've made me..y'know, wet enough, so.."  
I bit my lip "I knew a guy who didn't know shit about it. Went in dry. Why would you do-" I started, before losing my breath as she yanked me down, brushing my scalp with her fingers and she stroked my head, a euphoric buzz spreading, along with the twinge that the kiss gave me. It was entirely different to any other kiss we'd shared, and she was leading it. She fucking wanted me.  
I was going to give her what she wanted, no question. I pulled back hastily, murmuring "condom", searching around for one, praying I actually bothered to buy them and my emotions changed entirely when she motioned to me from the bed, a foil wrapper between her fingers. God that was hot. She bought the fucking condom.  
"Give me that.." I smirked, trying to remain calm and focus, not wanting to fuck up something as simple as putting on a condom. So why weren't my hands working?  
"Gee, hey.." she sat up and replaced my hands with hers, helping me to roll it down my dick, the feeling of her fingers on me better than I thought it would be. "So..how do you want to do this?"  
We were naked and facing each other on the bed, both red in the face and short of breath, and all I could think about was what was about to happen. I'd been thinking about it for longer than I'd care to admit, and in every fantasy I'd lasted longer than your average virginal teenage boy. I didn't see that coming true but instead of overthinking it I just let my eyes wander across her body. I knew I wanted to see her on top of me, so badly. She'd straddled me before, fully clothed. We were just playing, but there was a look in her eyes that told me there was a further intention there. In part it was probably what brought us to this moment, so it seemed only right.  
"How about you sit in my lap.." I suggested, and she found it far sexier than it was intended, shuffling so she could slide her thighs around me, my dick pressing hard against her stomach.  
"You gonna help me, yeah?" She whispered nervously, and that only sound me up further.  
"Yeah baby, of course...look, just lift your hips up, that's it.." I encouraged, catching her sneaking looks at me constantly, looking like she wanted to hurt me, a little. I liked it.  
Shame I was about to hurt her.  
"Oh, f-fuck, god..you're so big.." the things she was saying weren't forced and I can't lie and say I didn't enjoy the sight of her lowering herself onto my dick, and I certainly didn't mind the soft pained squeaking sounds she was making. Fuck. It took all of my strength not to pin her down and fuck her, no matter how much she protested..even if she screamed.  
"Oh, shit!" I whispered urgently, taking a deep breath to try and calm myself down, not wanting to come straight away.  
"You try doing it.." she groaned lightly, humming in appreciation as I held her hips softly, watching her tight wet heat slowly take my length, the feeling so good that I just wanted more. I wanted to thrust, and hold her hips down so I slammed against her g-spot, making her howl.  
Fuck, Gerard, stop. Just focus..focus on..oh shit. She had started gently bucking her hips down against mine, more perfect sounds escaping her soft lips, watching an uncertain elation on her face, like she couldn't quite believe how good it felt.  
"Yeah? Is that good?" I purred, wanting to push all her buttons.  
"Oh, FUCK, yeah!" She gasped helplessly. "Yeah, it's good.."  
She was a sight to behold, her face pink and a shy look on her face that thinly veiled the filthy look that lay beneath it, finding myself giving in to the urge to thrust, bucking my hips up into her as she sank down. It didn't get the response I expected which was a loud choke of.. what? Pain? Pleasure?  
I stopped immediately and gazed at her as she thought about it, looking down at her pussy. "Gerard, I think you're going to make me come." She stated matter-of-factly, her eyes red and urgent.  
"Yeah? That's..fuck, that's good, let's just..you move your hips...yeah, like that..and I'll, fuck..wait." I looked at her. "Would you let me..take over?"  
She nodded urgently, climbing off me and gently touching where I'd most likely torn her a little, but she still lay back for me and opened her legs, motioning for me to join her. I enjoyed the view for a moment, watching her get flustered as she realised I was staring.  
"Gerard, come on.." she whined plaintively and I chuckled to myself before covering my body with hers, suspended over her in a way that felt right and natural, feeling her hand guiding my cock into her, whimpering softly as I pushed gently, watching her face as I filled her up, watching her mouth drop open. "Is that okay?"  
"Yeah, it's..it's nice. Come here, I want to kiss you." Her voice was low and it only made me want her more, starting to orchestrate my thrusts a little, experimenting with different speeds and forces, enjoying hearing her become a panting mess beneath me. On my part, she felt amazing. She was tight and warm and just looking at her amplified that feeling by ten, starting to kiss her neck as I heard her whimper loudly and cry out. "I feel...I feel..fuck Gerard, maybe we need to stop." She looked up urgently at me, and I had to make a decision. She was going to come, of course she was. I didn't want her to delay it, and I wanted to make her fall apart. I gritted my teeth and shook my head, hearing no resistance as I hitched her legs higher, staring her down as I fucked her.  
"Oh, GOD!" She cried out suddenly, a look of absolute bliss on her face. Oh yeah, I'd got it, alright. She was gonna thank me for...fuck..oh fuck.  
"I, I know, I... Stevie, fuck.." I panted harshly before groaning loudly as an addictive searing throb went through me, feeling my dick empty into the condom, lingering in her warmth for a moment before sliding out of her, avoiding eye contact as I tied it and threw it, turning back to see her in the same position, panting harshly.  
"Are you okay?" I asked gently, hoping she wasn't mad that I'd told her no and made her come. I figured I should ask her. "I'm sorry I... y'know, kept going."  
She shook her head "No..I liked it. I thought the feeling was too much but you fucking got me there. I've never felt anything like it."  
I felt incredibly proud but was smart enough to know to hide this, shrugging and smiling shyly "I tried my best.."  
"Oh fuck off, Gerard." She laughed bluntly. "I can tell you're filth, really."  
I barked an incredulous laugh. "What?!"  
She sat suddenly and put her hand on my chest "you're telling me you weren't thinking about doing anything else then? Or, harder maybe?"  
I couldn't answer. She knew she was right and I knew it too. I hope she didn't hate me.  
"It's okay Gee, I'm excited." She got close, kissing my cheek before resting on my lips, kissing me as sweetly as if it had never happened. 

I came back to my senses as I rounded the corner to the coffee shop. It was an amazing first time, I actually thought about it sometimes when I... y'know.  
I beamed when I saw Stevie, her hair falling in her face as she looked idly at her phone, her baseball shirt fitting just right that her tits looked...fuck, why was I always thinking about sex? I couldn't help it, she had me feeling ways I could do nothing about.  
"Hey." I said, and she looked up at me with a smile, clearly happy to see me. I sat down opposite and she told me she'd already ordered, gratefully stroking her hand.  
"So... I've been in a bit of a weird place today. My mind's been.. wandering." I laughed shyly, and she raised her eyebrows.  
"What have you been thinking about?"  
"I was uhh, actually thinking about when we first had sex.." I admitted, and she bit her lip a little, clearly recalling the same situation.  
"Yeah, it was..really good." She smiled softly "what..made you think about that?"  
It was funny how she even seemed shy now, even after I'd done so many things to her. My dick twitched as the thought passed through my mind, thinking about what else I wanted to do to her. I knew what I made Frank do seemed sick, but I had the upper hand, and I used the advantage. I wasn't going to fall before the end goal of being with Stevie. I loved her.  
"Can you think of any stories about us?" She asked, her mind working as she herself tried to pluck some out of her mind.  
"Oh, yeah. I remember everything if I try hard enough." I hoped that didn't sound try-hard, but to be honest at this point I was past caring.  
"Do you remember when we were really drunk and that girl kept coming on to me at Lisa's house party? You got so frustrated that-" she started, and I interrupted her.  
"O-okay Stevie, maybe we should continue this conversation somewhere else? I'm off this afternoon, I did overtime." I looked around, not really caring but wanting to be with just her, especially after me her and Frank spending so much time in close quarters. Super close quarters.  
"Do you want to go to the tree house? We have a stash there, and condoms," she smirked, winking at me. She didn't know the effect she had on me in the slightest, I knew it. I was addicted to her. So addicted that I was willing to try and kick my crutch, still struggling in a way, though the light at the end of the tunnel was getting brighter and it seemed more tangible, more accessible.  
I had other things I knew I had to consider but I just couldn't attack the subject with her yet, as my heart was telling me what I really wanted, and that was to be with Stevie.  
Being curled up with her on the futon mid-afternoon with the sun shining through the windows, a fresh breeze in the air that just made my heart skip a beat. I hoped she felt the same about me and the thing with Frank was only what I assumed it to be. And I can't lie and say I didn't enjoy it. Trying to get sober without having any substitution apart from the odd blunt was nigh on impossible, and even though I rejected Frank yeah, I didn't mind feeling him inside me again. At college sometimes it was so drunken and messy that I couldn't ever enjoy it, even going as far to having memories of choking on him and actually being sick, and he still let me finish.  
But as much of a chemistry as we had, and as much as I enjoyed looking into his dark eyes and gazing at his tattooes, I knew he wasn't really the one for me. When I looked at Stevie as I was now, watching her giggle about something stupid as she was clearly trying to put her bad feelings to the side as much as I was, I just adored her.  
Thinking about our first time had wound me up a little, and I was considering asking her for a re-creation, but I knew I could do so much better than that, and I didn't want to miss any opportunity to make my girl come.  
I didn't want to push her out of the good feelings we were having, so I ended up just softly kissing her neck as she was putting down her cigarette.  
"Mmm" she sighed. I loved it when she sighed.  
"I'm sorry, I just want you so much.." I murmered against her skin, sucking at her pulse point. I hadn't decided what I wanted to do, so I just let my body decide, following it's motions until I had her pinned under me with my thigh between her legs, feeling her rub against me desperately and seeing her looking up at me pleadingly. How could I not give it to her when she looked at me like that?  
"Fuck me, Gerard." She sobbed brokenly, running her hands down my back.  
I wouldn't ever say no to that request.  
We hadn't been using condoms and I couldn't lie when I said she just felt so good when it was just skin to skin.  
That's what we were, skin to skin as I took control, getting far more aroused than I anticipated, feeling her curl her legs around my hips and put a hand on my ass. I inwardly prayed for her to spank me, and when she didn't I pushed her legs around me farther, thrusting a little harder as a swell of pleasure tore through me, holding it back as I looked down at her sweet but dirty face, looking right at me before slapping my ass swiftly, moaning harshly as she smirked at me, quickly starting to moan louder as I held her down and fucked her the way I knew she liked it, dropping a hand between us to rub at her clit, like flipping the switch to meltdown as she started to twitch and gasp, begging me to kiss her. I slid my tongue against hers and I felt her sob as her mouth went slack, her chest arching into mine, unable to speak. Whenever she came I was never that far behind, as cliche as it may sound, as watching her fall apart the way she did always made me lose it myself.  
She watched me as I slowed after filling her crudely, always feeling weirdly satisfied after doing it, making me hold her close and kiss her head, wanting her to remember how much I loved her.  
I hope she knew. She must do.  
I had a feeling I was about to find out just how much because, instead of going home we started a conversation about memories once more, feeling as if it was right to pick it up again, enjoying our time together just us, forgetting how much I had missed it being around the constant madness that seemed to follow us around.  
Unfortunately, Stevie seemed extremely keen to talk about the story she'd referenced earlier, one that always made me feel awkward. See, we had had a threesome before. Well, kind of. With a girl. And I had a feeling she wasn't going to let it go easily. It just made me smile as I knew that our relationship wasn't exactly a private one, but it almost made me love her more, as she had her priorities straight. With me in a treehouse.


	26. Looking Back Part II

I'm not sure why Gerard was having nostalgia regarding us, and a part of me hoped it was because he wanted to do something more permanent, but I knew that couldn't happen right now. So instead I decided to throw myself in feet first, memories bursting to the forefront of my mind. He knew I wanted to talk about the messy threesome we'd had at a party when we were ridiculously drunk.  
"So, are we gonna talk about it now?" I cocked an eyebrow and smirked, noticing him avoiding my eyeline.  
"I just...I don't feel like I was any good.." he eventually admitted, laughing a little.  
"Well, maybe you remember it different then Gee, cos it was kinda hot. And we were quite young considering what we got up to.."  
He blushed and stuttered "You thought it was hot? I always thought it was one of those things you just don't talk about?"  
"Nothing is too much to talk about!" I protested with a laugh. "Especially not if it's hot now shut up and let me tell it." I put my foot down and let my mind wander...

"Gerard, she won't leave me the fuck alone, I don't think she understands the word no." I murmered to him as we were sat outside on a bench smoking, a beer in hand.  
"She's hot and she wants to fuck you like, I wouldn't not watch that." He smirked in a satisfied way.  
"You think she's hot? Right.."  
"Not like that!" He quickly repaired, kissing me to make up for his misstep. "Only because she wants to fuck you, but I don't share. Remember?"  
I was satisfied with that, squeezing his knee and nodding, amused. I knew why Maria was chasing me around and it was partly my own fault. I'd sensed that she was depressed and I tried to help her so much that she must have gotten the wrong idea. She was a pretty girl, yeah, she was like me in a way with too much eyeliner and her wardrobe being only plaid shirts.  
I thought a bit harder about this and realised she'd never actually been with a guy or kissed anyone, as far as I knew. Maybe she was looking for her sexual awakening. I knew that Gerard would be able to give her that, but I felt like it was kind of me that she wanted it from. I felt buzzed and confused, starting to wonder what it would be like with all three of us..  
It didn't take long for us to find out as she was soon sitting next to me, clearly drunk but very focused, in an odd way.  
"Stevie, I've been looking for you." She said, her eyes seeming more sober than the rest of her head, as she hiccuped. Nice.  
"Well..here I am. What's up, Maria?" I felt slightly flushed, kind of turned on by the fact that someone that wasn't a guy fancied me. Really, I liked it because it was winding Gerard up, and I'd really like to go at him after driving him insane, there's no telling how hard he'd pound me. Especially after we'd been drinking. He seemed quiet and shy but really, he was disgusting.  
I was snapped out of my lovely thought rather rudely as Maria clumsily took hold of my face and kissed me, just lips for the first second before trying to push her tongue into my mouth.  
"Whoa!" I cried out, pushing her off firmly. "The fuck you doing there?" I asked breathlessly, also amused that Gerard hadn't intervened. I wonder why.  
"I just felt confident cos I'm drunk and I just wanted to kiss you. I know I can't have you.." she waved her hand at Gerard dismissively, which nearly made me laugh out loud. "But I thought..yknow, fuck it."  
I stared at her with raised eyebrows for a moment before turning to Gerard who was an absolute picture. He was red faced and hiding behind his beer bottle, shifting uneasily.  
"Gerard?" I asked, pushing the bottle down.  
"Oh Gerard, it's okay!" Maria leaned forwards so she could see him, putting a hand out which landed far too close to his dick, but entirely accidentally. He went even redder and I bit back another laugh as she continued. "I'm not going to steal your girlfriend, I just wanted to fuck her a little bit.." Gerard's mouth dropped open. "Did I just say that?" She questioned and it was my turn to blush, and more fiercely than he was.  
"You...you can't just mess with my girlfriend." Gerard eventually said, even though his voice hardly hid his disappointment.  
"How about.." she started, brushing her hair back "If you let me touch her...you can watch?"  
Gerard laughed out loud, but I could hear the desperation. "Watch?!" He cried out, trying not to be too loud and attract the attention of the other students outside. Not that they would probably have noticed.  
"Well, fine. You can touch her as well."  
I just stayed silent, absolutely stunned by how brazen the usually shy girl was being. It was always the quiet ones. Definitely was with Gerard, anyway.  
"Fine." He murmered, and my mouth dropped open, turning to him. "I-If it's okay with Stevie." He quickly recovered, but barely. Did he really want to do this? Did I?  
Maria however, couldn't have been more pleased.  
"You'll have to find somewhere though." I sighed, feeling Gerard tense next to me as he realised this might actually happen. I turned to him. "You're disgusting."  
He thought about it a second before smirking "So are you." 

Maria didn't take long to find an empty bedroom, thankfully picking one that looked more like a storage room than anything liveable, watching her pull off the boxers with vigour, finding it interesting how much she seemed to be into doing stuff with me. Truth be told, I'd never engaged in anything like that with a girl before, despite Gerard constantly mentioning it in what I thought was jest and instead realising that he was comfortable enough with me to say whatever that came into his head, and I didn't want to ever repress that, as he excited me so much.  
My attention was quickly drawn to Maria who had taken her shirt off and was sat in a black bra and her skirt, her long dark hair waving down her back like a waterfall. Her dark eyes were rimmed with black eyeliner, which was another thing I was probably to blame for. I knew I could do it, I had enough dutch courage. Not only that, I wanted to drive Gerard insane. Literally. So I figured I'd play along. I pulled my own shirt off and heard Gerard gasp a little, satisfied that my plan was working. It was working on both of them.  
I sat next to Maria on the bed and she didn't waste any time before putting her hand on my breast over my bra, finding myself tingling. She gazed at me a moment before kissing me, pushing with the tongue again so I gave in, letting her inexperienced tongue work against mine, putting one hand on her back. Her kiss was nothing compared to Gerard's, and it wasn't particularly enjoyable, but I didn't mind the attention my breasts were getting, and it only took her a second to pop the catch because she was also a girl and these things didn't blow our minds.  
I felt the air on my exposed skin and shivered as I felt her fingers toy with them, breaking from the kiss to put her mouth around a bud, sucking audibly. I gasped and Gerard looked as if he was going to die, grunting in frustration before coming besides me and holding my face, kissing me in his expert way, (even drunk) and taking me home with his lips as Maria explored my chest, actually making me feel pretty good.  
Along with the kiss, I was feeling breathless pretty quickly, still panting as she pulled away, looking at Gerard a moment before asking me to lie down. My heart pounded in my chest, and I looked to Gerard for help. All he had for me was a bitten lip and a look of pure exasperation.  
He knelt by the bed as I reluctantly lay down, smiling comfortingly at me "you sure?"  
I paused before nodding, feeling Maria push up my skirt and starting to pull my panties down without even teasing me. It didn't change the fact that I was getting so horny I felt like I wanted to fuck her face as Gerard fucked my mouth with his tongue.  
Soon enough, I felt her breath on my pussy which was wet, hoping this wouldn't make her think I wanted her. She looked up at me as I clutched the end of my skirt, blushing as she gently pushed my thighs apart, noticing everything had seemingly fallen silent around us. She looked at me again before parting my lips and starting to lick me, right on my clit. She might not have known how to kiss, but she must have masturbated enough to know where everything was.  
It was tough not to moan, especially as I knew Gerard was watching as she detached her lips a moment, my sticky heat stringing between me and her lips, making my eyes roll back. Fuck.  
She started fucking sucking on my clit, a repetitive motion that made me putty in her hands, my hips starting to move with a mind of their own.  
"Gerard, I'm sorry" I sobbed helplessly, but he just shook his head.  
"It's okay.." he murmered before putting one of his pale hands on my breast, teasing me the way he knew I liked it, heightening the tension as I felt a finger slip inside me, a choked groan coming from my lips.  
"It's not okay." I panted "let me suck you off or somethin', cos AH, please Gerard." I begged him, noticing the pause between me asking and him doing only slight, finding myself with my lips around him as he perched on the bed next to me with a view of Maria, who was literally going to town on me, her head moving along with her tongue as she licked from my asshole to my clit and back again, even moving her head rapidly from side to side as she tugged at my clit with her tongue and lips.  
I focused as well as I could to lick and suck on Gerard to make him feel as good as I possibly could, making up for the fact that my legs were now pushed up to my chest and he could clearly hear the noises she was making as she made me so wet that I could feel it without even touching myself.  
Helpless moans had started to fall from my lips, trying not to look like I was enjoying it too much when really it felt incredible, noticing Gerard watching as I slid my hand clumsily up and down his cock. It wasn't easy to get a proper grip in the position we were in, and Gerard knew it too. His face was a lot darker than I was used to, and I swore I saw the beginnings of a kinky relationship when he asked me to sit on her face.  
The intensity of what he was asking was almost too hot to handle, but Maria obviously decided it was a good idea too, manhandling me until she was underneath me, her arms around my thighs. Fuck. This felt weird. Really weird. I felt so exposed, especially as she had wrestled my skirt off me in the process of pulling me where she wanted me. I can't say she didn't look attractive, or that it would fuck me up or scar me or anything, so I decided to try and relax.  
Gerard wasn't helping, he was just staring at me with a look in his eye that made me think I was going to get it later.  
"I...can you make sure the door is..locked" I panted, and he mentally snapped out of it long enough to do as I asked, coming back to me and kneeling on the bed so he was opposite and I assumed he was just going to get his dick out, but instead he drifted his fingertips over my body, down my breasts and stomach. I shivered harshly, Maria's grip tightening on me and feeling her tongue flicking incessantly, feeling insanely good.  
"Are you going to do something for me?" Gerard asked, an eyebrow raised, slipping one hand down low enough to rub my clit, biting his lip.  
I nodded "Yes. Yes I will, let me.." I quickly undid his jeans and he helped me get it out, bending forwards a little so I could take him in my mouth. It must have felt good as he was making sounds from the get go, mingling with the crude noises beneath me to make horny music. I fixed my gaze on Gerard, my focus not brilliant considering being pleasured as well as feeling drunk, telling myself I wasn't going to throw up. I didn't want to, I enjoyed having his cock in my mouth, it was so big and hot and I loved the feeling between my lips and the way he responded to the attention I paid to it.  
He had laid a hand on my hair, stroking it and fingering it as I did my best, saliva dripping from my lips as I pulled off to look up at him. He was enjoying himself, and was clearly watching what was happening, a sense of achievement almost, about him.  
"I won't let her make me come." I promised to him, one hand still jacking him, his hips bucking into it. "I want you to fuck me."  
He couldn't help but grin, and I smirked back, my vision lusty and hazy.  
"In front of her?" He asked, his voice low and gravelly. God, I wanted him.  
I just nodded. Why not. In fact..  
"M-maria-" I began, making to move off her, watching her wipe her mouth and feeling smug and sick. "Did you want Gerard to do anything to you?"  
His face fell, and I just looked at him.  
"Uhh.." she looked at him, his confidence not budging. "No.."  
A risky move, I knew. But I wasn't giving up.  
"Well I'm gonna fuck him now, if you wanted to like...help me then you can."  
I couldn't look directly at Gerard. Maybe he hated me, maybe he was ashamed. Maybe I liked it. I looked at him. He just glared with one eyebrow up, and that could mean anything. He also looked a little like he was about to destroy me and that, I could live with.  
He was soon rolling on a condom (that he'd brought with him- hot), and took Maria's place on the bed, looking at me and then his dick, in turn. Of course he wanted me on top. I was about to climb onto him when he tugged on my elbow to change position, facing away from him. My heart skipped a beat. He was exposing me on purpose. Probably a punishment.  
He soon slipped into me and was bucking up from underneath, shocking me as usual with his sheer length, uneasily starting to move my hips, noticing Maria watching me as we settled into a comfortable rhythm, coming closer and taking my face in her hand, pressing her lips against mine and drifting her fingers down me, just as Gerard had.  
I wasn't used to being anyone's focus... except for Gerard's.  
I gasped when two of her fingers slipped over my heat and started to rub steadily, making my hips falter. To my sheer delight, I felt Gerard's hand smack my butt, groaning as the all of the sensations started to overwhelm me, but I sought to draw it out. I wondered how much Gerard had in him, knowing alcohol affected performance sometimes. I didn't care an ounce, I was lucky enough to have him between my thighs to begin with.  
To my surprise, he lasted a lot longer than probably even he himself had thought he would. So of course he was gonna keep me suspended in euphoria for a while longer.  
Maria continued rubbing me until I eventually hit the limit, shuddering violently and crying out, realising she was watching me with wide eyes as I came hard for at least a minute before gradually settling down, still rolling my hips down until I felt Gerard tense and cry out, going slack under me, fingers aimlessly drifting across my back, hearing him pant as if he he'd run a marathon.  
I climbed off him carefully, looking around for my clothes as my mind tried to process what had just happened, glancing shyly at Maria as she sat back, breathless.  
Gerard had sat up, but still had a look in his eye, one that seemed semi permanent these days.  
"Have you ever licked a girl out, Stevie?" He asked teasingly, raising an eyebrow at me. Was he really going there? Really? I glanced at Maria and concluded I could probably do it, especially if it turned Gerard on. It turned me on, too. I didn't want to make a habit of it, but I was interested at the very least.  
"Umm, well, no.." I sneaked a look at Gerard, who was now biting his lip.  
"Do you want to?" Maria's voice asked timidly and extremely hopefully.  
"You're..you're not gonna get the wrong idea, are you? This can't happen again."  
She nodded enthusiastically and I suppressed a nervous laugh. Fine.  
I got onto the bed next to her and pushed her down, blindly fumbling for a moment until I realised Gerard was watching closely and wanting to have a little more finesse.  
I slid my tongue into her mouth and palmed her breasts before sliding one hand between us. Her pussy was so wet that I almost felt a little proud, feeling like Gerard probably did when he wanted to make me come. I was gonna make her come, and hard. Because I wanted Gerard to see it and remember it.  
I moved down her body, more eager than I realised, fingering her panties, snapping the elastic against her skin, making her gasp, before just ripping them off carelessly, keen to get down to business, burying my face in her cunt.  
"Mmph.." I moaned against her wet pussy, the vibration intending and succeeding to made her cry out. I knew where her clit was, of course. I paid it special attention, appreciating how tidy and tight she was as I started to push a finger inside her, taking the moment to take a look at Gerard. He was sitting with his back against the wall watching every single move, giving me a smirk after recieving my querying look.  
Of course he liked it. Her responses were affecting me also, especially I was fantasizing about the very sex I'd just had with him. He was so hot.  
"God Stevie!" She cried out suddenly, her hips rising into my face.  
I lay an arm across her waist to keep her still and went full into it, pumping both of my fingers in and out of her as I crooked them, hitting her g-spot and making her sob, so much that someone knocked and asked if we were alright. Gerard replied with something to get rid of them as I raised up so I was hovering over her, working my fingers inside her with my thumb crooked against her slippy clit, feeling her start to thrust against my hand as I shushed her, leaning down to whisper in her ear "if you want me to make you come then keep quiet. Do you understand?"  
She nodded, biting hard at her lip as I hit a sweet spot and continued to nearly hammer that point inside her, ducking back down just as she started to lose her breath, sucking her clit in one more time as she fell to pieces around me. She was writhing and sobbing gently and whimpering. It was sexy, but all I could do was look right at Gerard, trailing her wetness between my lips as I pulled back, hoping that I'd pleased him. 

"See, it wasn't even a threesome for me!" Gerard insisted, snuggling into my neck, sucking on my skin and kissing my cheek.  
"But now you're going back over it, fuck, that was hot. Did she ever ask you again?"  
"No, you made sure of that." I retorted, a lightness to my voice.  
He did, I don't know how, and I didn't want to either- it looked as if Gerard was prepared to utilise any measure to ensure our happiness, and not letting anyone infiltrate our bubble of paradise was a priority for him.  
The bubble didn't just erect itself (no pun intended), it was built from years of memories, just like the ones we were neck-deep in, with nothing but time.  
"I get to choose the next one!" He tackled me on the futon and kissed me fiercely. "You're making me horny so you might have to tell one with my dick in your mouth."  
"Fuck off!" I laughed "you know full well I'm having my way with you before we leave. I love you, Gee." I said, trying to filter the emotion in my voice that seeped through nonetheless. He looked affectionately at me, stroking my cheek.  
"I love you too. But more importantly, it's my turn!" He tackled me again and I giggled, letting him tickle me as I wondered what misadventure he was going to be enlightening me on next.


	27. Take Me

Our inspired memory-gazing had stayed with us all evening, enjoying Gerard's stories, some of which enlightened me on why we fit so well together, despite clearly getting ourselves into countless misadventures in school, not realising how much history we had until we sat down and talked about it. It must made me fall in love with him even more, and I could listen to his voice forever. I know people hate on the accent, but on him it just...fit.   
As is probably predictable, our conversation turned a little as we made our way home high and in love, holding hands as the light started to die in the sky, an all-encompassing blush spreading across the street, our shadows as attached as we were. I hope nobody was in the vicinity, because we were onto the subject of kinks, and it wasn't for everybody's ears. Though, I mean, after the video what further harm could possibly be done?   
"I know you like...anal so..why can't we do that?" I asked idly, amused as I noticed his face twitch, clearly striking a chord somewhere within him as he turned to look.  
"Yeah, I...yeah. I was kinda hoping.." he blushed but didn't hold back (that was probably the weed) and he looked incredibly hopeful. Oh, I was gonna have some fun with this.   
"You want me to fuck you, Gerard?" I stopped him in the middle of the street and he bit his lip pseudo shyly. "I don't have a-" I started but he cut me off.   
"You do." He insisted, nibbling on his lip.  
"I...what?" I asked, raising an eyebrow. "what are you talking about, boy?"   
"I bought one for you." He sounded a little embarrassed and it was plain adorable, hard not to laugh.   
"You mean, for you?"   
He chuckled awkwardly and scratched his head, making to keep walking, except I stopped him.   
"I have a term, though." I warned, and he looked turned on, wanting me to continue.  
"I get to dominate you this time." I pulled him towards me by his jacket "and you're going to do what I tell you."   
He looked like that was exactly what he wanted to hear, his eyes shining. I was starting to get excited too, thinking about what I wanted to do to him. It was delicious that I got to fuck him. Maybe I'd drag him in the shower and made him sob into the water as I took him roughly from behind. Or maybe I wanted him on the edge of the bed with his legs spread-eagled, tossing his hair around and moaning like a whore. Maybe all of them, maybe none. But I was going to violate him, I knew that much. Making Frank watch him screw me made me want for payback, and rest assured, I would get it.   
"Why do I get the feeling that you like this?" I asked, remembering Frank referring to him being filthy. I was annoyed to miss out on this, even though we'd done a fair amount of disgusting things.   
"I..I do. But I wanted to give you what you wanted. And I love it. The sex is incredible." He seemed to be being honest, but I knew I was going to get my answer by the end of the night. If that meant pegging him with a cock ring on until he begged for mercy, then that's what I was going to do.   
Maybe that's why he did it, and enjoyed it. Because he wanted it, too.   
"I believe you." I smiled softly, deciding to play a surprising game and make out like everything was all nice and dandy and then make him my bitch. And he didn't have a clue, he was left only with the hope that I'd fuck him, but not how I'd go about it.   
I was still thinking as we got back home, talking to Frank (albeit distractedly) before wandering upstairs under the guise of going to the bathroom.   
Instead, I rooted out my favourite lingerie, which happened to be the sum of a few drinks and a horny shopping trip a couple of days prior, biting my lip as I ran the tip of my finger over the velvet trim. It was a bra and french boxer style bottoms (because I even did sexy like a tomboy), realising it didn't look at all tomboyish when I put them on, discarding my clothes on a chair near the door. I shook my hair out and brushed it, making a conscious effort to make myself as sexy as possible before he inevitably followed me into the room. I smudged some eyeliner under my eyes and had just finished painting my lips red when I heard a knock.  
"You decent?" It was Gerard.   
"Not at all. Come in."  
I heard him start to laugh, but he halted abruptly when he saw me, shutting the door behind him and gawping at me. "Fuck, baby..you're...fuck." he bit his lip and came straight towards me, looking flustered as I put a hand out to stop him, halting in his tracks.   
"I thought we agreed that you were going to do as you were told."   
His eyes flashed excitedly, and I felt further affirmed in my decision.   
"Because I didn't have time before you trailed after me like a lost puppy, I didn't get the cock ring out. Get it out and strip, I want you wearing it."  
He looked predatory for a moment before submitting and following his orders, sitting on the desk as I watched him tug his clothes off, instructing him to get the fuck on with it.   
I watched smugly as he reluctantly put the cock ring on, grabbing my phone and setting up the video camera. He looked at me with mild alarm, but didn't dare push it any further. "Let's call it revenge." I said teasingly, wandering over to him and grabbing his ass with both hands. "Just for us."  
His face told me that that was exactly what he wanted, and I felt ready to start. I didn't know what I was about to do, so I just followed the motions my body made naturally with domination in mind.   
I made him get on his knees before running my hand through his hair and pulling at it, rougher than I usually would.   
"I take it you get off by being fucked in the ass." More of a question than a statement but Gerard nodded regardless.   
"Do you want me to do that? Do you want me to pin you to the wall and fuck you?" I pulled his hair again, making his head come back to look up at me. He was practically drooling he was so hungry for it.   
"Tell me." I demanded, glaring at him. He looked so hot in this position and I had no idea why it hadn't occured to me before. I was probably going to come just by hearing him moaning.   
"Y-yes. Do what you want to me." He barely finished speaking before I cut him off by sticking my fingers in his mouth. He gagged a little before sucking on them, the image so satisfying that I knew I wanted to see them stretched around something bigger.   
"Get your strap on." I demanded, my voice light as I was slightly breathless.   
He didn't waste any time, grabbing a box under the bed and handing it to me, watching as I worked out how to attach it to myself, succeeding and quickly grabbing his chin and easing his lips over the black plastic, seeing his tongue flatten and hearing him gag made me shiver, using my other hand to hold his head, pulling back out for a moment before pushing it back in. He hungrily accepted it this time, looking up at me with big fucking eyes that made me want to choke him. He was clearly loving it, and he could do nothing about his hard on, so his arms just lay limply at his sides, the perfect sub.   
I was grunting and panting, extremely turned on. I tore my hips away and he sucked on thin air a moment before spluttering, knowing that I really badly just wanted to destroy him.   
"You get to pick where I fuck you."   
"Sh-shower. It might be messy."  
It would be messy.  
I grabbed my phone which was still recording and, gnoring the fact that Frank was there, hauled Gerard to his feet and pulled him across to the bathroom, manhandling him into the shower, putting the camera down, despite knowing it might get steamy. I then went to him and pressed him against the wall, his cry echoing as I pushed a finger inside him without any warning, the sound of his voice bewitching. The acoustics in the bathroom were fucking unbelievable.   
I pulled my finger out before going into the bathroom cupboard for the lube, smearing it liberally onto my fingers, his eyes wide as he watched me approach him again, gulping.   
"I have another term." I stated, smearing some lube onto his asshole and rest onto the strap on tip, spreading his tight hole with two fingers as a prolonged moan sounded through the bathroom, knowing full well Frank could hear this. "No holding back. I know how much you like being fucked-" I stood behind him and held his throat tightly for a moment, watching him lean forwards as he gasped for breath, pressing his forehead against the wall. "Yes!" He choked out "please!"  
"Fine. You're the fucking slut, you know that? You just want to be fucked and to fuck like some sort of animal."  
He sobbed again as I placed the blunt end to his hole, drawing in a breath. Not long after I was pushing my hips forwards into the resistance, relishing how he jolted and sobbed and cried out like a desperate bitch. I was merciful as I filled him out, but when I knew that he could take it I started to thrust. Immediately, he started moaning. And I could tell it wasn't fake.   
"Fuck, Stevie, that's...oh God.." he moaned, his voice driving me crazy and making me thrust harder, watching his body shake.   
"Tell me more." I insisted, my fingers gripping his hips, possibly bruising him. I didn't care and neither did he.   
"I love you...you- FUCK! You make me feel so good. So good!"   
"Yeah, that's it, come on." I growled as I relentlessly fucked him, hearing him grunt as I pulled out suddenly, looking back at me all sweaty with his hair clinging to his forehead. "Take off the ring."   
He sighed in relief and wrestled it off shortly before I slammed him back against the wall, pulling his hips out and starting to fuck him again, reaching a hand around to jack him off. The noise was glorious, a mix of Gerard's moans and wails and incomprehensible speech and slapping skin, grunting, sobbing. I was lost in my own world as Gerard grunted again, louder, and felt his cock throb in my hand, hearing the sound of his come splattering on the wall.   
I pulled out, despite wanting to continue, knowing he'd had enough for one night.   
I wasn't expecting him to turn unsteadily and look me in the eye and say "That was fucking... amazing. Will you do that to me again?" But it pleased me.  
I grinned at him and pulled him in for a kiss, turning the shower on, water starting to cascade over us as he kissed me passionately, the scene re-playing in my mind.   
"Oh yeah, I'll be doing that again." I smirked before kissing him again, wondering again- how much did Frank hear?  
Though, it was probably background noise to him at this point.


	28. Soothe Me

We found ourselves restless after I took Gerard roughly in the bathroom. I was filled with a kind of smug pride that only grew as I watched him bite his lip as he shifted slightly, as if trying not to sit directly on the bed.   
"Did I hurt you?"   
He looked up shyly at me, blushing away like he did. My insides squeezed as I watched his mouth open, waiting for his answer. He didn't give one, just shrugged lightly. I stared him down until he said "I liked it."   
"Ohh... So you like being hurt?" I teased, crawling towards him on the bed, finding myself sliding two of my fingers in his mouth. I really enjoyed him being submissive, watching him simply gaze at me with almost a challenge, suddenly smirking before hollowing his cheeks around my fingers and sucking on them.   
But he didn't just suck on them. He ran his tongue lightly and teasingly over my fingers, making wet noises that nearly made me groan. God, it felt so good.   
Yeah, the sensation of his wet, warm mouth around my fingers made my pussy stir threateningly, but the look he was giving me just made me want to fucking pull on his hair. He was a teasing little fuck and I just wanted to make him mine.   
"You're fucking filth, you know that?" I murmered, using my other hand to grip his roots as I knelt in front of him, feeling his fingers slip between my legs.  
I gasped but shook my head, making him retreat, looking regretful and sad. Ugh, fuck. What was I going to do with him? I couldn't have him touch me right now, I'd just end up straddling his face.   
I couldn't punish him any further, as I knew his ass couldn't take it, and answered his questioning look by grabbing his cheeks.   
"No. I want to touch you. I want to make you feel better, feel good..." I straddled his hips and the visible wince he gave made a smile play on my lips, pushing my hips down further into his, pressing his sore ass into the bedsheets, his mouth falling open as he groaned in pain, but pleasantly surprised when he smirked at me.   
I growled in response and put a hand around his throat, pushing him into a lying position, sharply thrusting my hips against his as he cried out in lustrous pain, howling gently as I pressed my fingertips between his legs over his boxers, staring him down as I rubbed a finger around his ravaged hole, making him think I was going to just penetrate him despite his pain, make him cry.   
Of course, I had no intention of doing that. I knew what I wanted to do, and looking at the curious agony on his face, I thought it best to tell him what I had planned.   
"Do you really think I'd just hurt you like that?" I pouted, as if ashamed of him thinking the very same thing.   
He didn't answer, just bit his lip.   
"Is your hole hurting, baby?" I dismounted him and leaned down to kiss his slack lips which awoke at my touch, sloppily kissing me with a hopeful look on his face. His response came as a nod and I pouted again.   
"Get on your hands and knees." I commanded more than instructed, watching his face spread into a grin.   
"Yeah?"   
I could see his boner and it made me giggle how eager he was. I could tell he really enjoyed having his asshole eaten, and for some reason, it really fucking turned me on to do it. There was something about the image of a hole just dripping, tight and inviting that I couldn't not think about.   
I repeated my command, watching him start to tug at his shirt before adorably cocking his head to the side.   
"Do you want me to get naked?"  
What a stupid question.   
"Yes." I tried not to smile, watching his renewed vigour, despite still clearly feeling a sting that made him keen in his throat.   
"Mmm.." I hummed in approval, running my hand down his perfect, pale skin as he knelt in front of me, looking back at me and seeing my face gaze at his body in pleasure, before narrowing my eyes at him and ordering him to keep his eyes front.  
"Fuck.." I sighed. His pale hips and thighs that I just wanted to bite. I couldn't initially see his hole, so I used my fingers to separate his cheeks, not touching him in any other way, and I could feel his body tense and on edge as he waited for whatever it was I was about to do.   
Ouch..his hole did actually look sore, and it made me feel kind of sickeningly happy that he felt it the ache and sting himself after all those times he'd slammed his cock into me with no abandon, sucking on my neck.   
"What does it look like?" He asked, his voice breathy and incredibly turned on.   
"Mm, I think I tore it up a little...especially around-" I put a dry fingertip across what looked like a minute tear, his hips jolting as he cried out loudly "here."   
Oh fuck, I loved it. He was panting, so he must too. To be honest, I really wanted to push my finger inside him and make him cry, but I bit my lip hard and distracted myself by positioning behind him, placing soft kisses on his delicate pale cheeks, my thumbs massaging his skin softly as I heard him start to whimper needily and fuck, I loved those sounds even more.   
"Actually.." I took my lips off him and felt him stiffen, and not just his cock which was already half hard hanging between his legs.   
"I want you to ask me to do it. To...soothe you with my tongue. Fucking ask me." I murmered breathlessly, the urge to stick my tongue inside him straight away almost too much to bear. "Maybe...beg me."   
He moaned wantonly, his chest starting to heave "Stevie.."  
"Yeah?" I asked idly, still kneading his buttocks with my fingertips, watching his skin change colour with the pressure.   
"Please, baby.."   
That wasn't enough, and he knew it "oh no, sugar. I need you to tell me exactly what you want me to do. You don't want me to get confused and shove my fingers in there, do you?"  
He shuddered and sobbed softly, and I relished the state that I had him in. If he didn't ask properly soon, I was going to drag him into Frank's room where I could hear him playing music and make him fuck Gerard dry.   
I knew I should have felt uneasy for the questionable thoughts running through my head, but I knew that Gerard did the same. He fucked me in front of his best friend, for fucks sake.   
I was snapped out of my daydream as he started to speak, an evident undertone of need in his voice. "You fucked me so hard, baby. I fucking...fucking loved it, and you m-marked me. My asshole hurts after I get fucked normally, but not...not like that.."  
"Aww baby, I guess I thought you could take it, being fucked so many times by men, you whore." I kept my voice soft, but it didn't stop him from gasping.  
"You're right. I am a whore. And I want you to...please....just give me some relief. Please. Eat me out.."  
As he'd called himself a whore and told me what he wanted like I asked, I rejoiced as I could finally eat him like I was starving.   
I earned a loud moan as, before touching him at all on his hole, I leaned up on my knees to hawk up some spit and let it fall from my lips onto his hole. Oh fuck, it looked so tasty.   
I grabbed his cheeks and gently kept them apart as I blew cold air onto his spit-pool, running my nails gently down his sides, watching his body ripple as it responded to my contact, more sighs and girlish moans floating through the air. The sounds he made were directly wired to my clit and made me throb everytime he whimpered or sighed or sobbed like a bitch.   
I waited a moment for him to settle before spreading the skin closer to his opening and resting my cheek on his so I could snake out my tongue and gently swipe the tiny tear, hearing him sob something that sounded like "yes".   
He tasted sweet and slightly sweaty, which was hardly surprising as not long before his body was sheen with sweat which slid down his back as my hips pumped into his.   
I too, was whispering "Yes", a confirmation of what we were doing.   
I gained confidence and started to work my tongue in circles, my hands continuing to explore his body, sliding a hand around his waist to take hold of his hard cock, clumsily swiping at the cum at the tip, a disgustingly pathetic noise coming from Gerard, realising his dick must be sensitive after coming not that long before.   
I didn't care, though, grabbing his body and jacking him feverishly as I started to fuck him with my tongue, managing to get my tongue quite deep. Gerard continued to moan as he'd pushed off the bed so his torso was at an angle, gasping for breath as I didn't cease my tongue movements, even as his knees spread so far that he nearly lost his balance.   
"Gee.." I turned his body into mine, pulling his naked body into mine, feeling him start to tear my clothes off as he had this thought, throwing them any which way and covering my face in kisses, his hands greedily caressing and pinching at my breasts, my now exposed pussy tingling. He looked at me briefly and couldn't resist a quick pleasant stroke over my pussy, biting at my lip.   
"I'm not done with you!" I smirked, pushing him back against the pillows, his handsome face staring up at me.   
"Are you gonna eat me out like a girl?" His eyes sparkled, breathing heavily as I pushed his thighs apart, enjoying everything I was seeing. He was such a fucking sexy bastard.   
"Yeah I am." I settled between his legs, no hands to start, just rubbing my lips over his hard wet slit, watching his eyes roll back in rapture.   
"Oh, baby!" He sighed gleefully, biting his lip and his hips starting to move impatiently.   
Fuck it.   
I semi-roughly pulled his hips up, taking one last look before leaning in again, this time my tongue took on a life of its own.  
I had a tendancy to overthink what I was doing but because he seemed to be so fucking horny and filthy and inpatient, his feminine voice filling the room with constant cries as I ate him out like a starving woman. I wanted to jack him, but I didn't want to change the circumstances which could stop him making all those sinful noises.   
I took my lips off him for a moment, looking up to see his hips in the air and his mouth wide open, almost looking at if he was struggling to breathe, his eyes rolled back in his head. He looked down when he felt the loss of contact and just batted his eyelashes at me. Fucking slut.   
I grabbed one of his hands and placed it on his dick, encouraging him to slide it up and down as I still rimmed him, loosening my hand, at least until he moaned in complaint, shaking his head and taking my hand back.   
"Everything you were doing-" he panted desperately "Fuck baby, please just keep...keep going!" He urged me and I nodded, slightly taken aback by how intense be was being. It must have felt good.  
My hand worked with his, noticing him watching the movement on his dick, slurping at his hole at an attempt to go all in and make him-  
"FUCK!" He practically screamed, his hips bucking wildly as he came all over our hands, feeling his asshole twitch wildly beneath my mouth, taking one last indulgent taste of him as I gently jacked him to finish, noticing the look on his face. It was total bliss.   
And I was so fucking horny but I almost didn't care, as I kept replaying the scene of Gerard making those soft, broken and breathy sounds, and of watching his body react.   
He held me almost impossibly close on the bed, constantly kissing me on the lips or the neck, his hand drifting over mine. I was so taken with him, and I didn't even want to try and rationalize it.   
"No girl has ever done that to me before." Gerard murmered as he looked to my face, which was resting on his chest.   
I smiled faintly, feeling smug. I enjoyed it, I just couldn't get enough of his body.   
I wanted it all and more.


End file.
